My Sweet Mistakes
by Jazminadra
Summary: Just two teenagers, messed up in their own ways, trying to live with the conditions they're given. But what if they have more in common than they thought? What happens if keeping your heart closed doesn't work anymore? AH
1. Something better indeed

**A/N: Thanks to my friend _matthias4ever_, who always reads these first and to my beta _Artemis Leaena_, who already seems pretty awesome :)**

**So here it is, finally, I hope you like it. And please leave a comment to let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: Yes, Stephenie Meyer still owns Twilight and all the characters.**

**_My Sweet Mistakes_**

_"Anyone who can touch you  
>Can hurt you or heal you.<br>Anyone who can reach you  
>Can love you or leave you"<em>

1. Something better indeed

**Edward's PoV**

It all began late one night when I heard Esme and Carlisle whispering in their bedroom.

Sometimes I eavesdropped; it was fun listening to their anxious conversation. They were always so worried about me, even though sometimes I did feel sorry for them. I felt like saying, 'come on guys, relax, I'll manage. I'm not ruined, or if I am, at least I'm doing it with style.'

But then again, maybe it began a lot earlier, when I got expelled from school. I never meant those things to happen, they just did. But anyway, apparently they thought that somewhere I had crossed the line and needed a new, fresh start.

My parents believed in talking and listening to their child but there was no discussion this time. "We're moving to Forks," Carlisle told me one afternoon just as I was going up to my room. I felt a bit hungover and shitty so I wasn't really paying attention.

"We are?" I asked raising my eyebrow.

Esme, who was watching my reaction nodded. "A new start will be good for you. Aren't you excited to live closer to your cousins?"

That was probably one of the reasons they had decided on moving to Forks. They thought Emmett and Jasper, my best friends and cousins, would be better influences for me. Emmett had always been good at manipulating grownups and Jasper got straight As in almost every subject, so Esme and Carlisle thought they were good kids. Luckily they didn't know what really happened when the three of us got together.

I shrugged. I guess I was excited. "When are we moving?" I asked, even though I already knew from the conversation I overheard the other night. Next week.

"Next week," Carlisle replied.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay?" he asked. They both glanced at each other with the look. The look that said, _He's planning something, so he's pretending he doesn't care._

The truth was that I really didn't care. What would I have against moving to Forks? Small town? Surely boring, if it wasn't for Emmett and Jasper. Rain every other day? Well, I didn't like sunshine anyway.

"Yeah! I guess I have to do some packing then," I said.

And just like that I left my old life behind. Now I found myself here, in the middle of a boring shithole town, in our big, but still quite empty, house. I had been here for like half an hour and I was already starting to think it was a bad idea.

Esme was helping me unpack in my new room upstairs, even though I told her not to bother. I guess she was feeling guilty about dragging me away from Phoenix. Esme always felt guilty when it came to me. Even though I guess I cared about her, I never told her she shouldn't feel guilty. She wasn't my real mom, but she was the closest to one I'd ever have again. But that was something I never let myself think about.

Even after the room had all my old furniture in it - my CDs organized on one wall, the guitar in the corner and my too-expensive computer on the desk - it still looked strange.

I sat on my bed wondering what the fuck I had gotten myself into, when my cell rang. It was Emmett.

"Hi, man," I answered.

"Hello, Eddie boy, how's it going? You're really here?" Emmett said, already sounding a little drunk, even though it was only three in the afternoon. Then again maybe it was just the excitement over not seeing each other for a while.

"Yeah, I'm sitting on my bed wondering how you've survived 17 years in this place," I said. Although I was already starting to cheer up at the thought of seeing my friends again.

"Great, get your ass over here and I'll show you how," Emmett said.

"Once again, Em, as much as I love you, I don't want to have sex with you," I grinned.

"Haha, very funny," he said dryly.

I laughed. "Seriously, though, what did you have in mind?"

"Party, tonight, of course," Emmett said. "Everyone's coming; naturally, they want to be first to get a look at the new kid, there's some pretty wild rumors going around already. From what I've heard, you're going to be very popular among the ladies, Eddie boy."

"Don't call me Eddie boy, it sounds idiotic and you know it," I pointed out.

He just laughed. "Seriously though, get your fat ass here. Jasper will be here soon and we need to get everything ready for tonight."

"See you in a bit," I said and hung up. I felt better already as I jogged downstairs.

"I'm going to Emmett's place, don't expect me back soon," I said to Esme and Carlisle who were unpacking in the kitchen.

"Okay," Esme smiled, seeming happy. "What are you guys going to do?"

"Emmett and Jasper are throwing me a party," I said. "It probably won't be anything big, just a few of their friends coming over."

"That's sounds nice, have fun," Carlisle smiled. Sometimes it amazed me how naïve they could be. If I was out of control in Phoenix, what made them think I'd suddenly turn into a good guy in Forks? Well, it certainly didn't bother me.

I had met Emmett and Jasper when I was eleven and we had been best friends ever since. Of course I wasn't their biological cousin; they were Esme's twin sisters' children. In my opinion, Emmett got the nicer twin as his mother – his parents were super rich and never home. Jasper's mom was another story. She was a single mom of three and sometimes Jasper had to make up crazy cover stories to get away from her. Luckily parents can really be quite blind when it comes to their kids.

The walk from our new house to Emmett's place was less than ten minutes, so I didn't bother to take my car.

Emmett's parents were just leaving when I got there. It was Friday and they were going on a weekend trip to some fancy spa or something. I exchanged a few polite words with them then shared a far more enthusiastic greeting with Emmett.

He practically jumped in my arms the moment I stepped into their house.

"Eddie boy!" he screamed as he tackled me against the wall.

"Gosh, Emmett, are you trying to choke me?" I asked, rolling my eyes and trying to keep my balance.

"Good to have you around, things were getting a little boring around here," Emmett said pulling me into the living room after we got rid of his parents. Unlike other adults, I think they had a fairly good idea what was going on with the teenagers around here, they just didn't care that much. That's why I always kind of liked Emmett's parents.

I grinned. "With me, things will never get boring," I winked at him. "Is Jasper here already?"

"Nope, the booze is, though," Emmett said, pulling an extra big bottle of Jack Daniel's out of the back of their living room cupboard

"Great," I said and my grin grew even wider. I already felt like I needed a big drink. "Who needs Jasper, anyway?"

"Are you talking about me?" Jasper asked stepping inside the living room.

I let out an excited cry and jumped up to greet Jasper.

So here we were finally, all three of us together. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all - actually it might be quite interesting.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

I had only been home for a few hours and I was already losing my mind. Things were a little difficult around here. Actually things had been rough around here for quite a while now.

My family… yeah, you need to know a few things about us to understand – and even then, you probably couldn't. No one could.

"Bella," I heard Dad yelling from downstairs. "Get down here right now."

I sighed and got off my bed, bracing myself for whatever he needed this time.

"What now?" I asked.

Dad was swaying against the kitchen table, an almost empty bottle in his hand. "Where is your mother?" he spluttered.

"She's sleeping," I said trying to remain calm and hoping he wouldn't make yet another scene - something he usually did when he was drunk – which was most of the time now.

"I need to talk to her," he said. "Right now."

"Dad, she's sleeping and maybe it would be good for you to get some sleep too," I said taking the bottle carefully out of his hand. He was too drunk to even notice or care.

"I want to talk to her right now!" He yelled, frowning at me. "Don't you tell me what to do, when you don't know shit about anything."

"Whatever," I said turning away. Obviously it was no use trying to be sensible when he was in this kind of state.

Dad grabbed my shoulder and turned me around quickly. "Don't you dare turn your back on me, you are my daughter! You would be nothing, if it wasn't for me."

"Get your hands off me," I said stepping back. I was starting to get mad. I was tired, frustrated and so sick of this. "Can't you just, for once, try to be responsible? Is it really too much ask? I'm so sick of you acting like a child, as if Mom isn't enough to deal with."

I half ran upstairs.

"Bella!" I heard Dad calling after me. I decided it was better to ignore him.

When I got back to my room, I felt like screaming and punching the walls - anything to make me feel better. But I couldn't, it might upset Mom, who was sleeping, and would hopefully stay that way. She was on anti-depressants again and getting some sleep was apparently good for her or something. At least she wasn't crying anymore, that was even more nerve-wracking.

Sometimes I felt like I was living in a fucking madhouse.

I fell onto the bed on my stomach, closed my eyes and laid still. Sometimes I hoped that if I stayed very still and quiet, I might disappear for a while.

Just when I was starting to relax, my phone rang. I picked it up from my desk, and cheered up when I saw that it was my best friend Alice. "Hi," I said sitting up on the bed.

"Hi, Bells, what're you up to tonight?" Alice asked sounding her normal, cheerful self.

"Nothing," I answered. "Staying home, I guess."

"No way," Alice announced. "It's Friday night if you haven't noticed."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah? You have something better in mind?"

"Something better indeed," Alice said sounding even more excited than usual. "Jasper and Emmett's cousin, Edward Cullen just moved here. They're throwing a welcome party for him. The whole town is going, you can't miss it!"

"Really?" I asked, mildly interested now. "What kind of a name is Edward anyway, sounds like it's from a few hundred years back. Anything interesting about this Edward?" A new student was something that happened so rarely in Forks, it deserved some attention.

"You bet," Alice almost screamed. "I heard he got expelled after beating up a teacher. A real bad ass, they say. They don't make them like that here."

I had to agree with her on that. Most of the guys in Forks were kind of boring, not that I was particularly interested in guys. I didn't have time for that kind of teenage nonsense.

"Okay" I sighed. What time should we get to Emmett's?" I asked.

"I'll pick you up after six o'clock," Alice said and I just knew she was grinning at the other end of the line. "And if you want to impress this Edward I'd suggest you wear that new black dress you got a few weeks back."

"I don't have any intensions of _impressing_ the new guy," I said.

"That's what they all say," Alice said and hung up before saying goodbye, as usual.

I made sure Mom and Dad were both calm and sleeping – Mom in her bed, Dad on the living room carpet – and got ready for the evening. I also made sure I _did not_ wear the black dress. I did wear extra tight jeans and a dark blue top that was quite revealing, though.

When Alice picked me up at a quarter after six, I was ready to leave. I left a note on the kitchen table, in case one of my parents happened to miss me while I was gone, which I doubted.

Alice wore a tight, red dress that, in my opinion, was a little too short. Her short, black hair was messy as always and her black eyeliner made her eyes look dark and mysterious.

"Ready to party?" Alice asked as I hopped into her car.

"Always am," I said. I wasn't as social as Alice but I didn't mind getting out of the house and having something else to occupy my mind. After all, there wasn't that much to do in Forks. Practically the only options were partying and, well, reading. And since I found reading boring, I stuck with the partying.

I got comfortable in the passenger seat and turned the radio up. They were playing a new song from a band I liked and I sang along as we drove through the already darkening night. I rolled down the window, even though it was September and the air was chilly. I liked the way the wind felt on my face; it made me feel alive, almost happy…

We didn't speak much on the way to Emmett's place. The thing I loved about my friendship with Alice was that we never had to speak to fill the silence. Sometimes I thought she was the only person in the world I could really be myself with.

After a while Alice pulled in to Emmett's driveway. His house was big and fancy. The McCarty were one of the oldest families in Forks – and one of the richest. There was a light on in every window and we could already hear the muffled music and laughter from outside.

Alice rang the doorbell and Jasper soon opened the door. Jasper was Alice's boyfriend. I didn't know him that well, but I thought he was nice enough. He had blue eyes, light, curly hair and a friendly nature.

"Hello, gorgeous," he said and wrapped Alice in his arm and kissed her on the mouth.

"Hi Bella," he said then, smiling at me.

"Hi Jasper," I answered, stepping inside after Alice.

We walked into Emmett's living room. There was already a good crowd, even though it was early. The music was loud and everyone was laughing and seemed to be having a good time. I left Alice and Jasper alone and found my way to the large kitchen where I poured myself a drink.

"Nice to see you here, Bella," Mike Newton said stepping in front of me.

I raised my eyebrows. "Is it?"

"It is, indeed," Mike said. "Maybe you'll save me a dance or two later."

"Maybe…" I smiled. "…or, maybe not."

Mike winked at me. "Well maybe it wasn't just a dance I was after."

I rolled my eyes. Mike Newton was probably one of the worst players in Forks, and apparently he had taken it upon himself to bother me every chance he got. He knew I would never give him what he wanted, but he still enjoyed teasing me now and then. That was fine by me. It was fun messing around with him; since that was all it would ever be. I would never want anything more from him than some innocent flirting.

"I'm quite sure it wasn't," I said biting my lip. "I'm also quite sure you're never going to get what you want."

"Keep telling yourself that, darling," Mike said.

"I will. I'll also keep telling _you_ that," I answered. "_Darling_."

Mike laughed softly. "In that case if you'll excuse me; I need to give some attention to the other ladies too."

"Feel free to do that," I grinned and watched him walk away as I sipped from my gin and tonic.

I spent the next fifteen minutes sipping my drink. It wasn't until I was on to my second drink that I started to feel relaxed. As I drank and felt the alcohol take effect I could almost understand why Dad thought that it was the easy option. It helped to dull everything. I wondered if he drank as a way of coping with Mom. My mother was a manic-depressive and had been on medication for about five years now. You might have thought the medication would have made things easier, but it didn't. So Dad started drinking more often and I wanted to get out of the house more often. I couldn't wait to graduate from high school and get the hell out of this shithole I had spent my whole damn life in.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts I noticed that Emmett's living room and kitchen were now full of people. The music was loud and someone had moved the couches against the walls, so that there was a kind of dance floor in the middle of the room which was already full.

It looked like it was going to be a good party but I hadn't seen that Edward yet.

Of course, just as I was thinking about him I saw Edward Cullen for the first time. He had just stepped into the living room and I knew it was him.

Obviously I knew everyone my age in Forks, so it wasn't that hard to pick him out. He reminded me of Jasper and Emmett, not in looks, but they all had the same self-confidence, like the three of them belonged together or something.

I took a good look at him as he made his way past the dance floor. He had kind of brownish bronze hair and green eyes. He was average height and weight and I could just make out some muscle definition through his t-shirt. I had to admit he was a good-looking guy. The way he smiled and tucked his hands deep in pockets, it made him look just a bit dangerous, kind of rebellious, I liked it.

He passed just a little too closely to Jessica Stanley and she shot him a meaningful look. For some reason it irritated me. Jessica was a slut and I usually didn't care who she slept with but being all over the new kid was just so _obvious_.

Still apart from his good looks, I wasn't really interested. I just didn't care and when the novelty had worn off, none of those girls would care either.

Yes, it was that superficial; welcome to small town life.

Edward sat on one of the couches at the back of the room looking like he owned the house. He was immediately surrounded by a few girls. He seemed to quite enjoy himself as he sat there drinking his scotch.

"That's him!" Alice said excitedly as she grabbed my hand.

"I figured that out," I said.

"Isn't he sexy," Alice sighed. "And he seems really fun too."

"You have a boyfriend, his cousin, Jasper Whitlock, remember?" I said wrapping my other hand around her.

"I can still look at other boys," Alice pointed out. "Just look at those eyes. If you have a chance take a look at his—"

"Alice!" I interrupted. "That's enough."

"Okay. Now go talk to him," Alice said pushing me lightly.

"Hahaha and make a great first impression as a cheap, desperate slut like Jessica," I laughed. "No way!"

Alice looked thoughtful. "You're probably right. So keep some distance, but remember to glance over at him once in a while, he'll get curious pretty soon."

"I don't want him to get curious," I said. "This is not some big "seducing Edward Cullen" project. It's insane; everyone seems to be obsessed with him already."

Alice glared at me with her 'I don't believe you but I don't wanna fight' look and I said nothing.

After a few hours, and quite a few drinks, I was starting to get hot and my head was spinning. Somehow Alice managed to drag me to the dance floor.

I was swaying around with my hands above my head. My hair was in my face and stuck to my lip gloss. I loved the way you could lose yourself in the music and the freedom it brought.

After a few songs, I stumbled to the kitchen and got myself a glass of water. Since I was hot after all the dancing I decided to cool down on the front porch. There were a few people smoking, so I walked away from them and sat in one of the corners. I rested my head against the wall and breathed in deeply.

The air was cool and a light breeze was blowing through my messy hair, I found it calming. I pressed the cold glass against my forehead.

"Looking for some fresh air?

I knew it was him even before he even sat beside me. Apparently, Alice was right, he did get curious.

Edward smiled a slightly drunken smile at me.

"Yes," I answered, not smiling back and not meeting his eye.

He lit a cigarette and we didn't say a word.

"You know smoking is bad for your health," I said when I couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit," Edward spluttered but he was grinning, clearly not offended.

I shrugged. "Well then, I won't give a shit when you die of lung cancer."

Edward laughed. "Outspoken, aren't we?"

I snorted and gulped from my glass.

We sat there silently and Edward tapped his feet against the wooden floor.

Finally he sighed. "So Edward, how do you like Forks? Welcome. Nice to meet you," he said sarcastically. "Thanks for asking I really like Forks, especially the friendly and talkative people here."

"Haha, very funny," I said. He was starting to irritate me already, which wasn't good. "Maybe not every girl is interested in you, even though you are the new guy."

"Aren't we grumpy?" Edward said calmly.

"Can you just stop speaking like that?" I snapped.

"Like what?" Edward asked innocently.

I glanced at him and he smiled back. For some reason his smile irritated me even more, and you didn't want to get me irritated, especially when I was drunk. I'd proven that before.

I stood up and was turning around to go inside when he said.

"Hey Bella! Save me a dance?"

I gave him the finger and marched inside. Only when I was back in the living room, did I wonder how he knew my name, since I'd never told him.

"By the way, Alice," I said when I passed her. "The new guy is an asshole."


	2. I think you shouldn't do it

**A/N: Thank you anonymous, ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN, Riddan and Melissa madden for the reviews, keep 'em coming, guys! :D**

**Here is the next chapter, enjoy!  
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2. I think you shouldn't do it

**Bella's PoV**

"Good morning, sunshine," I heard a voice somewhere above me as I opened my eyes. I groaned loudly and pulled the cover over my head. I pushed it back off, when I noticed that the cover wasn't mine and, in fact, neither was the bed I was sleeping in. I almost had a heart attack until I recognized where I was and realized I hadn't been kidnapped or lost or in some stranger's bed.

"Aunt Victoria?" I asked trying to focus my eyes in the direction from where I had heard the voice.

"Just tell me if you feel sick. I'll never forgive you if you throw up in my bed," Victoria said in her usual determined, perky voice. "And the same goes for you," she added. It was only then I realized Alice was sleeping next to me in Victoria's huge double bed.

"I'm not going to be sick," I said even though I wasn't entirely sure. "How did we end up here?" I asked, since I really had no clear memory of that part of the night.

"Well, a nice young gentleman called Jasper Whitlock drove you," Victoria said sitting on the edge of her bed. "You should thank him for the fact that you're not lying somewhere on the side of a road. You've found a really decent guy, remember to hold on to him," she pointed the last sentence to Alice who mumbled something unrecognizable and rolled over.

I sat up and stared at my Aunt Victoria. She had flaming red hair and brown eyes and she was absolutely gorgeous. If you didn't know, you would never have guessed she was my mom's sister, they were so different. Victoria was vivid and fun, and mom was just… cold and almost lifeless. Victoria was wearing a tight top that made her boobs look great (why hadn't I inherited her boobs rather than mom's?) and skinny jeans that made her look about ten years younger than she was. She didn't seem bothered to have been woken up in the middle of the night by two drunken teenagers.

"I'm really sorry, Victoria," I said rubbing my eyes.

Victoria grinned. "It's okay, it's not like this was the first time." She was right about that. Once or twice before I had ended up at her house in the middle of the night, drunk and messed up. Well, we didn't usually talk about that. "Just remember to take care of yourselves."

She looked at me for a while. I knew that look; she was sorry for me; she understood; and that whatever I did, she would forgive me. I did appreciate her for caring, but I hated to be pitied. Maybe that was the reason I never told anyone about my life. The only one who had any idea, besides Victoria, was Alice, and Alice never pitied me, she knew better.

"Okay, let's get some breakfast and painkillers. Alice looks like she'll need them when she wakes up," Victoria said and I followed her to the kitchen.

After a few painkillers and a cup of coffee I felt a bit better. When Alice finally joined us in the kitchen, looking kind of pale, I felt almost normal again…besides the beating headache. Gosh I hated hangovers.

When it was afternoon, we changed from Victoria's old pajamas to our own clothes and left. I didn't feel like going home so I went to Alice's place instead.

I was lying on her bed, eating chocolate chip cookies, when Alice brought up Edward Cullen again. By then I had already almost forgotten about him and wasn't exactly delighted to have that part of my memory back. He was the one interesting thing that might have happened here, and he turned out to be an arrogant asshole

"So why didn't you like him?" Alice asked. "He seemed perfectly nice to me."

"Well, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that he's a self-centered dick, who thinks too highly of himself."

Alice laughed. "You're overreacting, as usual. You're never going to find a guy, if your standards are too high."

"You're forgetting the fact that I don't want to find a guy," I laughed and threw a pillow at her.

I'm sure everyone thought I was weird for not being interested in dating, but how the hell would I have the time and energy for something that messy? Listening to Alice's guy problems was enough to deal with.

I stood up after a while with a heavy sigh. "I should go."

Alice glanced at me thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked.

"You could stay," she suggested.

"Thanks, but no thanks," I said. "I need to get back to home."

And I did. In fact I was always a little scared to go home after I had been gone for a while. You never knew what might have happened while you were gone. Sometimes the longer you were gone, the less you felt like you going back. I would gladly have stayed and lived with Alice forever, if it had been possible.

xxx

It was almost like a normal Monday at school. Everyone was talking about the weekend, and the schoolwork they were supposed to have done, and who had kissed who just like every Monday.

Except this Monday they were talking about the new guy too. The one who had hung out with Emmett Cullen – the coolest junior – and his quiet, but weird cousin, Jasper. The thing was, at Forks High, it wasn't that hard to establish celebrity status. Something even mildly interesting was enough to grab everyone's attention because, usually, _nothing_ happened.

I kept out of the conversations and walked to my math class with Mike Newton. I didn't actually need his company right now, but we were in the same class and sometimes there was no way of getting rid of him.

"Have you met Edward Cullen yet?" Mike asked.

"Yes," I said. _Why did everyone have to talk about him?_ "You?"

"Yeah," Mike said. "And I think everyone's overreacting. I'm sure none of the rumors are true."

"What rumors?" I asked. "Apart from the usual."

Mike looked a bit uneasy. "Well, you know, about him being expelled, and the things about his parents."

I frowned. Alice hadn't mentioned anything about his parents to me. "What about them?"

"Nothing really, just gossip about why he's adopted."

"He's adopted?" I repeated.

"You didn't know?" He asked as we arrived at the math class. "He's the adopted son of Carlisle Cullen, the new doctor, and his wife Esme."

"Well, his family is still not really any of our business," I said, already losing interest. "People around here are far too curious."

Mike agreed with me and after that we dropped the subject.

Things were going fine, or as fine as they could go, for a Monday, _not_ my favorite day of the week., At least I didn't have to take part in any conversations about that irritating Edward Cullen. That is, until the lunch break, when I got to the cafeteria, where I faced another problem.

Alice and I had been spending almost every lunch break with Emmett and Jasper since she started dating Jasper. I didn't mind, Jasper was okay, and Emmett was fun to hang around even though sometimes he was a little annoying.

But when we sat down at our table that day I found myself facing Edward Cullen and his extremely smug grin. Of course I should have known that I'd find him with Emmett and Jasper, they were cousins after all, but I just never thought about it.

"Hi," Alice greeted the guys brightly and I smiled uneasily.

Soon Alice and Jasper were absorbed in one of their private conversations that no one else really understood, while Emmett and Edward were talking about the weekend.

"So did you have fun Friday?" Edward asked fixing his eyes at me finally.

"Guess so," I answered staring right back at him.

"You always have fun at my parties, Bella," Emmett reminded me grinning. "Everyone has fun at my parties."

I turned to look at Emmett a little relieved. Edward's glance made me nervous, and I was happy to turn my eyes away. "Right," I said smiling back at Emmett, "It must be the booze."

"No, I think it's my fascinating personality," Emmett said.

"Very funny, Emmett, very funny" I said laughing anyway. "I have to go now before I'm late for biology."

"You have biology next?" Edward asked. "Great, me too. Wanna walk with me?"

"Sure," I said and stood up after Edward.

We walked to the second floor in silence.

"As friendly as ever!" Edward laughed to himself.

"You would know," I mumbled. I didn't especially like Edward and right now I wasn't in the mood to pretend, so if he wanted to walk with me he'd just have to put up with it.

Unfortunately though, he didn't look bothered. He always seemed a little amused…it was annoying. Or maybe he was just stoned, I wouldn't be surprised.

"Wanna sit with me?" Edward asked as the teacher let us in.

"Actually I can't," I said trying to sound apologetic "I sit next to Rosalie."

"Too bad," Edward shrugged, sitting at the desk behind us as I sat down next to Rosalie.

Rosalie turned to look at me, her brows up and a puzzled expression on her face. "What the fuck?" she asked quietly.

The thing is, I didn't really sit next to Rosalie, I mean I was now, but I didn't usually. We both sat alone and we didn't even really like each other. In my and Alice's opinion Rosalie was a bit of a shallow slut, and she probably thought we were weird, and maybe a bit disturbed, so mostly we just stayed out of each other's way.

Until now.

"In case you haven't noticed the new kid's kind of a self-centered jerk," I whispered back making sure Edward couldn't hear.

"I haven't actually," Rosalie whispered. "Maybe you should try being a little less judgmental."

I rolled my eyes. I was not judgmental. "Whatever." Of course Rosalie, like everyone else, was fascinated with the new guy and eager to get to know him better.

I didn't have time to argue with her any more, though, because the class started and I tried to concentrate on the teacher for once.

xxx

**Edward's PoV**

"Hi, honey, how was your first day?" Esme asked excitedly, walking towards me the moment I stepped inside the front door. "Was it nice? How were the other kids, did you make any new friends?"

"Let the poor boy breathe," Carlisle shouted from living room.

Esme laughed nervously. "Right." She really wanted me to fit in.

I took off my leather jacket before answering her question. "Yes, it was nice," I finally gave her the answer she so desperately needed. "All the kids and teachers are fine and it's fun to be at the same school with Em and Jazz."

"Really?" Esme asked walking to the kitchen in front of me.

"Yes, really," I said. I told her a bit more about my day as she hovered around fixing me something to eat even though I told her not to bother. Still, she made me eat two sandwiches before she let me go off to Emmett's place.

When I got there, I was a little surprised to find that his parents were actually home this time. I said quick hellos to them and went to Emmett's room where he was laying on his bed listening to music.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Chilling out, waiting for you," Emmett said as I sat down on the floor. "How do you like Forks so far, Eddie boy?"

I changed the shitty song that was playing to a better one before I answered. "Forks is alright, interesting I guess."

Emmett changed the song back to the shitty one and came to sit beside me on the floor.

"What's up with Alice's friend, Bella?" I asked. "She seems a bit weird. Hot but a little messed up. Even though I'm probably not one to talk.

"Maybe that's because she _is _a bit weird," Emmett laughed. "Don't get me wrong, we're friends and all, but she's just different."

"Different in what way?" I asked.

"She's just, you know..." Emmett looked a little uneasy. "She has problems with her family and there's something secretive and dark about her, I can't quite put my finger on it. She doesn't seem to care about anything."

I didn't quite understand what Emmett was saying. "Like what?"

"You know about the usual stuff, clothes, parties, guys. I mean she's good looking enough, I bet there are lots of guys out there wanting to get her, but she seems completely oblivious to it."

"Well, that doesn't seem that weird," I said, "Maybe she just has bad self-esteem or something." Even though I didn't quite believe that, to me her self-esteem seemed fine.

We sat there for a while staring at his wall.

"So you said she's not interested in any of the guys here?" I asked finally.

Emmett turned to look at me. "Oh shit, Edward," Emmett laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"I know that look," Emmett sighed.

"What look?" I asked innocently.

"You want her just because she's not interested," Emmett said. "With anyone else I would say go for it, but take my advice on this, it's not a good idea."

"Why not?" I asked. There was no point trying to deny it; Emmett wouldn't have believed me anyway. Besides I had to admit that maybe it was just a little bit true. "You think I couldn't do it?"

"I think you shouldn't do it," Emmett said, then thought for a moment. "On the other hand, it could be interesting."

"Yeah," I said.

"But no, you couldn't do it," Emmett said. "She's not interested in guys. Maybe she's a lesbian."

"Wanna make a bet?" I asked. I hadn't meant to say the words, I hadn't planned them, but somehow they just ended up coming out of my mouth.

Emmett turned to look at me slowly. "Interesting! So you think you can have Bella Swan in your bed in… let's say, four weeks?"

"Well, probably in two but whatever you want," I grinned, excited that finally something fun was happening. Emmett and I loved a good bet. "So what do you say – fifty bucks?"

"Hundred," Emmett said.

"Come on, Em, I'm not as rich as you are," I pointed out.

"You think you can't do it?"

I sighed; Emmett always had a way of provoking me. But then again, that's what I liked about him. "Hundred bucks it is."

xxx

**Bella's PoV **

After school I went to _my place_. It was my favorite place in the world. Besides me, Alice and Jasper were probably the only ones who knew about it. It was an abandoned house in the middle of the forest, not that far away from my home. I found it when I was eleven. Things were a bit rough then, it was when dad started drinking and when mom… well, yeah.

Anyway, back then I spent as much time away from the house as possible. When Alice was busy I just roamed around in the forest and that was when I found the house. It looked like it had been abandoned for a long time. It was quite small, only two rooms, and inside there was a table, a few chairs, and a couch that had definitely seen better days.

Since then I always came here when I needed peace and a quiet place to think, or when I just couldn't be at home. I often wondered who had lived here and why the house had been abandoned and forgotten. But now I thought of it as my place.

And right now I very much needed some time on my own. It was only Monday but I desperately wanted the weekend back already. It wasn't like school was my favorite place, but with Edward there today it had been pretty much shit. I knew just his type, the guy who always got everything he wanted.

I was annoyed that every one of my friends seemed to love him and now we were supposed to be friends or something.

And to be honest, I really wasn't good with people I didn't like.

I don't know how long I sat there on the floor, my back against the cool, wooden wall, but finally I decided I had to go. I had to make sure that mom and dad were fine and, as much as I hated it, I had tons of homework to do. I stood up, picked up my bag and left.

I was listening to my iPod, singing along to one of my favorite songs and clearly not aware of my surroundings, since I only noticed I had company when Edward started to speak. "Well, I didn't expect to see you here. Missed me that much?"

"What are you talking about?" I said sharply, taking the headphones out of my ears.

"Nothing, I was just wondering if you're stalking me since I keep seeing you," Edward grinned, clearly amused by my grumpiness. It was _so_ annoying when you tried to piss someone off and they were just amused.

"Stop being a jerk, before I start to think that _you_ are stalking me," I warned him.

Edward didn't say anything to that and we walked for a while. I started to feel kind of uneasy, until he spoke again. "So where have you been?"

"Nowhere."

"Where are you going then?"

"Nowhere."

"Are you always this mysterious or are you just playing hard to get?" Edward asked.

"I'm not," I said.

"Mysterious or playing hard to get?"

"So Edward," I changed the subject. "Why did you move to Forks?"

He laughed a little mischievously. It was the kind of laugh I would have adored if he had been a nice person.

"Haven't you heard the gossip?" he asked.

"Maybe I'm not stupid enough to believe every bit of gossip I hear," I said. And then I just couldn't resist so I had to ask: "Is it true? Did you get expelled?"

"You never know," he smiled.

I sighed. Apparently it was impossible to have a normal conversation with him. So why bother? "And who's playing hard to get now?" I muttered to myself.

There was another thing that was bothering me, and even though I hated it, I was a quite curious. "Are you really adopted?"

As soon as I asked I regretted saying it out loud. He had a weird, dark expression on his face; it kind of scared me, even though he didn't seem angry about my question, maybe just a little taken aback.

"Yes," he said finally.

"Okay," I said. Even though I couldn't help wondering what happened to his parents, I had the feeling that was a subject he wouldn't talk about.

We walked in silence until we came to the crossing, where we went in different directions. By then he was back to his normal, arrogant self.

"So I'll see you at school then," he said.

"Guess so," I muttered.

"Looking forward to it."

He grinned his 'you know you love me' smile and turned around, leaving me alone and a little confused.

I tried to shake him out of my head as I stepped inside our house. "Mom? Dad?" I called as I went to my room.

I found mom sleeping in their bedroom. "Where's Dad?" I asked.

"I don't know," she sighed and turned her back to me making sure I knew that she didn't want to be bothered.

"Have you eaten anything today?" I asked.

"No."

"Okay," I said.

Back in my room I called Alice and she answered after two rings.

"Hi Bella," she asked. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes," I laughed. "Can't I just call you?"

"You can but you almost never do," Alice pointed out. That was true I had to admit, but only because usually Alice called me first.

"So what have you been up to this afternoon?" Alice asked.

"I was in the forest for a while," I said. "How about you? Oh wait, I don't even need to ask. Having hot, wild sex with Jasper the whole afternoon?"

Alice laughed. "You should really be more respectful about our sex life. I prefer the term 'making love'."

"Gosh, Alice, can we just please not go there now," I said quickly.

"Whatever, you started it," she said and I knew she was shrugging at the other end of the phone.

"Then what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, actually," I started. "Why didn't you ever mention that Edward was adopted?"

"What? Edward Cullen?" Alice sounded a little confused. "I didn't know he was adopted."

I sat at the edge of my bed frowning. "Jasper didn't mention that?"

"No, why do you think he's adopted?"

I was quiet for a while. "Because he told me."

"What the hell, Bella?" Alice asked. "When have you seen him?"

I explained that Mike had mentioned it at school today and then told her how I'd run into Edward this afternoon and asked about it.

"That's weird," Alice said quietly. "Why didn't Jasper tell me anything about it?"

"Don't ask me," I said. It sounded weird to me too.

"What do you think happened to his parents then? Maybe I should ask Jasper."

I remembered the dark look in his face again. "I don't know, maybe you shouldn't."

"Why?"

"Well, it's his own business," I said. "Besides, I bet it's not that interesting anyway."

"Right," Alice said even though I knew she didn't believe me. "So anyway, are you coming to Emmett's tomorrow?"

"What's on?"

"Well, the guys are having their usual poker night thingy and I will probably be bored to death if you don't come," Alice said. "Please?"

I really didn't understand the Forks guys. They all seemed to love games and it seemed like the more money and booze involved, the better.

"I'll have to think about it," I said.

"Please, Bella, you know I need you," Alice begged.

"Maybe," I said. "But like you said, it's going to be quite boring."

"Yeah, but Jasper never wins if I'm not with him," Alice said.

I rolled my eyes. "Right, you independent, 21st century woman."

At times it was almost scary how Jasper and Alice seemed to need each other. But then again sometimes it felt like neither of them knew what they were doing. Sometimes I found myself questioning whether they had fallen in love too quickly. I wasn't really being cynical, and I would never say it to Alice, but I wondered whether it would last.

_Love;_ anyway sometimes it seemed so useless. Why bother with all of that when you didn't have any guarantee it would last?


	3. You're a terrible liar, Ms Swan

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews Riddan, ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN and matthias4ever, glad to hear someone likes this! :)**

3. You're a terrible liar, Ms. Swan

**Bella's PoV**

I went to Aunt Victoria's place Tuesday after school. I didn't feel like going home. She always welcomed me when I came so it was an easy decision to drive to the outskirts of Forks where she lived.

I hadn't really known her until I was about ten years old, when she moved to live closer to us, and since then she had been a big part of my life. Victoria was mom's little sister and, I didn't know why, but they didn't have a good relationship. Actually, they barely had a relationship at all and when Victoria first moved here, mom didn't want me to have anything to do with her; I guess she thought Victoria was a bad influence or something. That might have been true, since Victoria had been quite a rebel in her wild teenage years, but now she had a decent job and a boyfriend, so it was safe to say she had grown up. I sometimes joked to her, that I never wanted to be that boring.

Victoria made coffee and we talked about my school and her work a little, just regular stuff. She tried to make me do some homework saying that I needed to study more and I told her I didn't like studying. Sometimes I had the feeling that she was trying to take on the mother role, since my mom wasn't really good at it.

"So have you met this new kid yet?" she asked eventually.

"What?" I asked puzzled. "How do you know about that?"

"Well who doesn't?"

Sometimes she still surprised me with her teenage-like remarks. I raised my eyebrows at her and made her laugh.

"Well, I dropped by the hospital today and I saw the new doctor, Carlisle Cullen. He's Dr Cullen's son, Edward, isn't he?"

"Yes," I said staring at my coffee. "That's him. So his dad is a doctor?"

"Yeah, and a really good one from what I've heard," Victoria said. "I can't imagine why they moved here in the first place."

I tried to look disinterested. Well I wasn't interested, at least not too much. "Well, there've been rumors."

"Aren't there always?" Victoria smiled.

"Guess so," I answered and we dropped the subject.

We talked for a while longer until I realized I really had to go if I was going to make it to the guys' stupid poker night thingy.

I met Alice in our driveway after seven and we continued to Emmett's place. Alice was chattering away as always and my answers were mostly mono-syllabic.

"What's wrong with you?" Alice asked finally turning to look at me. "It can't be that boring, and if it is, we can always sneak out."

I shook my head. "I'm not worried about that, I can always take one boring social event."

"Then what is it?" Alice asked frowning.

Alice always sensed even my littlest shifts in mood, sometimes it felt like we had some weird connection. The kind of thing you can only have with your closest friends. Then again, I usually didn't have to sense her mood shifts, because she was sure to let the whole world know.

"It's fine, I'm just a little tired," I said, and mostly it was true. I didn't really feel like going to the party but I guess it was better than staying at home.

Alice didn't say anything to that. I wasn't sure if she believed me, but she knew I'd tell her if I had anything I wanted to talk about.

Emmett's place was already full of people. Loud music, chatter and laughter made it feel kind of homey. Emmett's house seemed to always be full of people.

We bumped into Rosalie as we made our way to the living room. "Hi Rosalie," I said smiling warily, I kind of felt like being nice to her since the biology incident.

She and Alice gave me weird looks, we didn't usually speak to each other and we usually hung out in different groups, so ignoring one another was easy.

"Hi," she answered.

"What was that all about?" Alice asked as soon as Rosalie was gone.

"Nothing, I just felt like being nice to her, since she's my biology partner and everything," I said.

"Okay," Alice said rolling her eyes, like she did when I did something she thought was stupid and I thought was perfectly rational.

Once we made it to the living room I sat on one of the couches watching a game. They were playing poker or something like that, it looked difficult, kind of cool and so serious it made me want to laugh.

Alice sat beside me after giving Jasper a kiss that completely distracted him from the game.

"I don't think that's helping him that much."

Alice smacked me on the shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

After a while I started to feel more comfortable, chattering with Alice and relaxing a little.

When the game was over – from what I saw it looked like Emmett won – Alice went to talk with Jasper and after a while I saw Edward walking over to me.

He was holding a glass of something that looked like scotch and seemed smug over his second place.

"So what do you think?" Edward asked sitting next to me.

"Nice, but maybe not quite my game," I said.

"I hope you're still talking about poker and not me," Edward asked with a little crooked grin. Why did he always have to be so suggestive? I was starting to believe he was incapable of normal, non-sexual conversation.

"You never know," I said dryly.

"Do you want me to teach you?" he asked.

I couldn't help chuckling at that. "I really do hope _you're_ still talking about poker."

Edward drank from his glass and didn't say anything.

I sighed. "Well, whatever, I think I'm going to stick with watching."

"Whatever you like," he said and managed to sound surprisingly decent.

I didn't have the chance to reply to that because I was cut off by Jessica Stanley, who was wearing far too short a skirt and already looking a little tipsy.

"Hi Eddie, you were so great in that game thingy," Jessica giggled and sat next to Edward, so close that they were almost touching. She skillfully ignored me, like she hadn't just walked in the middle of our conversation. "I bet you're great at lots of other things too."

I wanted to make a face, but managed to keep my expression neutral. I felt almost embarrassed for her, I mean, honestly, could she be any more obvious? Jessica Stanley was really something else. Sometimes I almost felt sorry for her because she didn't even realize her obvious sluttiness, but I couldn't really pity someone so mean and bitchy.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," Edward laughed softly and didn't seem uncomfortable. I bet he liked the attention.

"I knew it," Jessica purred. "Maybe you'll show me some of your other skills too, then."

"You never know," Edward said to her but for some reason he was looking at me and I made sure he could see from my expression what I thought of Jessica.

At that point I excused myself and left the two of them cuddling on the couch.

In the kitchen I met Rosalie who pulled me next to the kitchen sink, away from the others.

"So what's going on with you and Edward?"

"What do you mean?" I laughed. "Nothing's going on!"

Rosalie crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know, it's weird, you act as though you don't like him but you don't seem to mind being around him. It's like you're playing 'cat and mouse' or something."

I raised my other eyebrow. "And which one of us is the mouse?"

"I haven't figured that out yet," Rosalie said.

"What does it matter to you?" I said, as friendly as I could. "Just because we're lab partners now, doesn't mean we're suddenly best friends."

"Thank God, no," Rosalie said and I agreed with her on that. "But don't forget that I never asked to be your partner. Oh wait, you didn't exactly ask either."

"Haha, very funny. Besides, there's really nothing going on between us, if you want him, you can have him," I said and walked away before she had time to answer.

"That's not why I asked," she yelled out after me.

Escaping from the kitchen, I had no choice but to head back to the living room, where Edward and Jessica were still on the couch, laughing.

Fuck it, I thought, walking over to the bar and pouring myself a scotch too. I didn't care that it was only Tuesday; I could really use a drink.

Alice returned, probably from a make-out session with Jasper, just before the guys started another game so I sat with Alice again.

It was well after midnight when we finally left Emmett's, much later than I had planned.

"It was kind of fun, don't you think?" Alice asked cheerfully as we walked out the front door.

"I guess so," I said. It hadn't been as boring as I thought. Maybe I should try to be more sociable like Alice was always telling me.

"Oh shit," she yelped when we were half way to her car. "I left my phone in the kitchen, can you wait just a sec." She ran back inside faster than I could answer. This was nothing new, since Alice was almost always losing her things.

I walked over to her car and leaned against the side of it, filling my lungs full of the night air. There was just something so calm about the night, even when I'd been a small kid I was almost never scared of the dark. There was something so comforting about it; it was so easy to hide.

Well, it certainly didn't work this time, I thought, as I saw Edward walking towards me. "Seriously, _are_ you stalking me?" I asked as he stopped.

"I don't think so," he said.

"Okay," I muttered skeptically. "You don't think so."

"You're just fun to hang around." His voice was mocking, like he was laughing at some joke I didn't get.

"I find that kind of hard to believe," I said. I hadn't exactly made an effort to be nice to him.

Edward chuckled. "I know you're trying hard not to be."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

He didn't say anything. Why did he always have to be so mysterious? It was getting on my freaking nerves.

"What do you think it means?" Edward said stepping a little closer to me. Suddenly something really weird happened. I raised my eyes to look at him, I certainly hadn't meant to look him in the eye, but we were staring into each other's eyes. He was _so_ close to me, so close that I could smell him, he smelled intoxicating. . Even though we weren't touching he was too close to me, closer than I felt comfortable with.

And then the moment was over, almost like it never happened. I moved away from him a little and concentrated on not looking at him. I could feel myself blushing, I hated it; how it was sometimes so easy for others to read my emotions. I hadn't realized I had drunk so much, but I must have, otherwise why would I be acting so weirdly.

"What's going on here?" Alice asked narrowing her eyes as she walked towards us. That sobered me up completely. What the hell had I been thinking, staring at him like that?

"Nothing," Edward and I said at the same time.

Edward laughed a little. "I was just chatting with Bella here, but I'm going now. Drive safe." He gave us a little smile and a nod and was gone.

Alice turned to look at me. "What were you talking about?"

"Nothing special," I laughed hopping into the passenger seat. "Did you find your cell?"

"Yeah," Alice said as she pulled out of the driveway.

On the way back home Alice chatted about Jasper and something cute he had said or done. I was trying to keep my eyes open, suddenly feeling exhausted. Alice dropped me by my house and I stumbled to the door, trying to find my keys in the dark.

As soon as I opened the door I sensed that something wasn't right. All the lights were on and the place looked even messier than before.

"Mom? Dad?" I called, and stepped inside the living room.

Mom was on the couch, curled up in the corner, at least three blankets around her.

"What's wrong?" I asked stepping closer.

"Your Dad, that's what's wrong," Mom said in an angry tone, which was surprising considering she looked like she could hardly keep her eyes open. Looking closer, her eyes were all red and puffy from crying and she looked pale and tired.

"Have you two been fighting again?" I asked sitting on the one of the other armchairs.

"I don't know why he has to be so mean sometimes," Mom said in a small voice and started to cry again.

"Probably because he's drunk" I said picking up a few bottles and an empty bag of chips from the floor. Looking around I realized our place really was quite a mess. There were dirty dishes on the table, clothes thrown over the armchairs, and I didn't even remember the last time someone had vacuumed here. Well, I guess we all had had other things to worry about.

My words made Mom cry even harder and I handed her a tissue, regretting I had said anything about it.

Only then I realized what she was squeezing in her other hand and it made my blood run cold.

"Don't tell me –" I breathed in sharply, pulling the small bottle of pills out of her hand. "Don't tell me you even thought about that."

Of course that made her even more upset but I didn't care anymore, I was upset too.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she whispered. "He can say such horrible things when he's mad, I just felt so bad…I didn't – I wouldn't have…"

I shook my head in disbelief. "It's enough that you even thought about it."

I was so mad at her; it was making me say mean things. I was tired and angry and suddenly this was all too much for me to handle. I was trying to be responsible and an adult, but I just didn't know how. I didn't know how to handle these situations, and yeah, maybe that wasn't the way you were supposed to talk to someone with mental health issues but I didn't really care right now.

"I just don't know what to do anymore! It's like I can't even leave you alone for the damn day without being scared that you'll jump off a cliff or something. I'm not your fucking babysitter," I cried out. "Is it really so hard to take some responsibility? What am I supposed to do? Lock up all the medication and knives and stuff? Sometimes it's like I'm living with two children."

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"Well, sorry just isn't quite enough," I shouted. I hadn't even noticed that I had stood up, still holding the pills in my hand, like I didn't know what to do with them.

"I wouldn't have done anything," Mom shook her head and looked a little like a small girl. It disgusted me; I didn't want her to be so weak. "I didn't take them."

"Well it wouldn't have been the first fucking time!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

She froze on the spot, staring at me, so shocked that she stopped crying. I couldn't look at her. There were the things we _did not talk about_.

"That's unfair," she said quietly. "It was a long time ago, everything's changed."

"Has it really?" I said throwing the bottle on the couch accusingly.

She didn't say anything.

"Where's Dad?" I asked finally, trying to calm myself.

"Out," Mom said in a flat voice.

"Drunk and alone?" I asked. The words came out far more judgmental than I meant them to. "Well, that's just great."

"I'm sorry," Mom whispered and I could see that she was on the verge of crying again.

I sighed. "Let's get you to bed."

I helped her up, picked up her blankets and brought them upstairs to my parents' bedroom. I tucked her in and turned off the lights.

"Good night, Mom," I whispered and closed the door behind me.

I went back to the empty living room and checked the time. One forty. Dad still wasn't back. It would be his own fault entirely if he was passed out on the side of some back road. God only knows where. Anyway, there wasn't anything I . It wasn't like I could go out and find him.

I probably should have just gone to bed. He would have been back in the morning like always. But still, one forty was kind of late. What if something really was wrong this time? What if it was all my fault? What if something had happened and I hadn't helped him?

I couldn't do anything other than wait. I sat on the living room couch and closed my eyes. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand.

I tried to even out my breathing, not feeling like sleeping anymore, just exhausted.

Mom had really scared me for a moment there. Seeing those pills in her hand; it just reminded me of… things.

I was eleven, when mom tried to kill herself. I was the one who found her and, I'm sure as long as I lived, I would never forget those images. But it was before she went on the medication, back when we all thought things would be better again. That she'd just take her pills and it would be all right. Even though I wanted to believe her when she said everything was different now, I didn't know if it was true. I just didn't know.

I startled awake when the door slammed. I looked around for a while; apparently I had fallen asleep. I looked at the clock, it was almost two thirty.

"Dad?" I asked.

"What?" He growled stepping inside the living room.

"Nothing. Where have you been?"

"That is none of your business," Dad said.

"Really?" I said standing up. I knew it probably wasn't wise to irritate him right now but I couldn't help it. "Did you know Mom almost killed herself because of you? That kind of makes it my business."

"Shut up, you stupid girl," Dad spluttered, clearly still drunk. "Don't talk when you know shit about it. By the way, she didn't try to kill herself because of me back then."

"What are you talking about?"

"She did it because of you," Dad said seeming pleased with himself for saying it out loud.

"That's so unfair, Dad," I said. I knew he wouldn't have said it if he was sober, but it still made me angry. "I was eleven then, I was a child. Don't try to blame it on me. It was you two who ruined everything."

He walked closer to me, looking so enraged, that it scared me a little. I instinctively took a step back, then suddenly he burst into laughter.

"_We _ruined everything? You think we ruined everything?" he said clearly amused. "Actually, it was you who ruined everything. We never wanted you, neither of us did. We'd be perfectly happy without you, what've you ever done for us?"

"You'd probably be perfectly dead without me," I muttered to myself.

"What did you say?" Dad asked again, his voice all serious and dangerous again.

"Nothing. I'm going to bed now," I said. Now that I'd made sure Dad was safe, I wanted nothing more than to get away from him.

I turned around and was already at the stairs when he called me. "Bella! Don't walk away when I'm talking to you."

"Maybe you should go to sleep too, don't you think," I said, not even turning around. Even if he was really angry with me, he probably couldn't have managed to climb the stairs, so I was safe.

I hesitated for a while, then went to put the pills on Mom's bedside table and went to my room; after all I didn't really have a choice, she needed her medication.

xxx

**Edward's PoV**

This was not going to be my day. I knew it from the moment I woke up with an excruciating headache and the feeling that I was terribly late for school. Oh well. I opened my eyes and looked around the mess that was my new room. Even I was surprised how messy I had managed to get it in the short period of time I had lived in it. I should clean up soon. Maybe I could get Emmett to help me by offering to do his chemistry essay and then getting Jasper to do it.

When I finally got myself out of bed and checked the time, I realized there was no way I was going to make it to first period. Maybe I would make it to biology and at least get a chance to see Bella.

Where did that thought come from? There was no special reason why I would want to see Bella. I mean she was fun to hang around, being all stubborn and grumpy, and of course there was the bet, although it didn't seem to offer me that much of a challenge. Even though she might not realize it, she was hooked on me already, and soon enough she just wouldn't be able to resist me.

But apart from that, I wasn't interested in her in any way. She was just a girl, just as boring as anyone really. Well okay, maybe she wasn't just like anyone else, but in the end, yeah, she was still just a girl.

I thought about something else as I brushed my teeth and put on some clothes. Jessica Stanley, for example. She was okay, but a little annoying the way she was all over me. But, maybe, if I ever needed a distraction…

"Edward?" Esme looked disapproving when I finally went to the kitchen. "You're still here; I thought you left for school already."

"School's starting late today," I lied.

"Don't lie to me," Esme said frowning at me. "I've got your timetable."

"What?" I asked surprised. I hadn't given it to her.

"I got it from the school," she said. I suppose I could kind of understand it. Maybe she didn't want me to get in trouble because of ditching right away.

"Just make sure it doesn't happen again," Esme said putting a plate of toast in front of me.

"I will," I said. As if.

I grabbed some toast and was on my way to school. I just made it for the beginning of biology.

Bella was leaning on the wall beside the door, waiting among the other students, to be let inside the classroom. I was walking towards her when I noticed she didn't look quite right. Actually, she looked kind of weary and stressed out. Her hair was messy – even though I wasn't complaining, it did look kind of sexy – and she had dark circles under her eyes.

"Hi," I said, walking over to her.

She gave me a small smile and a nod and then concentrated on keeping her eyes open.

"Had a little too much to drink last night?" I asked grinning, but still in a perfectly polite tone. Or at least I thought it was polite, she didn't seem to think so, from the expression she gave me.

"No," she said.

I arched an eyebrow.

"I just didn't sleep well," she said.

"I know, I know, none of my business," I interrupted her before she had a chance to end the sentence.

Bella sighed. "It's not that …" for a second she looked like she was about to say something more, but then she couldn't seem to find the right words and gave up.

"Am I wrong or were you just actually about to be nice to me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said looking relieved that I had turned it into a joke. "But then I decided I couldn't."

"Well, it's quite understandable, me being the kind of arrogant asshole I am," I said.

I could see that she was trying very hard to hide a hint of a smile, but then the teacher arrived.

When I sat on my chair at the back of the class, a weird thought occurred to me. Bella had apparently been feeling quite bad for some reason but still I'd made her smile.

Strange.

In front of me, Rosalie said something to Bella in an annoyed tone and Bella seemed to answer in a just as equally irritated voice. It didn't make sense how the two of them had ended up being partners when they obviously didn't like each other. Well, the world was full of mysteries. And the current one was how I was going to explain to Mr. Banner why I hadn't done my homework.

I survived the biology class, but after that I was ready to go back home. School really did suck and I still felt a little hungover. But it seemed like I would just have to cope, since there was no way I was going to be able to explain to Esme why I had come home early. Anyway, I was still relieved when Mr. Banner finally released us.

Bella packed her things quickly and was up and out of the class so fast I barely had time to react.

"Hey, Bella," I said rushing after her. "Not so fast."

She slowed down for me but I could see she wasn't too happy about it.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Out," she simply said.

"Great," I said. I could use some fresh air too.

We stepped outside the school building and I followed her as she rounded the school building to the back yard.

She leaned against the stone wall and closed her eyes for a while. I sat on the wooden bench beside her.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I said finally. I don't know what made me ask, I didn't know her, but I could tell she wasn't the kind of girl who liked to be fussed over. And I wasn't the kind of guy who would fuss over any girl.

"Yeah, just tired," she said opening her eyes finally. "This is a good place to go if you need some peace."

There was a strange feeling between us, a little bit awkward, kind of reserved. Almost like, now that she couldn't be bothered to be irritated with me all the time, she didn't know how to react to me.

"Cool," I said. I got a pack of cigarettes out of my jacket pocket. I barely smoked anymore, only when I was stressed, but I thought this morning was enough to deal with. I deserved a smoke.

She turned to look at me sharply as I lit a cigarette.

"What do you think you're doing? You can't smoke here," she snapped.

I grinned at her blowing the smoke out of my mouth. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuck."

"Well, quite frankly, I do," she said trying to take the cigarette out of my hand but I held it out of her reach. "I don't want us to get in trouble."

"I'm moved at your concern, but it's not healthy to worry so much all the time," I said.

"Someone has to," she mumbled sitting next to me, her arms crossed across her chest. "And besides I don't."

"Convincing," I said. "Do you want?" I held the cigarette out for her.

She hesitated just for a while. "No! Of course not."

I laughed softly. She was kind of cute, trying to be all good and decent. She wasn't fooling me though.

"You want to," I said victoriously. "You know you do."

"That's stupid, I don't," she said shaking her head.

"You're a terrible liar, Ms. Swan," I said holding out the cigarette again.

She sighed and finally took it. "I only smoke when I'm really stressed," she said, sitting on the bench beside me, obviously feeling like she needed to explain.

"Yeah, I kind of figured," I laughed. This was actually kind of fun.

We sat like that for a moment. Bella threw her legs over the arm of the bench and after a while she seemed to relax a bit.

"Ms Swan! Mr. Cullen! What do you think you're doing?" Both of us jumped when we heard the voice and Bella quickly sat up straight.

We both froze as we saw the headmistress walking our way. She did not look happy. "Don't even try to pretend you don't know smoking on school grounds is forbidden."

"We weren't smoking," Bella said quickly. I almost laughed out loud. That must have been the worst excuse ever, but when I saw the headmistress' face I quickly fixed a serious, regretful expression on mine.

The headmistress gave a nod towards the cigarette Bella was still holding.

I didn't have time to defend myself before the headmistress opened her mouth. "I don't care whose it is, you both knew what you were doing. Mr. Cullen, I wouldn't have thought you would get yourself into trouble so soon, this is not a good start to your studies here. As for you, Ms. Swan, I thought you were smarter than this. Detention, for both of you, and don't let me see you smoking ever again. Now get to your classes, immediately."

Then she turned her back on us and was gone before either of us could react.

"Oh, we won't let you see," I laughed standing up. "Come on, we have to hurry if we want to get to class" I said to Bella, who was still sitting. I glanced at her face. Well, now she did look pissed.

"Now look what you've done," she snapped at me. "Got us detention. Great Edward, just great!"

"Come on, Bella, relax, it's just a detention," I said.

"It's not _just_ a detention," she almost screamed at me as she got up. "I don't have time for this, and I don't want to get in trouble because of anyone else, you idiot. Would you for once try to think about someone other than yourself, or is that too difficult to do?"

"Hey, that's not fair! Besides, no one asked you to take the damn cigarette," I said.

"Oh really?" she asked her voice so full of sarcasm it almost scared me.

"Well, fine, maybe I did, but still, you can't blame me – "

"You're unbelievable!" she cried out and marched towards the front doors.

Apparently she could.

"Look, I'm sorry," I sighed going after her. She didn't turn around. "Well, sometimes, you're fucking impossible too," I pointed out as I walked past her.

**What do you think about this one? Exited to see what happens in the detention? :D**


	4. It's just a detention

**A/N: thank you Riddan and ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN for reviewing! Hope you like this chapter!**

4. It's just a detention

**Bella's PoV**

It wasn't even lunch break yet and the day was getting worse by the minute. If it kept going like this I seriously doubted I would make it till the end of the school day. I couldn't believe that Edward was such a jackass. I mean, I did not like him, I did not ask him to follow me, and I certainly did not ask him to smoke that damn cigarette. And still somehow, _I_ had ended up in detention…because of _him_.

I had almost been on the verge of changing my opinion about him, and just when I thought maybe he wasn't so impossible after all, he did something like this. Well, now I was pissed.

I was lucky Alice and I had a short day today, since I didn't want to spend any more time at school than was absolutely necessary. I hadn't slept at all last night, and I was so pissed about the stupid detention, I might have started to cry if I had been the crying type.

"Now would you mind telling me what the fuck is wrong with you?" Alice finally asked. We were in her living room watching some silly reality TV show with a large bowl of our favorite ice cream.

"Edward Cullen," I said, happy that I finally had the chance to tell someone about the great injustice I had suffered today. We had both been so busy the whole school day that we hadn't really had time to talk.

Alice laughed. "So, what has he done now? You just don't seem to give the poor guy a break."

"If only it were like that. It's more like he can't seem to give me a break. You might change your opinion after you hear that he actually got me into detention today."

"What?" Alice dragged her eyes away from the TV and gave me a curious look.

I gave her a brief explanation about what had happened earlier today. "I mean who the hell is stupid enough to smoke in the school area _and_ get caught?"

Alice rolled her eyes, obviously not taking this half as seriously as she should have. "You are, apparently."

"Oh come on, you know what I mean!"

Alice sighed and put an arm around me, stuffing some ice cream in my mouth so that I couldn't speak. "Honey, I know it sucks, but get over it, he didn't mean to get you into trouble. Sometimes, the way he looks at you, I could almost imagine he likes you."

I yelped so that the ice cream almost burst out of my mouth. "Alice, that's ridiculous. It's more like he would like to get in my pants and from what I've heard, that's something he wants from about half of the Forks High girls, _including_ Jessica Stanley."

"You're exaggerating and you know it. I know you're pissed about the detention but try not to blame him too much, he's Jasper's cousin after all."

"That's not a reason to like him, though," I pointed out.

Alice shrugged. "Maybe not, but try."

I sighed. "I'll think about it, after he apologizes about the detention." Actually, now that I thought about it, he might've actually apologized and I had just been ignoring it. "And means it," I added.

Alice snorted and pushed me lightly on the shoulder. She hesitated. "That's not the only thing bothering you, though, is it?"

I shrugged uneasily.

"Is it your parents?" Alice asked immediately.

"How did you guess?" I asked.

"What have they done now?" Alice asked; well I guess she just knew me that well.

"The usual; drinking, fighting, trying to kill themselves," I said only a little sarcastically.

Alice was quiet for a moment. It seemed like this was one of the few situations where she didn't quite know what to say. "Have you thought about… maybe like, getting some help for them, or something?"

I turned to look at her frowning. "What do you mean? My mom's already on medication, what more is there to do?"

"Well, you know, there's all kind of things, therapy and stuff. You shouldn't have to deal with all that by yourself. They're always giving you a hard time, even when they're on their best behavior."

I always felt kind of uncomfortable talking about it. "I don't think there's anything more anyone can do right now. It's just the way it is."

"You know I wish I could help you but I don't know – "

"It's fine, Alice. Of course it's hard sometimes, but don't try to tell me everyone doesn't have hard times with their families at some point."

"Yeah, but not in quite that way – "

"I said it's fine," I interrupted her again.

"Okay," Alice looked miserable. "Just tell me if you need anything."

"Of course, I always do."

We didn't say anything after that and just concentrated on the stupid TV show where people were fighting over nothing.

"You know, if those people had some real problems they wouldn't always be whining so much," Alice pointed out.

"I know, so irritating," I agreed.

"Yeah, I don't know who watches these shows anyway," Alice nodded seriously.

We both turned to look at each other and burst into laughter at the same time. And once we started it was hard to quit. I was so tired and stressed and still kind of mad, that there were only three options, crying, screaming or laughing and the latter seemed to be the best right now.

Alice changed the channel and I leaned on her shoulder. Even when everything was wrong, I still loved these afternoons with my best friend, when we had nothing to do and didn't even want to do anything. Just being together was enough.

We continued slouching and doing nothing for the rest of the afternoon until Alice finally sighed and got up from the couch.

"I'm meeting Jasper in about thirty minutes so I better get going," she said not seeming all that enthusiastic about it.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything's fine, it's just…" Alice sighed. "I don't know."

"Are you guys alright?" I asked starting to really worry about the look on her face.

"Yeah, we're fine I guess. It's just sometimes Jasper kind of… shuts me out, we're not the way we used to be, you remember? When he couldn't keep his hands off of me," Alice said smiling a little.

"Oh yeah, I do remember." At least I wasn't sad that that specific phase was over. "But honestly, I think it's nothing. That happens when relationships get steadier."

"I know, but still, it's like he doesn't have as much time for me anymore. Sometimes it's almost like he's pushing me away," Alice said looking kind of miserable and worried.

I was certain that it was nothing, but it was really bothering her. It was almost like she was too dependent on Jasper. I sometimes joked that she loved him too much, but really, I thought it was true. You can't love anyone that intensely without getting burned.

"You just need to give him some space; you do want him to have his own life, don't you? He'll come around, remember that he loves you just as much."

"Guess so," Alice said. "I can't believe you are the one actually giving me healthy and mature relationship advice."

I shook my head laughing. "Yeah, me neither."

xxx

Thursday was detention day. It meant that today after school I and four other students were to be punished for our crimes.

I was leaning against the wall, seemingly calm, even though I was still pissed about being here without any real reason. I had only been in detention a few times before. Even when I was rebel enough to do something forbidden, I wasn't stupid enough to get caught.

Edward finally walked towards me like he didn't have a care in the world. I glanced over at him with an unfriendly look and he answered with a smug grin.

"Why so serious, Ms. Swan?" Edward asked.

"Don't call me that," I answered immediately. "You know my name is Bella. And besides, I have reason enough to be serious, if you haven't noticed."

"Relax, Bella, it's just a detention," Edward said and surprisingly sounded almost like he wanted to make me feel better. Maybe he did feel a bit guilty after all.

"Maybe you don't have anything better to do, but some of our lives aren't that boring," I said.

"Oh, I do have better things to do, but now that I'm here, there's no point whining about it."

"Whatever," I said. I was still annoyed about the whole thing but I was starting to believe that he hadn't meant anything by it. Besides, if I was going to have to deal with him from now on, I'd get tired of being mad pretty soon.

After waiting a little longer, the supervisor, our Spanish teacher, Ms. Adams, let us into the classroom. After she had checked that we were all there and given us the work we were supposed to do, she seemed to lose interest in us and concentrated on reading through a thick pile of essays.

I tapped my pen on the table restlessly and tried not to look at the clock too often. Once in a while I glanced over at Edward who was sitting next to me. He still looked completely relaxed and comfortable. Well, maybe he was used to this; he seemed exactly the type to be sitting in detention every other week.

I couldn't help staring at the clock even though I tried not to. It was hard to believe that only fifteen minutes had passed. I shot another angry glance at Edward, even though he didn't notice. I was clearly getting too old for detention.

After another five minutes that felt like forever, the door suddenly slammed open. Our biology teacher, Mr. Banner walked inside and exchanged a few whispered words with Ms. Adams. The two of them now had everyone's attention.

Ms. Adams frowned apparently displeased. Then she finally sighed, seeming to agree with Mr. Banner about something.

"Okay, then," she said turning to face us. "I'm going to have to take care of something. It shouldn't take more than five minutes. Stay here, keep quiet and I'll be right back."

After that she swept out of the classroom Mr. Banner following after her.

As soon as she left the four freshmen started to chat with each other. Edward looked over at me.

"What?" I asked. I didn't like the dangerously mischievous look on his face; it was suggesting that he really was up to no good.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asked smiling.

I raised my eyebrows. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said you had better things to do," Edward said, for some reason looking pleased with himself, "Well, now's your chance." He nodded towards the windows.

My eyes instinctively followed his. Our school's windows were the kind of old fashioned, large ones that were easy to just open and jump out of.

I shook my head looking at him like he was crazy. I surely had understood wrong. "You really are not stupid enough to suggest that we run away from – "

He shrugged. "I think I am."

"No!" I hissed. "Don't even think about it."

"Why not?" he asked innocently.

"Well, because…That. Is. A. Terrible. Idea." I said as firmly as possible. I couldn't believe that it had even crossed his mind.

"Come on, let's get out of here. There's no point wasting the whole afternoon here. And besides, if you're so convinced it wasn't your fault then you shouldn't even feel guilty. Just say yes."

Edward looked me in the eye and just for a minute I forgot where I was. It was really confusing and kind of scary, how his eyes seemed to pierce deep into mine. Then I did something that surprised us both.

I stood up. "I will regret this forever," I whispered to him as I quickly grabbed my bag.

Edward smiled at me wildly and grabbed his own backpack.

We hurried to the window. I kept throwing panicked glances over my shoulder as Edward opened the window. The four freshmen looked at us in some kind of horrified awe.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity but was probably about two seconds, Edward hopped out of the window and held his arms out to me.

I grabbed his hand, steadying myself after the jump, and we stayed frozen on the spot for a second, half expecting to get caught. Then we looked at each other and started to run at exactly the same moment.

We didn't stop until we were hidden beneath the trees, gasping for air and laughing so hard it was impossible to breathe.

Only then I realized we were still holding hands. I quickly jerked my hand out of his, but not before I had time to notice how warm and soft his fingers felt.

That was something I definitely shouldn't have been thinking about.

"I can't believe we just did that," I said grinning at him. I felt somehow unfamiliarly reckless and a little out of control in a good way.

"Me neither, I wouldn't have guessed you had the guts to do it," Edward said looking at me weirdly; like I had surprised him and he was seeing me a bit differently.

"Well, maybe I'm not as soft as you think I am," I said.

"You're right, maybe you're not," Edward said.

"When we get into more trouble I'm going to blame you," I warned him, even though I couldn't be really annoyed at him when I still felt so badass.

"You know we still have one problem though," Edward said ignoring my statement. "We can't go home yet."

"Why not?" I asked sitting on one of the big rocks.

"Because of the notes that the school sent to our parents. They know we're supposed to be in detention."

"Right," I said. I hadn't thought about it but now that he mentioned it, it made sense that they would inform our parents.

"How can you not know about it?" Edward asked. "Esme was giving me a really hard time about it. She thinks it'll make a bad first impression or something. It's a good thing I've already dazzled everyone. Didn't your parents even mention it?"

"No, maybe they haven't seen it yet," I said. Or most likely, they didn't care. "But you're right, we do have a problem," I added changing the subject. It wasn't like I could just leave him here, he had saved me from the detention after all.

After getting me put in there in the first place, I reminded myself.

I thought for a minute, biting my lower lip.

"What are you thinking about?"

I hesitated for a while then gave up and sighed. "I know a place we can go."

Edward gave me a curious look so I jumped off of the rock and started to lead him through the woods. I had been roaming in this forest ever since I learned how to walk; sometimes it felt like I knew every tree. Even though I always talked to Alice about how I couldn't wait to get out of this town, this forest did feel like home.

Edward had a hard time keeping up with me and I smiled to myself when he stumbled over tree roots. He was such a city boy.

"Where are we going?" he asked as he caught up with me.

I kind of didn't want to tell him about it, because after all it was _my place_, but then again, he probably didn't even care, he just needed a place to spend some time.

"It's a place I've found, an abandoned house. It's really scary and there might be ghosts too. I'm not sure if you'll be brave enough to go there," I told him with a serious face.

"I think I'll take my chances," he said. "Besides, you haven't seen Esme when she gets really pissed. I'm not afraid of a few ghosts."

"Fine then," I said. "We'll see about that."

We didn't talk any more on our way there. The walk wasn't that long, since I knew a nice shortcut. It was a bit tricky in places but it did cut some time off the walk.

"Home sweet home," I said as we came to the small meadow where my abandoned house stood, like always, mysterious about its secrets.

"Cool," Edward said eyeing the wooden cottage and the small garden that was covered with grass and ivy. "It's like something from a horror movie."

I looked at him and was surprised to see that he really looked interested in the house, almost amazed.

"Well, I guess you don't find anything like this in the city," I said. Now that I thought about it, from the outside it did look a bit like a scene from some story book.

"No you don't," Edward said.

"Wanna go inside?" I asked.

"Sure," he said as we walked to the door. It opened with a loud creak. Inside everything was as usual, the few pieces of old furniture covered with dust and dirt. Kind of homey.

I turned to look at Edward who had stepped inside after me. He looked around and finally met my eyes.

"Nice," he said finally and for some bizarre reason he looked like he meant it.

I couldn't help laughing. Because, 'nice' really wasn't the right word to describe an old dusty room with some ancient furniture. Even I hadn't found it nice at first, just mildly interesting.

"What?" he asked sitting in one of the wooden chairs.

"Nothing," I said sitting next to him at the table and took a few books out of my bag.

"What do you think you're doing?" Edward asked.

"What does it look like?" I snorted. "Homework."

"Really? We're in some ancient, abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, we just escaped from detention to get out of school work and you're doing homework?"

Now he sounded truly amazed.

"Firstly, I don't really think that this is exactly an _ancient_ house, and secondly we are not in the middle of nowhere, we're in the middle of our home town," I pointed out.

"That's true, weird," Edward said. "I don't know if I'll ever get used to living in the middle of the forest."

I wondered what it would feel like to move from a big city to a small town like Forks. I bet it was a lot to adjust to. Maybe I had been a little too hard on him; after all he had just moved here.

"So what do you think we should do then, if not homework?" I asked him after a small silence, looking around the small room. "It's not like we have that many options."

"I don't know, maybe you could tell me more about the ghosts that live here," Edward grinned.

"No," I shook my head thoughtfully. "You would get too scared."

"Come on Bella, I just convinced you to run away from detention, I'm not scared of anything," Edward said.

"Fine then," I said, raising my feet on to the table and leaning against the wall. I put a suitably dramatic expression on my face. "Once upon a time, a beautiful young maiden lived in this very house. As she grew up, she fell in love with a man that lived on the other side of the town – "

"Star-crossed lovers, always the same, so boring," Edward interrupted me. "Why can't she have a lesbian lover instead?"

"Shut up, I'm telling a story here," I said. "And it's not going to turn into your kinky fantasy. So anyway, they fell in love, but the girl's dad thought that the boy wasn't good enough for her daughter. However, the lovers grew more fond of each other every day. The father couldn't keep the desperate lovers apart despite countless tries and one night, when his daughter was sleeping he took a gun – "

"Are you sure they had invented guns back then?" Edward asked.

"Don't irritate me or I won't tell you the ending," I warned him. "_Fine_, he took a _shovel_ and went to his daughter's room. And while she was still sleeping, he beat her to death and buried her underneath this very house. And even now, on stormy, windy nights, you can hear the poor girl crying and searching for her lost love. There, scared yet?"

Edward shrugged. "Maybe. But wait till I tell you my version, you won't be able to sleep at night."

We spent some more time telling silly ghost stories and time just flew by faster than I expected. I never thought that I would be able to spend time with Edward just talking without him irritating me. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was capable of being nice when he wanted to be.

"I think it's safe for us to go home now," I said finally, with a sigh.

The sun was already setting as we stepped out the door.

We started the walk back through the woods in silence. After a while it started raining but neither of us walked faster. I was used to walking in rain and I was in no rush to get back home and somehow I felt that he wasn't either.

"So Edward," I finally asked something I had been wondering for a while. "Why did you really move to Forks?" I had the feeling that this time he might give me an honest answer.

He turned to look at me a little surprised. "Well, apparently Carlisle and Esme decided it was good for me."

"And it was okay with you?" I asked. He didn't seem like the kind of person who would just up and move when his parents told him to. He also didn't seem like the kind of guy who would trade big city life for Forks.

Edward shrugged. "Yeah."

"But wasn't there anything to keep you there? Friends? A girlfriend?"

Edward raised his other brow at the last word. "Not really. Friends, yeah, but none of them as good as Em and Jazz. As for a girlfriend? I don't do that."

"Huh? You don't do that."

"Nope," Edward said cheerfully. "What about you then? You're not exactly in a committed relationship either, are you?"

I thought about that for a while. "I guess I don't do the relationship thingy either," I said. "They're too messy, complicated."

"Yeah," Edward said.

"I can't believe I actually agree with you on something," I said shaking my head so that raindrops dripped from my hair. We were both pretty much soaked by now. Edward didn't seem to mind any more than I did.

"Yep, I can't believe that there's actually a girl that doesn't think they need a guy by their side to be happy."

I snorted. "That's kind of irrelevant. I don't really believe in happiness anyway."

Edward looked at me with a strange expression. I felt my cheeks getting hotter under his glance. I felt stupid, I hadn't meant to say those things about myself, especially to him. I didn't like people knowing that kind of personal stuff about me.

"You don't believe in happiness?" Edward asked in a kind of husky voice. We had reached the crossing where we were supposed to go to different directions and we had just stopped automatically.

I shrugged, feeling really uneasy now. I didn't like the way he was looking at me, like he understood something about me that I didn't get. "I mean isn't the whole world kind of unreal, like from some fairytale or something? Where the prince gets the princess in the end, but in reality, there is no such thing as happy endings, everything's more complicated."

We were still staring at each other, his eyes locked on mine and I realized that I wasn't breathing. I noticed how close we were, his body only a few inches from mine. It was still pouring and for a moment it was the only sound I could hear.

As we stood there I swear it was almost like he was going to kiss me, or I was going to kiss him, I wasn't sure which.

But then Edward leaned back and the moment was gone and I was relieved that I could breathe again.

"Yeah, I guess so," Edward grinned, his normal smug expression back on his face. "That's a kind of unique thought, though. See you tomorrow."

"See you," I said, staring after him for a while. I sighed and turned in the other direction.

I walked back home absent-mindedly. Mom and Dad were both home and watching TV so I just said hi to them and went to my room. I felt confused and worn out.

This had been a really weird day.

This morning I had thought I loathed Edward Cullen. Period. And now… now I didn't know anymore. Because for a while, when we had been at the abandoned house, it had almost felt like we were… friends. It had been easy and natural, like we could actually get along. Which was weird because I didn't like Edward. He acted like an arrogant, self-centered asshole, got me into detention, and irritated me no end, which was okay because I didn't need to like him. But then he had been acting normal and nice and I suddenly had no reason not to like him anymore.

It wasn't really that either. I would have been okay with that but sometimes… yeah, sometimes there were these moments between us. Like today when we had been standing in the rain and for a moment it looked like he was going to kiss me. It was crazy, and a little scary.

I sighed, lay back on my bed and tried not to think about it all. I didn't feel like doing homework and anyway it was kind of late already. I felt exhausted and not really in the mood for studying.

I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep until I woke up. I was lying on my bed still in my jeans and sweater with the lights on. I sat up rubbing my face and looked at the clock. 12:35 am. Leaning my back against the wall, I tried to clear my thoughts…still not really awake.

Not recalling the details, I realized that I had dreamt about Edward. It shouldn't have been that surprising since I had spent the day with him, but I still didn't like it. Even though I didn't remember the dream, I could still feel it. It was confusing.

"It's just a dream," I whispered. "It's only a dream, Bella."

I didn't know why I still felt so upset.


	5. You're aggressive when you're drunk

**A/N: Than you Riddan and Artemis Leaena for reviewing. (And Artemis for betaing, as always!) I liked writing this chap so hopefully you'll like reading it. And as always reviews are much appreciated, I'd love to hear your opinion! :)**

5 – You're aggressive when you're drunk

**Bella's PoV**

The weather was beautiful but I was still shivering even with my sweater on. It was Friday evening, and time for the infamous last big La Push beach party before the winter.

It wasn't even nine o'clock yet, but most of us seemed to be up to our ears in liquor. Maybe it was the fact that it was Friday, or the end of summer that made everyone a little reckless. Angela and I were sitting by the fire, since Alice had once again abandoned me and went to dance with Jasper. Angela was sophisticatedly sipping her beer and I was holding my paper mug of something a little stronger.

"I don't get what's so amazing about him," Angela said thoughtfully.

"What?" I turned to look at her. I realized I hadn't been listening at all.

"About the new guy I mean," she said glancing over at where Emmett, Jasper and Edward were wrapped in an intense conversation about something I probably didn't want to know. "I mean I know he's Emmett and Jasper's friend and that gives him some cool points at Forks High, but otherwise, nope, I don't see anything that special about him."

"Yep, me neither, I guess it's his mysterious, bad boy aura that keeps everyone interested," I said only half concentrating. I looked at the restless ocean, where the sun had just barely set. I'd always liked La Push Beach. I used to come here with Mom when I was little to collect shells or build a sand castle.

Damn, I thought while sipping down the rest of my liquor. What was the matter with me that I was thinking about sand castles?

"I think I'm gonna go find Alice," I said as I stood up. Or possibly more booze.

I wandered around the beach, not finding Alice, but I did find Mike, and he was friendly enough to offer me something to drink. Probably only because he wanted to get me drunk enough to get in my pants, but who cares about his ulterior motives?

I was starting to feel quite drunk, and considering it wasn't that late, maybe I should have slowed down, but honestly I didn't care. I'd had one hell of a week, shit, I deserved some fun. I gulped down the last of the drink and handed the empty mug back at Mike.

"Thanks," I said.

"You're welcome, always a pleasure to please you," Mike said winking at me.

I rolled my eyes. "As far as pleasing goes, booze is the only thing I'm going to get from you tonight that's going to please me."

"You never know, booze tends to have an unexpected influence on people."

"As much as I appreciate your honesty in revealing your master plan of getting me drunk and then seducing me, don't you think that telling me that is going to make it a little more difficult?" I asked. I kind of liked talking with Mike, because at least he was straightforward.

"Nah, I doubt that's going to make any difference," Mike said. "You know you can't resist me."

"Really?" I raised my other eyebrow. "I seem to be holding up quite well, don't you think?"

"Well, it's only a matter of time."

"Don't stop believin'," I laughed when suddenly I spotted Alice in the middle of the crowd, dancing wildly. "Anyway, I gotta go, thanks for the booze and the messed up seduction attempt. See you later."

"You can try to escape, little girl, just know you won't get far," Mike grinned at me.

I chuckled and gave him the finger as I hurried to catch up with Alice.

"Hi, what's up?" I said grabbing her arm and dragging her aside

"Hi Bella, I lost Jasper and then I couldn't find you anywhere, so I went to smoke some pot with Rosalie Hale," Alice giggled. Well, obviously she was even more out of it than I was.

"What the hell Alice?"

"You know she's actually quite fun when she's stoned," Alice said.

"For God's sake, we don't like her. Remember?" I reminded her.

"What if I decide to start liking her?" Alice asked rebelliously.

"That's fine, just do it when you're sober, okay?" I said.

Alice laughed at that like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard, and after a while I started to laugh too.

"Hey, Bella?" She asked once we had stopped. "Wanna go swimming?"

"I don't think it's a– " then I looked from Alice to the ocean and back. We both recognized that daring look on our faces. We started running towards the ocean at exactly the same time.

Alice was screaming as she took her dress off and I threw my t-shirt right next to her dress on the sand. I threw my shoes behind my back not even looking where they landed.

"Shit!" Alice screamed as she hit the water only about a second before me.

"It's so fucking cold!" I screamed from the top of my lungs as I threw myself in the water, shivering.

Alice laughed twirling around like crazy, and I tripped her, causing her to fall face first in the water.

She got up swearing like a sailor and spitting water out of her mouth, and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe.

"You little shit," she screamed and attacked me with all the force she could gather from her ridiculously small body.

We wrestled a bit in the water and didn't stop until we were both out of breath and soaking wet from head to toe. I floated on my back looking at the dark sky. It was so cloudy; you couldn't see the stars.

"Look at the sky, it's so beautiful, all the stars and everything," she giggled.

"Wow, you must really be out of it," I said only now realizing again that my head was spinning and I had a hard time focusing my eyes on anything. "There are no stars."

"But they are there. We just can't see them," Alice said thoughtfully.

"We should get out," I said. "It's really cold."

"I don't want to," Alice said. "I'm too tired."

"Come on, you're not – " I looked at my right where she had just been floating. Except that now she was more like drowning. "Shit, Alice, get up," I yelled, panicking as she sunk under the surface faster than I had time to react.

"Alice get up!" I yelled grabbing her and trying to pull her up.

After what seemed like forever she got up spattering and laughing. "Haha got ya! You thought I was really going to drown!"

"That was so not funny!" I screamed smacking her wherever I could reach, my heart still beating like crazy. "If you ever do that again, I'll let you drown next time."

"Admit, it was a little funny," Alice said grinning.

"It was not funny at all!" I yelled. "Now let's get out of here, I'm freezing." I grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards the beach.

"Don't be mad at me, Bells," Alice said when we were back on the beach.

"You can just be really annoying when you're drunk," I muttered under my breathe grabbing my other shoe from the ground.

"Whatever, you're boring, I'm going to go find Jasper," she said like a sulking kid, grabbing her dress from the sand and marching away.

"I'm not boring," I yelled after her.

I pulled my other sneaker on my foot and only now realized that I was shivering really hard from the cold wind. I was only wearing a bra and tiny shorts that were both wet.

And worse, I couldn't remember where I had thrown my t-shirt.

"You looking for this?" I turned around fast. Edward was holding my white tee up and looking extremely amused. He was obviously enjoying the situation and the fact that I was only wearing a soaking wet, black lace bra, since he was definitely not looking at my face.

I jerked the t-shirt out of his hand and put it on, even though it didn't help a lot, because soon it was wet and quite see-through.

"Interesting," Edward said still clearly eyeing my body. "You're like… really wet."

I could have smacked him. I was annoyed and drunk and that was never a good combination. "If you don't have anything more constructive to say would you mind fucking off?"

"Aren't we grumpy," Edward said, pleased with himself which made me even more annoyed.

"Oh please, stop being a jerk already," I said. "And I almost thought I might like you for a moment."

"You don't have to like me, since you're already soaking wet for me," he grinned his stupid, sexy, irresistible, twisted grin.

"Argh!" I yelled, smacking him hard on the chest. "Can. You. Stop. Being. An. Asshole."

He was laughing openly now. I could see that he was a little drunk too but not as much as me obviously. He grabbed my wrist before I could hit him anymore and held it so firmly I couldn't jerk myself free of him even if I tried.

"Let me go," I hissed under my teeth.

"No, I don't want you to give me a black eye, that would scare all the ladies," Edward grinned.

"What ladies?" I muttered still trying to break free from his grip even though he was clearly stronger than me. I had to admit it might have been smart on his part to keep me at arm's length if he was going in irritate me more.

"You're aggressive when you're drunk," Edward said staring at me. "I kind of like it."

"I'm not aggressive!" I yelled.

Edward raised his other eyebrow and we stared at each other for a while. Only then did I realize how ridiculous the situation was… and kind of hot.

Edward was so close to me I could smell him. He smelled like booze, sweat, and soap, and suddenly I couldn't breathe anymore.

"No," I whispered to myself trying to clear my thoughts and focus on anything other than how his fingers felt on my skin and how I kind of wanted him to kiss me right now…wait, what? No Bella, you don't want him to kiss you.

"No what?" Edward asked looking at me a little amused and a little worried. "Are you all right? You're acting kind of strange you know, even though I'm used to girls getting a little crazy around me, but-"

"Just shut up already," I groaned and then unexpectedly, out of the blue, I was kissing him.

It was so instinctive, that I didn't even have time to realize what I was doing, but suddenly, my lips were on his, and my arms were free and wrapped around his neck.

He certainly didn't hesitate; he grabbed my waist and pulled my body against his, hard.

So close.

I breathed him in, feeling him in every part of my body, even where he wasn't touching. I pulled my fingers through his hair, pulling his face closer to me.

Damn, I wanted him close to me. I wanted him so bad. He moved his lips down to my chin and then to my neck. I couldn't breathe. He was so close, this was so perfect. I wanted him.

"No wait," I whispered gathering all my willpower to jerk myself away from him. "No, no, _no_."

My head was still spinning, I could hardly see his face, but he was breathing as heavily as I was, looking just as stunned. I shook my head, trying desperately to clear my thoughts. Fuck, I could still taste him in my mouth.

"We can't do this!" I said. "I can't do this. I don't even like you."

"Well, it certainly seemed like you liked me quite a bit," Edward said pulling my hair gently, looking a little startled, and a little smug at the same time.

He looked so sexy. But then again, I was drunk; I had to remind myself of that.

"No, we're not doing this! We're drunk," I said. "Oh no, now you're all wet too," I said looking at Edward's t-shirt that was soaked now too.

"I don't mind," he said pulling his shirt off. "We can always take all our wet clothes off."

I couldn't really concentrate on what he was saying, because I was concentrating on his chest. His chest was perfect; but that shouldn't come as a surprise, he looked exactly like the kind of person whose chest was perfect.

"No, this is so not right," I mumbled sitting on a nearby rock. "I need more booze."

Edward kindly handed me a plastic bottle half full of raw vodka. I gulped down as much of it as I could. Edward stayed back and didn't say anything. I had the feeling that I had kind of freaked him out. I was getting pretty good at this crazy, maniacal, nervous breakdown behavior. Well you know what they say, like mother like daughter or something.

Gosh, I must really be drunk.

I took one more sip from his bottle and handed it back to him. "Thanks," I said not looking at him since he was still not wearing a shirt.

"You're welcome," he said not hesitating to look at me in my wet, see-through tee.

I breathed in deeply. I had fucking kissed Edward Cullen! Great!

"Are you sure you're okay?" Edward asked.

"No, I think I'm going to be sick." Now that I thought about it, I did feel a bit nauseated.

"So see you later."

I stood up and walked away as fast as I could, trying to maintain some of my dignity. I just kept walking not really paying attention to where I was going. It was not that I had kissed Edward; it was just a kiss, no big deal. But the way it had felt. So strong, so intense. I still felt him on my skin; damn I could still taste him on my tongue and he tasted good. I didn't want to admit it but I wanted him a lot, despite the fact I didn't even like him. I mean, most of the time I didn't like him. I certainly didn't want to feel this way.

I sat down on the cold, damp sand, far enough away that Edward couldn't see me and pressed my head between my knees for a while. I so did not want to throw up right now. Okay, I just had to clear up my thoughts a bit. I lay down on the ground staring at the starless sky.

So I had kissed Edward. So it had probably been the best damn kiss of my entire life. It was just a kiss, Maybe I wanted to kiss him again, but it was still nothing more than a kiss. I felt relieved after getting that cleared up. I had scared myself there for a bit for actually feeling attracted to Edward.

I closed my eyes and realized I was shivering from the cold. I was still in my soaking wet clothes and starting to realize that the midnight swim hadn't been that good of an idea after all. I should probably get a change of clothes. It just felt so nice and peaceful to lay here, maybe I would just close my eyes for a sec.

"Bella," I felt someone shaking me from the shoulders. I didn't have to guess to know who, I knew that voice.

"What?" I asked. "Are you following me now?" I sat up realizing that my wet clothes and tangled hair was now full of sand.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You think passing out in the middle of an abandoned beach is the best thing to do," Edward asked sounding irritated.

"This is not an abandoned beach," I said. Then I looked around and realized that I had actually wandered quite a way from where everybody else was. "And anyway, it's none of your business."

"Come on," Edward just said holding out a hand for me.

"I am perfectly capable of getting up without help, so stick your chauvinistic gestures you know where," I said standing up.

"Here," Edward just said holding out his hoodie for me. "Take this; you're going to get bronchitis or something soon."

I didn't like it, but he was probably right. I didn't say anything, just grabbed the hoodie out of his hand and turned around, just to annoy him, before pulling my own tee off. Guess it didn't really make any difference; he had already had quite a good look before. The hoodie was much too big for me, but it was soft, and warm against my cold skin and it smelled good.

"Come on, we should probably get going," I said. I had noticed that Edward was acting like a good old fashioned gentleman, taking care of me like that. Who would have thought? It probably made him feel good. Guys loved it when they got to help girls.

I started to walk towards the party. I didn't have any idea what the time was, but it must have been late. Edward followed after me quietly, and I appreciated him for keeping all the snarky remarks to himself, because I was still not feeling that well.

"Wait," Edward said suddenly and touched my shoulder slightly to stop me.

"What?"

Edward nodded to a nearby stump.

I walked closer, Edward following after me.

"Rosalie?" I asked frowning as I recognized her crouching on the stump, her eyes closed. "Are you all right?"

"No," she whispered. "The sky is so black; it's so terrifying, so final."

"What?" Edward asked, stepping beside me in front of Rosalie.

"Yeah and the sea," she breathed, her mouth barely open. "It kind of makes you want to jump into the waves and stay there forever."

"Apparently someone else felt that way too," Edward said giving me and my wet clothes a meaningful look.

I ignored it skillfully and tried to recall what Alice had said earlier. Something about smoking pot with Rose. "She's high," I said to Edward.

"Isn't that kind of obvious," Edward said looking amused. Always that amused, reckless expression on his face, like he didn't ever take anything seriously.

Rosalie opened her eyes. "Actually that's what I'm going to do," she said sounding determined as she jumped up. "I'm going to jump in, right now!"

She would probably have run right into the sea, if Edward's reflexes had been a bit slower, and he hadn't grabbed her waist just in time.

"Rosalie, calm down," I said grabbing her shoulder.

"But I've got nothing to live for," she almost laughed. "Let me go Bella, I just wanna drown in the sea, become a mermaid! Maybe I was a mermaid before; do you think I was a mermaid in my former life?"

"No I don't, you were a crack head possibly, though."

"But I wanna die," she said starting to sound panicked. "Let me go! I have to go, I don't wanna live anymore."

"Are you kidding me?" I turned to glance at Edward. I could only wonder how I had ended up in this situation; one minute I was kissing him and the next we were trying to prevent suicide attempts together. I could see he wondered that too.

"Rosalie, we won't let you drown yourself," Edward said firmly, not losing his grip on her.

"But I need to, there's nothing to live for. I'm all alone." She was openly weeping now.

Edward looked from crying Rosalie to me and back.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, just as clueless as he was.

"We should probably get her home."

"I don't want to go home, I wanna drown," was Rosalie's response to that.

"Are you kidding, we can't take her home in this condition," I said to Edward.

Her parents were just like everyone else's around here; totally ignorant of what their teenagers were doing in their free time. They would probably have a heart attack or something if their daughter came home like this.

"Well, we certainly can't leave her here," Edward said.

I turned to look at Rosalie, who was trying to wriggle away from Edward, and was hysterically crying something about her life being empty.

"No we can't."

"Hey, what about your abandoned house?" Edward suggested. "It's not that far away. We could get her calmed down and then figure out what to do."

I didn't like the idea. I hadn't liked showing it to Edward in the first place, it was _my_ place. I didn't even particularly like Rosalie.

But as Edward had said, we couldn't leave her here. We didn't seem to have any other option.

"Okay, Rose, can you walk for a while?" I asked in the calmest voice I could manage when I was still having a hard time gathering my thoughts.

"Where?" she asked in between sobs.

"To an abandoned cottage, it's a wonderful place, I swear you need to see it before you drown yourself" Edward said. I had the feeling he handled the calming voice thing a little better than I did.

"If I come with you, then will you let me drown?" she asked like a sulking kid, wiping the tears from her face.

"Sure," I sighed. "Come on."

Edward had his hands full trying to hold Rosalie up, so I had to stumble through the streets on my own. That was fine, I didn't need his help anyway. I only fell a few times, and probably wouldn't have anything but a few small bruises on my knees tomorrow.

Finally we made it to the cottage.

"Home sweet home," Edward said as he pushed Rosalie in after me.

"What is this place?" Rosalie asked in a shivering voice. She didn't look like she approved.

"It's the place you're going to clear your head a bit before we can let you go safely," I said a little grumpily. I wasn't exactly pleased about the situation either, if I had the choice I wouldn't have spent the night – or even part of the night – in the middle of the forest, with Edward and pothead Rosalie.

I didn't like being the responsible one, it was making me sober up a little and I didn't like it. If I was going to be spending some time with these two I'd rather I wasn't sober.

"But you said you'd let me drown you promised!" Rosalie was starting to get panicky again. "You said, tell her she said that." she pointed the last words to Edward who still looked perfectly relaxed. Now _that_ was irritating.

"Yes she said you could," Edward answered. "And we will, after you've slept a little, if you still want to."

I nodded.

"Okay," Rosalie shrugged, marched to the corner of the small room, lay down, and closed her eyes. "Good night."

"Wait, you're going to sleep there?" I frowned.

"Does she have that many options?" Edward asked looking around the small place.

"This is crazy," I sighed and pulled an, old, dusty blanket from one corner and covered Rosalie with it.

"Thanks," she said quite sleepily. Thank God, it didn't look like it would take long for her to fall asleep.

I sat down on top of the old, wooden table. I only just noticed I was still shivering in Edward's hoodie. Edward didn't seem to be cold, even though he was only wearing his t-shirt. Right, it must have something to do with my wet shorts and hair that still hadn't dried.

"You're cold," Edward pointed out.

"I warn you," I said in my most dangerous voice. "One suggestive joke about ways to get warmer and I swear – "

"Relax, Bella," Edward said, clearly not as threatened by my warning as he should have been. "I'm a gentleman after all; I wouldn't try to take advantage of a poor girl in a vulnerable state."

"Hah, as if that would ever happen," I said.

"You didn't seem against the idea earlier," Edward said as he sat beside me.

We weren't touching but we were close enough that I could feel my body responding to him. After a kiss like that… well it was quite impossible not to want him.

"Hey do you have more booze?" I asked quickly so that he wouldn't see through me.

"Sure," he said handing me a bottle from his jeans pocket. I took a long gulp and handed the bottle back to him.

I jumped a little as my phone started ringing. I hastily took it from my pocket and answered it when I saw it was Alice.

"Hi, Bells, what's up?" Alice shouted through the noise. "Where did you disappear to? I've been looking for you like, everywhere." She laughed at that like it was the funniest thing she'd heard in a while.

"I'm at the abandoned house with Edward and Rosalie."

"Oh okay… wait, what?"

"Yeah, Rose is sleeping, and I'm just kind of stuck here with Edward," I said grabbing the bottle from Edward and taking a long gulp. It was starting to warm me up nicely.

"I don't know what the fuck you are doing there, but I'm coming too," Alice said sounding excited. It almost sounded like she was jumping up and down – I wouldn't be surprised. "If you're having some kind of secret camping party, I'm not going to miss it."

"That's not exactly the case." The night was growing more bizarre by the minute.

"See you in a minute," Alice giggled and hung up.

I sighed and turned to look at Edward who was emptying the bottle at an alarming speed, maybe it was good that Alice was coming here after all.

After gulping down a little more of Edward's booze – and he was quite generous with it, maybe he liked me better drunk – I started to feel better and was soon giggling at everything Edward said.

"Stop it, or I might actually start to think that I'm funny," Edward said after one hysterical fit of laughter.

"You are so funny," I giggled in a very uncharacteristic way for me. "Gosh, I'm drunk."

"I know," Edward said. "Maybe that's good."

"Why?" I asked looking at him, serious now.

"Well, I have the feeling, you would be pissed off about the situation otherwise," he said.

I looked at his eyes, and once again was a little startled by how close we were to each other. "Well, I don't know."

"What, are you suggesting? That you're actually starting to like me?" he said in a joking manner, but his face was completely serious. I had the feeling that he was aware of our closeness too.

"At times," I said and was surprised by how my voice turned out to be nothing more than a whisper.

"Stop it, or I'm going to kiss you again, and I won't be responsible for what happens after that," Edward said and I loved the dangerous edge in his voice, even though he was almost as drunk as I was.

I squinted my eyes a little. "You can try if you dare."

He was going to kiss me. I could see it in his eyes. If only the front door hadn't slammed open at that exact moment, and startled us away from each other. I couldn't decide if I was relieved or disappointed.

Alice fell inside and to our surprise, she wasn't alone – Jasper and Emmett both stumbled in after her.

The sound of them dashing in woke Rosalie up and she jumped up with a slightly panicked glare in her eyes.

"Well, well, what do we have here," Emmett said throwing his arm around Edward. "Our boy, Edward, with two chicks."

"Cut the crap, Emmett," I spluttered. "We're taking care of Rosalie."

"Yeah, because you seem to be in a condition to take care of someone," he said.

"Whatever," I said and grabbed the bottle from Edward again. It looked like it was going to be a long night with these guys.

xxx

I was feeling fairly uncomfortable, not to mention the growing signs of a bitch of a hangover. I was sleeping in a weird position, my back hurt, and I wasn't entirely sure if I was able to move my neck anymore.

Opening my eyes I examined the situation a bit more before carefully,. My head was leaning partly on the wall, partly on Edward's shoulder. Remembering all that had happened last night, it made my cheeks turn red to be so close to him. Alice's head was on my stomach and she was still fast asleep. Jasper had wrapped his arms around her, and Emmett and Rosalie were on the other side of the room.

I tried to dig the blurry memories from my mind. Edward was moving beside me and I turned my head slowly to look at him.

"Morning, beautiful," Edward grinned.

I frowned. Did Edward Cullen just call me beautiful? I must still be dreaming. Or he must still be drunk.

"Did we actually sleep here the whole night?" I asked. "Unbelievable."

"No, in fact I think we stayed up most of it," Edward said. I could only wonder how he managed to only sound a little tired after so much booze and so little sleep.

Alice and Jasper were starting to move too, probably woken up by me and Edward. Rosalie and Emmett got up slowly too, yawning and rubbing their eyes.

"Hey, who wants breakfast?" Emmett said raising a half full bottle of vodka.

Everyone turned to look at Emmett in tired disbelief. Then Edward shrugged and leaned out to take the bottle from Emmett. "Sure, I'll have some."

I closed my eyes with a small moan, wondering where I was going to end up with this lot.


	6. Knocking is overrated

**A/N: Thanks so much for reviewing matthias4ever and also thanks to those who have added this to their favorite or alert lists :) Here's the next chapter, enjoy!  
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6. Knocking is overrated

**Edward's PoV**

I laid on my bed tapping my foot on the wall and absent-mindedly plucking the strings of my guitar. Sunday afternoons were usually a depressing time. Alcohol or weed usually made it more bearable, but since Esme was still mad about the detention and I was supposed to be making an effort, I was going to settle for the other kind of drug; music.

I had been playing guitar for as long as I could remember. The last few years I hadn't been doing it that much, there had just been so many other things occupying my time lately, but apart from Emmett and Jasper, my old Gibson was still my best friend. Actually a while back we had planned that we would set up an indie rock band after we graduated from high school and travel around the world. It would be perfect, just the three of us, Emmett would be on drums and Jasper would play the keyboard. Too bad none of us could sing.

I startled awake from my thoughts when my door slammed open. "Who the hell let you in?" I asked sitting up as Jasper and Emmett stepped inside my room.

"Esme, of course," Emmett grinned. "She was actually happy to see us, but then again, she's always happy to see me, must have something to do with my built-in charisma, which always gets you out of trouble."

"Yeah, because knocking would be too much to ask," I said.

"Knocking is overrated," Emmett said sitting on my bed. Jasper was already sitting on my desk, leaning against the wall. "Besides, you don't seem to be up to anything special anyway, sorry if we interrupted you being bored."

"Very funny, Emm, very funny," I said. "Hey guys, do you remember our band?"

"Sure," Jasper said nodding. "Maybe we should start practicing if we're going to make our epic world tour in few years."

"Yeah, but first we have to make up a name," Emmett said. "I'm suggesting Emm and the Boys."

I busted out laughing. "Are you kidding? We would never be taken seriously." Emmett threw me with a pillow.

"You two will never be taken seriously, anyway," Jasper said sitting on the desk and looking down on us.

"Hey, that's not fair!" I exclaimed, "We'll be taken perfectly serious. And of course, if we won't, we can always bribe them with Emmett's parent's money."

"Yeah, great idea, let's go take on the world then, guys," Jasper laughed rolling his eyes.

"Actually I think it is a great idea," Emmett said. "Speaking of which, I hope you haven't forgotten about our bet."

"Right, about that" I said not looking at Emmett. "I'm out of it."

"What?" Emmett asked turning to look at me.

"Yeah, I'm out of the bet," I said.

"You finally come to your senses and realized that betting about something like that is totally immoral and stupid?" Jasper asked.

"What, are you crazy?" Emmett seemed so shocked it was quite funny. "You can't back off from a bet. You decided you don't want her after all?"

Actually, neither of them was right. I still thought that betting about something like that was fun and exciting, and when it came to wanting her, well I definitely did. It was just because it was her.

For the short period of time I had known her, I had learned one thing; Bella Swan was quite unusual. She wasn't like any of the girls here, she was cheeky and quick-tempered and she didn't pretend to be anything other than she was just to please someone. And just when you thought you had figured her out, she'd completely change direction; she was a challenge. And aside from that, she was fun to be around.

And it wasn't just that, I did want her, now more than ever. Of course I wasn't the type to say no to a pretty girl, but it wasn't just that, especially after she kissed me last Friday – and yeah, I definitely hadn't seen that one coming – it had been confusing and frustrating and kind of driving me crazy how much I wanted her.

So yeah, Bella Swan would surely be interesting even without any bets.

"In fact, I can," I said to Emmett.

"I think it's more that he realized, he did want her," Jasper said observing me closely.

"Ooh," Emmett said his mouth slowly turning into a wide grin. "If I didn't know better, I'd say our little Eddie is having a crush."

"Then it's a good thing that you do know better," I said. I didn't have crushes.

"However it will be interesting to see how you're going to win over Ms. Swan, she has quite a temper," Emmett said.

"I've noticed," I said. "And I don't think I'll have problem with that." Judging by last Friday, at any rate, because she could deny it all she wanted, but she wanted me too.

If I didn't know me better, I could have even said that she got me confused, but I was Edward Cullen, I didn't get confused about girls, it was weak.

I spent the rest of the afternoon fooling around with Emmett and Jasper. Emmett even came up with the name of our first single, it was called "Take Your Jeans Off" and Jasper and I weren't as certain as Emmett was that we'd get laid with it, but at least I had fun with them. But then again, I always had fun with them, that'd never change.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

By Sunday afternoon I was fairly certain that our little dip into the sea had been a mistake. Everything, from head to toe, was hurting and, even though I was wrapped inside an over big jumper and two blankets, I was still shivering. I was blowing my nose about every five minutes and by now it was all red and puffy. I didn't even have to go find our thermometer to tell that I had the temperature.

Mom opened my door frowning.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. I had the feeling that she had kind of forgotten how to take care of someone, it wasn't really surprising, her being the one being taken care of.

"Sick," I mumbled under my blankets.

"Do you want anything?" mom asked wringing her hands uneasily.

"No."

"Okay, let me know if you do," she said looking worried. She waited for a while before turning around and leaving.

I drifted into sleep from time to time and, as the day turned into night, it became clearer that I wouldn't be going to school tomorrow.

I didn't exactly mind it, but I hated being sick. It made me feel so weak, defenseless.

I went through the night eating aspirin and, by the morning, I was feeling slightly better and was sure my temperature was already dropping. I was still half asleep, when I heard the doorbell. I waited for a while, but when no one went to get it, I reluctantly got up. Dad was probably already at work, in the police station, where he did paper work, and mom was probably asleep, since her medication made her sleepy and, in her current state of unemployment, she didn't really have much else to do anyway.

I dragged myself downstairs and opened the door to find out that Victoria was standing on our porch. That was kind of surprising, since she didn't usually come here, but I went to her place.

"Hi, I heard you got the cold," she said cheerfully. "Gosh, you do look horrible."

"Thanks, auntie," I grinned. "What do you have in there?" I asked nodding towards the big bag she was carrying with her.

"Chicken soup, hot chocolate, tissues, painkillers, strepsils, and romantic comedies," she said looking pleased with herself.

"Wow," I said letting her in and closing the door quickly, since I was starting to shiver from the cold.

"Hey, I take being an aunt seriously, you'll be off to college in few years anyway, so I gotta take care of you when I still have the chance," she said, and even though she was smiling, I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"I don't like romantic comedies," I said as we stepped into the kitchen that was once again quite a mess.

"I know, but I also know that no one's brain – not even yours – would be able to process the kind of crazy, metaphorical indie movies you usually watch."

I shrugged, realizing she was probably right. I sat down, still feeling kind of dizzy and weak.

"When's the last time you've eaten anyway?" she asked putting the chicken soup in the microwave.

I thought about that for a while. "I don't remember."

Victoria shook her head. "I knew it, you have to start eating, you'll never get a guy being that skinny."

I rolled my eyes leaning against the kitchen table. "Guys are just trouble." I couldn't help remembering Friday night and kissing Edward. How it had felt so wrong and so right at the same time and, even though it was just a kiss, I thought about it a far too often for my own sanity.

We spent the day eating chicken soup and drinking hot chocolate and going through Victoria's favorite romantic comedies, even though I slept half the time, but in the late afternoon when we had just finished _Notting Hill_, I was feeling fairly well and was sure my temperature had dropped near normal again.

"I should probably get going," Victoria said taking the disc from the DVD player at the same time that mom stepped inside the living room.

"Hi Renee," Victoria said. "I was just leaving."

"Hi," mom said after a short silence and walked through the living room to the kitchen.

Victoria gathered her things and gave me a quick hug.

"Hope you'll be better soon, give me a call if you need anything," she whispered in my ear.

I considered going to the kitchen with my mom, but just went to my room, deciding I had been sociable enough for today.

Once back in my room I realized I didn't really have anything to do. Since I was still tired I didn't have enough energy to really do anything useful, and I wasn't the reading type either, so I settled for putting on a CD Alice had loaned me a while back and sat on my bed.

After a while I had almost fell back asleep when I startled awake hearing a weird noise coming from somewhere over by my window.

I looked to the window, where the sun was already setting. I had almost convinced myself that I had imagined the noise, when I heard it again.

Reluctantly, I jumped off of the bed and walked over the window.

And almost had a heart attack over what I was seeing. I must've been sicker than I felt, having hallucination already. Because surely, there was no way, Edward Cullen would be outside my window, hanging from a branch growing from the tree outside my window, in a very dangerous looking position.

I opened the window quickly, not because I wanted him inside my room, but merely because it wouldn't look good for me if he was found dead under my window.

"Are you crazy?" I hissed as soon as he had jumped inside. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? You could have killed yourself! And besides, what the hell makes you think you have the right to just appear outside my window."

I didn't know how he had even discovered where I lived; let alone which one was my window.

"You always have a way of making a guy feel welcome," Edward said looking around.

"No reason to make anyone feel welcome, if they're not," I said. "Now, could you please explain what you are doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," Edward said like it was the most normal thing.

"You wanted to see me," I repeated dryly. "Why couldn't you call me then? Or at least use the door?"

"This seemed like the easiest option; I didn't want to make your parents curious."

I couldn't stop staring at him. I wouldn't have thought that I'd find a guy who thought that climbing inside a second-floor window was an easier option than using a door.

Apart from that, I found him suddenly being here quite bothersome, because, to be honest, I had spent the rest of the weekend trying to not think about him. Not think about the kiss, or the fact that even though he was constantly irritating me, I did want him—physically, at least—and that he was confusing me. A lot more than anyone had in a while.

And if that wasn't reason enough to stay away from him, anyone would be smart enough to realize that this guy, with his reputation, just wouldn't be good for me. But staying away from him was turning into a kind of problem, since he had just climbed inside my window.

Edward was looking at me too, and it only made me aware of how awful I looked.

I was wearing my oldest sweats and no makeup, my hair was tangled and my nose red, and even if Edward wouldn't have been probably the best looking guy in the school—who I did not want to want—I wouldn't have liked him seeing me like this.

And the fact that he was so close to me, I could almost feel him breathe didn't help…at all.

"I'm sorry, I might have changed into something more suitable, if I knew you were paying me a visit," I pointed out, sarcasm heavy in my voice.

"That's fine, you look gorgeous," Edward said simply, there was no sarcasm in his voice, even though he clearly was joking.

"That's kind of thick even for you," I pointed out stepping back.

"What? I was merely stating that you are beautiful, and you manage to turn even that against me," Edward said sounding insulted. He sat on my bed. "Nice room, by the way."

"Thanks," I said kind of puzzled, I really couldn't make out if he was mocking me, because he did sound sincere. But then again he was Edward: reckless, arrogant, and almost never sincere. But I was too exhausted to try to figure out his games anyway.

Instead I just sat on the bed too, even though it was too close to him to really feel relaxing, but not close enough, according to the stupid signals my body was sending to me.

But I just settled for ignoring them the best I could, after all, wanting and liking someone was an entirely different thing. I guess.

"Why did you want to see me?" I asked.

"When you didn't show up at school today – and you don't seem like the type who would ditch without a reason – I decided I'd come check on you," he said, again sounding like it was the most normal thing.

"I have a cold," I said.

"I can see that now," he pointed out with a smile. But this one wasn't his usual amused grin, or even the sexy suggestive one, but it seemed like a genuine smile. "Having regrets about the nighttime swimming trip are you?"

"I'm above that, regret is useless." It wasn't exactly true, but it sounded good.

Edward smiled at that. "Aren't you happy that I came to cheer up your boring day?"

I didn't have time to answer, when I heard mom's steps come closer and froze momentary, but relaxed when she seemed to just pick up something and go back downstairs.

It wasn't the first time I had someone in my room who wasn't supposed to be there – when we were smaller, Alice sometimes sneaked in, when we were supposed to be asleep – and I doubted that even if she did find Edward here, I'd get into any real trouble, but it would still cause an uncomfortable situation.

"If my mom finds out, I'm so going to tell her you intruded without my permission," I told Edward.

"Aren't you excited at the possibility of getting caught?" Edward said flashing me his suggestive, bad boy, player smile full on, and even though I knew exactly that he was just trying to seduce me – well it kind of worked.

"How can you make a seemingly normal sentence sound so suggestive," I said. "It's kind of a skill already."

"Yeah, I'm a man of many skills," Edward said and I punched him on the shoulder. Or more like tried to punch but he was quicker and caught my wrist before I hit him, and kind of tackled me on the bed and started to tickle my stomach.

I wasn't really amused but couldn't help laughing as I tried to get him off of me. "Stop it you evil, evil man!"

I finally wrestled him away from me, and set out for a revenge, when I kind of got caught by his eyes and only then fully realized that we were on my bed, me practically on top of him, only few inches away, and I wasn't even concerned.

I gave myself a mental slap and tried to gain some control of the situation when Edward wrapped his arms around me, not pulling me closer to him, but simply holding me.

"Don't," I almost whispered.

"What?" Edward asked almost sounding innocent, if his eyes wouldn't have given him away, because I saw the desire in them, and I was sure that he saw the same longing in mine.

"Don't do this right now," I said. "I don't have resistance for that now."

"Then don't resist."

Suddenly we were kissing again. And it was amazing, even more terrific than I had remembered. I could feel him with my whole body. He pulled me closer, hard, and I did as he told me, I didn't resist. And not resisting was wonderful. His mouth was hot and eager and I wasn't holding back. Shit, I wasn't even thinking, and his hands were all over me, his fingers first clutching my hair, pulling my head closer to him, and then finding their way through my body. My eyes were closed and I was feeling, just feeling.

And man did I feel.

This was even greater than our first kiss, because this one wasn't blurred with booze, it was intoxicating surely, but it was all him, just him and me.

And I knew that he felt the same way, I could feel it from the way he was holding on to me, I could taste it in his tongue, I could sense by the way his body felt under me.

I wanted him so much. I wanted so much more than just kissing, and it would have surely been terrifying if he wasn't distracting me so skillfully.

"Wait," I tried to say eventually, but it came out as an unclear mumble.

"Edward." I tried again, even though it took all my self-control, my voice was clearer this time.

His lips left mine as he heard my demanding tone, but he didn't pull apart from me.

"We shouldn't –" I started sitting up, and he got up too, his arms still around my hips. But then I couldn't make up any reasons why we shouldn't, and when it looked like I didn't have anything more to say, he just kissed me again. First, a little gentler, almost like it was a question and I lost myself in him for a while longer because what harm could a few more stolen moments do now.

After a while he ran his fingers down my back and slowly slipped them under my shirt. I loved the feeling his fingers left on my bare skin. But when he started to jerk my shirt up and over my head I reluctantly pulled away again. This was all going so fast.

Kissing guys was fun, surely, nothing wrong with it. But this, this was so intimate, so eager, my body was responding to him in a totally different level.

"Please," I whispered. "Not so fast."

He looked me in the eye, and I was sure he was thinking about the same thing that I was, that he'd probably never before seen me so vulnerable, so open. I hated it, it made me feel so… well vulnerable.

I was sure Edward could feel me closing up, since he slowly pulled away from me. I didn't want that, I wanted him close to me, but it was better that way. I needed space. I needed to get a hold of my thoughts again, and they were running away, because I could still taste him my mouth.

"Maybe I should leave now, let you get some rest, get better," Edward said.

I wanted to tell him to stay, that I'd willingly let him take away my shirt and all my other clothes too, but I couldn't have said that.

Edward flashed me his crooked grin as he got up. "We can always continue some other time. And believe me, we will."

I realized he wasn't really taking this seriously. But then again, he had no reason to.

I nodded at him. "See you at school, I guess."

Edward nodded turning towards the window.

I hesitated for a while but couldn't help it. "Edward?" I called and he turned around and surprisingly understood what I wanted from a single look.

He smiled and pulled me in for one last sweet, demanding, mind-blowing kiss before letting go.

"Good night, Bella Swan."

"And hey, Edward," I said when he was already climbing out the window. "Next time, use the door, please."

He turned around "Next time? You're resistance is growing weaker, Miss Swan."

My heart kept beating faster long after he was gone. Maybe it was just a kiss. But it was one hell of a kiss.

And when it came to trying not to dream about Edward…well that was impossible now.

xxx

Tuesday at school, everyone was still talking about the party last Friday. It appeared to be the phenomenon of the fall or something. I had seemingly missed most of it. Jessica throwing up all over Eric, Angela and Ben making out, Tyler starting a fight and almost getting beaten up and taken to the hospital. I didn't mind though.

By the lunch break, I was already tired of school, fed up with all the gossiping, and in desperate need of finding Alice. Only Alice was nowhere to be found.

I had searched through almost the whole school, until I finally spotted her on the third floor talking with Mike. It was weird, because Alice and Mike weren't really friends. Mike said something and Alice laughed pushing him playfully.

"Hi."

Alice turned to look over her shoulder and smiled when she saw it was me. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I was just searching through the whole building trying to find you."

"I won't bother you girls anymore, see you later." Mike gave Alice a smile, nodded at me and walked away.

"What was that about?" I asked. "Since when have you and Newton been friends?"

Alice shrugged. "He's kind of fun. And how come you can be friends with him and I don't?"

"Firstly, we're not exactly friends. Secondly, he's a bad influence."

Alice snorted, and gave me her 'you're-being-silly' glance, before we walked to the stairs.

Since it was actually sunny out, we decided to go outside. We sat on the same bench Edward and I had been when we got detention. It had been less than a week ago, but it surely felt like longer.

Thinking about Edward made me feel… puzzled.

"What's wrong?"

For a while I considered about not telling Alice, but Alice and I told each other everything.

"Edward was over at my house yesterday."

"What?" Alice looked at me like I was out of my mind.

"Yeah, and we kind of – "

Alice's eyes grew large as the realization hit her before I had even said the words out loud. "You what?" she asked eagerly.

"We kind of kissed. A lot."

"Bella!" She breathed in sharply. "What the fuck?"

That was actually a very good question.

"So what now? Are you like… into him or something? "

I shook my head quickly. "No, nothing like that. And I definitely don't want to start anything with him, or anyone, but kissing him was nice, more than nice."

Alice looked at me biting her lip, like she was trying to figure me out. I could not even try to tell her, how Edward made me feel. Damn, _I_ couldn't even explain to myself how he made me feel. No I definitely wasn't into him, I thought that was kind of a childish way of putting it, but I did want to be close to him, and when he wasn't irritating, he was actually nice to be around. Very nice.

"Well, what's the problem with it then?" Alice asked after a while. "Kiss him all you want, it's time you start to have some fun too."

I smiled; the way Alice put it made it sound so easy, simple. In reality, nothing in life was easy.

"But Bella, he's Edward, he might want something more than kissing, you know," Alice said.

"Oh, I know," I said rolling my eyes. There was no reason to mention, that I too wanted something more. "But I have no intentions of taking this any further." Indeed, I had the feeling that this situation was already a little out of my control, and I did not like that.

"Whatever you wish," Alice said. "We should probably get something to eat."

After lunch break I had biology. Edward smiled at me outside the classroom. To my surprise, I answered with a wide smile before walking into the classroom.

"Hi," I said sitting next to Rosalie.

Rosalie smiled at me. "Hey, Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I guess I never thanked you for taking care of me on Friday," she said little awkwardly.

"It's okay," I said. After the party, Rosalie and I had become – well, not friends but something like it.

When we'd woken up Saturday morning, Alice and Jasper had been too occupied with each other and, Edward and Emmett had been too occupied with their hangovers, so I hadn't really had any other choice than to hang out with Rosalie. And maybe I should admit that I might have been wrong about her, she really seemed kind of fun to hang out with.

I spent the period playing hangman with Rosalie, and I learned that being something like friends with her had other benefits too, like nicer biology classes.

Edward caught up with me as I made my way out of the classroom. To be honest I had kind of expected this, we hadn't talked during the whole day.

"Hi," I said to him, not glancing over my shoulder or stopping.

"Bella," he said laughter in his voice. I had to admit I kind of liked the sound of my name on his lips. "Would it be too much to ask for you to stop for a moment? You must be the only girl I've ever chased and that's the second time already. It's getting quite ridiculous already."

I turned around. "Then why are you chasing?"

He grabbed my waist as soon as I turned and pushed me against the wall, leaning closer to me.

I could feel my breathing getting heavier, as he stood closer. I had to agree with him, it was indeed getting kind of ridiculous.

"Edward," I said as firmly as I could. "We're at school!"

"And?"

I shook my head.

"Come to my place tonight," Edward said suddenly.

"What?"

"Yeah, you know where I live, right?"

I frowned at him. "I don't know if that's clever."

"Guess we have to find out then, don't you think?" Edward gave me one of his charming smiles I'd grown to like. "Besides, I'm not exactly into _clever_ ideas."

I sighed. "I don't promise anything."

"Keep telling yourself that, darling," Edward said winking at me, he was one of the very few guys who could seriously wink in a situation like this and make it look cool.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" We both turned our eyes towards Emmett who had just appeared from around the corner. "As much as I hate to interrupt you guys, it's time to go, Eddie."

Edward leaned back giving me some space and I quickly lurked away under his arms.

"I'll be seeing you," Edward said to me before walking to Emmett.

Emmett put his arm around Edward's shoulder and, as they walked away, I heard him saying something like, "You're sailing in dangerous waters, mate."

xxx

**B/N:**

**Ok…so _WHY_ am I not seeing more reviews for this fic? C'mon people…I know you're out there reading, drooling, imagining Edward pushing you against a wall, his lips…aherm…what was I saying! LOL Oh, right…_REVIEW_ folks! It's better than Edward kisses, and hugs, and full body rubs, and…oh myyyyy…*swooning* _~Artemis Leaena_**


	7. I'm not supposed to like you

**A/N: Thank you Ajayee so much for reviewing!  
>So I have a bit of a problem here, my awesome beta Artemis Leaena is unable to beta this right now, so if anyone with a good grammar skills would be willing to help me, I'm in a desperate need for a beta! :D Just message me or leave a review, if you'll able to help.<strong>

**Due to this beta thing and also me going away for a few days it might take a bit longer to get the next chap here, but hope you enjoy this one and I'll update as soon as I can!  
><strong>

7. I'm not supposed to like you

**Bella's PoV**

I was not the kind of person who liked to do what other people told her to do. In fact, sometimes I might just not do something I was about to do, because someone told me to do it. But when Edward asked me to come to his place there was just no way was I going to be able to say no to that. When I thought about it, technically, I hadn't promised him anything. I could have just stayed home, or called Alice, or maybe even Rosalie, or done something else.

But the thing was that I wanted to go. Badly. I wanted to see the place where Edward lived, because even though I knew I shouldn't have, I couldn't help being interested in him. There was something about him that I couldn't figure out and, of course, there was the thing about his parents. Maybe I thought that being in his house would get me some kind of clue as to why he was adopted.

And I wanted to see him. Strictly speaking, I wanted to do more than just _see_ him, and also if I didn't go, he would think that I was scared of him. Which I wasn't. At all.

So after six, I grabbed my car keys and was out of the door before mom had even had time to realize I was going somewhere.

The drive to Edward's house wasn't long. It was, however, long enough to get scared and change your mind. So when I finally made it to their house, I was already ready to turn around and go home.

Because after all, what the hell was I doing? What was the point in all this? I couldn't just go to his place, what would his parents think? That I was his girlfriend or something? Which I definitely wasn't…and wouldn't be.

And Edward, he was – fine, I had to admit that I maybe did have fun with him at times, but still, I knew so many good reasons why I shouldn't be friends with him. He was arrogant and self-centered, had detrimental tendencies, low morals, and a good chance of ending up being a chain-smoking, alcoholic drug addict.

And I wasn't able to say no to him.

I dialed Alice's number. She picked up just when I was going to hung up. "Bella? What now?"

"I just wanted to talk to you," I said. "I'm kind of having a situation here."

"What?" She seemed instantly more alert. "Are you okay? Something happened with your parents?"

"No nothing like that, I'm okay," I said. I guess.

"Well then, can we talk later, I'm kind of busy here," she said.

"Okay, but – "

"Okay, good, see you tomorrow." She hung up before I had even answered.

I let out an annoyed sigh, would it really have killed her to give few more minutes to my problems? But guess that was just the downsides of your best friend falling madly in love, she just wasn't available all the time anymore.

I spent a few more moments staring at Edward's house. "For fucks sake Bella, are you a woman or a mouse?" I asked then and got out of the car.

The door opened almost immediately after I had rung the doorbell. A beautiful, brown-haired woman in her early forties stared at me, looking slightly surprised. I realized that must've been Esme, Edward's foster mother.

"Hello?" she said, when I just stared at her, wide-eyed.

"Hi, I'm Bella, your, um… son asked me to come over," I started. "We're doing a school project together." I added, because I didn't want her to jump into conclusions. Which I think she might have still done.

"Oh, okay," Esme looked a little unsure. "I'm Esme Cullen, he's – oh, here he comes."

And that was when I noticed Edward who was jumping down the stairs and not looking at all surprised that I had turned up. I would have wanted him to look at least a bit surprised.

"Hi," he said giving me the kind of look that made me happy that he was standing behind Esme, so that she couldn't see. However, I was embarrassingly aware that she could see my cheeks turning red. Why did I have to be the blushing type? I had inherited that, among my many faults from mom.

"I'll let you two get to work then," Esme said moving out of the way so that I could finally step inside the house and take a first good look at it.

It was beautifully decorated. Light and open, everything seemed to have its own place, and I made a mental note to never let Edward see our messy, shabby house – or anything more than what he'd already seen of it – since his home was clearly straight out of a decoration magazine with its natural colors and elegant details.

"Come on," Edward said and turned back to where he had just came from.

Surprisingly, I found Edward's room to be quite intriguing. I hadn't known what to expect, but when I first stepped in, I was a bit surprised. I hadn't expected anything so cool, organized. Sure his room was a bit messy, but only a bit. The walls were clean, apart from one dark blue wall. Apart from the basic furniture, he had quite an impressive CD-collection; it was the first thing I noticed. And the second was his black, expensive looking guitar.

"I didn't know you play guitar," I said, though why would I know that? After all I didn't know that many things about him. "Maybe you'll play for me sometime."

"Maybe," Edward shrugged. I was kind of surprised that he didn't jump on the chance to impress me with some ballad…he seemed like the kind of guy who might.

I walked over to his stereo system. "What were you listening to?" I asked, clicking the music on. It sounded like some 80s rock band I didn't recognize. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault if your musical taste is not that educated, but," Edward said moving closer to me. "Because you're my guest I'll let you chose the music. See how nice I am?"

I rolled my eyes and turned to look at his CDs. After a while I noticed an indie band I liked and put it on. I turned around and noticed Edward standing close to me, closer than I was prepared for, it took me off guard.

I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if I was breathing evenly and I didn't want him to notice the effect he had on me at moments like these.

He leaned closer to me and I held my breath.

But he just leaned to grab something from the shelf behind me, and soon stepped away again, a bottle in his hand and a grin on his face.

"If I'm going to spend the night here listening to crappy music," he explained opening the bottle.

After he had taken a gulp, I took it from him, and moved to sit on the bed, feeling stupid about my body's reactions.

I took a sip from his bottle, and turned to look outside the window, towards the dusky forest. Edward sat beside me, and we fell into a somewhat comfortable silence, passing the bottle back and forth.

It was kind of natural being with him like this. A little unnerving, though, not knowing what he was thinking.

"Do you think we spend too much time together?" I asked finally.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. Isn't this kind of weird? I'm not supposed to like you."

"You're funny," Edward smiled. "Why are you not supposed to like me?"

"I can think of lots of reasons," I said.

"Actually, I can too," Edward said.

"Right, you see – "

"But I can't think of any why you shouldn't like kissing me," he continued.

I turned to look at him. "Isn't that kind of contradictory?"

"Yes," Edward said, he was leaning closer to me and I knew he was going to kiss me, I could see it in his eyes, and I breathed in his scent. "But so are you."

Edward was kissing me before I had time to prepare, he always did that, took me off guard, just when I thought I was in control.

And after that, his hands didn't leave me, not even after a long time when he reached for the bottle and took a deep gulp. I laughed at that, quietly, because I was running out of air and he pulled me in for another breath-taking kiss and I clung to him, as if I was afraid he was going to let me go.

I didn't know you could kiss another person so long and still not get used to it. Actually I realized there was quite a lot about kissing I hadn't known before.

I only startled away from him when a sudden knock on the door interrupted us. Esme opened the door only a second after I had quickly moved further away from Edward and he had stuffed the bottle under the cover.

"I brought you some cookies," Esme said, her smile slowly turning into a confused expression. I had thought I was looking fairly normal, I didn't know if it was my ruffled hair, or my flushed cheeks or just the expression on my face that tipped her of that something was going on. "Just thought you might like…" she held out a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a can of juice awkwardly.

"We're not twelve anymore," Edward gave her a frustrated smile and a roll of eyes.

"Right," she said laughing, and put the plate and the can on Edward's desk. "Hope your project's getting on well. I'll leave you two alone now."

"Thanks for the cookies," I cried out after her.

Edward shot me an apologizing glance. "Sometimes she just gets that way, cookies and everything."

"No, I think your mom's really nice," I smiled at him, but only for a second, before realizing what I had said and the smile faded from my face quicker than it had appeared. "I'm sorry, I didn't think-"

"It's okay," Edward interrupted me, but I could see it was not okay. He had a closed, dark expression on his face. The haunted look in his eyes scared me. I didn't understand it.

"Edward," I hesitated for a long while. "What… um, happened to your parents?"

Immediately after I had asked the question I understood it was a mistake. "I'm sorry, of course you don't have to tell me, I –"

"Bella," Edward said his voice quiet, not at all like his usual self. I didn't like it. "Let's not go there, please?"

"Of course," I said.

He didn't say anything, just took the bottle from under his cover and took a long drink. I would have wanted to say something but I didn't know what, so I just stared outside the window.

"Maybe, I should go," I said after a while. "It's getting late already."

"No, you don't have to go," Edward said, and I was relieved to notice that he was back to his usual self. "Esme doesn't mind me having company, she thinks you're a decent girl."

"I think I should go home," I said unsurely.

"Okay then," he said and got up from the bed, "as you wish."

He blocked my way as I was reaching for his door. Now, I did know _that_ expression on his face.

I sighed and stepped back as he got closer. "Edward, what are we doing?"

"What do you mean?" he frowned.

"This thing, between us… I mean, is this really smart? It's not like we could ever…" I stopped because I didn't know what to say anymore.

"Well, I don't know about smart, but don't worry so much," Edward said.

"I don't worry!"

"Yes you do," he said, and I was surprised about the hint of gentleness in his voice. He reached out his hand and stroked my forehead with his fingers. "You've got that anxious look on your face, like you're waiting for some disaster to happen."

I sighed, surprised that he had noticed. It was becoming second nature to me now, worrying about my parents, worrying about everything. And I didn't want to be like that, for God's sake I was only seventeen!

"So the thing is, things will work out, we're just having fun, nothing more than that," Edward said grabbing my waist and pulling me close to him. "And you're fun. You're not like other girls; you're not demanding anything or thinking that one kiss is a confession of my everlasting love or any of the other bullshit."

"Yeah,_ love_," I said, disgusted, and made an exaggerated gagging noise and we both laughed.

"See you at school," Edward said, gave me a soft kiss and let me go.

When I got back home, I was still a bit overwhelmed, and I could smell Edward on me. I immediately sobered when I stepped inside our house, though; mom and dad were obviously fighting in the kitchen.

I sighed and considered just sneaking upstairs without either of them noticing. When I heard something – probably a plate – being smashed into the wall, I realized I might not have any other option than to interrupt them.

I stopped at the kitchen door for a while to estimate the situation. Dad was yelling at mom, who had obviously been crying. And I also found out that it wasn't a plate that had been smashed on the wall, but a bottle, that wasn't even empty, like the kitchen wouldn't have been messy enough already. Not that I minded, if only I wouldn't have been the one who had to clean it. They were speaking so fast it was hard to catch up to what they were actually fighting about.

"Hey, guys?" I asked. "Don't you think it's time to calm down before you wake up the neighbors?"

They both turned to look at me at the exactly same time.

"Where did you come from?" dad snapped.

"I was seeing a friend," I answered. None of your damn business, I felt like adding.

"How dare you interrupt me, I was speaking to your mother," dad raged at me, only it would have been more convincing if he wouldn't have been slurring so badly.

I closed my eyes for a second, hoping that if I didn't see it, it would all just disappear. It didn't work. "If you would just be so kind as to try to keep your voice down," I snapped, "I really can't take this now."

"Don't you tell me what to do," dad yelled. I remembered how when I was little I used to get scared when dad was mad, now I couldn't even remember when I'd crossed the line into not caring anymore.

"Charlie, please, calm down," mom said stepping closer to us.

He didn't seem to even hear her. "I tell you what to do," he was crying out, pointing at me with his finger. "You are my child. You wouldn't even exist without me!"

"Whatever," I said, and turned around to leave, when he grabbed my wrist.

"For fuck's sake, dad, stop acting like a child!" I yelled, trying to struggle away from his grip.

"_Don't you dare yell at me_," dad hissed. He was so close to me I could smell the alcohol in his breath.

"I'll do whatever I want, haven't you realized that yet?" I tried to get away from him again, but he was faster than me.

His hand moved so quick I barely had time to notice his palm hitting my cheek.

I raised my hand to touch my cheek, and stared at dad, who was staring back at me looking as dumbfounded as I felt.

"No Bella, wait," dad said when I had already turned around to leave the room. "I didn't mean to –"

He grabbed my wrist once again, but this time I turned to face him.

"Let go dad," I said, my voice dangerously low. "_Let go_."

He looked at me for a second, silently letting me go.

I walked straight upstairs to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. There was a red mark where dad's palm had hit me. It was hard to believe he had actually hit me, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised though. I felt numb. And so tired.

I went to my room, just threw off my jeans and sweater, and crawled under the covers. I was just about to fall asleep when mom knocked on the door. I knew it was mom because she knocked in a completely different way than dad.

"Yeah?" I said and didn't open my eyes as she stepped inside quietly. After a while she lay beside me on the narrow bed.

It was me who finally broke the silence. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Can you remember a time when dad wasn't drinking?"

"Yes," mom said quietly. "It was nice."

I was silent for a long while. "I guess it was."

I was already half asleep when mom spoke again. "I'm sorry."

xxx

Next day at school, I didn't talk to Alice that much. I was still a little hurt that she was too busy making out with Jasper or something yesterday, that she hadn't had time to listen to me, and anyway I didn't see her almost at all during the day.

I was walking to math class with Emmett after the lunch break when he said something I wasn't prepared for.

"So what's up with you and Edward?"

"_What_?"

"Don't act stupid, Bella," Emmett grinned. "It's not like we haven't all noticed."

"Noticed what actually?" I asked, just playing for time.

"I don't know," Emmett said. "It's kind of weird, you know, there's obviously something between the two of you, but I can't quite get the hang of it."

"Yeah," I said quietly. In fact that was just how I felt.

"And it's weird, because usually you're not interested in guys at all. Actually," Emmett chuckled, "Jasper and I thought that you were gay until you made out with Jacob Black at that party in our freshman year."

"Thanks, Emm," I said rolling my eyes. I didn't want to be reminded of that particular incident.

Emmett grinned at me; it was just the kind of incident he loved bitching to me about because he knew it pissed me off. But then again I guess it was just fair, because I would surely never let him forget what happened at his birthday party last year.

"So anyway, back to Eddie," he said. "Because, if you're messing with him, Jasper and I just thought we should know."

"Oh, is this the kind of speech where you warn me, that if I ever hurt him, I'll have to answer to you?" I grinned.

"Yeah, we wouldn't let anything bad happen to our baby," Emmett said.

"Of course not," I rolled my eyes. "But I was under the impression that Edward was the tough guy, how the hell you think anyone would be able to mess with him, anyway?"

"I don't," he said. "But, quite oddly, I think you could."

"That's bullshit, Emmett," I said before walking inside my classroom. Emmett gave me one last grin before going into the next classroom.

It was hard to keep my eyes open the whole math class, let alone actually concentrate on the teaching, but somehow I managed until the school day was finally over. I was walking through the lobby when Rosalie caught up with me.

"Hi, Bella, what's up?"

I answered her with a small smile. "Nothing much, just heading home."

"So want to hang out for a bit before going home?" she asked.

I gave her a surprised look. I knew we were sort of friends or something now, but I didn't know we were at the hanging out after school level already. I shrugged. "Sure." I didn't have any need to go home just yet anyway.

"Really?" Rosalie asked, looking a bit surprised too.

"Really," I said.

We ended up in one of the only two cafés in Forks, the one where all the teenagers hang out after school. I wasn't used to spending time in places like this, but this time it felt pleasantly normal. I was sipping my coffee and listening to Rosalie chattering about the English test she had surely failed and about the party she was going to throw next weekend because her parents were away.

"So anyway, are you all coming? I don't want it to be anything big, because my parents wouldn't be too happy, if the place was trashed when they come back, but you get the idea."

"Yeah," I said a bit absent-mindedly. "Sounds fun."

"Anyway, is everything all right?" Rosalie asked then.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, you just seem a bit different," Rosalie said.

"Do I?" I thought I looked just normal.

Rosalie looked at me. "You don't have to talk about it."

I gave her a grateful glance.

She sipped from her latte and then turned to look at the door that had just opened. I followed her glance and raised my eyebrows.

Edward, Emmett and Jasper stepped into the café with Jessica and Angela, who were chatting lightly to the boys.

"Well, that's an unusual group," I said to Rosalie and followed with my eyes as they all sat down.

"Yeah, I didn't know Angela and Jessica were even friends with the guys," Rosalie said.

I narrowed my eyes, noticing how Jessica was sitting far too close to Edward. "Looks like she wants to be a little bit more than friends with Edward."

Rosalie frowned at me and I knew she must've seen the expression on my face. "I don't know what's going on between you and him but –"

"How do you know something's going on between us?" I asked.

Rosalie gave me a meaningful look. "Come on, Bella, it's kind of obvious."

"Is it?" I asked.

"He doesn't seem to care about Jess that much," Rosalie nodded towards the table where Edward was sitting. I turned around and saw that Jessica was still talking to him, but Edward was looking over at me and Rosalie. When he saw me looking at him, he gave me a small grin. I couldn't help smiling back at him just a little.

I turned back to Rosalie, but saw that she wasn't paying any attention to me anymore.

"Um, Rose?" I asked. "Why are you staring at Emmett?"

"What?" she turned to look at me quickly.

I gasped dramatically as the realization hit me. "You _like_ him!"

"No, I do not," Rosalie said punching me on the arm.

"Right," I said skeptically. "Then what?"

"Nothing."

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," I said winking at Rosalie. She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out. I sipped from my coffee and pretended I didn't see it.

"I think I have to go now," I sighed after a while.

We picked up our coats and walked to the door. I glanced once again in Edward's direction as we walked past their table.

Edward stood up quickly, when he saw me going.

"Bella," he grabbed my hand when we were just about to step out of the door.

I turned around. "What?"

"I'll wait for you by the car," Rosalie said quickly and went outside.

I looked at Jessica over Edward's shoulder. She did not look happy.

"Your girlfriend there doesn't seem that pleased," I pointed out to Edward.

"You know she's not my girlfriend," Edward said simply.

"She would certainly want to be."

Edward looked at me for a moment, as if he was trying to figure me out. "You're jealous."

I shook my head. "That's stupid. You can do whatever you want."

Edward didn't look completely convinced.

"Believe me, if I was jealous, you would know," I said.

"So want to hang out later today?" Edward asked, changing the subject.

I thought for a while. "No, I'm busy. Maybe tomorrow."

"Maybe," Edward said.

"Now, hurry back to your girlfriend before _she_ gets jealous," I said.

"_Not_ a girlfriend," Edward said in a low voice as he pulled me closer to him. "Do you need me to prove that to you right now?"

I looked at Jessica. She was keeping a close eye on us. "That might be very enjoyable," I said looking at Edward. His expression made it completely clear, in which way he was going to prove it. "But no, I'll save that to later."

I looked at him once more, then stepped back and walked out of the door.

xxx

It was Thursday afternoon already, and I was irritated. Alice wasn't picking up and I seemed to be doomed to spend the rest of the evening alone and bored in my room. I wasn't in the mood for homework or anything else for that matter.

I slowly picked up my cell phone from the bedside table. There was another option also, though.

"Bella?" mom shouted from downstairs.

"What?" I asked.

"Did you go to the supermarket today?" she asked.

"No, why?"

"I was going to cook something, but our fridge is empty," mom said.

I sighed and finally made up my mind and dialed the number.

Edward picked up after two rings. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I was just…" Suddenly, I couldn't think of anything that didn't sound stupid, or pathetic, or like I cared.

"Bored?" Edward suggested.

"Yeah."

"So where do you want me to pick you up?"

I smiled; sometimes it was almost as if he got me.

After I hung up with Edward, I quickly changed from my sweats into a pair of jeans and a clean t-shirt, grabbed my keys and cell and ran downstairs.

"Bella, can you drop by at the market?" mom asked as she saw me.

"No mom, actually I can't," I said and ran out the door.

The air was actually quite warm, even though it was fall already and I only had to wait couple of minutes, before Edward picked me up.

"Hi," I said as I slammed the door shut.

Edward looked at me with a smile. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't care, just drive."

And we did drive. First in just Forks, but soon he pulled off on to the highway. I rolled the window down and leaned out of it.

"Get back inside before you fall out," Edward said.

"No," I yelled and reached out my hand. I was actually feeling great and I wasn't even drunk.

Finally Edward had to drag me back inside and then he had to pull over to the side of the road because I was suddenly kissing him, and he couldn't concentrate on driving anymore.

"This is fun," I whispered as I finally parted my lips from his.

"Yeah," he said and tucked my hair back before placing his lips on mine again.

Kissing Edward would probably never feel old; he was so surprising, so plainly intoxicating and I loved it, the adrenaline rush, the feeling of losing control.

After a while Edward pulled back again, looking me in the eye. I wasn't used to seeing that serious expression in his usually so playful eyes. "So wanna come back to my place, Esme and Carlisle aren't home tonight."

"Yeah," I said.

It didn't take long for us to get back to Edward's house. As soon as we got inside Edward wrapped his arms around me, tightly, which was actually a good thing, because at least it ensured that I stayed upright.

"Bella, why do you have to be so damn irresistible?" he asked before kissing my neck. That actually made me laugh. Edward found me irresistible?

We stumbled into his room and he closed the door behind us, even though we were alone in the house.

Edward's hands were all over me, and I loved it how he made me _feel_. And I didn't care if it was just physical or whatever, because no one ever made me feel that way.

I hadn't even noticed that I was unconsciously pulling Edward's shirt off and throwing it into the corner of his room. Soon after that my shirt was tossed on the floor too. Edward lifted me up, planting kisses to my neck and all the way to my stomach, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Damn, I found it hard to even think, actually.

Edward unhooked my bra and, even though I was aware that I'd never been this far, not with him or with anyone, or that maybe this wasn't smart, I did nothing to stop him. I couldn't. Instead I placed my hands on his chest, pulling closer to him.

"What happened to taking it slow?" Edward asked breathlessly.

"Oh yeah, about that," I was breathing as heavily as he now. "I changed my mind."


	8. I'd take you anywhere you want to go

**A/N: Hey guys! Here's the next chapter, hope you like it and I would really need some reviews if anyone is reading this? :) **

8. I'd take you anywhere you want to go

**Edward's PoV**

Bella looked beautiful naked. Maybe even more beautiful than I'd imagined. She was sleeping on her side, only barely covered with the blanket. She was quite a restless sleeper. Her clothes were tossed on my floor and the sight of it made me grin. She still managed to look really peaceful when she was sleeping, maybe more peaceful than I'd ever saw her before, like nothing worried her. I liked seeing her like that.

Last night was… well unexpected.

I wanted to wrap my arms around her, and pull her close to me again, but I didn't want to wake her. We were late for school already, but I also didn't feel like getting up yet anyway, so I just laid back beside her and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.

I liked having Bella in my bed, more than I'd thought I'd like. Being with her was natural; she wasn't like other girls, demanding or dependent.

She moved slightly and muttered something I couldn't figure out. Her eyelids were moving a little and then she slowly opened her eyes.

And yelped in surprise as she noticed she was sleeping next to me and startled so that she almost fell out of the bed.

I grinned. Watching her was kind of fascinating. For a moment she looked a bit like a scared animal. She tried to even her breath, probably starting to remember last night.

"Morning," I smiled.

"Oh shit!" Bella yelped, wrapping the blanket tightly around her. She closed her eyes for a bit, as if she was expecting all of this to just disappear if she did so, but when she opened her eyes, I was still here.

"What's the clock?" she asked.

"Ten thirty," I answered.

"Shit!" She said again. "We're late for school. And what will Esme say, does she know I'm here, oh shit, I have to –"

"Don't worry about that, she's not here," I said. "They're both at work, calm down."

"Okay," she said, breathing in deeply. "We should get dressed," she added then quietly.

I smiled. She was pretty cute, all shy like this.

"Edward?" Bella asked when I was pulling on my jeans.

"Yes?" I asked, turning around. She looked concerned.

"This is not anything serious, right? Not even now that we've –"

"That we've had sex." I finished her sentence. "Nope," I said, "nothing serious."

She turned to look at me once she'd pulled on her t-shirt. "And Edward?"

"What?"

"I just want you to know, that I don't do this sort of thing with just anyone," she said, blushing. She was cute when she blushed like that.

"I figured that out already," I said. "I don't think you're easy, if that's what you mean."

"Good," she said, "Because I'm not."

It was still weird seeing her like that. Somehow so vulnerable, open. I had the feeling that she was showing me a completely new side of her.

After we got dressed, she stood up and looked at the tangled sheets we had a while ago slept in.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I asked.

Bella shook her head. "We should go to school."

"Let's not go," I suggested.

She smiled at that. "Are you going to get expelled here too?"

"We're not going to get expelled because of one day." I grinned. I really did not feel like going to school. "Think about it, we could go away for a day, just the two of us. I'd take you anywhere you want to go."

"Anywhere?" She looked at me thoughtfully. "That's a lot to promise."

"Try me," I told her.

She shook her head. "No, but you could take me home."

She looked quite confused so I didn't want to push her anymore. I wondered when I had become so nice; guess Forks was really starting to affect me.

Bella didn't say anything on the way back to her house, she seemed to be deep in her thoughts when I glanced at her few times.

"So see you tonight then," I said as I stopped in front of her house.

"What?" She turned to look at me.

"At Rosalie's party, remember?" I reminded her.

"Oh," she said. "Right."

She climbed out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

I reached out for her before she had time to close the door and pulled her close to me, kissing her. "Thanks for _everything_," I corrected with a suggestive look.

She didn't seem to know whether to laugh or not so she just slammed the door close and walked to the front door. I watched her getting inside the house before driving away.

I was still thinking about her as I got home. She was beautiful, she almost never let me see through her defense, but when she did, it was beautiful. Last night was very beautiful and I wasn't just saying that because I was a guy who got some.

And I really did like her, maybe I didn't want anything like a relationship with her, but I did think she was amazing.

Or then again, maybe I was just a guy who got some.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

This morning was quite a lot to take in. I nearly had a heart attack waking up beside Edward. It would have been fine; after all I had woken up next to him before, if not for the fact that I was naked. My thoughts were still tangled when I got home to my own room.

I had no idea how I was able to act so remarkably normal while I was freaking out inside. How the hell that had just happened?

I didn't have any idea, how it had turned into that, because I hadn't had any intentions of sleeping with Edward. Damn, I didn't want to have sex with Edward.

Except that I did.

I threw myself onto my bed and buried my face into one of the pillows. Who would have thought I wasn't able to resist Edward after all? I didn't even know what I was supposed to think, every time I thought about some part of last night, it made me want to shout out loud because it was just that confusing.

I wanted to call Alice but I wasn't sure about that. She had been so distant lately and she was probably at school, like I was supposed to be. I wondered what was going on with her, I hadn't spoke to her a lot lately, maybe she had just figured out her problems with Jasper and they'd had lots of make-up sex or something. I had problems of my own right now to have the energy to think about that. I trusted that Alice told me if she needed me.

I sat up and sighed. I could still smell Edward on my skin, it smelled sweet and dangerous and a little intoxicating.

I took off my clothes and stepped into the shower, closing my eyes, letting the cool water run down my face.

I felt more like myself after I had showered and changed my clothes. I went to the kitchen, took some cereals and sat on the table looking outside the window.

"Bella?" Mom looked at me from the doorway. "Why aren't you at school?"

"I slept in and then I didn't feel like going," I said. It wasn't actually a lie.

"Okay," she said. My parents didn't really care as long as I passed the courses. And I hadn't really figured out whether they cared if I wouldn't pass, since I always passed.

"Do you want anything to eat?" she asked.

I pointed at my cereal bowl. "I'm already eating."

"I meant some real food," she said.

I shook my head.

"Okay, tell me if you need anything," she said before wandering away.

"You," I whispered when she was already gone.

I just basically wandered around the house, trying to do one thing and then deciding to do another, so I didn't get anything done, before it was finally time to get ready for Rosalie's party.

I stood in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear. Usually I didn't bother to care about clothes, but today I didn't have anything fitting. Finally I decided on a simple, black dress, put it on and moved to comb my hair in front of the mirror.

"I had sex with Edward," I whispered to my reflection. She didn't say anything back, but she looked serious.

"And it was great," I added smiling a little.

Then I grabbed my bag and left.

I was early at Rosalie's, since I had really nothing to do today.

"Why weren't you at school today?" Rosalie asked, as she let me in.

"I didn't feel like going."

"Okay," she said, giving me an examining look.

We ate some chicken salad and prepared the punch together before everyone else came. Even though Rosalie was planning a small party, it looked like eventually about the whole Forks was there. Edward came with Emmett and Jasper but I didn't see Alice with them and I decided I'd call her if she didn't show up after a while.

Meanwhile I poured myself a glass of punch and sat on the living room couch. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, there were even few people on the dance floor, even though it was still quite early.

Edward sat next to me. I didn't look at him, I couldn't.

"Hi," I said finally, when the silence became too much to bear.

"Hi," he said, amusement in his voice. Apparently he found my embarrassment funny.

"Don't you ever take anything seriously?" I asked.

"Nah, life's too short to be taken seriously," he said.

I chuckled at that. Admittedly, it was quite a nice ideology. If only it would have worked.

"So wanna dance with me?" Edward asked as the song changed into a slower one.

"No," I said. I didn't even like dancing.

Edward grabbed my chin and gently turned my face towards his. "Do you want me to convince you?"

I tried to shake my head but didn't manage very well, Edward holding my chin. "I'm the kind of guy who's used to getting what he wants," he said, lowering his lips to meet mine.

I quickly pushed him away, while I still could. "Okay, okay," I said, looking around us. "I'll dance with you, people are staring."

Few freshman girls were glancing at us curiously, Edward winked at them and made them blush and turn away quickly.

"Gosh," I muttered, pulling him to the dance floor roughly. "That's blackmailing."

"All is fair in love and war," Edward whispered to my ear, wrapping his hands around me.

"This is neither of them," I pointed out and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Edward kissed my neck softly.

"I thought we were supposed to dance," I said breathlessly.

"We are," he said, kissing me again.

I spent a few moments there, on the dance floor at his arms and then managed to drag myself away from him and went to find something to drink. It was Friday night and I didn't have any intentions of spending it sober. I wanted not to care. About the whole mess with Edward, and about what was going on with Alice. We hadn't really talked in a while, she had been so distant lately, but I didn't want to worry about that now.

And so the party carried on and I kept sipping down my punch until I felt nice and relaxed. I talked a while with Angela and then slipped outside from the back door to get some fresh air. I walked around in Rosalie's back yard. It was dark and you could see the stars clearly. It was beautiful, kind of calming.

I walked further away, rounded a big tree and then stopped suddenly when I saw a couple, tightly tangled around each other. I was about to turn around and quietly walk away when I recognized her.

"Alice!"

She turned her head around and looked slightly panicked when she saw me. I didn't get the weird expression on her face until I noticed the guy she was kissing – and doing quite a lot more than just kissing from the look of it – was totally not Jasper. I must have looked more than slightly shocked when I realized who it was; Mike Newton.

"What the fuck, Alice?" I cried out.

"Look, I can explain – "

"I don't think you can," I said to her. Then I turned to face Mike. "You. Go," I said to him. "I want to talk to Alice."

He looked from me to Alice and back, clearly startled about the situation. "Now!" I ordered him.

After he had gone I turned to look at Alice.

"How long has this been going on?" I asked in a dangerous voice. I had already put the pieces together and figured out why she had been so distant lately. Not because she had sorted out her problems with Jasper, but because she had been too busy creating more.

"I – I don't know, not long, it was only couple of times; it was an accident!"

"No wonder you didn't have time to pick up the phone, when you've obviously been too busy cheating Jasper," I said to Alice coldly.

"Bella, please," she almost whispered. "You don't understand."

I shook my head. "No I don't, actually. I don't understand people who cheat the ones they supposedly love."

"I do love Jasper," she said miserably. "He had just been so distant and I was lonely, and sometimes he made me feel so unsure and then Mike was there, I never meant to –"

She didn't seem to know what to say so she just closed her mouth. "I thought you were smarter than this, Alice," I said. I knew Alice, and particularly Jasper sometimes had their doubts and problems and hard times like, I guess, every couple did, but they also loved each other a lot.

"Are you going to tell him?" Alice asked quietly.

I shook my head. "You're going to do it."

"How could I?" she was clearly fighting back tears, but I didn't know how to comfort her now.

"He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve this," I said.

"I know," Alice whispered.

"I just don't understand how you can be so damn stupid, Alice," I exclaimed. "It's Mike Newton we're talking about."

"For God's sake, Bella, can you for once try not being so judgmental," Alice said as tears filled her eyes. "Besides, you're not that innocent yourself either. I mean, fucking Edward Cullen, how did that happen? I thought you said you don't even like him."

I was so stunned that I didn't even know what to say for a while. "How do you know about that?" I finally asked quietly.

"Jasper told me," Alice said. "I would have thought it would have been you who told me, though."

"It's not like I didn't try to," I cried out. "You were just so busy doing Mike to even notice me. If you think I'm being judgmental, well at least I'm not as damn selfish as you."

I was so mad at her right now. Fine, maybe she was lonely or had a hard time or whatever, but it didn't seem like she cared about Jasper or me or anyone but herself really.

"That's not fair!" Alice yelled at me, tears running down her cheeks. "Don't you see that I'm fucking hurting? You're my best friend; we're supposed to be there for each other!"

"That's just totally your own fault," I yelled back at her. "And some best friend I have, it's not like you've been that interested about me either. You're too busy to listen to my problems, for fuck's sake, you don't even pick up the phone!"

"That's unfair, Bella. You're just so hypocrite, so ready to judge everyone who makes even the smallest mistakes, but you're not perfect either, you're far from it."

Alice turned around and run away. "Cheating your boyfriend doesn't actually count as a small mistake," I shouted after her, but she probably didn't hear anymore.

I hit my fist to the nearby tree so hard that my knuckles got scratches. I was so angry, I was afraid I might start to cry. Alice was being stupid and selfish and mean and not at all like herself. She had no fucking right to call me hypocrite she was the biggest hypocrite here, really; she said she loved Jasper then went on and cheated him, she said she was my best friend and then didn't give a shit about my problems.

I walked back inside, poured myself drink and gulped it down without taking a breath, then filled my glass again.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked taking the glass out of my hand. Where had he suddenly appeared from? I must be quite drunk.

"Nothing," I said trying to get the glass back from him but he held it out of my reach.

"I think you've already drunk enough," he said drinking from it himself. "Now tell me who's pissed you off?"

"I had a fight with Alice," I mumbled, somehow I had the impression that he wouldn't leave me alone before I told him.

"What did you fight about?" Edward asked.

"None of your business," I muttered. "Even if I've slept with you, it's no reason for you to start sticking your nose in my things." I felt angry and miserable and worn out. I didn't want to fight with Alice, I couldn't even remember the last time we'd had an argument. Suddenly I just wanted to go home and sleep.

"Wow, you're really in a bad mood," Edward said, touching my arm.

"I think I'm going to go home," I said. I didn't know how late it was, but it must be well over midnight already and I didn't feel like staying anyway. Of course I couldn't drive, but it wasn't that long walk.

"I'm coming with you," Edward said.

"No, you're not," I said, frowning at him. "I want to be alone," I said a little like a sulking kid.

"Yeah, but I also won't let you go wandering around Forks alone and drunk in the middle of the night."

"I'm just fine," I said impatiently. "It's not like it would be the first time."

"I'm coming," Edward said firmly.

"Whatever," I said and turned my back at him. I didn't have the energy to argue with him too. Surely he could follow me if he wanted to.

We walked side by side under the moonlight, neither of us saying anything. I had a hard time walking straight and once or twice Edward had to grab my arm, so that I wouldn't have stumbled on my own legs or bumped into a tree or something. He was clever enough to keep the snarky comments to himself though.

When we were almost back at my house already I nearly fell face first on the ground and Edward quickly caught me. I turned to look at him to thank him but then I accidentally looked him straight in the eye and he looked me back and for a moment it was almost like we could understand each other's thoughts. Then he grabbed my waist at exactly the same time as I tangled my fingers through his hair and we were pulling closer together. Our lips found each other and I pressed against him in such a force that we both fell into the shrubs at the side of the road.

Neither of us did anything to get back up though; neither of us even showed that we had noticed. Edward just pulled me tighter against him, slipped his other hand under my dress, keeping the other one still on my hips. I crushed my lips against his, letting out a sharp breath as I felt his hands on my body.

He moved his lips to my neck. I loved the way he kissed my neck, I run my hands through his sides, slipping them under his t-shirt. Edward started to open the zipper of my dress and that finally made me realize the situation we were in.

"Edward," I said sharply, barely able to breathe. "We can't! Not here."

"There's no one here," Edward mumbled in my hair.

"Oh come _on_." I struggled to get away from him. "Come to my place."

"But what about your parents?" he asked.

"They're asleep," I said, I had hard time concentrating my thoughts. I just wanted him so bad, I needed him.

"Let's go then, what are we waiting for?" Edward said and quickly pulled me up. I looked at him, his hair and shirt was full of small sticks and leaves and I realized that mine was probably too. I started laughing and he laughed too, but pulled me back the road again.

I started running, still laughing and he followed me, it was like we couldn't get there fast enough.

Finally, after far too long time, we reached my house. I was trying to get the key out of my bag, but Edward was making it impossible, kissing me again, pressing me against the door.

"Wait," I said breathlessly finally pulling the key out of my bag, but then I couldn't fit it in the lock because it was so dark.

"Let me," Edward murmured, taking the key from me. He was still holding my waist and I run my lips through his neck as he finally managed to get the door open.

We stumbled inside and fell on the living room carpet on our way upstairs. I muffled my giggles against Edward's chest.

"Not here," I managed to whisper and somehow we pulled ourselves back up again. And managed to climb up the stairs, while Edward was opening my dress and I was pulling his t-shirt over his head. We stopped after few particularly loud thumps to make sure that my parents hadn't woken up and finally made it to my room. Edward tossed my dress on the corner and I threw his shirt over my shoulder. He lifted me up in his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to the bed.

"You have to be quiet," I whispered in his ear as I opened his belt

"No, _you_ have to be quiet," he answered while reaching for my knickers.

I laughed softly and pulled him once again closer to me, as everything else disappeared. I was concentrating on him and only him, I didn't need to remember anything else, I couldn't even think about anything else and right now he was all I longed for.

xxx

Monday at school was weird. Mostly because Alice and I weren't speaking. That had never happened before, we had surely had our arguments, but we had always made up right away. I was mad at her, I didn't understand how she could have done something like that and I was hurt over what she had said to me, but I also missed her. A Lot. There was a lot happening in my life too, I would have wanted to talk with her about Edward and all. I wanted to confess to her how I had so hard time resisting Edward, how I didn't want to want him but I did and how everything was a bit of a mess really.

But instead I spent the lunch break with Rosalie and didn't look at Alice as she passed me by to go sit with the guys.

I bumped into Jasper on my way to the math class. I had already been afraid of it.

"Hey, Bella," he said stopping me as I was walking by.

"Hi," I said flashing him a careless smile.

"What's up with you and Alice?" he asked.

"Why you're asking me?" I asked a little surprised. I thought he would have asked Alice.

"Alice is being distant and weird," Jasper said. "And worried. Whatever it is, you two should make up, she seems really… different. And I don't want to see her unhappy."

I couldn't look Jasper in the eye. He was my friend too, and it wasn't fair for him, to worry over Alice, when Alice was…

"It'll be okay," I just said to him in a miserable tone. I was lying to him too, I couldn't know, but I guessed it would most likely not be okay. So Alice hadn't told Jasper yet, but she would eventually. I knew Alice well enough to know that she would, the question was just if she would before Jasper found out in some other way. After all things like these didn't usually stay secret for long. Just for Alice and Jasper's sake I hoped she would be the one to tell him herself.

"If there's something wrong with Alice, you'll tell me, right?" Jasper asked me.

I nodded. "Sure, but I won't tell you things about her that aren't mine to tell."

Jasper gave me one last long glance before nodding and walking away. I felt awful, whatever happened someone would get hurt, most likely everyone. Alice had hurt me and most of all she had hurt Jasper, and when Jasper would find out it would hurt her too, a lot.

I just couldn't understand it. They loved each other, they weren't supposed to hurt each other or push each other away. Love was useless, if it didn't even prevent these awful things from happening.

I didn't feel like going to the math class at all anymore. I turned around, walked to my car and drove to Victoria's place, hoping she was home.

She opened the door almost immediately when I rung the doorbell.

"Bella? Aren't you supposed to be at school?" she said letting me in.

"I didn't want to be there anymore," I sighed.

"You can't just skip classes whenever you don't feel like going," Victoria said, not really blaming, just letting me know that I shouldn't do it. That's what I liked about her, she didn't judge me. "What's wrong?" she asked after seeing my expression.

"Nothing really," I said sitting down at the kitchen table. "I was just… we had a fight with Alice."

"What happened?" Victoria asked.

"It's hard to explain, she just did something… wrong."

Victoria sat opposite to me. "Something wrong to you?"

"No, not to me exactly," I shook my head. "But she shouldn't have done it and now everyone gets hurt. It's not fair. She's a good person."

"Good people make wrong decision all the time," Victoria said, looking at me in the eye. "Maybe you should try to help her?"

But how could I? She was the only person who could help her, and there was easy ways to do that, after all, just stop cheating.

"I can't," I said leaning my head against the table. But I should, I thought, I was her friend, I should help her. Even though I wasn't quite sure if we were friends right now.


	9. Should have known

**A/N: Thanks so much ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN for reviewing!**  
><strong>Hope you like this chap and please leave a review :)<strong>

9. Should have known

**Bella's PoV**

The week was only beginning but I knew it was going to be a bad one. Fighting with Alice made me feel miserable, insecure. I was walking restlessly around my room trying to find something to do. I finally decided on math homework, but I couldn't solve any of the exercises so I ended up throwing the book on the floor.

I realized I needed to get out of the house, grabbed my keys and left. I was going to go to the abandoned house but had only walked for a couple of minutes, when my phone rang. For a few seconds my heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be Alice, but then I saw that it was Edward.

"Hi," I answered.

"Where are you?" Edward asked.

"Just outside my house," I said.

"Come to Emmett's place," he suggested. "We're having a party. Or actually we didn't plan to have a party but it kind of turned out to be one."

I laughed. That was so typical of them."I don't know."

"Oh come on, I'm bored," Edward said. Quite frankly, I was too.

"Okay," I said finally. "Maybe I'll pop in."

"Good, see you soon," he said and hung up before I had the time to answer. I changed my direction and headed for Emmett's house.

When I stepped inside his living room I almost bumped into Edward, who was just getting out of it.

"Bella," he said and grabbed my wrist as he saw me. "I was waiting for you."

"Really?" I said as he pulled me outside the living room to the hallway and gently pressed me against the wall. "Why?" I tried to swallow but my throat was dry and my heart was beating so loud I was sure he could hear it, his lips just a breath away from mine.

"Because," he said and kissed me. Not gently or hesitating this time, but crushing his lips against mine, hot and demanding.

"So you lured me here just because you wanted to seduce me into bed with you?" I asked almost laughing, when he finally leaned away.

"Yeah," he grinned.

"Not because you actually wanted to see me."

"No," he said. "I lured you here because I wanted to seduce you into bed with me _and_ I wanted to see you. Besides, I don't think you need much seducing."

"Great, so you think I'm easy?" I said, but not really offended anyway.

"I don't think you're easy," he said, and something about his voice made me believe he meant it. When I didn't say anything he kissed me again.

I let myself drown at him for a moment, at his sweet touch that made me shiver as he run his fingers up my arms and through my neck.

After a moment I hesitantly pulled away. "Come on, I'm not drunk enough yet," I said pulling him inside the living room.

"Hey!" Edward said wrapping his arms around my waist. "As if you wouldn't want me just as much when you're sober."

I just laughed at him and grabbed the glass he was holding out for me. And I realized something rather odd, I was feeling okay. This whole week had been pretty much awful but still I was able to laugh and kiss Edward and it made everything okay for a while. Not permanently or fully, but for a moment I wasn't worrying about Alice and this whole mess, but I was actually having good time. Just having good time, guess that's what this was all about.

Because Edward and I – we were very temporary. There wasn't even any "we" and that was the good thing about us. Because _we_ was scary, it was like giving part of your control to someone else, someone who you had no guarantee wouldn't hurt you or abandon you or betray you. But Edward wasn't demanding anything from me and I from him, that's what made it temporary, that's what made it so good.

I spent almost the whole night with Edward. I hadn't actually planned that, I wasn't even going to be there for late, but we were just laughing and dancing and as Edward's bottle got emptier we started laughing about stupider stuff. Once I saw Alice pass us by and noticed she was careful not to look at my direction, and for a while it made me almost want to cry, but then Edward pulled me in for another kiss and made me forget.

Only around midnight, I pulled Edward off the dance floor again.

"I think I should go," I yelled at him over the music. "It's school tomorrow."

"Come to my place," Edward answered. "I'll let you sleep, at least part of the night."

I laughed softly. "I don't know."

Immediately after I had said those words Edward had swept me tightly in his arms again. "Do you want me to persuade you more," he mumbled in my ear. "Because you know it's not a problem."

I thought for a while. Except that I wasn't really thinking, I was just waiting for a while so that Edward thought I was thinking. "Fine, fine, I'll come with you."

Esme and Carlisle were already asleep so Edward didn't even have to sneak me in. I closed his door softly and then turned to look at him. He was standing by the window, looking beautiful as the moonlight hit him.

"It's full moon," I whispered to him.

"Yeah, the werewolves are out," he joked. "Are you afraid?"

I shook my head. "Takes more than couple of werewolves to get me scared," I smiled.

"You look hot in the moonlight," Edward said walking close to me again.

I laughed. "Well that was a fast change of subject."

"Maybe that's because I don't want to talk anymore," Edward said.

I closed the small space still between us and let our bodies intertwine once again and let myself be filled with Edward, his smell, his touch,_ him_.

xxx

The next day at school wasn't that much fun then. I thought I wouldn't get a hangover since I hadn't slept almost at all, but guess it didn't work that way.

So here I was, sitting at the back of the Spanish class, my head felt like it was exploding and I had difficulties to understand even if someone was speaking me English, let alone Spanish.

Alice usually sat beside me in Spanish, but I was glad I didn't have to face her today. Either she was really making an effort avoiding me, or she was hungover too.

Anyway I was relieved I didn't have to deal with her too. But I had to admit I was worried. Alice and I hadn't been not speaking to each other ever before and mostly my anger was just turning into worry about if she was alright. Because obviously she wasn't, because if she was she wouldn't be doing this.

And despite everything, Alice was one of my most important people. It didn't justify her treating Jasper and me the way she had though, I reminded myself. So Alice should be the one apologizing first.

I awakened from my thoughts only when the class ended. I gathered my things quickly and left the classroom.

"Hey Bella?" Rosalie stopped me on my way to the lobby. "Gosh you look awful. Had fun last night then?"

"Thanks," I said dryly. "I guess you could put it that way."

"By the way, what's up with Alice and you?" Rosalie asked.

"Nothing. We're just having an argument, that's all," I sighed.

"Seems like quite a bad argument, I thought you were best friends," Rosalie frowned. "Look, you don't have to explain to me, but if you just want someone to talk about it… Talking's supposed to help."

I thought for a moment. Quite oddly, I did feel like I wanted someone to talk to about all this. Finally I sighed. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Of course I won't."

I kind of knew I shouldn't be telling this to anyone, it was kind of like spreading Alice's secrets. But on the other hand, Alice never actually told this to me confidently, and besides I desperately needed someone to talk to. And somehow I trusted Rose, when she said she wasn't going to tell anyone I knew she wasn't.

"Alice is cheating Jasper," I said finally, after making sure that no one was listening nearby. Even though I had convinced myself it wasn't betraying Alice to tell Rosalie this, I felt somehow bad.

"No way!" Rosalie gasped. "With who?"

"Mike Newton," I said. "I found out about them at your party and that's what we were fighting about. I don't know what to do. I'm so worried about her, I mean of course I'm mad at her, but mostly I'm just worried."

"Haven't you tried to tell this to her?" Rosalie asked.

I shook my head. "How could I? We're not speaking, remember?"

"Maybe you should be," she said. "Look, I really want to help you, I do, but you need to talk to her. That's the only way to make up with her and make sure she's alright."

I was silent for a while. "I guess you're right. But I don't know – it's just so weird, suddenly she's doing this crazy shit and I feel like I don't even know her right now."

"It's hard," Rosalie said thoughtfully. "Relationships are always hard."

"But why is she cheating him? She's supposed to love him!" I asked. I may not understand much about love, but I thought I did understand the basics.

"It's not that simple," Rosalie smiled a little sadly.

After the break Rosalie squeezed my hand before we headed into different directions. "Just talk to her, okay? Things will work out."

"I'll try," I said and went to my next period. And I guess she was right. Things would work out eventually; it was a different thing how, though.

I did feel better after talking to someone. I didn't see Alice for the rest of the day and was actually glad about it. I knew I was going to have to face her eventually, but better later when I was prepared for that.

However the next day I found out that it was already kind of too late. The whole school seemed to be bustling over a new, hot piece of gossip. It was finally Angela who told me.

"I thought you would know already," she said leaning against her locker after the first period. "But guess not, with you two fighting and all." She leaned closer to me, and lowered her voice. "Apparently, Alice is shagging Mike, yes Mike Newton."

I stared at her my mouth hanging wide open. She thought that I was speechless because of the hot gossip, but all I could think was _this is not happening_.

"How do you know?" I asked finally.

She shrugged. "I don't know, everyone's talking about it. Poor Jasper, whoever thought sweet, cheerful Alice could be such a bitch."

"She's not a bitch," I said automatically.

"Well, that's not exactly a nice thing to do to your boyfriend," Angela said, "anyway, I'm going to be late for English, see you."

After she was gone I closed my eyes and leaned against the lockers. Because the truth was, Alice wasn't the bitch here, I was. I knew I shouldn't have told Rosalie, I shouldn't have told anyone. And now apparently the whole school was gossiping about Alice's affair. I could only wonder how things had gone so profoundly shitty in such a short time.

"What am I going to do now?" I whispered to myself. Okay, Alice had screwed up. But I had screwed up too.

I stood up and was walking to the second floor, when I bumped into Mike.

I almost walked away, not wanting to deal with him right now but after all it was about a time already, I thought.

"Hey," I said stopping him and glaring at his eyes angrily. He seemed a bit startled; I bet he wasn't expecting me. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Yeah?" Mike said.

I was quiet for a moment, trying to control my emotions. "You're a dickhead. And a fucking selfish jerk. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Mike seemed uneasy. Well, he should have. "Bella, why can't you just stay out of it? It's not really any of your business."

"The hell it is. You think you can just screw around with my best friend, who _happens to have a boyfriend_, and it won't be any of my business?"

"I think you're overreacting," Mike said trying his most charming smile. It was so not working.

"I think you're an asshole," I said. I couldn't believe I thought he was funny and even nice before.

"I'm sorry if you think so, but it's not my fault if you're jealous now that I'm no longer interested in you –"

"Oh, come on," I cried out, I couldn't believe he actually had the guts to use that excuse. "I never cared whether you were interested or not and you know that. You can't make this right, not even if you tried so all you can do right now is piss off of our lives; so please do that. Fuck you," I said and walked away before he had time to react.

I knew I was terribly late from the class by now and I hadn't even done my homework, so I should really be hurrying, but I couldn't help staying there with only few moments longer before finally going to the next class to endure yet another period of whispered gossiping.

At the lunch break, when I was going to the cafeteria Alice walked past me. First she just gave me a cold glare and walked past me, but just when I had already sighed in relief she turned back around as if deciding she did want to say something to me after all.

"I wouldn't think you'd sink that low, you know," she said to me. "To spread rumors about me. Whatever happened to keeping your best friends secrets?"

"Alice, I didn't – "

"You can just as well stop pretending now." She laughed bitterly. "You were the only one who knew. I know you were mad at me, but to tell everyone… it must be the jealousy speaking, don't you think? I mean we both knew you must be jealous of me, since you'd never get a guy and I seem to be getting many."

"That's bullshit and you know it," I said. I understood that she must be hurt, but that was ridiculous.

"But I do understand getting anyone to like you might be a bit hard" she snorted. "Being the lying, pathetic bitch you are."

I was speechless to that. I just stared at Alice and her eyes that were usually warm and smiling at me, but now only displayed coldness, even hatred.

Then she turned around and walked away.

I turned around too, and walked away from the cafeteria again, I wasn't hungry anymore. But it turned out to be a mistake too, since I almost bumped into Rosalie on my way out.

Oh no, not her too, I thought turning around immediately.

"Bella, wait," she called after me.

"What?" I asked my face emotionless.

"I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't me," she said, sounding sincere. "I would never tell a secret that wasn't mine to tell. Someone must've heard us talking."

"Right," I said, trying to walk away again, but she grabbed my arm.

"You believe me, don't you?" She sounded almost desperate. "Why would I ever tell anyone?"

"Don't mean to be rude, but I really do have bigger problems right now," I said. Quite oddly, I didn't even much care if she'd slipped the secret or not, the significant part was that now, however, everyone knew. "My best friend practically hates me; I don't really bother to care."

I jerked myself away from Rosalie and walked away. I was just going to go outside to get some fresh air, but then I realized I just kept walking. I hadn't meant to do that, but somehow I couldn't tell my feet to stop, they just walked to my car, and then I hopped inside of it and drove right back home.

It felt like suddenly everything in my life was happening too fast. Edward and Alice and this whole mess. And I didn't like it; it wasn't as if I wouldn't have had enough to deal with anyway. I got a reminder of that when I got back home and found mom on the couch staring at the TV that wasn't even on.

"What's up?" I asked as I stepped inside the living room, since she looked kind of weird.

"I was just thinking about Charlie," she sighed.

"You two been fighting again?" I asked. I was honestly starting to get sick of this.

"Not particularly," she shrugged. "I was just wondering… When did he stop loving me?"

"What?" I frowned. "Why are you asking that? You two are married, of course he loves you."

Mom shook her head and was really starting to scare me. "I don't think he does, really."

"What then, you think he stopped loving me, too?" I asked.

Mom finally lifted her eyes up to look at me in the eye. "I don't know."

"I think you're just having a bad phase, that's all," I said. "That's why you're saying these things."

Mom shrugged again. "Dad does love me," I said sounding like a whining little girl but I didn't care. "He loves you too." Maybe, I felt like adding.

"I'm sorry we're being such bad parents," mom said.

I felt so exhausted, tired of all this. "It doesn't matter," I said to mom quickly and went upstairs to my room.

Love, I thought bitterly, sitting by my desk, it was off to no use. The thing supposedly called love could only hurt you, I had all the proof I needed about that in my own life. And what about all that crap about eternal love? I think love wasn't even made to last, if it was, it wouldn't be hurting everyone.

I knew what I shouldn't have done though; went to that party Angela's big brother was throwing tonight. So that was exactly what I was going to do. I should have stayed home, get through the enormous pile of homework I hadn't bothered to do before and figure out how to make up with Alice.

But the truth was; I didn't want to do that. I wanted to go to that party and get my blood full of alcohol and then maybe afterwards have passionate sex with Edward. It had proven to be an amazing medicine to forget everything you didn't want to remember, which was about everything. And that was a better plan, because that way I wouldn't have to think about anything complicated and painful and frustrating for at least a while.

xxx

**Edward's PoV**

This afternoon was turning into quite a mess, I thought as I rung Jasper's doorbell. We were supposed to meet up in his place before going to that party. Emmett looked at me and we exchanged a look in perfect understanding. We didn't know if Jasper knew about the rumors yet, but if he didn't – well obviously we would have to be the one to tell him.

Jasper opened the door after a while and let us in; we walked up to his room in silence.

"Hi," Emmett said finally. I looked at him and almost bursted into laughter because of the uneasiness of the situation. But that would have been on inappropriate.

"We were just wondering –" I started at the same time as Emmett said, "Have you heard –"

Jasper looked at us, slightly amused. "Yes, guys, I have heard about the rumors."

"Oh good," Emmett said relieved. "Or not good, but you know, better to hear it sooner than later right?"

Jasper shrugged and sat at the edge of his bed. I exchanged slightly panicked looks with Emmett. Neither of us had really ever been in a real committed relationship, so we didn't know what to say to Jasper anyway.

"Do you really think she's cheating you?" I asked finally. "I mean, it could be just rumors."

Jasper was quiet for a while. "I don't know," he said then. "Maybe."

"But that's crazy. Why would she do that?" Emmett asked, sitting next to Jasper, looking confused. "I mean this is Alice we're talking about."

"People do all sorts of crazy shit all the time," Jasper said and really started to freak me out. He didn't even seem really angry or sad or anything, more like completely emotionless, numb. And that was really scary, because usually Jasper was the one out of us three that didn't have any problems showing his emotions.

"Have you talked to her?" I asked.

Jasper shook his head.

"But why not? That's easy, just pick up the phone and ask her," I said. It sounded so simple. Why hadn't he already done it?

"I don't want to talk to her right now," he said.

"Why not? It's the easiest way to find out – "

"Because I don't want to hear the fucking answer!" Jasper shouted, finally looking at me. I startled, since he almost never cursed or shouted and now he'd done both in one sentence.

"Oh," I said and silently handed him a small bottle from the pocket of my hoodie.

I glanced at Emmett for some support; we were both really bad at this emotion shit.

"Anyway, can we talk about something else now?" Jasper said, handing the bottle back to me.

"Of course," Emmett and I said at the same time. We looked at each other again, trying desperately to find something else to talk about. "So, fun party tonight, right?" Emmett said finally.

Jasper looked from him to me and back. "You guys are pathetic," he laughed then and soon Emmett and I joined him, laughing so hard we fell onto the floor, even though none of us really knew what we were laughing about.

I looked at Jasper and he looked back at me and I knew he realized in my eyes, what I wasn't saying out loud. No matter what happened with Alice, Emmett and I got his back; we always got his back.

After that we tried our best to lift Jasper's mood and left to the party quite soon, me and Emmett equipping ourselves with any booze we could find, in case it would turn ugly, if and when Jasper would bump into Alice.

It seemed like half of Forks was there. It was early so there were probably going to be even more people later on. The three of us sat in one corner and we just kind of kept to ourselves. Jessica came to talk to me for a while, but I started to find her already quite irritating. First when I met her I thought that she might be fun, but soon she'd turned to be mostly annoying, and didn't really seem to get the message that I wasn't interested. Back in Phoenix I didn't used to mind girls who didn't seem to take the hint, but then again, the person I was in Phoenix seemed like quite a distant concept. I mean in a way I was still the same person but still kind of – different. I could almost say happier. Back in Phoenix I used to pull out all sorts of crazy shit just out of boredom, whereas here, against all odds, I didn't feel that way. At least not right now.

I spotted Bella from the other side of the room soon after I had finally got rid of Jessica. I told the guys I'd be back and walked to her direction.

She was talking to Rosalie, seemingly relaxed, but I could tell from her eyes, she was actually really worried. Well, taken everything that had happened recently, it was no wonder.

"Hi," I said to them. Bella turned to at my direction and gave me a small smile. "Can I borrow Bella for a sec?" I asked Rosalie.

She gave Bella a meaningful smile, before turning to face me. "Sure, she's all yours."

"I know she is," I said as Rosalie walked further.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Nothing, just wanted to see you for a bit," I said, wrapping my arms around Bella's waist. Well, to be honest, I did want a little more than just see her.

I didn't give her time to respond, instead I just pressed my lips against hers for a while.

"Edward," she said finally, pulling her face away from mine. "People are staring."

"I don't care," I said, kissing her neck. I knew she loved it when I kissed her neck. "And you shouldn't either. What do we care if people talk?"

"I just don't want them to talk, when there's nothing to talk about," she groaned but still gave me one more kiss. I pressed her body against mine in a sort of hug for a while.

"And hey, don't worry too much about the whole Alice mess," I told her. "It will all sort out in time."

"Will it?" Bella asked doubtfully, looking at something behind my back. I turned quickly, just to see Jasper and Mike talking in the kitchen's doorway. It didn't seem exactly friendly.

"Shit, gotta go," I said but couldn't resist pulling her in for another quick kiss. "I'll find you later," I said before letting go.

"Emm," I said firmly, pulling him with me from a corner where he was talking with Rosalie. Except that they were so close to each other that if I'd let it go on for a bit longer, they had been doing a bit more than just talking. "I'll return him to you as soon as I can," I told to Rosalie.

"What?" Emmett asked and I realized he was quite wasted already. I nodded towards where Jasper was now tensing his fist so hard his knuckles where white.

"Uh oh," Emmett said now finally looking concerned.

"Just need you for the backup in case things get ugly," I said.

And that was exactly when things got ugly in the form of Jasper hitting his fist quite directly onto Mike's nose.

"Good punch," Emmett said before we run to separate Jasper from Mike, who was clearly losing the fight. While I thought he only got what he deserved, we still pulled Jasper away from him, and hold him so that he wouldn't have ran after Mike.

"Son of a bitch, let me go, I'll show him – " Jasper shouted after him.

"That's enough, Jazz," Emmett said.

"You won't have an unbroken bone in your whole body after I'm done with you, you fucking –"

"Enough," I said more firmly. "Let it go, Jasper, you can't do a thing about that now."

It took a long while to finally get Jasper calmed down. We asked if he wanted us to take him home, but he said he'd rather stay, talking something about it looking weak if he would go now. So we just basically got his veins so full of alcohol, he forgot about Mike and everything.

"Great," Emmett said looking happily at Jasper who was swaying a little and seemed pretty normal again. "We're awesome, aren't we?"

"You're fucking drunk too," I shook my head.

"You too," Emmett said pointing at me. We stared at each other laughing mindlessly.

"What are you guys laughing about?" Jasper sighed.

"Nothing," Emmett said and poured more booze down Jasper's throat, so that he almost choked in it.

"Carefully," I said taking the bottle from Emmett and drinking downs some more. I think I deserved it; this had really been a tough night.

"You know, I'm going to go find Bella now," I said and stood up a little too quickly, since I realized I had a hard time keeping my balance. "Edward, concentrate," I muttered to myself before walking away.

Finding Bella proved to be a harder thing than I'd thought before. The whole house – I didn't even actually know whose house it was – was stuffed with people and it took a while to even get from one room to another.

I finally found her, after searching almost the entire house.

"Bella, come dance with me," I whispered to her ear.

"You know I don't like dancing," she said, smiling anyway. She was a bit tipsy herself too, I could see.

"Me neither, but I quite enjoy dancing with you," I said, pulling her away with me.

Once back in the dance floor I pulled her close to me and kissed her again, this time not so softly.

She didn't object, but it was finally Emmett who interrupted us, bumping into us so that all three of us almost fell on the floor.

"Whoa," Emmett said, trying to steady himself. "Looks like you don't need any bets at all; you seem to be getting on just fine with her anyway."

It took from me and Bella exactly as much time to realize what he had said.

"What did you just say?" Bella's expression seemed to finally hint Emmett that he had screwed up.

"Nothing, nothing," he said a little too quickly. "It's just this bet that we had, it was fun really, no big deal. We're guys, you know, we never take anything seriously, no need to freak out just because Edward once betted about getting – "

"Emmett," I almost shouted. "Would you mind shutting the fuck up right now?"

"Oh. Shit. Sorry," he mouthed at me.

"Edward?" Bella asked a dangerous edge in her voice. "What bet?"

"It's no big deal," I said quickly. "I already quit the bet a long time ago, before we–"

"_What bet_?"

I realized there was no point lying to her at this point. "Well, Emmett just thought, right after I had moved here, that it would be fun to bet about me getting to – "

My voice faded away, and I tried to gulp, my throat feeling dry.

"What?" Bella asked impatiently.

"Getting to your pants, basically, but it was just a joke–"

Bella's expression made me finally shut up, I'd never seen her look like that before. It made me realize I had fucked up big time.

"Should have known," she whispered and then she was gone, before I had time to say anything more. Out of my reach.

**A/N: So, reviews, anyone? *irresistable puppy eyes***


	10. I don't want you in my life

**A/N: Thanks again so much ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN and also thanks to those who have added this to your favorite or alert lists! Some reviews would be really nice, guys.. :)**

**Personally I like this chap, so hope you like it too! **

10. I don't want you in my life

**Bella's PoV**

Somehow everything had changed. In a way that was so terrifying I could have easily stayed here, in bed, forever. And it was so unfair, because I hadn't asked for any of this. I wasn't the one who'd screwed up. Much.

Except that I had. And I wasn't even talking about the whole Alice thing right now.

_Edward_.

During the past few weeks I had opened up to him more than I ever thought to, more than I even realized. When I knew I shouldn't have. So that was my mistake number one. I never meant to actually let this _mean_ something.

I knew I should've been at school by now, but somehow I was still lying on my bed with only my panties and a t-shirt on, having the worst hangover and feeling more than slightly awful.

I decided to just give myself few more minutes. Maybe five, or even ten. Then I would get up, I swore to myself.

But it hurt. It shouldn't have, by the rules that I had set to us, to not let it actually be anything, to not get any more emotions involved. So that when he would hurt me, it wouldn't actually _hurt_. But it did.

He wasn't anything I couldn't live without but I did miss his fingers on my skin.

I got up and pulled on the first jeans I got my hands on. I didn't even bother brushing my hair or putting on makeup. What was the point? My best friend hated me; the guy I had sex with was only with me because of a bet. No makeup would make me a better person at this state.

I did brush my teeth though, I wasn't that far gone.

I sat by the kitchen table, too tired to eat my cereals. It turned out this whole drinking at school nights wasn't the best idea.

I had somehow got halfway through the bowl, when dad stepped inside the kitchen and sat opposite to me.

He looked tired and pale and just as hungover as I. Well wasn't this a happy family breakfast, father and daughter both just a hungover messed up shit.

I realized this was maybe the first time in a long while I'd seen him sober and I couldn't even make up anything to say. I tapped my fingers against the table. Dad poured himself a cup of coffee that was probably left from yesterday.

I grabbed my bag and was out of the door.

It was raining outside. I didn't mind the rain though, it was a part of Forks, and besides, I though rain was nice, calming.

When I got to the lobby, Rosalie run to me, looking concerned.

"Hi, Bella," she said trying to even her breath. "Have you heard the rumors?"

I looked at Rose like she had lost it. "Of course I've heard the rumors, we talked about it yesterday!"

Rosalie looked pained. "Not that rumor."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, concerned.

"The gossip about you, Bella," she said, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.

I felt nauseated. I really didn't want to, but I forced myself to ask, "What gossip?"

"Well, it's just about you, um… Edward screwing you."

I sighed in relief. That didn't sound so bad, of course I didn't want people talking about that, especially not now, but it wasn't that unlikely, that someone would have found out.

"Because of a bet," Rosalie ended the sentence, watching my expression carefully.

"Oh God," I said, I felt like fainting, and had to lean against the wall as the realization hit me. _Everyone_ knew. Everyone knew that Edward and Emmett had a bet about getting to my bed and that I was actually stupid enough to fall for it. I felt so dull, humiliated. I remembered when I first met him, I knew he didn't really give a shit about anyone else than himself. But then I had been stupid enough to forget that for a moment. And now everyone knew.

"It's not hard to guess who did that," I said in a flat voice.

"Who?" Rosalie asked.

I arched and eyebrow at her. "Well how many people do we know, who hate me and think that I spread nasty rumors about them and might possibly want to get back to me?"

"Oh," Rosalie just said. This seemed so surreal. That in a few days we'd gone from being best friends to basically being enemies. I couldn't believe that Alice would hurt me like that. I couldn't believe that I had actually lost her.

"Why is it that everything just goes shit?" I asked and left for my class.

The rest of the day didn't go any better. It was almost like everywhere I went there was someone whispering or giving me curious looks, and not just the juniors, it seemed like the whole school knew what was going on. With the latest drama with Alice and now the whole Edward thing, I was basically Forks High's hottest gossip. And not in a good way.

It took all my self-control, to not just walk away. At the lunch break I walked past Jessica, who smiled me widely. I bet she was happy, maybe she thought now she had a change at Edward. Fine, I wanted to say to her, you can have him, you'd make a perfect couple. Oh, except that Edward only needs girls for shagging and winning bets.

I was prepared to avoid Edward, since it seemed likely he would want to talk to me, after trying to call me for like half a dozen times already. After that I had just turned off my cell.

I did see him trying to reach me in a hallway but I just turned around and went outside before he could catch me.

I sat at the bench at the back of the school building.

Life was crap.

And it was Edward's fault for walking straight into it and ruining everything. Without him any of this wouldn't be happening, without him, I wouldn't have been too distracted to help Alice before things got out of control.

And I never thought he'd have the power to affect my emotions. I never wanted to give away that power but maybe I had, just a little. Because why else it would hurt so fucking much? Why else the thought of his lips on mine was so painful, but I still couldn't stop thinking about it?

xxx

I was relieved when the week was finally over. It surely felt like a long one. At Friday night Rosalie and I were going to a party at Eric Yorkie's place. Of course pretty much the whole Forks was coming, and that was exactly what I didn't want, to deal with those people, but then again, I didn't want to face the whole night alone at home either. So my plan was to hide in some distant corner with Rosalie and get drunk.

When we got there it was already quite late. Rosalie went to meet some of her friends and I sat at the kitchen table just as Jasper walked in.

He gave me a little smile and a nod. "Hi."

"I'm really sorry about what happened," I said to him quietly. Jasper looked sad, I realized his plan for tonight was probably pretty similar to mine; to hole up in some corner and get wasted.

He shrugged. "Nothing to do about it now."

"I didn't spread the rumors about them," I pointed out, even thought I didn't really think Jasper cared that much who did it.

He just nodded.

"Have you talked with her?"

Jasper laughed bitterly. "Have you?"

I sighed.

"Talking won't help anymore," he said when I didn't answer. He tapped his fingers against the table restlessly for a while before raising his eyes to look at mine. "About Edward, I know what you think, but he's not –"

"Please, Jasper," I stopped him. "I know you are good friends, but honestly, whatever you were saying, I don't want to hear it. Like you said, talking won't help anything."

"You should at least hear his side of the story," Jasper said.

"Have you heard Alice's?" I asked and left.

I couldn't find Rosalie anywhere in the living room, so I just settled in downing a few drinks as fast as I could. I was just going to get another one, when I turned around just to realize, that I was facing Alice, who was suddenly standing there, only a few meters away from me.

I was considering just walking away, but suddenly I couldn't.

"You know, I didn't really think you could be that cruel," I said. My voice as cold as I could manage. "Or so selfish. It's the best way to end up alone, you know, hurting everyone in your life."

"You sure know what you're talking about," Alice laughed bitterly, stepping forward, even thought I could see she didn't think this was funny at all.

"Yeah right, well I'm not the one who fucks around and spreads rumors and just screws everything up." I only barely noticed that I was almost yelling and we were getting quite a lot of attention by now.

"Right, just keep playing innocent like you always do, it won't fool anyone now," Alice was yelling now too. "Don't think this is all my fault. You messed up too. You're just too proud to ever admit when you're wrong."

"Shut the fuck up Alice when you don't know a shit about anything!"

"Oh yeah? And you do? You ruined everything Bella, just everything," Alice screamed. "You think you can judge me about cheating Jasper, but you betrayed me too. What happened to always sticking by each other's side? Turns out the first time I really need you, you just fuck everything up."

"I already told you I didn't spread the stupid gossip," I answered to her. "If you really knew me, you'd known that! What happened to trust? Maybe you can't trust anyone, because anyone shouldn't trust you."

I knew I was saying these awful things only because I was so mad, but I didn't care. She'd hurt me. Worse yet, she'd done so intentionally.

"Turns out I don't know you at all then, don't you think?" Alice said, looking contemptuous. "Can't believe I spent all this time calling you my friend, not really seeing what a bitch you are."

"Oh yeah? Big words from you, you cheating, lying whore," I said. I was already going to turn around to march away when she spoke again.

"No wonder your parents went nuts racing someone like you."

Her words were like ice against my skin. Just when I though she couldn't hurt me any more than she already had, she did just that. I couldn't believe she would be that cruel, she was maybe the only person who could really tear me apart and that was just what she'd done.

And I couldn't take it anymore, it was when I snapped. My reactions were faster than my thoughts, as I found myself attacking her with the full force of my strength. Punching her on the face, not just slapping, but punching with my fist. I knew with my force and fighting skills, it wouldn't be that bad of a punch, but still enough to hurt.

I pushed her with the strength of my whole body, so that we both ended up on the floor, me on top of her, and kept hitting her. But soon she caught up with me, grabbed my hair and jerked my head back in such a force, she managed the push me against the floor this time.

And the fight went on with full force. I wasn't thinking, I was just attacking her. Punching, scratching, biting, doing anything to hurt her, and didn't even care that I got hurt just as badly as she did. I hated her so much.

It took me some time to realize that someone was actually trying to pull us away from each other.

Jasper and Emmett finally managed to pull us apart, Jasper holding me firmly against him, so that I wouldn't run away. I did struggle a bit, adrenaline still running in my blood, but gave up, after realizing Jasper was too strong, and settled with just glaring at Alice, who was also trying to get away from Emmett, who dragged her away.

Only now I fully realized that about everyone at the party was staring at us and most of them seemed to find this quite enjoyable too. Jasper apparently though it would be wise to take me away somewhere so he pulled me through the nearest bedroom door.

"That bitch!" I said as I sat down on the big double-bed.

"Um, Bella? Should I get someone, you're bleeding," Jasper pointed out.

"What?" I asked. "Oh." I was surprised to touch my head and realize that my hair was sticky with blood. I must've hit my head, when it hit the floor. Or more like when Alice had mashed it on the floor. "No, it's fine, just a little blood."

"That," Jasper said sounding almost impressed, "was a hell of a catfight."

"Yeah, I'm sure the audience enjoyed," I said sourly, touching my lip that hurt like hell. In reality it was not cool at all.

"They're going to talk about it for years," Jasper agreed, looking apologetic.

That was when Rosalie rushed inside slamming the door shut behind her.

"What the hell was that?" she asked. "That looked pretty serious, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Oh God," I groaned. I couldn't believe I had actually fought with Alice. And not just a little scuffle but a full on, hardcore fighting.

"Seriously talking though," Rosalie said sitting beside me on the bed. "You should stop it. You two can't just keep hurting each other, it's like you have this competition of who can find the most painful things to say, and I know neither of you want to do it."

"I'm not –" I was about to say I never wanted to hurt Alice, but then again, I hadn't been exactly nice just now. "I can't fix it," I said in a flat voice. I was almost too tired, too empty to feel right now.

"Don't say that, things can be fixed. They always can!" Rosalie said.

I shook my head. "Not all things can," I said and at that moment knew it was true, and knew why I felt so empty.

Because this couldn't be fixed. And that was why I felt so empty. Alice had hurt me too badly, she'd broken about every promise and law of friendship, and fine, maybe I had hurt her too, but it didn't change anything. Not all things could be fixed.

I didn't believe in any of that crap about soulmates, but as friends go, Alice had been my friend-soulmate for as long as I could remember. She was – had been – my favorite person. And now that was changing. Whatever happened in my life, I knew that she had my back, I knew that there was something permanent that wasn't going to go away.

And to lose something like that, well it was horrible.

"Do you want to go home?" Jasper asked quietly.

I looked up at him, already almost forgotten that he was in the room. He looked awful too, and I reminded myself that he had lost a significant part of his life too.

I shook my head. I knew we weren't really drunk, but I also knew that any of us wasn't in the condition to drive. "I just need more booze. Now."

Jasper silently handed me a bottle with an attempt of a smile and left.

I drank as fast as I could at the same time as Rosalie tried to clean me up a little and make me look less like I had just been in a fight. Which didn't really even matter, since everyone here knew it anyway.

"Come on, Bella," Rosalie said taking the bottle away from me. "Focus."

But that was exactly the problem, I didn't want to focus, I wanted to forget. "Come on, Rose, my life sucks, my best friend hates me, Edward was with me only because of a stupid bet, and better

yet, now the whole school knows about it. I think I reserve the right to get wasted right now."

Rosalie sighed and handed the bottle back to me after taking a sip. "Things will get better, you know."

"Don't say that when you can't know," I said. Then I got an idea. "Um, you don't happen to have any pills, do you?" Remembering the gang Rosalie usually hung out with, I knew she could maybe get her hands on something stronger than booze.

Rosalie raised her eyebrows at me. "Bella, _come on_."

"Hey, don't go all innocent on me, I know you're not!" I said.

She seemed to think hard for a minute. She must've felt sorry for me, since after a while her expression softened. "Fine, but only this once. Wait here."

"Yay, You're the best!" I laughed.

Rosalie left closing the door behind her. I lay down on the bed, with Jasper's booze, impatiently waiting for her to get back. Despite all the booze, I still felt miserable. I didn't want to feel empty, not right now.

Rosalie got back pretty quickly. I grinned and held out my hand. She dropped a small white pill on it. I looked at her. She laughed at my expression. "Don't even think about it, you're not getting more of that. Just take it and be happy."

"I'll try," I said quietly and swallowed the pill at the same time Rosalie swallowed hers.

I breathed in deeply.

"Come on, let's get out," I said, eager to get outside of the room, of this whole fucking mess of a life.

xxx

It took me a while to realize I wasn't dreaming anymore. I had been seeing some really bizarre dream. I couldn't even remember it, but it took me a while to shake away the feeling.

I finally opened my eyes, and it took me a while to recognize the place where I was. Before I had time to even think about how I had ended up here, Victoria opened the door and stepped inside the bedroom.

"Morning," I said, trying to smile but realized it hurt too much.

Victoria didn't answer; instead she opened the curtains and let the sunlight inside, so that the headache got even worse.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe _you_ could tell me that for a change," she snapped, her back still at me. I could hear that she was mad.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. My pained, exhausted brain couldn't process what she was saying quite yet.

"What do I mean?" she asked, finally looking me. "This!" she made a frustrated gesture towards me, "Do you think this is just all okay?"

"I don't understand. It's not a big deal, you know I drink, nothing new about that," I said. It wasn't like this would be the first time. Victoria was pretty easygoing when it came to alcohol; I assumed it was because of her own, wild teenage years. But she certainly didn't seem easygoing now.

"Yeah, I know you drink," Victoria said. "But yesterday, you should have seen yourself. You were really messed up. For God's sake, you had blood on your face and you couldn't even stand straight! I don't know what you took, and to be honest, I don't even want to; you scared the shit out of me! Can you even remember any of it?"

Actually, I couldn't. I shook my head, putting on my regretful face.

"So tell, me what the hell is going on?" Victoria said. "It's like you're kind of slipping away, and if something's really wrong, I want to help, but you can't just go on doing these kind of things! I was fucking scared last night."

"I'm sorry," I said. I hadn't even realized. I hadn't even realized how messed up and hurt I had really been. "How did I get here, then?" I asked.

"Edward drove you," Victoria said.

"_What_?"

"Why do you look so stunned, he seems like a really nice guy," she said.

"Believe me, he's not," I muttered. Hearing his name made me feel even worse. I hadn't really had time to think about him much with this whole Alice mess, but now that she mentioned it – it did feel bad. Really bad. It was almost like I missed him, at least I missed being with him. And I felt so stupid, I should have known. After all, what else could I expect from Edward Cullen? And I hated myself for giving him even that much of me.

"What?" Victoria asked, giving me a concerned frown. "Why do you look so weird?"

I sighed and finally got up from the bed. "I'm really sorry about last night. I should go now."

Victoria caught me when I was already getting out of the front door. I was feeling really bad and nauseated and didn't really need anyone's company right now, not even Victoria's.

"Bella," she said, grabbing my arm. "Just tell me if I can help? Please?"

"Sure," I said, trying to give her a reassuring smile. "I'll tell you."

But the truth was that I felt lonelier than I had for a while as I walked away from Victoria's house. Because she couldn't help me, no one could.

When I finally got home I was happy that I got to my room without seeing either of my parents. I lay on my back on the bed, pressing one hand over my aching forehead.

I was so tired of this, I realized. Everything was falling apart and I needed someone to talk to. And not just someone, but Alice. I missed her so much. I needed her.

I felt few tears escaping from my eyes and falling down to my cheeks. I'd never been a weeper, crying made me feel somehow so weak, even when there was no one around to see it, but right now I couldn't help the few tears from escaping.

I gave myself a few more minutes of self pity before getting up.

xxx

**Edward's PoV**

Somehow I was under the impression that I had fucked up. Big time. Emmett spent the whole next day apologizing about his slip, even after I'd told him it was not his fault. It was me who agreed to the stupid bet thing in the first place and it was me who Bella was so mad that she wouldn't even pick up the damn phone. I couldn't find her at school and the only time I'd seen her at the party on Friday was when she was too busy fighting with Alice to even notice me. Then I'd seen her later of course, but by then she was so messed up, there was no point trying to talk to her, since she wouldn't remember any of it, so I'd just driven her to her aunt's place.

Fine, maybe the whole bet thing had been really stupid and immature and everything, but it wasn't that grown-up from her part to just avoid me. Things were supposed to get better by talking. And I had canceled the bet before anything really even happened between the two of us, I should point out.

Except that I couldn't point out anything, because I couldn't even find her. So that's why she didn't leave me any other choice than to pay her another surprise visit.

Saturday afternoon I had somewhat got through the hangover I was standing under her window again, wondering why the hell I was doing all this crazy stuff for this girl. I wasn't the type who would care, I mean usually I wasn't. But I couldn't let Bella believe that I was the kind of dickhead she thought I was.

Climbing up to someone's bedroom from a tree wasn't all that fun. In fact, it was really difficult and if I was going to break my neck on my attempt to get to talk to Bella, I was going to be so pissed with her.

I tapped at her window and a minute later saw her face appear on it. From her expression I could see she was so not going to let me in, but I guess she just had to check that she wasn't hallucinating by opening the window. So then I of course jumped in without her being able to stop me.

I noticed that she looked really weird. Not just angry with me, but also worn out and tired and really unprepared.

"Hi," I said quietly.

"Edward," she said. "What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?"

I gave her a helpless glance. "You didn't answer your phone. I couldn't reach you at school. You left me no other option."

"And didn't it cross your mind," she said in a slow voice, as if trying to keep her self-control, "that _maybe_ I didn't want to see you."

"But I wanted to see you," I said simply.

"Yeah, and Edward Cullen always gets what he wants, I know," she said in an exaggeratedly bored voice. "But what more could you possibly want from me? You already won your damn bet, you got in my pants and hey in addition you even got the whole school to know, you nailed Bella Swan, the girl who's not even interested in guys, because you're just so irresistible. Good for you." Her voice sounded surprisingly bitter.

"Oh come on, you know it's not like that," I said, "I'm sorry about the bet but I canceled it before I ever _got in your pants_, as you say, and about the gossip, that's really not my fault, so don't even pull that up. And by the way, you wanted it too, so don't just try to act like you're some innocent girl I just lured into bed."

"Oh yeah?" she asked, raising her voice a little. "So you come here and think that you can just act all defensive and innocent, because you _canceled the bet_. Well, it's a bit too damn late for that."

"Hey, you knew it was not about the bet," I said, already beginning to lose my temper. I'd had a shitty day and I really did feel bad for her, so wouldn't she give me a fucking break? "People tend to fuck up sometimes, it's unavoidable. Is it so damn impossible to realize that you're not that perfect either?"

"That is so irrelevant!" she said sitting down on her bed. "You're driving me crazy, why do you do that?" she asked jumping up again and finally really looking at me. "Why do you have to be so mean?"

"What?" I yelped, I didn't have any idea what she was talking about. I mean, girls, sure they could be difficult, but usually they were quite easy to figure out if you really tried. But Bella, damn she was confusing. "How am I being mean? I may be immature and stupid, even wrong at times, but I'm not being mean to you, you know that!"

"You're right, you're wrong, immature, stupid _and_ damn cruel," she cried out, poking me on the chest with her finger. "I don't want you in my life. I can't have you in my life among all this other shit that is already happening."

I was already working on a snappy answer for her, when I saw her face. Like, really _saw_ it. It wasn't just angry or irritated with me, she looked really sad. Did I make her look like that?

"Bella, are you–"

She sat back down on her bed so that I couldn't see her face anymore. "Just fuck off, Edward," she said, sounding tired.

This was so not how I had planned this, I though, somehow it had gone really, really wrong. And I thought I did everything right, I mean come here and apologize and everything, I thought it would have been the right thing to do.

But now I didn't know what to say anymore. That wasn't something that happened to me often. So I just stood there for a while feeling like a complete idiot, staring at Bella's back and when it looked like neither of us was going to say anything anymore, I gave up and walked back to the window.

"Use the door," Bella said in a flat voice. "My mother's asleep."

I glanced at her once more before walking out of her room and closing it behind me. How had I ever thought this would work?


	11. Not all is supposed to make sense

**A/N:**** Hi guys, here's the next chapter, some reviews would be really appreciated! :) **

11. Not all is supposed to make sense

**Bella's PoV**

It was Monday again. Mondays were usually bad, but this one was particularly horrifying. The only reason I went to school at all, was because it would've seemed weak if I didn't show. After the first period I however already regretted going at all. I was tired after getting so little sleep last night and sick of people gossiping about me and having to worry that I won't bump into Edward or Alice.

In my second period I had math, I slipped on my seat next to Jasper and gave him a small smile. I noticed that he looked horrible, he had dark circles under his eyes and he was looking even unhappier than me to be here.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I whispered back to him as our math teacher started the lesson.

Math was a bit better because Jasper was there. We played hangman on the side of my notebook and I appreciated how he tried very hard to make me laugh with silly words he came up with. Only it was pretty hard to make me laugh these days, but anyway the class passed pretty quickly.

"Hey, how you're doing with all this?" Jasper asked as we were packing our books after the class.

I shrugged. "Well, you know. You don't seem that okay yourself, either?"

Jasper gave me a small smile. "I won't pretend that it's not hard, especially here, you know, there's just so much that reminds me… but it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Yeah, this is not the place I'd rather be right now, that's for sure," I said with a joyless laughter.

"Let's get out of here then?" Jasper suggested, like it was just that simple.

I gave him a look. "We're not supposed to ditch classes."

"Like you cared," Jasper said rising his eyebrow.

I sighed. "Let's get out of here."

We hopped into Jasper's car and drove to the center of Forks. Well if you could call it the center since it consisted of about two shops, bank, library and the police station and at this time of the day, it was almost desolated expect for the grannies who wandered around at their daily shopping trips.

We sat in one of the benches and watched them walking by with their plastic bags. We were quiet for a long time, but it didn't feel awkward, I'd never been that close to Jasper, but it was almost like we understood each other perfectly. After all, we were kind of going through the same heartache over the same person.

"Why can't life ever be even almost easy?" I asked.

"It can be," Jasper said. "It was with her. I thought it was."

I leaned my head against Jasper's shoulder and he wrapped one arm around me in a protective manner.

"But it's not, you think it's all going to be better, for a while, and then it just goes worse, right?" I asked.

"It's not supposed to all make sense," Jasper answered quietly.

"Sometimes I think we weren't meant to be happy," I said.

He didn't seem to know what to say to that and he only spoke after a long time. "Despite all this, I can't really even be mad at her. Or I would, if I just didn't miss her so damn much."

"I miss her too," I whispered. But she wasn't the only person I missed. Only I wouldn't let myself think of Edward too much, because then I might begin to forgive him.

"Why is it that the people we love the most end up hurting us the most?" Jasper said.

"Not all is supposed to make sense," I repeated his words, nudging him on the shoulder a bit.

"Things have to get better eventually, right?" Jasper asked.

I was going to give him the easy answer, assure him that of course they would, because that's what he was asking for, just for me to say that they would. But I was so tired of people saying that, when it wasn't true. We couldn't know, in real life you could never know, there were two options, things would either go better or for worse. "They don't necessarily have to," I said. "But if they don't, we will just adjust and then it won't hurt that much anymore."

"Can people forget how to be happy?" Jasper asked.

"You haven't forgotten, Jasper," I said after a long time. That was one thing that I was sure of. I wasn't sure if I had forgotten though. Looking at Jasper, all the obvious signs you could read from miles away that told his heart was broken – or not just broken, more like torn out of his chest and tossed on the floor and stumbled over and then thrown away – it just made me realize how stupid the whole concept of love really was. That you tie yourself to one, randomly picked person so tightly that it will finally only leave you a lot more unhappier than you were before you ever found that person.

"Love. Why does it have to hurt then?" Jasper asked.

"What does the word even mean?" I said. "Life throws meaningless people in front of you and makes them important. And then they hurt you. That's love. There's nothing more to it."

"It's not exactly like that," Jasper said.

"Then what is it?" I asked, frustrated.

"You'll know," he sighed. "You'll know eventually."

"I'm beginning to feel like I don't want to know," I said. Why would anyone want to give their heart away because of something so fragile?

"I don't regret it," Jasper said in a surprisingly determined voice. "I don't regret a moment with her; if I had a chance I'd do it all over again, knowing that she'll end up hurting me."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You're crazy."

He laughed. "You're cynical."

"Better be cynical than hurt, right?" I asked.

"And you're not hurt?" he pointed out.

"Damn," I said chuckling. "You're right, you won."

"I know," he said hugging me close to him.

I laughed, even though I wasn't amused at all. "We're a pretty miserable couple, don't you think?"

"Guess you're right," Jasper chuckled. Then his face got serious again, far too quickly. "I think I should go."

"True, me too," I said glancing at the clock in my cell, and then got up. "It was nice ditching with you."

"Let me know if you feel like doing it again," Jasper said as we walked back to his car.

xxx

The week didn't get any better from that, but I was coping, and Jasper seemed to be too, concluding from the fact that he still managed to show up at school at times. Apparently life seemed to be going on to heartbroken people too.

So the hours just passed by and nothing really changed until Wednesday morning.

After the first period Rosalie was nowhere to be seen, so I went outside to the bench behind the school. Except that when I crossed the corner to the backyard I realized that I wasn't alone.

It took me a while to identify the tightly curled up figure as Alice. And it also took me a while to realize that she was crying.

My first reaction was to get away, fast. I did not want to fight again. But somehow my feet wouldn't move, I couldn't just live her there alone. She looked so young, so vulnerable and I felt a strong urge to protect her, to do something.

It was silly of course, to feel like that, like everything that had happened in the past few weeks would've just disappeared, because she was crying.

That was when she raised her head and saw me. She looked really miserable, tears streaming down her face. I half expected her to say something mean to me, but she just sobbed and breathed "Bella" in an almost whisper-like voice.

It must have been the way she said my name, I could hear from her voice that she needed me.

And before I had time to stop myself I had ran to her and wrapped my arms around her. Pulling her close to me, pressing my face against her shoulder.

I was sobbing too now; I had no idea how that had started. I didn't know how long we stayed like that, arms wrapped around each other, holding on so tightly that it was almost impossible to breathe. I could smell the familiar scent of her perfume and it only made me realize how much I'd missed her.

Finally I tried to pull myself away from her, but she hold on to me even tighter, like she was afraid I was going away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered over and over again. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too," I cried. It looked like once it started, I couldn't stop it, so I just let the tears fall down my cheeks, until I could barely even see anything.

"I ruined everything," Alice sobbed miserably.

I didn't deny that, because, well, she kind of had. "I love you," I said, my voice almost angry. "I still love you so fucking much."

"Don't leave me, Bella," Alice whispered, tears dropping down her chin. "Please, don't leave me, I need you."

I pulled her in for another desperate hug, so that her shirt was wet from my tears, and mine was wet from hers too.

Finally I tried to gather myself and stop crying, but I didn't seem to manage very well. "We need to talk."

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it so hard it hurt but I squeezed back just as hard. "Can you forgive me?" She asked.

I would have wanted to say that I could, but I couldn't, not yet. It wasn't that easy. "I don't know," I said. If we were going to do this, we were going to have to be honest.

That, however, made her sob even harder. "Listen to me," she pleaded.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured her.

"I'm sorry I let you down," she started, wiping tears off her face. "I'm sorry I cheated, lied, spread nasty rumors and said all those cruel things and was so selfish. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I was just so lost. I know it doesn't really make any difference, but I hurt myself the most, I did everything wrong, but I didn't do it to hurt anyone, I did it, because I was so terrified and I didn't know any better. I can't change thing, I would if I could. But you're not perfect either, you make mistakes and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me, but you weren't there for me either."

I was quiet for a while, pondering her words. First I was going to tell her, that she couldn't really judge me after everything she'd done herself, but then I realized that everything she said was actually true. "I'm sorry too," I said finally. "I haven't been exactly the best friend either, I judged you when I should have been there for you and you didn't trust me when you should have, but maybe I didn't deserve that trust then. I really shouldn't have judged you in the very beginning; I should have tried to help you."

We looked at each other in the eye for a long time. "Yes, you should have," Alice said quietly and I could see the pain in her eyes so clearly it broke my heart all over again. "And I should have never brought out your family in that fight, it was low and disgusting."

"It really hurt," I admitted.. "But I shouldn't have punched you, not even after that." I thought how ironical it was that we, the persons who knew each other so completely, were the once who ended up hurting each other the most. How could we be so cruel?

"I've been the worst best friends recently," Alice said, crying again.

"Me too," I sobbed.

She breathed in deeply. "I forgive you," she said then. "If you forgive me."

I could read from her expression that she really meant it. Me, I wasn't sure if I was ready to forgive her just yet, but I also knew that I might not get another change to get back my favorite person.

"I forgive you," I said to her.

"I love you," Alice said pulling me in for another hug.

"Don't do that ever again," I said to her.

"I promise," she said. "Never again."

We looked at each other again. I knew that thing weren't the same as they were before, not yet. Maybe they would never be again, we were both still a bit broken, we would have to somehow define our friendship again and built the trust that I thought was gone forever.

But I also knew that when she said she forgave me and that she was sorry she meant it completely.

That was a start.

"My life is a mess," Alice confessed leaning her head against my shoulder.

"Mine too," I said. "I'll help you figure it out," I added then.

"Thank you." Alice said, she wiped the tears from my face and tucked my hair gently. I knew that maybe some things hadn't changed, that we would keep pulling each other up, that we would be there for each other when we needed it.

Of course it wouldn't make everything okay, but it was something.

"We're late from class," Alice pointed out.

"I don't care," I said getting up and reached out my hand for her, helping her up.

She didn't let go of my hand as we walked back inside the school and I only let go of hers when we had to go to different way to get to our classes.

I stood and watched her walking away to her own classroom, feeling confused and weird but at the same time so much lighter than I'd felt for a while.

Because the truth was; we didn't function very well without each other, we completed one another. She made me so much stronger.

After that morning things got better. At lunch break I sat again together with Alice and realized how much I had missed our lunch breaks together. We brought our trays to the corner table. Mostly we just ate in silence; guess neither of us wanted to really bring up the hurtful things right now. Every once in a while the other one of us would accidentally glance over at where the guys were sitting and wince but then we'd give each other a reassuring smile and it felt so much like everything was how it used to be.

I tried to make myself stop thinking about Edward, but it proved to be really hard. It was stupid really. I had never been the kind of girl to lose her mind over a guy, but somehow I found myself in these stupid moments when I was just remembering how his hands felt on me or something he'd said.

"I'm not falling for him. Sometimes when we're together I don't even know if I like him. But I can't stop thinking about the way he laughs. Because sometimes I thought it made me feel better," I said to Alice thoughtfully.

Alice gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm really sorry he turned out to be kind of jackass, but then again, guess I've always been the one of us, who've been good with relationships."

I did notice the sarcasm in her voice, but wasn't really amused yet. I grimaced at her.

"Not funny yet?" she asked.

"Nope," I said.

We smiled at each other a bit apologetic, or more like we were smiling at our fragile at the moment, mess of a friendship.

xxx

It seemed to be confusing everyone how we'd gone from being best friends to being enemies to being friends again so quickly. The whole school was still gossiping about our fight last Friday when we were already friends again. I didn't mind anymore, though. During my first two years in Forks High I had hardly been in the center of the attention and I would have preferred it to stay that way too. But with Alice on my side again it didn't matter so much.

"It's just gossip," she said to me Thursday at lunch break when the three of us – Rosalie had started to hang out with us more at school too – sat at our usual corner table in the cafeteria. "Few weeks and no one will even remember."

"People are so superficial," I smiled at her. "If they had some real problems they wouldn't bother talking about other people's shit."

"Damn right," Alice said and we continued eating.

After school I got home to notice mom sleeping on the living room couch.

"Mom," I said, tucking her awake.

"What?" She mumbled. "Oh, Bella, is it afternoon already?"

"Yeah," I said. "Have you been sleeping the whole day?"

Mom looked apologetic as she sat up. "I didn't mean to."

"It's okay," I said already turning around to go upstairs. "Hey, mom?" I said then, after a while of hesitation.

"Yeah?"

"Have you thought about starting to look for a job again?" I asked.

Mom stared at me like I had said a foreign word she didn't quite understand. "I don't think I'm ready yet," she said then.

"Okay," I said starting to walk towards the stairs.

"Bella?" she called me back, sounding a bit desperate.

"Yeah?" I turned around again.

"I'm sorry I let you down," mom said.

"You haven't let me down," I said, even though she had a little, but I could hardly say that. "Don't worry about it." I gave her one more smile and went to my room.

After actually spending some time on my homework for a change – I stopped though, after noticing that I was so out in math that there was no use of even trying to do the homework – I thought about calling Alice.

We hadn't really hung out after school for a long time – well, for obvious reasons – but I really missed our lazy afternoons together.

Alice picked up after the first ring.

"Hi, I just thought that would you like to hang out?" I asked a bit awkwardly.

"Um," Alice hesitated for a second. "Sure, come over."

"Okay?" I said sounding like it was a question.

"Okay," she said.

"See you in a few," I said.

"See you," she said and hung up.

Alice's parents were still at work and she was alone when I got there. I followed her up to her room and I sat on her bed as she opened her laptop. She even let me choose the song. Usually she never let me choose the song, I had to practically tear the laptop from her hands if I wanted to choose what we listened to. Guess it just showed that we were not yet back to normal.

There were still moments when the other one of us was about to say something, but then didn't, because we were scared how the other one would react. But I guess these things take time.

We spend the afternoon talking about usual stuff, schools and movies and TV-series we both loved but talking with her again felt so good.

"Alice," I said and lay down on her comfy bed later, as we came back upstairs with glasses of coke and chips.

"Yes?"

"You know just hanging out with you like this," I sighed. "It's the best."

She looked at me with a kind of wistful look on her face. "I've missed it too."

"Good."

"You know," she added after while, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I wouldn't give you up for anything, not guys or lies or gossip or anything."

I stared first at her dark eyes that where shimmering with emotion now, then her black, messy hair, her cheeks her colorful clothes, every feature I knew so well. Then I met her eyes again. "Stop, or I'm going to start crying. You know I hate that," I said in a husky voice.

"That's my Bella," Alice laughed, "Always ruining these emotional moments."

I laughed with her, mostly out of relief, because only now did I really feel it again, now I was really her Bella and she was my Alice again.

And later on when her laughter turned into tears I held her as she told me how much she really missed Jasper.

Rosalie called me when I was just leaving Alice's place.

"Where are you?" she yelled over the loud background noise.

"At Alice's," I said. "Where are you?"

"At Jessica's place, her parents are away for the week; didn't you know she was throwing a party? _Everyone_'s here," Rosalie said.

"Really?" I asked sarcasm heavy in my voice. "I'm so surprised I wasn't invited."

"You two should come, really," Rosalie said. "I know Jess is not your favorite person, but it's a good party."

I looked at Alice. "You wanna go?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Not really interested, but if you wanna go I'll come."

"No thanks, I think I'll just go home," I said. Then I thought about something. "Hey Rose? Is Edward there?"

"Yeah, I saw him earlier, hold on a minute…" There was a sound of steps and the music grew louder. "Yep, there he is, talking with Jessica."

"That's what I thought," I said dryly. I had kind of expected it, still I felt somehow disappointed.

"If you decided to come, he'd forget Jess and be all over you the minute he saw the sight of you, you know that," Rosalie said, sounding sympathetic.

"I'll pass, thanks Rose, see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Alice asked as she walked me to my car.

I shook my head and said goodbyes to her. I knew that there was a good change Edward would end up in Jessica's bed tonight and I knew that I could probably prevent it if I wanted, but honestly, I was so sick of this. I didn't even care, well not much anyway. And sure I missed him a bit. But it was good to miss him now, until he'd really had the change to hurt me, right? Right?

I was already on the main road when I turned the car around.

"Alice, let's go to that party," I sighed.

"Yay!" Alice yelped in excitement as she jumped in. "That's a good girl, go steal Edward back to yourself."

"I don't want him back," I said as I turned back to the road. "I just want him away from Jessica."

Jessica's house was full of music and people. Someone was leaning over the front porch rail and throwing up when we were going inside.

"It's not even past midnight yet," Alice rolled her eyes.

We found Rosalie in the crowded living room with Emmett. Or more like all over Emmett.

"Wow," Alice said.

"Hi, girls," Emmett said reluctantly pulling away from Rosalie, but still kept his arm tightly around her.

"Where is he?" I muttered.

Rosalie nodded towards the corner of the room.

Edward and Jessica were sitting on the couch, so close to each other that their hips were touching. Jessica was wearing a dress so short it was actually a miracle there weren't any underwear in sight. On second thoughts though, she probably didn't even use any. Edward's hand was on her tight and she was laughing over something he said.

I felt my expression getting darker, and I was surprised about how jealous I actually felt. It wasn't that I would have wanted him back – well, not that much anyway – but seeing those hands, that I could still almost feel on my body, touching someone else, and worse yet, touching _Jessica_.

"Uh oh," Emmett said, sounding concerned. "If you're going to beat him up too, he'll probably need some back up help."

"I'm not going to beat him up," I snapped, "and it's not exactly like I just go around beating people."

Emmett looked at Alice pointedly.

"I still have bruises," Alice mouthed at Emmett with a grin. I was a bit astonished that we really could joke about it already.

"Gosh," I said turning around. Then I turned back, "Oh and Emmett, if you're ever going to hurt Rose, you're responsible for me and Alice."

"Oooo, scary," Emmett said. The funny part was that he actually looked a bit scared.

"Yeah," Alice said, "and Bella, if you need any help beating Edward up, just call me?"

I gave her a thankful smile before walking away.

"Well, it didn't take you long to find someone else to fool," I said walking in front of the two of them. "At least you don't have to pretend you give a shit about me anymore."

Edward and Jessica turned to look at me at exactly the same time. It was almost funny how Jessica could look so irritated and Edward so horrified.

"No Bella, don't be stupid –" Edward started.

I nodded at him. "yeah, I'm not," I said, and was pleased how cold I managed to sound. I should've won an Oscar or something. "Not anymore."

"Bella," Jessica said, looking contemptuous. "Can't you tell when you're not wanted? We were having a private moment here with Edward."

"Oh right," I said, not moving my eyes from Edward. "I'm sorry, I'll just go then –" I hadn't have time to take even one step back when Edward was up the couch and holding my arm.

"Bella, wait."

It was so worth it to see the look on Jessica's face.

"Edward, you're ruining your private moment with Jessica," I said in a fake whisper, so loud that I was sure she could hear.

"Bella," he said his voice so low that Jessica couldn't hear. Only, the combination of him saying my name, like it really mattered and being so close to me, made it hard to think clearly. "You know I don't care about her, I wouldn't even be talking to her, if she hadn't come to talk to me."

"Yeah, I know you don't care about her," I said. I did believe him in that. "But don't act like you care about me either." Unfortunately I wasn't doing that good job in keeping my voice cold and emotionless anymore.

"Excuse me," Jessica said standing up too. "Edward, what's going on? Okay, so here's Bella, who's obviously not interested and then there's me, who's very interested, so what are you going to do?"

Edward and I both stared at Jessica; like we'd forgotten for a while she was there.

I sighed, realizing that this was all just a big mistake. Coming here and acting like I cared, when I wanted to just get away from him, when obviously neither of us had any idea what we were doing.

"You know, just go with Jessica, I don't even care –"

"I'm not going with Jessica," Edward said in a firm voice. "Is it so fucking hard to understand, I couldn't care less about Jessica."

"What?" Jessica exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, but I don't," Edward said. "Actually I'm not even that sorry."

Jessica looked from Edward to me and back, and then obviously recognizing she had lost, she hurried away looking like she might start to cry.

Despite that this had actually been my intention all along, I felt kind of sorry for him.

"Okay, so now that that is cleared, I guess I see you later," I said, trying to walk away. "Edward? Mind letting go of my arm now?"

Edward looked tired. "Bella, please? Do you have to act so childishly?"

I was about to say I wasn't acting childishly, except that I was a little. "You know, we agreed that we don't want anything serious anyway, so I don't get why you still care?"

"Yeah, me either," Edward said quietly. "But I do."

I wanted to be mad at him, I really did. And a minute ago I had been, but now I didn't know anymore.

"I'm sorry," he said. He'd said it before, but now I got the feeling that he really understood what he meant by it. And Edward wasn't the type to apologize often.

"Look," I said. "It feels like I'm finally starting to get my life back in order, and I don't want you to come and fuck everything up again, okay?"

"Okay," Edward said and finally let go of my hand.


	12. It's not all about lust

**A/N: I've been kind of busy with my real life these couple of weeks so I hadn't really have any time to work on this, but now it's finally here! Hope you like it, and hope the next chapter won't take that long :)**

12. It's not all about lust

**Edward's PoV**

There was basically only one good thing about this day. And it was that it was Friday; surely it could not suck that badly?

I was still so not going to go to school. Or at least I wasn't going until Esme found me.

"Edward Anthony Cullen," she said in a raged voice. "What are you doing still in bed?"

"My head hurts." I tried my most miserable tone of voice.

Esme looked at me grimly. "If you ever even so much as think about ditching again –"

"Okay, okay. I'll go," I sighed, giving up. There was no negotiation when she was in that mood.

"Edward," she said sitting down on the edge of my bed at the same time as I got up. "You know that I'm just worried about you. We don't want things to go the way they did in Phoenix."

"Yeah, I get it," I said, already feeling a little guilty. I knew she was worried about me all the time. I mean, Carlisle was too, but it was different for her. I knew she felt inadequate, and I didn't want her to feel that way just because I wasn't decent enough child for her.

"We were thinking," Esme started taking a deep breath. "That maybe you just need someone to talk to."

"What exactly are you suggesting?" I asked in a sharp voice.

"You know, when you first… came into our family, of course there were many professionals around your case, but now –"

"Esme," I said, my voice determined now that I realized what she was trying to talk about. "Let's not even go there."

"But we thought that maybe it would be good for you to get the chance to talk to someone who understands. Someone who's seen situation like that, who know how to deal with that."

"I'm not crazy," I exclaimed. "Just because I've skipped a few classes doesn't mean I'm losing it."

"I know that, I never said you were crazy," Esme said, looking miserable.

"Good," I said, putting on my jeans, my tone clearly suggesting that it was the end of this conversation. Unfortunately she didn't take the hint.

"But still it might be helpful to just talk to someone."

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, raising my voice this time. "I don't need to. And what's the point anyway? The past is the past. You can't change it."

Esme didn't say anything but I could see that she was a bit hurt. And I was sorry that I'd hurt her, but it was her fault, really, for bringing up things that we didn't talk about. I was okay with my past. A rough childhood, yeah right, who didn't have one? I just didn't want to talk about it.

"You can't keep running forever," Esme said finally.

"I'm not running, it's called living," I pointed out. "I'm going to school now."

I was still in bad mood when I got to school. Talking about my past always made me grumpy. And also seeing Bella pass me by in the hallway and completely ignore me didn't exactly lift my mood either.

Because I didn't want Bella to ignore me, I wanted her to want me. The thing with Bella was that I had grown to quite like her.

Okay, fine, I fucking cared about her. Not much, but enough to make me concerned about the situation. Not to mention that I wanted her. I missed the way she looked naked in my bed. But there was no point in thinking about that, if she didn't want me back there was nothing I could do about it. Except maybe climb up her window and convince her. Preferably right after she'd come out of shower.

I lost my concentration imagining the scene in my head, so that I almost bumped into Emmett.

"Wow, what's got you so thoughtful?" Emmett asked, putting an arm around my shoulder. "Wait, don't tell me. _Women_."

"Well, you're the one to talk," I pointed out. "You've been awfully close to one certain Rosalie Hale lately."

Emmett winked at me as we walked towards the biology corridor. "Well, I always did have a way with the ladies, unlike you. So are you going to win her back?"

"You think I could?" I asked, looking at him.

"Wanna make a bet about it?"

I looked at him dryly.

"Not funny?" Emmett asked.

"Nope," I stepped inside the biology class.

"Edward?" Emmett called after me as he continued to walk towards his own class. "I do think you could."

I rolled my eyes at him and took my seat at the back of the classroom. Bella chatted with Rosalie and didn't turn to look at me when I sat down. Well, I didn't really expect her to, but it was irritating that she completely ignored me.

At lunch break I sat in the corner table with Jasper and Emmett. I found myself thinking that I missed the time when we used to sit with the girls. But then again, I missed the time when Jasper used to smile.

Now Jasper was staring at the table with a blank expression on his face, once again not even touching his food.

I glanced at Emmett who was sitting next to me and he gave me a helpless shrug in return.

"You should eat something," Emmett tried halfheartedly.

"I'm not hungry."

"A girl is not worth starving yourself over," Emmett said.

"Alice is," Jasper just said.

"She cheated you," I said, raising my voice a little. "Haven't you suffered enough for her already?"

"Doesn't mean I wouldn't still love her," Jasper said stubbornly.

"You're impossible," I said.

"Like you would be any better yourself," Jasper snorted. "Like you wouldn't keep staring at Bella all the time and then act like you couldn't care less. It's pathetic, at least decide whether you want her or not."

"Yeah, I will. Right after you decide that Alice is not worth losing your mind over," I snapped at him.

I stood up and walked away from the cafeteria, deciding that I've had enough of broken hearts for one lunch break. I knew it was just going to turn into a nasty fight with me and Jasper both in such a bad mood. Besides, Jasper was wrong. What was the point of decisions anyway? It was easier not to make any, that way you could back off easily if you changed your mind.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

"I have a problem," I confessed to Alice at the lunch break when we were alone for a while. "I know I should be mad at Edward. For fuck's sake he made a bet about me! But I just can't be anymore."

"Ooh, that's bad," Alice sighed. "It won't take long until you're back in his bed. Few days, maybe a week. Wanna make a bet about how long you'll be able to resist him?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I think I've had enough of bets for a one lifetime, thank you very much."

"I fucking want that guy," I sighed after a while, following Edward with my eyes as he stood up and walked away from their table. "So much that it's not even funny anymore."

"Don't worry, honey," Alice said. "I think it's time for you to fall for a guy for a change. It could be good for you, who knows."

"Who said I'm falling for him?" I asked. "I just said I want him."

"What's the difference? You've already proven you're not able to stay away from him for that long, so…"

I hadn't thought about it like that, but now that she mentioned it, it kind of made me worried. After all, I'd never really fell for anyone before, how was I supposed to know how it felt?

After the last class was finally over and the weekend begun I went to Alice's place.

"I was thinking," Alice said as we lay down on the couch. "I think we should stay in for the night, just watch movies and stuff."

"Yeah," I said. "Sounds good."

"In fact, I wouldn't mind if we never stepped outside again," Alice added.

I actually might have preferred it that way too. I missed the way we used to spend the weekends watching TV and having sleepovers, it felt somehow so sweet and innocent now. Our lives were so much simpler back then.

"Do you think Jasper will ever forgive me?" Alice sighed later, when we were finishing our movie marathon.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

"But if someone did that to you, would you forgive them?" Alice asked. I could see the desperation in her eyes.

"Have you ever considered that maybe Jasper just wasn't the one for you, that it was not meant to last and that is why you cheated him?" I asked.

"Answer me, Bella." Alice looked me straight in the eye now, not distracted by my change of subject. "Would you forgive?"

"No," I said finally. "I guess I wouldn't. But that's just me."

"But I did all kind of crazy shit to you too and you forgave me still, didn't you?"

"Yes, but that was only because you are you, I wouldn't have if it was anyone else."

"But I'm me for him too, aren't I?" she asked. "Maybe he can't live without me either."

"Look, I really don't know," I said. "Maybe we should order some pizza, I'm hungry. Aren't you hungry?"

"No, I'm not hungry," Alice said sharply.

"Hey, no reason to get pissed, I just told you the truth," I said.

We stared at each other for a moment. First it looked like she was going to snap something back to me, but then her expression softened.

"I know," she sighed, leaning her heads against my shoulder. "I'm so glad we are friends again. I never knew having your heart broken is so tiring."

"Yeah," I said, because after all, what else could you say? He's not worth it? There's plenty of fish in the sea, you'll get over it? I knew Alice didn't want to hear any of those things.

"I cry every night because I miss him so fucking bad," Alice confessed.

"Not tonight," I said.

"What?"

"I'll stay over, you won't cry tonight."

We both got tired after one more movie, changed into Alice' pajamas and tried to fit in her small bed. I turned on the bedside lamp.

"It's not working," Alice whispered to me. "I feel like crying already."

"No, don't," I said, trying desperately to think of something. "Okay, let's do this; I heard it in _Dr. Phil_ once. List all the reasons why you shouldn't be with Jasper."

"That's stupid. There are no reasons. Except maybe that I'm a selfish bitch who only hurts him." I could already see the first tears shimmering in her eyes. This was so not working.

"No, not about you, about him," I explained. "And besides you're not a selfish bitch, sometimes you just act like one, because you are so insecure."

"Well hello Dr. Bella, I thought we were having a sleepover, not a counseling session."

"Come on, I'm serious!" I said, nudging her on the shoulder. "Why Jasper is not the right guy for you?"

"Well," Alice started hesitating. "At times it felt like he always put his friends before me."

"Yes, that's good," I encouraged her. "Give me more."

"And when I text him it can take hours for him to get back to me," Alice said, clearly starting to get the hang of this. "He picks his nose when he thinks I don't see. He changed the channel when I wanted to watch _Gossip Girl_."

"Yeah, so he's obviously not the perfect match for you! What else?" I asked, secretly pleased about my therapist skills.

"He likes broccoli, anyone who likes broccoli must be somehow weird in the head." She stopped for a moment to think. "And he only calls me baby in bed."

"Yeah, that's a good one." I yawned and pulled the blanket tightly around me.

"I hate the way he makes stupid jokes when he's drunk. I hate that he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings." She must have listed a few things after that but I wasn't really listening anymore, I was half asleep already.

I woke up when Alice tucked my shoulder eagerly.

"What? Is it morning already?"

"No," she said. I only then noticed the scared look in her eyes and it made me more alert.

"What is it? Did you saw a nightmare?"

"No," Alice said again. "Rosalie called me."

"What is it, then?" I asked, getting impatient. "Is she alright?"

"Yes, she's fine. It's Jasper," Alice said dramatically. "Rosalie said she's been dancing with Angela the whole night. And done something more than dancing too, apparently."

"What? She woke you up because something like that?" I asked.

"She didn't know I was asleep, obviously," Alice said desperately. "Come on, Bella, you have to help me!"

"How am I supposed to help you?" I asked, annoyed. Having woken up in the middle of the nigh would make anyone a bit grumpy. "Do you need more counseling?"

"_No_! I need to get there," Alice said, already jumping out of the bed.

"Oh come on," I exclaimed. "You gotta be kidding me! You can't just crash into some party in the middle of the night, because Jasper's dancing with someone."

"Yes I can. And what if it's really not just dancing?" Alice said and I could recognize the determined look in her eyes that said that she was going to get what she wanted.

"You're being unreasonable. Come back to bed, everything will look different in the morning," I tried.

"Bella," she said. "It may sound crazy. Fuck, maybe it is crazy, but you are my best friend. And Jasper is the guy I love. If I want to do something crazy to try to save what we had, you should give me your full support, shouldn't you?"

I sighed and got out of the bed. "You should remember how fucking good friend I am after all."

"I do remember. I love you," she simply said.

It took us less than half an hour to get there. The house seemed to be full of people and even though it was cold, some were outside.

"Alice." I grabbed her shoulder to stop her when she was already opening her car door. "What are you exactly going to do? Just march in there and say Jasper can't dance with anyone else, even though you broke up."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," she said. "I'll improvise."

"Just don't do anything stupid," I warned her. "Or if you do, do it with style."

"I will," she promised and climbed out.

"I don't have any idea whose party this is," I said as we walked through the front door.

"Who cares?" was Alice's answer.

In the kitchen we met Rosalie who was so drunk she was barely able to point us where she had seen Jasper. Finally we found him in the living room with Edward and Emmett.

"What are you going to do now?" I asked.

"I have no idea." Alice shook her head, looking nauseated.

"We can always go back home," I suggested.

"I didn't drag you out of the bed for nothing."

"It's okay, I already forgave that," I tried saying, but she was already going towards the guys.

"Where is she?" Alice asked from Jasper when we reached the three of them.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper asked, rudely, not even trying to hide how much he loathed her.

"Angela. Rosalie told me you danced with her," Alice said and even I had to admit that it sounded a bit stupid, coming from her ex-girlfriend.

"Right," Jasper said, in his most sarcastic tone. "And where's Mike? The whole school told me you fucked him."

Alice looked like Jasper had slapped her on the face. Or like she had preferred Jasper to just slap her, since it would have hurt less. "I'm not telling you that you can't dance with her, I know I don't have any right to say that. I just wanted to tell you, before you do anything irreversible that I love you and I'm sorry. Maybe you should consider forgiving me, because people make mistakes all the time and they learn from them."

They looked at each other in the eye. For a moment, just for a second, I thought that Jasper was going to say something cheesy and it would be all right again. But then the moment was over and Jasper snorted and moved further away from Alice.

"Some mistakes can't be forgiven." he said in cold voice. "You're asking for too much."

"I'm not! Think about all we had, Jazz," Alice cried out. "Is it worth throwing away just because I'm not perfect?"

Jasper was going to say something but apparently Alice was too afraid to hear what it was, since she turned around and almost run away.

"Just remember that she's hurting too," I said to Jasper before hurrying after her.

We were already almost back at Alice's car when Edward caught us.

"Bella!" he called after me.

"What?" I asked turning around.

"Can't you forgive me already?" he asked, spluttering the words a little. "Didn't you hear what Alice said, everyone makes mistakes and stuff."

"You're drunk."

"Maybe, but it doesn't change the fact that I fucking want you."

"And that doesn't change the fact that we've been through this before and –"

Suddenly Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. "Tell me you don't want me, look me in the eye and tell me."

"I don't want you," I said. Fuck, I wanted him.

"You're lying. I can see it in your eyes," Edward said.

"It's not all about lust." I changed my tactic since lying didn't seem to work.

"Not all," Edward agreed. "But pretty much is."

"Find someone else to want, then," I said coldly. "I'm busy."

I didn't give him time to answer as I climbed inside Alice's car, where she was already waiting me.

"God, that hurt so fucking much," Alice whispered, tears on her face.

I couldn't have agreed more.

xxx

I only got home late at Saturday afternoon. "Mom? Dad? I'm home," I cried out at the hallway. Neither of them answered.

"Mom?" I asked, feeling my heart beat just a bit faster. I could already feel the fear taking over. Every time I was away for even a bit longer, even though I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, there were the disturbing thoughts in the back of my mind that suggested, what if it wasn't?

I walked through the empty kitchen and living room, starting to slowly really freak out.

"Mom, are you here?" I asked, walking up the stairs. Of course she could have gone to the supermarket or something.

If she'd ever do the shopping in our house.

I opened the bedroom door slowly. There she was, her eyes closed. It looked almost like she wasn't breathing, almost like she was –

"Bella? Are you back already?" Mom opened her eyes slowly.

"Shit!" I cried out, my body full of adrenaline, my heart pounding like it wanted to jump out of my chest and my knees so weak I had to sit down. "Don't ever do that again! I was so scared."

"Do what?" Mom frowned.

I tried to even my breath. "Nothing," I mumbled, already a bit embarrassed. Why did I have to always overreact? Of course everything was fine, of course she wouldn't have done anything.

"Where's dad?" I asked.

"He's not back yet?" mom asked, sounding confused.

"What do you mean he's not back yet? Where is he?" I asked.

"I don't know," mom whispered, getting up from the bed. "Yesterday, we were fighting and then he left, like he usually does."

She didn't have to explain more, I was starting to get the picture. "But it's Saturday afternoon already! Why is he not back?"

"I don't know." Mom sounded helpless.

"What were you fighting about anyway?"

"Just old stuff," mom said, looking uneasy.

"Have you tried to call him?" I asked, the panic already coming back.

"Phone turned off."

"What do we do?" I asked. Part of me was expecting her to have some magic answer, to put everything back in place, because she was my mother.

"We wait," she said. Well, I should have known she didn't know any better what to do than I did.

"We can't just wait," I exclaimed. "It's been the whole night. Anything could have happened."

"He's and adult man," mom said, walking past me and out of the room. "He should be able to take care of himself."

I sat down on my parents' bed, feeling miserable. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I still couldn't help blaming myself. If I would have been home last night, maybe I would have been able to stop it. Also the way mom went all awkward when I asked her what they were fighting about; I knew it was about me.

After a while I went downstairs with mom. We turned the TV on, but neither of us pretended to be paying attention. Mom once asked me if I was hungry but apart from that we didn't speak.

I think it was hours later, in the late afternoon, when we finally heard the key turning in the lock and the door opening. Mom and I glanced at each other, but neither of us got up.

When dad walked – or more like swayed – into the living room, it wasn't so much relief that I felt, more like just anger. He had no right to make us so worried all the time. It was just not fair.

"Where have you been?" mom asked.

"None of your business," dad muttered. There was no bottle in sight this time, but anyone could tell he had been drinking.

"Well I think that it is our damn business," I almost shouted, standing up. "Given that we've been just worrying our ass off for hours, because you just disappeared."

"Bella, don't," mom whispered, now sounding scared. I knew of course that it would have been wise to just shut up and leave, but somehow I didn't want to. Dad looked enraged, but I didn't give him the chance to speak.

"I can't think of any reason to care anymore, really," I almost shouted. "But I do. So would you quit behaving like no one else mattered!"

"How do you dare speak like that?" Dad asked, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me a bit. Not enough to really hurt, but enough to scare me a bit. "I've given everything to you. I work in a shitty job to pay our bills; you have no right to judge me."

"Because you're irresponsible!" I yelled. "And cruel, abusive, drunk and –"

I didn't get the change to end the sentence, because that was when the doorbell rang. We all three froze for a second. Then the doorbell rang again.

"Should someone go...?" mom asked in a shaky voice.

I walked slowly out of the living room and to the front door and opened it.

"See, I used the door like you told me to," Edward grinned at me.

I didn't really know whether to laugh or cry. Of course it was him. From all the moments he could have chosen to pay me a surprise visit.

"Edward," I said in a tense whisper. "Now is really not a good time."

"I know," he said. "Of course it's easier to just avoid me forever, but _I_ want to talk. Now."

"No," I said, afraid that I might really start crying. "I'm not avoiding you, now is just really not the right time."

Edward didn't have time to answer, though, because that was when dad came to the hallway, tripping over the sill, so that he almost fell.

"What the fuck is taking you so long?" dad spluttered. Then he noticed Edward, who was standing in the doorway, looking at dad with a bit horrified expression. Well, I told him it was a bad moment.

"Would you just fuck off, dad?" I muttered to myself. This was quickly turning into a disaster. As if I wouldn't have enough to deal with these two alone, let along together.

"What did you say?" dad asked.

"Nothing, I was just kindly asking you to fuck off, since I was having a conversation with Edward here." I didn't know why I said that. I only knew that I shouldn't have. Hadn't I learned anything? I was supposed to try to calm him down when he was in that mood, not cause any more problems. Well it was too late for that now.

Dads palm hit my cheek with such force I almost fell back.

"You don't talk to me like that, you little shit!" dad shouted so that his face turned bright red. It was quite scary.

I think he was going to hit me again. Or at least he raised his palm, but then I was pulled back and suddenly Edward was between us.

"You don't hit Bella," Edward said. He wasn't raising his voice, but still managed to sound somehow threatening.

"Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what to do?" dad yelled.

I was trying to get between them before he would hit Edward, but Edward was keeping me back with his other arm.

"You don't fucking touch her," Edward said. "She's your own daughter."

"Come on, let's go." I was starting to get panicked, but Edward wasn't even listening me. I was pretty sure they would have been full on fighting a second later, if I hadn't thrown myself in front of Edward and pushed him back with the full strength of my body.

"Edward, _please_, let's just go," I pleaded, trying to look him in the eye. I finally caught his eye and after a while I could feel his body relax just a bit and he stopped fighting.

"Please." I pulled him out of the front door and shut it, without looking back at Charlie.

We got into Edward's car and he started driving, without saying anything. He was squeezing the wheel so hard his knuckles were white. I could feel a few tears escaping from my eyes.

Shit, I couldn't start crying now. I quickly wiped them away; it was probably just the stress.

"Are you crying?" Edward asked, sounding horrified. Typical, he could take raged fathers anytime, but not a few tears.

"No," I said, trying to sound like I wasn't holding back tears. "Didn't I tell you it was a bad moment?" I asked. Apparently my turning the situation into a joke didn't work, since Edward didn't answer anything.

"Are you okay?" he asked finally.

"Yes," I said instinctively, touching my burning cheek. I didn't need a mirror to tell it was bright red.

"He had no right…" Edward growled behind his teeth. Apparently he had hard time controlling himself.

"I know, I know." I tried to calm him down. "It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Edward cried out. "That's domestic violence!"

"Don't exaggerate," I said. "It's not like that."

"Then tell me what it is!" Edward said.

"Okay, pull over," I said.

"What?"

"Stop the car. You're too upset to drive right now."

To my surprise he obeyed without saying a word and stopped the car on the side of the road.

It wasn't a long walk from where we were to my abandoned cottage. Edward must've known where I was taking him, since he didn't ask. The weird thing was that we were walking hand in hand. I didn't even know if it was me who had grabbed his hand or the other way around, I guess it didn't matter. His hand was warm and comforting and I wasn't strong enough right now to let go.

I opened the door and we stepped inside the dirty room that was so homely.

"Tell me," Edward said.

"What?" I asked, sitting on the blanket that was on the floor. Edward sat next to me, close.

"Tell me about it."

I never thought I could. I never thought I wanted to tell about my family to anyone else than Alice and maybe Victoria. Maybe it was just that I was at my most vulnerable, that I so desperately wanted him to understand. That I hadn't even admitted to myself how broken my parents had left me.

I didn't really know the reason, but suddenly the words were flowing from my mouth. Everything from when mom had first got depressed and dad had started drinking. About all the horrible fights and the nights I couldn't sleep because mom was crying in the next room. About how dad disappeared and I was so worried. How I hated him and cared so much at the same time. About how he was drunk all the time now and couldn't control himself, how in the end, he was probably just as broken as I was, as broken as we all were really.

"He had no right," Edward said, when I stopped speaking. "He still had no right to do that."

"He didn't mean to," I said sounding only a bit bitter. "Besides, what the point anyway? I will forgive him, eventually, I know it. Even if I don't want to, I will, because he's my father. I hate it."

Edward looked at me and there was something in his eyes that I couldn't even begin to understand. "It doesn't always go like that," Edward said in a dark voice.

I was going to ask him what he meant, but I didn't have the change because suddenly he was kissing me. First on the lips, then he moved his lips softly on my cheek. It didn't take away the pain, but it was numbing it and that was good enough.

I pulled him close to me with all the strength I had left. I kissed his lips, his neck, everywhere I could reach.

Soon I was pulling his shirt over his head and his hands were under my shirt. I knew where this was leading, but I had no intention of stopping it. I didn't have to; I knew I wasn't going to regret this later. How could I ever regret something that felt so good?

It didn't take long until all our clothes were tossed on the floor and then it was just me and him and there was nothing in between us. He made me _feel_. He made me just a bit happy right then. I didn't care if it was just pretending; I didn't care if it wasn't real. All I even wanted to feel was him on my skin. Because if I had ever learned anything about life, it was that you had to take these moments of perfection. You didn't get to have anything for keeps. It was all just temporary anyway. Temporary love, temporary heartache, temporary people.

So I was holding on to Edward as tightly as I could while I still had him.

**A/N: Hey I've just had a crap week, some reviews would really make me feel better!**


	13. Stuborn as always

**A/N:**** thank you so muc anonymous for reviwing!  
>Sorry that it's taken so long, I know it's a bad excuse but I really have had so much else to think about in my life right now, so that I haven't had that much time and energy for this fic, but I'm going to try to get the chapters here as fast as I can!<strong>

13. Stubborn as always

**Bella's PoV**

We stayed the night at the cottage, even though it was actually far too cold for that already. But we were close to each other and whoever had been there before had kindly left the blankets, so we weren't freezing.

And I was far too tired to move anyway, even if it was a bit cold.

I woke up in the morning as the sun lighted up the room. Edward's arm was wrapped around me. He was still asleep, so he must have done it in his sleep, it was weird; we'd never slept like that before, so close to each other. Usually we had just been on the opposite sides of the bed.

Well, there wasn't any bed this time, just the blankets and us.

I got up slowly, wrapping one of the blankets around my naked body. I was looking down at his sleeping face for a while and it was weird, because I actually felt so close to him for a moment that it was scary. Then he opened his eyes and I had to look away because I didn't want him to look me in the eye right now.

Edward got up too and touched my bare shoulder. His hand was warm against my cold skin. I closed my eyes for a moment, then pulled away from him and put on my shirt. He put on some clothes too.

"I think I should go home." I was the first one to break the silence. "To check that everything's fine and stuff."

"Are you crazy?" Edward turned his head towards me so quickly that I winced. He looked almost angry. "You can't."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I didn't understand his reaction.

"You can't go back there, of course you can't," Edward said.

"I have to," I laughed a little, but it sounded hollow. "I live there, remember?"

Edward was looking really weird. "You shouldn't go back there. He's dangerous."

"He's not." I frowned. "He's my father."

"You never know what could happen," Edward said.

"He's my dad," I repeated.

"That doesn't prove anything," Edward said, he's face emotionless, but his eyes very dark. "He hit you."

"He almost never does that," I said. It was somehow sweet and strange that he was so concerned, but I really needed to go back home now.

"_Almost_ never is not good enough!" Edward nearly shouted.

"Edward," I said, in a shivering voice after a short, tensed silence. "What happened to your real parents?"

I pulled a little further away from him, after I had said that, no idea what his reaction would be. He looked taken aback by my abrupt change of subject but he wouldn't look at me. I don't know if it was because I'd told him about my parents or because he wanted me to stay or just because he trusted me enough, but eventually he started speaking.

"I was six when I was adopted," he started, and kept staring at his hands. "My real father was always a bit weird. Of course I was too young to understand, even though mom tried explaining why he sometimes got really strange and hit her. I only later found out that what he had was the combination of schizophrenia and depression. It doesn't really matter what it was really, the thing was that he was really fucked up."

Edward took a break and I looked at him, a horrified expression on my face. I didn't say anything so eventually he continued.

"So when I was six everything changed. It was one of dad's bad phases. When he came home that night he was drunk. He didn't usually drink because it made it even worse. I was in the kitchen with mom drinking hot chocolate when he came in. It didn't take them even ten minutes to get into one of their nasty fights. I slipped under the kitchen table and pressed my hands over my ears, you know, the silly stuff young kids do when they're scared. By that time dad was pointing mom with his gun. He'd done that once before, but none of us believed he'd actually ever shot."

I was having a nauseating feeling on my stomach, when I started to slowly realize where this story was heading.

"Mom was screaming for dad to just shoot him if he wanted to, saying that she'd be happier dead than with him anyway," Edward continued, with no emotion at all in his voice. I wondered how he could talk so matter-of-factly, as if he was explaining a plot from some movie or something. But I guess he had to. "I never heard what dad answered to her but I did hear the gunshot. And I did hear the thump when mom's body hit the floor. I could see her face from where I was. She was looking at me. I was about to scream but then she pressed her forefinger against her lips to keep me quiet. That was the last thing she ever did. I didn't make a sound. Dad called 911. And then he shot himself."

I was just staring at him when he had finished, tears quietly streaming on my cheeks. Edward was looking more okay than I was. I would have wanted to touch him, to comfort him in some way but I didn't know what to do. Because the moment he'd stopped talking there was this unreadable expression on his face and I couldn't tell if he wanted me there or not.

"So can you understand why I don't feel comfortable with you going back there?" Edward asked finally, a bitter edge in his voice.

I nodded, still too shocked to speak. And I wouldn't know what I'd said anyway.

"Hey don't cry," Edward said, wiping the tears away from my cheeks and smiling just a little, but it wasn't a real smile. Not real at all. "It's not all bad, I got a far better set of parents anyway, the second time around."

I would have wanted to say something to comfort him, but I still couldn't find the right words so I just leaned against his shoulder for a bit. After a while his body relaxed and he leaned against me too.

"I have to go," I said after a while. "Can you drive me back home now?"

"I could drive you to Alice's place," Edward suggested. "Or maybe to your aunt's place."

"Edward, please, drive me home," I said, except that I wasn't really asking, more like demanding.

Edward didn't say anything. I could have given in and let him take me to Alice's place, because I felt sorry for him. I was so close to doing exactly that, seeing the way he looked at me but I knew he would have hated that, me giving in just because I was pitying him.

"Okay, I can walk," I said and walked to the door.

I was already slamming the door shut when he came out and walked to his car, holding the door open for me. "Stubborn as always," he said, shaking his head. I climbed in.

When we were back outside my house it was almost like everything was back to normal, at least on the outside. Like it was just an ordinary morning and he wouldn't have just casually told me maybe his darkest secret. I think we were still only pretending, because inside I felt surprisingly numb, motionless. I couldn't believe that what he told had actually happened to him.

I wondered how Edward was feeling inside, but I guess there was no way of ever knowing.

I was already about to jump out of the car when Edward stopped, but then I pulled the door back shut and asked something I had been wondering since yesterday.

"Why did you care so much?" I asked.

"Cared about what?"

"Dad hitting me," I said. "I mean besides the obvious, father hitting daughter and stuff. Why did you get _so_ mad?"

Edward thought for a long time. I was starting to believe that he didn't even know the reason, when he finally answered. "I just don't like to see you hurt."

Dad was waiting for me in the kitchen when I went inside.

"Bella," he said the moment I walked in. He looked really miserable and hungover. "I'm sorry."

I just stared at him, blankly.

"Yesterday. I shouldn't have done that," he said. "But you were pissing me of and I was drunk. Can you forgive me?"

I stared at him some more and then calmly walked out of the room and upstairs. I heard him calling after me but I didn't turn.

Up in my room however, I didn't want anything more than to get out of here. Because now that I was finally alone, I had the time to think about what Edward had told me. And it was so horrible, I couldn't get the image out of my head, little Edward all scared under the table. It was playing over and over again in my head, just like a movie.

Except that it was real. Too real.

I curled up on my bed in a fetal position, wrapping my arms around myself. But it wasn't helping, I still felt so cold inside.

Finally I just grabbed my car keys, deciding that I'd go see Victoria. In any case it was already a while since I'd paid her a visit.

Fortunately Victoria was home and let me in with a wide smile. We sat on the kitchen table, drank coffee and Victoria told me about her work. It felt so normal, even though inside me everything was all wrong.

"Okay, what's up?" Victoria asked finally. I knew she would notice at some point that I wasn't all right.

"You wouldn't understand," I said. Because how could I even begin to tell her how I couldn't get Edward's face out of my mind, as he was telling me about his parents. How horrible it made me feel.

"Try me," Victoria said.

For a moment I almost did. But of course I couldn't tell her any of it, it was Edward's secret to keep, and now mine also, but it didn't belong to her. So instead I went for the easiest option. "Dad hit me."

Victoria looked truly shocked. I tried to explain it to her, how it was just a couple of times that it had happened. That it did feel bad, but it wasn't that bad really, how I got it mostly under control, but of course she didn't believe me.

"You don't have it under control," Victoria said in a little bit hysterical voice. "Of course you don't, you're a teenager, you're a child! Sometimes I just fucking hate him."

"Don't," I said. "Of course I'm mad at him, but it's okay. I should have known not to irritate him, I just do that sometimes. I'm sorry."

"Come live with me," Victoria said.

"What?" I asked, stunned, at how easy, simple she made it sound.

"Think about it. It could be so much easier," Victoria said. And I did think about it, no more fights, worrying about mom, doing the groceries shopping and cooking and cleaning and everything else than a teenager shouldn't be worrying about. No more fear.

I shook my head. "No way, I have to look after mom."

"Oh come on," Victoria sighed. "She's an adult; she should be able to take care of himself."

"Maybe, but she's not," I said. "I can't just leave like that."

"Yes you can! And that's exactly what you should do, by the way," Victoria insisted.

"No way," I said, letting her know that we were done with this subject.

She didn't push me anymore but from her expression I could read that she hadn't given up yet, she was just waiting for the right time.

I left soon after that and spent the rest of the day in Alice's place. First I wasn't going to tell her any of this, I thought she had enough to deal with her own problems, and when she asked if I was okay, I was going to just say I was tired or had a flu or something. But then I thought, wasn't that how our problems first started, when we weren't letting each other in and telling how we felt. Alice and I were supposed to tell everything to each other. That's how our relationship worked.

So instead I answered "I don't know," and then told her everything until this morning. But of course I couldn't tell even her about… about Edward.

"I told you, you were going to fall back in her bed soon enough," Alice smiled. "So are you two alright now then?"

I didn't know actually. "We had sex, doesn't mean we're suddenly totally in love and running off to Vegas to get married. But I guess it means I forgive him."

But I knew that the truth was that last night wasn't just sex. Or in a way it was just that, but it was the most emotionally loaded sex we'd ever had. Maybe the best.

Even though Alice couldn't really make things better, it was okay with her. She was a bit like plaster really, she couldn't make me heal, but she could cover the wound so that I couldn't see it.

xxx

I didn't see Edward at school the next Monday. Either he was avoiding me, or he was ditching for some other reason. Whatever the reason, his seat behind me in biology remained empty. I wouldn't have wanted to feel worried for him.

After school, when I was walking through the parking lot, I finally saw him. He had parked his Volvo right beside my car and was leaning against it, grinning like he had no care in the world.

"Didn't feel like going to school, then?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Nope."

"Right," I said, walking to my own car.

"Hey, Bella," Edward said. "Come to my place tonight."

I glanced at him for a moment. "I don't know if that's wise."

"You're still thinking about wise?" Edward asked in an amused voice.

"One of us has to," I said.

"But you're going to come anyway, aren't you?" Edward said and it wasn't really even a question.

For a moment I was going to deny it, but then I thought, what was the point of that? "Yeah," I sighed and jumped into my truck.

When I got home I was relieved to notice that dad was still at work. Mom was sleeping so I didn't have to deal with her either right now.

I went to kitchen and realized that someone had done the groceries shopping already. Probably dad as some apologizing gesture. Well, I wasn't going to forgive him, but I didn't complain about all the ready food. I put some frozen lasagna in the microwave and then brought it to my room. I tried to do some homework but it only made me realize how badly I had fallen out in all the school stuff. And we weren't even through the first semester of the junior year yet.

All in all I was happy that I got away from home and had something else to do than just sit in my room and worry.

Outside Edward's home I hesitated for a while before ringing the doorbell. I breathed in deeply and then pressed my finger against the bell.

Esme opened the door after a while. I was a bit taken aback, I don't know why, but I had kind of thought it would be Edward who opened the door.

"Um, hi," I said. For a second I thought about using the school project explanation, but I guess it wouldn't have worked again. "Edward said I could stop by tonight, so…"

"Oh, great," Esme said, smiling politely. "He's up in his room. You know the way, right?"

"Yes," I said a bit awkwardly as Esme let me in. "Thanks."

I could feel Esme following me with her eyes as I walked upstairs. I knocked on Edward's door before opening it.

"Oh, hi," Edward said turning around and turning the volume down on the music he was listening to.

"Hi," I sat on his bed a bit uneasily, folding my legs under me.

"You can choose the song if you want to," Edward said, moving to sit on the bed beside me. So close.

I shook my head. "I actually like this one."

"In that case," Edward said, leaned towards me and kissed me. First softly, then harder, more demanding. I would have wanted to drown in the kiss, but after a while I pulled away.

"Edward," I said, only a bit breathlessly.

"What?" He looked impatient.

"I'm just–" Suddenly I didn't know what to say. "What exactly are we doing?"

"Well, I was under the impression that we were kissing. Now we're not kissing anymore, though, we're sitting on the bed and talking."

"Not funny," I told him.

Edward sighed. "Look, I don't know; don't ask me. Why do we even have to know? Don't always think so much."

"I don't," I said. "But it's just confusing. I mean, what does Esme and Carlisle and everyone else think?"

Somehow I felt like this wasn't going right. Like one moment Edward was telling me about the darkest things in his life and the next it was like nothing had happened. I would have wanted to bring that up, but then again I didn't. I couldn't.

"Why should we care about what other people think? And why should we label us?" Edward asked, looking like he was frustrated at me.

This was so not the conversation I wanted to have with him. I didn't want to label either, that was scary, that would probably fuck everything up, but I was nervous and didn't know what to do and it was making me talk even though I didn't really know what I was trying to say.

"We don't have to label," I said. "I just want to know. I mean, where we are moving, this is just not going anywhere–"

"Why do you have to be so fucking complicating?" Edward interrupted me.

"It's not called complicated, it's called thinking," I snapped back, starting to get mad. "It's what normal people do."

"Right. Which one of us counts as normal?" Edward asked darkly.

"Why do you have to be so mean?" I asked sharply. We were quiet for a long time after I'd said that.

"I don't intend to be," Edward said then.

I looked up at him, but he wasn't looking at me, he was staring out of the window. We didn't say anything, just sat there listening to the music for a while.

"So can I just kiss you now without any conversations about our feelings?" Edward asked finally.

"I was going to say something rude back to him but I really wanted him to kiss me so I just said "Yeah."

I was still feeling mildly irritated but then Edward leaned to kiss me again and I forgot all about that. Then I was just feeling him again, his lips pressing against mine, his tongue in my mouth. Taking away the pain.

Soon he moved his lips on my neck, sucking lightly to make me moan just a bit. I wrapped my arms around him tight and we leaned down on the bed.

Soon I was already pulling Edward's t-shirt over his head.

We carried on like that for a moment. Some rational part of me would have liked to stop. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing and I think that was pretty dangerous. That's how people got hurt. But Edward always told me not to worry too much. So maybe I was worrying, maybe that was the problem.

Besides, what harm could one more time do, anyway? I _wanted_ Edward. I was going to have him. Did anything else really matter right now? I dropped Edward's jeans on the floor, as he opened my bra.

And how could you say no to something that felt so good anyway?

But then I remembered something. "What if your parents hear us?" I whispered into Edward's ear, I had already forgotten that they were in the house too. "Or what if they come up?"

"They won't," Edward said, kissing my neck first, then moved down.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, trying to keep my breath as even as I could. "Edward! Concentrate."

He removed his lips from my skin to look me in the eye. "They won't bother us. And this is a big house, they won't even hear anything. Unless if I make you scream, of course."

"Funny," I said in a sarcastic voice, even though I was laughing a bit.

After that I didn't even try to resist, though. I was tired of trying to keep everything in control, and with Edward, I didn't have to. That's what was so sweet about him. It was just Edward and me again. Our skins pressed against each other, legs intertwined, his mouth on mine. The way it was supposed to be.

Afterwards we lay still on his bed, side by side.

"I should go," I said finally.

"Don't," Edward said. "You can stay for tonight."

"What about Esme and Carlisle?" I asked, having trouble keeping my eyes open anymore.

"They're probably asleep by now," Edward mumbled sleepily, wrapping one arm around me. "They won't mind anyway."

"Okay," I yawned. After that neither of us said anything, because we were already asleep.

I woke up in the morning before Edward. We were sleeping close to each other, Edward's arm almost wrapped around me. I didn't know what to think about it, it was weird. When you were sleeping, you were at your most vulnerable. And to be so close to someone when you were at your most vulnerable, that was kind of intimidating, it had to be.

I got out of the bed and picked up my clothes from around the room, where they had been tossed last night. My bra was hanging from Edward's doorknob.

I put it on and looked at Edward. He turned around in his sleep, fluttered his eyelids like he was going to wake up, but then closed them again.

"What am I going to do with you?" I whispered.

I put on the rest of my clothes too and was wondering should I wake him up, when he opened his eyes.

"Morning sunshine," he grinned at me.

"We're going to be late for school, if we don't hurry," I said.

"School's for losers," Edward said as he sat up.

"Stop acting like such a bad guy," I said.

"Okay, okay. I'm coming," he sighed, pulling on his jeans.

"You could come again tonight," Edward said when we were at his car, driving to school.

"I don't know," I said.

"Oh come on." Edward rolled his eyes. "Can we get over the 'this is not going anywhere' shit already? Why does everything always have to go somewhere?"

"I was only going to say that I'm probably hanging out with Alice," I said, suddenly irritated at him. "But it would be fucking nice if you would sometimes listen if I want to discuss about something."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Edward asked.

"Nothing. It's impossible to try to talk to you," I mumbled.

"Oh come on. Why do you have to act so… _girly_?"

"_What_?" I turned to look at him. "Maybe because I am a girl, as you should know by now."

Edward sighed looking annoyed. That made me even madder. "I didn't mean that. I mean why do you have to suddenly become all that complicated?"

"Yeah, so I'm the one being complicated, just because you don't want to talk," I said as Edward parked in the school's parking lot. "It's always someone else's fault, right? Because you're just that perfect."

"What are you talking about, I didn't mean that!" Edward turned to look at me.

"Right," I said and climbed out of the car.

"Hey, what did I do wrong now?" he called after me, but I was already marching towards the school building and didn't turn back.

Why did he do that? Go in one minute from normal to total idiot. And why didn't he _get me_? Was it so hard to understand that I couldn't just keep doing that? I couldn't just keep having sex and fighting and then having sex again when I just didn't know. Especially now when… now that I knew about his past. I think he was pretending that he never told me about that and I hadn't had the courage to bring that up.

I had to sit down on one of the benches outside in the school yard as the realization hit me.

He had become important.

I didn't have any idea how that had happened. All this time, when I'd worked so hard to keep him at arm's length, he had just crashed into my life and now he was important to me.

It was just what I had been afraid of all along. That we would fight and it would all get messy and end up badly.

And the worst part was, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I mean even with all the fights and complications, there were the moments when it was good having him around. Like last Saturday when dad had hit me. Almost like he was keeping me from drowning. Or pulling me up when I was drowning. Or at least drowning with me.

"What's wrong?" Alice appeared from somewhere and sat beside me.

"Nothing," I said. "It's just… Edward."

"What has he done this time?" Alice asked looking worried.

"He hasn't done anything," I said. "It's just really weird. I spent the night at his house."

"Ooh," Alice said, looking at me with her eyes big. "What did you do?"

I shrugged. "Well first we kind of fought and then we had sex and then we fought again this morning."

Alice shook her head. "You two are the weirdest couple I've met."

"We're not a couple." I corrected her automatically.

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"I'm just saying," I muttered.

"Well, at least you two have a passionate relationship," Alice said, patting my shoulder.

"But I didn't ask for this!" I said. "For fuck's sake I was trying to stay away from him!"

"Bella, honey," Alice said in a serious voice. "In life, you don't always get what you ordered. And sometimes, that's a good thing."

I was going to say something to that, but I couldn't think of anything. And anyway that was when we had to go to the class.

After school I went to Alice's place for a while. Or I was going to go only for a while but when I got back home it was already getting dark.

I was surprised to see Victoria's car in front of our house. Usually Victoria didn't come to our place, because she and mom weren't really speaking. Well, maybe she just got worried when I told her about what happened this weekend. I shouldn't have told her, I thought as I got inside.

The kitchen door was almost closed; I was going to step in when I heard their voices. It seemed like Victoria and mom were fighting. I stepped closer but made sure they couldn't see me.

"She is my child, my child Vicky!" Mom was saying, it heard like she was really mad. "Don't you take her away from me now; you don't have the right to take her away. Remember when you didn't even dare to see her seventeen years ago? You can't take her away now!"  
>"I love her, Renee," Victoria said in a small voice. "I really do love her now."<br>I held my breath. Why were they talking about me like that?  
>"Well I love her too. More than anything. Sometimes I feel like she is the only thing keeping me alive. And she is <em>my child<em>."  
>Why did mom keep repeating that I was her child?<br>"And just so that you know, I'm not trying to take her away from you; I would never do anything like that." Victoria said.  
>"Like what? Like take someone away from me? Wouldn't be the first time."<p>

Suddenly Victoria rushed out of the kitchen so quickly she almost hit me with the door.

"Oh Bella," she cried out, looking startled that I was there.

"What were you fighting about?" I asked, following Victoria who was already walking towards the front door.

"Nothing," Victoria said, not looking at me.

"Hey, don't tell me it's nothing!" I was starting to get irritated. "You were fighting about me. And why did mom keep repeating that I'm her child?"

Victoria finally turned around to look at me. "I told her that I asked you to move live with me and she got all defensive."

"Why did you tell her that? Of course she got upset. It's like telling her that she's not a good enough mother," I told Victoria.

"Have you ever considered," she was speaking the words slowly, as if she had hard time controlling her emotions. "That maybe she's not."

"Oh come on!" I exclaimed. "Maybe she's not the perfect mother, but really whoever is?"

"But she's –"

"It's not her fault she got depressed if that's what you mean," I interrupted her.

"Look, I know she's doing the best she can," Victoria said, using her rational adult voice. "And I know she's not a bad mother. But we all know you'd be better off living with me for a while."

"I can't," I said quietly. "And we all know I can't."

"That's exactly what's twisted in this situation," Victoria said.

"By the way," I said when she was already turning back to the front door. "What is it that you've taken away from her?"

"What?" Victoria turned around to look at me.

"She said it wouldn't be the first time you've taken something away from her," I explained.

Victoria shrugged. "It's just old stuff. Not important."

Then she was out of the door before I had time to tell her that she wasn't fooling me; her expression gave away that it was something very important.

I sat down on the living room couch still thinking about mom and Victoria. I thought it was time for me to find out why they weren't speaking. I didn't know exactly how I was going to do it, but I felt like I needed to find out.

**A/N: So is anyone still reading this?**


	14. That's not your secret to tell

**A/N: I know, I know, it's been too long since I've updated! I definately haven forgotten this fic, just been awfully busy. Thanks for the reviews, they mean so much to me!**

**Hope you like this chapter and hope you're still reading! I'll try my best to get the next chapter here faster :)  
><strong>

14. That's not your secret to tell

**Edward's PoV**

It was almost amazing how in a couple of days everything could have changed and still life continued to go the way it did before. Pretending that nothing changed, everything was seemingly normal, it just felt different.

Last weekend, when I'd gone to visit Bella and then had suddenly found out all those things about her family, it had kind of changed the way I saw her. She was a bit messed up, really. I was sure she had no idea how broken she had been that Saturday night and I had no idea how I was supposed to react to that.

And later on I couldn't believe that I'd actually told her about… _that_.

Everything had changed.

And it was so fucked up, Bella and I… there was so much emotion between us, we could deny it all I wanted, but it was still there. Yet half of the time we had no idea what the other one thought or wanted or needed. We pushed and pulled at the same time. She shut me out and then told me her secrets and then pushed me away again. She was moving towards me and then out of my reach almost at the same time. We were so perfectly dysfunctional it was almost working.

If only we would have been different kind of people. More whole.

But I guess everyone's broken.

It was Wednesday afternoon and Emmett was coming over in a while. I pulled out my guitar as I waited for him and played a couple of songs I hadn't played in a while, just to remember if I still knew them.

But it was easy, the words and notes came from somewhere from the back of my mind instantly. I remembered the time Bella had first been in my room. She had looked at my guitar, asked if I would play her sometime, and I'd said maybe. Maybe I really would play her someday, you never know.

I wondered which song I would play for her, I couldn't think of any that would describe her exactly.

Emmett opened the door, without knocking of course.

"What's up, Eddie boy?" he asked, lay down on my bed and grabbed the guitar, playing the only few notes he knew.

"Nothing," I said, not bothering to mention about the nickname, he would never give it up, anyway. He only used it because it sounded so dumb. "But what's up with you and Rosalie?" Every time I'd had the change to ask he hadn't given me a direct answer. Just like now he shrugged and turned back to the guitar. "Just having fun, I guess."

"But do you actually like her?" I asked.

Another shrug. "Yeah, guess she is nice. I like hanging out with her."

"And does she want to just hang out with you?"

Emmet turned to look at me like the question had never before occurred to him. "I don't know, really. We don't talk much, we're too busy doing… other things."

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes. "Other things."

"Hey," Emmett said. "If I were you I wouldn't be judging anyone else's love life. Yours seem to be quite a mess."

"That's the way I like my life, haven't you noticed?" I grinned.

We hung out at my room for a while until Emmett got up. "Grab your booze, we should probably get going," he said.

"Where?" I asked.

"At the party Jessica is throwing," Emmett said like it was the most obvious thing.

"Jessica's throwing a party?" How come I didn't know?

"Yeah, because her parents are away. How come you didn't know?" Emmett asked. "Although she might intentionally not mention it to you, you're not exactly her favorite person right now."

"Why? Oh right, because she might have heard when I said that I didn't give a crap about her," I remembered. "Wops."

"Haha, you're pathetic," Emmett said as we got downstairs.

"That's why you love me," I winked at him.

"Of course babe," Emmett said in a fake girly voice and slapped me on the back of my head.

"Where are you two going?" Carlisle asked me as we were already going out of the door.

"At Jessica's place, she's throwing a party," I said. I considered lying to him, because they never approved parties at school nights, but lying to Esme and Carlisle always made me feel bad.

"It's a schoolnight," Carlisle frowned.

"Don't worry, Carlisle, I'll get him back before bedtime." Emmett gave Carlisle his impressing the parents –smile, before opening the door.

Carlisle looked like he wanted to say something more, but then he just sighed. "Be nice."

"Of course," Emmett called as we stepped out of the door.

We met Jasper at Jessica's place. It had taken quite a lot of convincing, threatening and blackmailing to get him to come, but here he was now. Looking horrible, tired and heartbroken, but here still.

"You can't stop living," I told him, once again, as we sat in Jessica's living room trying to avoid her.

"As if you would know anything about it," Jasper said. "You know you are probably right; better to never love someone. That way you can't get hurt."

"No! At least don't get bitter," I said, horrified. "We need our romantic, naïve, silly Jasper."

He didn't say anything to that and I looked over the room for Emmett. He'd disappeared as soon as he'd seen Rosalie. They were probably somewhere making out by now.

After a while Bella walked inside the room with Alice. Jasper's eyes got darker. A part of me would have almost wanted to go to Bella, but in a way I didn't want to. And anyway I couldn't leave Jasper alone.

"Fuck, I want her back so badly," Jasper muttered.

I sighed, I didn't know what to say. How could I have known how to help Jasper when I couldn't even figure out my own life? I didn't know a shit about anything.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

I wouldn't have wanted to go to that party tonight, but Alice insisted. And Alice can be pretty persuasive when she wants to. So that's why I was standing in Jessica's living room, feeling a bit tired already.

"Come on, cheer up," Alice tucked me on the shoulder.

I gave her a smile and turned to look at the corner where Edward and Jasper were.

"Go talk to him if you want to," Alice said when she noticed where I was looking. "I don't mind, I'm the one who made you come here in the first place."

I shook my head, remembering our argument with Edward yesterday morning.

"Oh, is this the part where you pretend that you don't care about him anymore?" Alice asked.

"I didn't mean that," I said.

"Yeah, but you thought about it," Alice said.

"Fine, fine. I'll talk to him later," I sighed. "At least let me get a drink first."

I didn't have the time to go find Edward though, because he found me first. It was later, after Alice had disappeared somewhere using some excuse about finding Angela, but I thought what she really wanted was to give me a chance to talk with Edward.

"Hi," he said, appearing from nowhere and wrapping an arm around my waist. I turned around to look at him, but he didn't let go of me.

Even though we hadn't talked since yesterday morning, when we'd kind of fought on the way to school, it was so hard resisting him now, after two drinks, when he was so close.

"Hi," I said back to him.

"Let's not fight anymore," Edward said.

"Okay."

He kissed me, not too long, but enough to make my head feel just a bit dizzier.

"Get a room," Jessica cried out as she walked past us. "Wait, no!" She turned around, looking disgusted. "Make sure it's not my bedroom."

Edward laughed as Jessica marched out of the room and I had to grin just a little bit too. Then his expression got more serious. "How are things with your family?"

"So _now_ we can talk about serious stuff, huh?"

"It was just innocent concern." Edward rolled his eyes like he thought I was overreacting.

"Fine," I said. "Thing are just fine with my family."

"Don't lie," Edward said.

"I'm not lying. Apart from the fact that I'm not speaking to my father, Victoria thinks I shouldn't live at home anymore and mom's pretty much loosing it, my family life is just fine." I smiled ironically.

Edward didn't seem amused though. "Maybe you really should consider–"

"Edward," I cut him out. "Please. Just, _please_, let's not talk about it right now."

Edward looked at me for a moment. I had the feeling he was going to object, but he must've known how I felt because then he just nodded.

The night went on and Alice seemed to be completely disappeared somewhere, so I just sat with Edward and drunk his booze.

I realized that I had drunk more than I should've, because standing up and acting normally started to become impossible.

"Oh shit," I growled at Edward. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Oh no." Edward looked horrified. "Don't throw up on Jessica's couch. She would be so pissed it wouldn't be even funny anymore."

"True," I said, gulping and trying to fight the nauseating feeling in my stomach. I swallowed down some more booze.

"Bella, are you serious?" Edward gave me a look. "You're already feeling sick!"

"It can help," I insisted. "Why else would people drink when they're hungover?"

"I don't think it works like that," Edward said.

"Shit," I groaned again, jumped up and run out of the door.

I turned to look at Edward after I'd thrown up in Jessica's mother's flowerbed. "I don't think it works like that either."

Edward chuckled and put an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, let's grab your jacket and get you home."

I was going to do just that, when Alice run out of the front door, stopping as she saw me. "Bella," she said, a bit drunk herself too, obviously. "You never guess what just happened."

"What?" I asked, leaning my body against Edward's. I was feeling cold and tired.

"Jasper. I talked with Jasper," Alice said. Her eye were shimmering, I thought it was tears. "We actually had a conversation. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, but then he didn't. But maybe he was going to. Maybe he will forgive me."

"That's great, Alice," I said in a small voice. "Can we talk about it tomorrow?"

"Oh, you look awful," Alice said, only now noticing.

"Yeah, it was so not a good idea to come to this party," I said. "Remind me to kill you tomorrow."

"Okay." Alice nodded seriously. "While your best friend is still alive, do you need a ride home?"

"She already has a ride home," Edward said firmly.

"Okay," Alice said.

We went inside and Edward let go of me. "Wait here, I'm going to get your jacket. Can you at least take care of her for that while?" Edward said to Alice then, not exactly in the friendliest voice.

"He's not very pleased with me," Alice said looking after Edward, as he went to find my jacket.

"I think he's just still mad that you hurt Jasper," I said. "Don't worry, if Jasper's going to forgive you, I'm sure he will too."

Alice was quiet for a moment. "Bella, you should really hold on to him tight," she said then.

"_What_?"

"He may be an occasional fuck up, but I saw how he just took care of you. He cares about you; I can see it in his eyes."

"You're just drunk," I denied, wrapping my arms around myself to keep me warm. "You can't read that kind of thing from his eyes."

"I know it's scary, but he really does," Alice said.

She didn't say anything more, because Edward came back and handed the jacket to me.

I almost fell asleep on the way more. Or passed out, whatever. That's why it took me so long to notice that we weren't even going home.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" I asked as Edward already pulled on his driveway. "You said you'd take me home!"

"Let's not shock your parents, you really do look horrible, darling," Edward grinned.

"No way." I shook my head. "I want to go home. They wouldn't even care and you know it very well."

"I said I would take you home and I did. I didn't say whose home." That jerk dared to look pleased with himself.

"But what if Esme and Carlisle are awake?" I asked as I reluctantly walked to the front door with him.

"They won't be." Edward opened the door.

"Edward Anthony Cullen!" Esme stood beside Carlisle in the hallway, hand on her hips. "Have you got a watch? Or are you just too drunk to read it?"

"Sorry, it took me so long. I just had to take care of Bella," Edward said, sounding perfectly sober and normal, holding me up with an arm on my waist. "I could hardly leave her alone."

I could feel myself turning red as Esme and Carlisle turned to look at me. I tried to look as sober as I could.

"Oh," Esme said.

"Are you alright?" Carlisle asked in a friendly voice.

"Yes, I'm just fine," I mumbled, not looking at them. "Edward just overreacted a bit."

"Can she stay for the night?" Edward asked, leading me towards the stairs.

"Of course," Esme said.

"It was his booze," I told them in an apologizing voice, as we got upstairs.

Inside Edward's room I jerked myself away from him and smacked him on the back of his head.

"What were you thinking? Bringing me here, you knew they were going to be waiting for you!" I was enraged. Worse actually, drunk and enraged.

"Sorry," Edward just said.

"Well you don't look sorry. What? Did you really just bring me here so that it wouldn't look so bad you were late?"

It took him too long to answer.

"You fucker." I struggled to keep my voice low, so that Esme and Carlisle wouldn't hear. "Didn't you think what kind of impression it would give to them? I wouldn't be surprised if they were calling the child welfare centre. You're and idiot!"

"No, it wasn't like that. I really wanted to take care of you; it was just a nice coincidence, that you saved me from them too. Think about it, rather you than me anyway, they can't ground you."

"You're unbelievable, selfish dick," I said, taking of my shirt.

Edward stared at me as I took off my jeans too and threw them on the corner of the room. "Does that turn you on?"

"I'm going to sleep!" I said, in a furious voice and went to his bed. "And you're sleeping on the floor."

"Bella, please," Edward sighed. "Sorry."

"Your parents hate me," I said, my back at him, digging myself under the covers.

"They don't," Edward said, carefully placing one hand on my shoulder. Suddenly I was too tired to throw it off. "Esme likes you. Besides, you told them it was my booze, so it didn't really work out anyway."

"I'm glad," I said. Apparently I didn't sound mad enough, because Edward got in the bed too, wrapping his arms around me.

"Didn't I tell you you're sleeping on the floor?" I said, but my voice was more tired than angry now.

"Please," Edward said softly, kissing my neck.

"That's not fair," I sighed, closing my eyes.

Edward pulled me close to him. "Life is not always fair," he whispered.

"I'm still mad," I said, just to make it clear.

"You're not very good at it," he pointed out.

"I know," I said.

xxx

In the morning Edward's arms weren't around me anymore. We were sleeping close to each other, but barely touching.

My head was aching like hell. The nausea was also back but thank God not as strong as last night. I closed my eyes again, trying to make it all go away.

I opened my eyes as a weird thought occurred to me. This was the first time I'd spent the night with Edward without having sex with him.

That was scary, almost like this was a real relationship or something.

I jumped out of the bed quickly and stood by the window. I felt like I needed to get away from here. It was all too much too soon. I quickly put on my jeans and t-shirt and was just considering sneaking out when Edward opened his eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked, yawning.

"I was about to go to school, we are already late, I might point out."

"Oh come on, just wait a sec, I'll drive you," he said. "Shit, my head hurts."

"You think _your_ head hurts?" I asked in a sarcastic voice. I was trying not to concentrate on my hangover, in case it just left if I ignored it.

"Don't blame me," Edward said as he got up.

"I blame your booze," I said.

"Okay."

"And I still haven't forgiven you last night," I said, just in case that wasn't clear.

"Of course not," Edward said.

We went downstairs were Esme was waiting for us in the kitchen with breakfast ready.

"You must be hungry," she said to us as we went downstairs. "Bella, how are you feeling?"

"Fine. I'm sorry," I mumbled, my face turning all red again.

"We're already late for school," Edward said.

"Sit down," Esme said. "I give you the permission to be late this time. Eat."

I didn't feel like eating, but Esme wouldn't let us go until we'd eaten something. And it turned out she was right since I started to feel a bit better after I'd had some food in my empty stomach.

"I'm really sorry. I don't usually behave that way," I said to her. "It's just that Edward insisted. He practically poured the booze down my throat.

"I see," Esme said rising her eyebrows at Edward. I didn't know if she believed me or not but knowing Edward she must know that he wasn't all that innocent himself.

"Don't lie," Edward said to me.

"You deserved it," I mumbled as we stepped out of the front door. "Consider us even now."

The school day was pretty much horrible. Even three painkillers later my head was hurting. Because I'd gone to school straight from Edward's place I didn't have half of the books or homework with me, and teachers kept bitching about it. So all in all I was very glad when the last class was finally over.

Alice gave me a ride home since I didn't have my own car with me. She asked if I wanted to come to her place but I shook my head and told her I'd just go to sleep as soon as I got home.

"You could call Jasper, though," I said as she stopped the car in front of my house.

"I don't know if I can," she said.

"Of course you can. You never know if you don't try," I said.

"As if I haven't tried." She sounded stressed out. "I've tried everything."

"I know," I said, giving her a hug. "Just take it slow, okay? Things will work out."

I opened the door and stepped inside, praying that mom and dad hadn't arranged a new scene for me to calm down. I really couldn't take it right now.

Dad was in the living room, the sports channel was open, but he was hardly watching. He had an empty bottle on the couch table. Somehow I remembered how before he'd only mostly drunk beer, but now he never drunk anything else than hard liquor. That should be concerning to anyone, I though. I was about to go upstairs to see if mom was in the bedroom when dad turned to look at me.

"Where were you?" he asked in an accusative voice.

"At school," I answered in the rudest voice I could manage while being this tired. I still hadn't forgiven him that he'd hit me.

"No. I meant last night," he said and got up. I could see that he was in the mood to pick up fights. I was also a bit surprised that he'd noticed my absence.

"I was staying with a friend," I said. "It's not really your business."

"I am your father," he shouted. "That makes it my damn business!"

I startled a bit at his loud voice and took a step back. "Actually, I don't think it does," I said not letting it show that he'd scared me. "It might concern you if you were a real father, the kind who cares about his child and doesn't always just hurt her. But it's already too late now. It's far too late."

"You don't know what you're talking about," dad spluttered. "You don't have any idea what I've done for you."

"What are you even talking about?" I asked. "You haven't done anything. At least mom cares about me. At least she tries her best, unlike you."

Dad bursted into a drunken laughter. "The irony of this is that you don't have any fucking idea – any fucking idea about any of this."

"What do you mean?" I asked. He was really freaking me out right now.

"You don't have any idea," dad was laughing like it was the funniest thing he'd heard in a long while. I just couldn't see anything funny about this at all. "You don't even know who – you don't even know your mother."

"Of course I know her, I've been living with her for seventeen years," I said in a slightly hysterical voice. "Do you know her better then? Do you have any idea how she's feeling?"

"You don't know–"

"Charlie." Mom had appeared at the end of the stairs. Her voice was surprisingly firm. She was white as a ghost. "Shut up now."

"Don't you think she has the right to know?" Charlie was looking at mom now. Straight in the eye.

"That's not your secret to tell." Mom looked scary; I'd never seen her look like that. And I could see that in that moment there was something going on between them, that I was completely outside. Like a secret agreement or something. I looked from mom to dad and back wondering what the hell was going on.

"What are you talking about?" My voice was just a whisper. "What is it that I should know?"

"Nothing," mom said, she gave dad one more look and then almost run up the stairs. I wondered what she was running from, dad or my questions or herself.

Dad gave me a weird look that I couldn't read at all and returned to the couch.

"What's going on here?" I exclaimed in a frustrated voice but no one answered.

I grabbed my back and run up the stairs too. I went to the parent's bedroom. Mom was lying on the bed, her eyes closed.

"What were you talking about?" I asked softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "And don't say it's nothing."

"It's just old stuff," she finally opened her eyes. "It has nothing to do with you."

I gasped. "You're lying!" I could see it in her eyes. In the way she was looking at me. I was actually pretty good at reading her. "It does have something to do with me."

"Bella, _please_." Mom sounded really weird. I had a terrible feeling in my chest, like something was wrong. Like I was really close to revealing something big, something that was just out of my reach.

"Dad said something that I don't even know my mom. What does he mean? Why wouldn't I know you?" Maybe it was something she'd done. I just didn't have any idea what it could be.

"Bella, I don't know. He was drunk." She tried to sound careless, but I could see the pain in her eyes.

"But you know what he's talking about. It's something you haven't told me and it has something to do with me, right?"

I _was_ right, I could see that now. She looked absolutely horrified and I hated to push her when she was already feeling bad, but I felt like I had to know. It was important.

Mom shook her head, tears silently spilling over her eyes. "Forget about it. Bella, please forget about it."

"I can't." I said. It was true. "Mom. What is it that I don't know about you?"

"It's nothing," she was crying openly now. "It's nothing about me. I was just trying to protect our family. I always tried to hold us together."

"What is it about me, then?" I asked.

She was quiet.

"Tell me mom." She closed her eyes again. "I'm going to find out sooner or later," I told her and went to my room.

There I grabbed my cell and called Alice. She picked up after three rings.

"So you weren't in the mood for a nap after all, then?" she asked.

"Alice, something's going on." I was surprised how freaked out I sounded. "With my parents."

"What is it?" Alice sounded immediately alert. "Did your dad hurt you again?"

"No, not like that." I was quiet for a moment as I tried to find the words to tell her. This whole thing was actually hard to explain."They're just acting weird. Dad was drunk and he told me about something, but then he didn't, because mom kind of stopped him."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I could almost hear Alice frowning at the other end of the line.

"I don't even have any idea myself," I said sounding almost hysteric. "But I think it's important. Something that happened a long time ago, but is affecting me. Does that make any sense?"

"No," Alice said. "Calm down. If you think it's important, we'll figure it out."

"I don't see how we can," I sighed.

"Hey, I have an idea," Alice said. "If it's something that's happened a long time ago, maybe you should ask Victoria. I mean she's the one person we know who's known them for long time."

"Yeah, but whatever it is what if it happened before she moved to Forks? And besides, mom might well not have told her," I said.

"Well, you can't lose anything by asking, can you?" Alice pointed out.

"I guess you're right," I agreed. "I'll have to pay her a visit, then."

**A/N: So _is_ anyone still reading this? If you are please leave a comment and let me know! :)**


	15. Let's run away

**A/N: Thank you _Cupcake_, I'm so glad to hear that!  
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**Some reviews would be more than welcome... Just saying... ;)**

**Enjoy!  
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15. Let's run away

**Bella's PoV**

I had this restless feeling in my chest as I drove to Victoria's place. Everything seemed a bit off; my life seemed a bit off.

I couldn't stop thinking about the secret my parents were keeping. There was no doubt there was a secret, I just didn't have any idea what it was. And maybe it sounded stupid but I got the feeling that somehow that secret was the reason why our family was so messed up. Or at least part of the reason. I'd never really stopped to wonder why mom got depressed. Or why dad started drinking? They were just those things that were and it didn't even occur to you to wonder why. Well, not until now. But why did they really have such a broken relationship?

Why dad didn't like me?

Victoria looked surprised but pleased to see me as she opened the front door. I followed her inside and sat down on the living room couch. She came after me with two steaming mugs of tea. She gave me the other one and sat beside me.

"Why do you look so weird?" Victoria asked. "Is it something about your parents again?"

"Yes," I said. "They're keeping a secret from me."

"What do you mean?" Victoria frowned.

"I don't know. They're just being really weird. I mean weirder than usual." I put my tea mug down on the table and tried to think about how I should explain it to Victoria "And dad said something to me – we were fighting and he told me something how I didn't even know my mom."

Victoria looked worried but didn't say anything so I kept going and repeated the conversations I'd had with mom and dad as strictly as I remembered them.

After I'd finished Victoria still kept quiet and just stared at her tea mug.

"You must know something about it," I said finally.

Suddenly Victoria had the exactly same look on her face than mom. The scared, anxious look that made it clear she was hiding something. "I don't know."

I stared at her in disbelief. "Oh no, not you too. Why is it that suddenly everyone is lying and keeping secrets and no one thinks that I deserve to know anything? I thought I could trust you; that you at least would tell me what's going on."

"I don't–" Victoria started, but I interrupted her.

"Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about," I sounded furious, "because you do. At least admit that you do."

She nodded silently and I could see that there were tears in her eyes. "I still can't tell you anything," she whispered.

"Victoria?" I asked as a thought occurred to me. "Does it have something to do with why you and mom aren't speaking to each other?"

She didn't say anything but she wouldn't look me in the eye either.

"You know we're just all trying to protect you," she said after a long silence. "In the best way we can think of."

"Well, haven't any of you considered that I'm a big girl now, maybe I don't need protection anymore?" I tried to make my voice sharp and strong, but mostly I just felt confused and anxious. I didn't have any idea what Victoria was talking about. I just couldn't collect the pieces, it didn't make any damn sense.

Victoria looked really sad. And nervous. "Whatever this is you're keeping from me, I should know it," I said finally.

"It all happened a long time ago," Victoria said.

"Well then it's been a secret far too long," I said. "I need to find out. And why else would dad have brought it up – even if he was drunk – after all this time. It means something."

Victoria closed her eyes; it looked like she was having a nervous breakdown. "I knew this would happen. I knew you'd grow up and start asking questions," she whispered so quietly I could barely hear her. "I just wasn't prepared to it so soon."

I only now noticed that my heart was beating so loud it might've jumped out of my chest. It felt almost like I was watching a thriller and was just about to find out who was the murderer. Except that really I didn't have any idea what was going on.

"I think you should go now," Victoria said.

"_What?_" She'd never done that before, pushed me away like that. I always felt welcomed at her home. Now I just felt shut out.

I'm sorry. Let's talk more later." Victoria looked exhausted.

"What's wrong with all of you," I said, trying to make an eye contact but she wouldn't look at me.

I waited but when she didn't say anything anymore, I understood that I could insist all I wanted, she wouldn't tell me anything.

"I thought that I could trust you," I said as I stood up.

She didn't say anything so I just walked out of the room and out of the door.

I couldn't think clearly on the way back home. I pulled over on the driveway and stepped inside the house. I was about to go to the living room when I heard mom and dad talking. I hesitated for a while, not wanting to step in the middle of a fight again. I was surprised to hear that they weren't actually fighting, but more like _whispering_. Thinking about it now, I didn't even remember the last time I'd heard them talking to each other without a fight.

I leaned closer to the door. I was pretty sure they were talking about me.

"We promised not to talk about it, ever again." Mom's voice was just a quiet, intense whisper.

"Calm down," dad said. "I already said I'm sorry. But it doesn't matter anyway. She's never going to guess anyway. She doesn't have any idea."

Any idea about what?

"What if Victoria tells her something?" mom said, now her voice sounded just bitter.

"Why would she do that?" dad asked.

"Because she loves her now!" Mom sounded suddenly completely hysterical. "And it's not fair. Because seventeen years ago she said that Bella was mine to keep. It's not fair! None of this is fair."

I felt kind of dizzy. Something about the way she talked about me, it was disturbing. Like she was trying to prove I was her child, but why would she have to prove that? And what did Victoria have to do with this?

"I know it's not fair." Dad sounded so weird, I'd never heard him like that, kind of resigned. "But there's no point in whining about it now? We can't change anything."

"Whining?" mom asked in a furious whisper. "Do you have any idea…? I've just tried to keep this family together and you don't have any idea what kind of sacrifices I'd have to make. But to call that whining –"

"I'm sorry." Dad interrupted her.

"That's not enough," mom said and her voice was cold.

"That's all I have."

They were both quiet now and after a while mom let out a sobbing noise.

I stepped inside the living room and they both looked equally startled to see me. Mom was trying very hard to hold herself together and look like a second ago she wasn't just crying.

I didn't say anything to them, just went straight upstairs. I needed to think.

Up in my room I fell down on my bed and closed my eyes. It felt like the day had lasted forever. Like everything had changed and I didn't even know why. A while ago I had been full of adrenaline but now I was only exhausted.

I was so close; I knew I was so close to figuring out what this was all about. But I couldn't keep my eyes open, even though my mind was buzzing with thoughts.

At some point I must have fell asleep, but I only noticed it when I suddenly startled awake. I sat up, rubbing my face and trying to even my breath. The clock was a little over one AM.

I leaned against the cold wall, trying to sort out my thought. I felt weird; my heart was beating so loud it was almost like it wanted to jump out of my chest. Even though a minute ago I had been asleep, now I was full of adrenaline.

It was the dream I'd seen. Or I didn't even know if it was a dream. But if I put together all the pieces –

There was a way the puzzle would make sense.

"That's so stupid," I told myself. It couldn't be true. Sure, for some reason mom, dad and Victoria where all acting weird, but there had to be some other explanation. And explanation that would actually make some freaking sense.

But still I found myself getting up from the bed and tiptoeing downstairs. The house was dark and quiet; mom and dad must have gone to bed.

When I was downstairs I was ready to go right back up again. This was ridiculous. Me sneaking around in my own house like in some fucking crime investigation TV-series.

But once I got the idea in my head, I couldn't stop wondering…

I kneeled down in front of the drawers in the corner of the living room and opened the first one with shaky hands. It was the place where mom kept all her important documents and I was pretty sure I would find what I was looking for there.

And after I'd assured myself that this stupid, ridiculous, impossible idea I'd had wasn't true, I'd just feel stupid for a bit and then go back to sleep.

I went through the papers and was already giving up and accepting that mom had lost it or put it somewhere else, when I found it. A little worn out piece of paper, right at the bottom of the drawer. My birth certificate.

"This is absolutely ridiculous," I muttered to myself as I picked up the paper and eyed through it.

I read dad's name at the bottom of the page and glanced at my mother's name next. But that was when I felt the nausea hit me.

Because the name written in there was definitely not the one I had been expecting.

xxx

**Edward's PoV**

Emmett, Jasper and I were hanging out at my room after school. It felt so normal, like before when things were so much easier. _Before Bella_, I found myself thinking. Back when at least at times my life felt like it was under control.

But then again, if I was honest to myself, I couldn't remember the last time my life had felt like it was under control. I wondered if it had ever been under control.

"Edward, quit thinking about Bella before Jasper and I get jealous," Emmett said punching me on the shoulder so that I almost fell out of the bed because I wasn't prepared.

"I wasn't," I lied, but I didn't even know why I bothered. I turned to look at Jasper who sat at my desk and looked possibly even more absent-minded than me, if it was possible.

"What is _wrong_ with you two?" Emmett exclaimed, looking frustrated. "Hey, guess what, I got a girl too. And I don't go completely crazy about her, keep thinking about her twenty four seven, so that I can't even have a _normal conversation_ with other people because I keep getting lost in my thoughts and look like a complete idiot from some romantic comedy. Hey, guys, it's pathetic."

Jasper and I put on our regretful faces. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"What happened to you? Do you even remember when we promised to never fall for a girl?" Emmett asked.

"Um, Emm, we were eleven then," Jasper pointed out.

"Whatever. Bros before hoes and all that shit, remember?" Emmett said.

I rolled my eyes and picked up a bottle I'd hidden behind my bookshelf. We all took couple of shots to lift up the mood a little. Yeah, drinking at school nights really wasn't the cleverest thing to do, but few shots wouldn't harm anyone.

"So," I started, after Emmett threw the bottle back to me. "How's it going with you and Rosalie?"

Emmett shrugged. "I don't know, she's nice, I guess."

"Wow, could it be, that Emmett McCarty actually _likes_ a girl?" Jasper asked in a sarcastic voice.

"I didn't say that," Emmett said but the weird thing was that he did look a bit bothered.

"Shit, what's happened to us?" I exclaimed.

Jasper laughed a bit bitterly. "I really don't know."

We hang out for a while and took a couple more shots before Emmett and Jasper left. I hid the bottle back behind the shelf and we went downstairs, where Esme and Carlisle where sitting in the kitchen.

"Edward," Carlisle called after I'd said goodbye to Emmett and Jasper.

"Yeah?" I leaned against the kitchen doorway.

"Would you like something to eat?" Esme asked. I noticed that they both looked a bit uneasy.

"Nope, I already ate earlier," I said a bit warily, wondering what I'd done this time to make them look like that.

"Sit down for a minute Edward," Carlisle asked using his firm yet friendly voice.

"What?" I asked sitting at the edge of my chair.

"Do you know what's the time?" Esme asked. I frowned, what did that had to do with anything?

I glanced over at the clock on the wall. "It's quarter over ten."

"Exactly," Carlisle said. "And it's a school night. And Emmett and Jasper only just left."

"Oh, this is about that," I said. "It hasn't bothered you before that they were staying late. Besides how do you know that we weren't just doing homework together?"

"You weren't doing homework," Carlisle sighed.

"And it's not just about that," Esme said.

"They called from your school today," Carlisle said.

"_What_?" As far as I knew I hadn't done anything _that_ bad lately. "Why would they call you?"

"Well, apparently you've been cutting classes quite a lot these couple of weeks and your grades have dropped too."

"Oh," I said. It was true. Lately I'd been too preoccupied to even pay any attention that my grades were dropping.

"We thought it was a good opportunity to you, a fresh start," Carlisle exclaimed. "But if you're going to start acting like in Phoenix… We don't know what to do anymore."

"Look, I'm sorry and I'll start paying more attention to school," I said and started to leave.

"Sit down Edward," Esme said, raising her voice. It wasn't often that Esme raised her voice. "That is not good enough."

"Listen, Edward, why don't you just ever let us in on your life?" Carlisle sounded really stressed out. "I know there are probably lots of things taking your attention right now, with Bella and everything but – "

"Hey, that has nothing to do with Bella," I said. "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like?" Carlisle almost cried out. "It's not like we haven't noticed, Edward. You two are not just friends. But you both still have to pass high school, even if you are in love – "

"We are not in love," I said, raising my voice now. "And besides, what do you want me to do? I already said I'll try."

"It's not good enough," Esme said in a firm voice. "You're grounded."

"What? You can't just ground me without any warning," I said, standing up.

"Oh yes we can," Carlisle said. "We're your parents."

"Yeah, _right_," I said, rolling my eyes. I knew it was playing dirty, but they were playing dirty too, with grounding me without any warning.

"Okay, and while we're at it," Esme stood up and looked more determined than I'd seen her in a while. "If this is about your biological parents, it'd be better if you just talked about it with someone. There are people that can help."

Carlisle shot Esme a warning look and I took a step back. "Okay, don't even start about that," I said, almost yelling. "And don't always pull my parents in a fight, it's not about that."

Carlisle rubbed his face with his palms. "Edward, just help us understand – "

"There is nothing to understand," I exclaimed, already turning around to leave the room. "And I don't want to talk about it."

"Well we do," Esme said, smacking her palm on the table.

"There is nothing to talk about," I cried out. "Why don't you just leave me be and accept that I'm growing up and don't maybe want to talk about everything with you."

"Well, if you think that's grown up behavior, you're so wrong," Carlisle said.

"Fine, whatever," I said and walked out of the kitchen.

"Edward!" Esme called after me. "Come back right now!"

I didn't turn around.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

I didn't sleep that night. Not at all. First I felt completely panicked, like I was drowning and I didn't know what to do. Because there wasn't any reasonable explanation why Victoria's name would be on my birth certificate.

I lay on my bed clutching the paper in my hand as the hours ticked by. My thoughts were all tangled up and I felt sick in my stomach.

There had to be some kind of explanation, there just _had to_ be. But it didn't feel like it. A part of me wanted to go wake up mom immediately and demand some kind of explanation, but I was too scared to do that.

So I just lay in my bed and listened to the clock ticking by and the humming of our old house. It was five AM when I heard mom wake up and walk downstairs. I knew it was mom, because I recognized her footsteps on the stairs.

I stood up and forced myself to walk downstairs, even though I felt a bit like throwing up.

Mom was standing by the kitchen sink, holding a glass of water. I stared at her for a while before she turned around.

"Oh Bella," she said, looking a bit startled. "I didn't know you were up already."

I kept staring at her, realizing how different my eyes were from hers. Hers were this kind of tired, faded color; mine were deeper brown, more like Victoria's actually…

"Bella, you look weird," mom said warily.

I slowly put the birth certificate on the table and moved it towards mom, since I couldn't say the words out loud. Mom took a step towards the table to look at the paper and the moment she saw it, her face turned completely white.

"Bella," she whispered. "Let me explain, please, I…"

"Yeah, I was kind of hoping you would explain," I said and even I could hear the hysteria in my voice. "There just has to be some kind of explanation why your name isn't in there, right?"

Mom took a step towards me, and I automatically stepped back. "Yes, there is an explanation, Bella, just please…" She didn't seem to know what to say. "I _am_ your mother."

"Then why does that sound like a lie?"

"Let me explain," mom repeated, grabbing my hand. I pulled it away and moved to the other side of the table.

"Then explain already!" I shouted.

"I," she started, but the words seemed to be stuck in her throat.

"Oh my God!" I yelled and sat down in one of the chairs, because my knees went so totally, completely weak. It was like the whole room was spinning around me, like actually _spinning around_. "Stop lying! You've been lying all this time, haven't you? And that's why you've all been acting so weirdly, you were just worried that I would find out." My voice sounded completely hysterical now.

"Bella, it's not like that," mom whispered.

"Then tell me what it's like!" I shouted and hit my fist on the kitchen table so hard my hand hurt.

Mom just stood there in her nightdress, tears on her cheeks, looking maybe more pathetic than I'd ever seen her and suddenly I hated her. I couldn't stand looking at her. Why did she always have to be so weak? Why did she always use excuses and lies and pills to escape the reality? Well, it wasn't fair because everyone else had to still live in this same shit she couldn't handle.

"You're unbelievable. How could you?" I was yelling again as I stood up from the chair, even though I wasn't entirely sure if I could still stand up. "How could you do that? To your own daughter! No, wait, to your sister's daughter." Saying those words out loud made me almost throw up.

"Bella, you have every right to be mad, but I just hope you'd understand –" mom said , but I cut her out.

"How could I understand? I don't even want to understand. You're pathetic, you disgust me," I yelled, shaking my head. "Do you know why I took care of you all these years; do you know why I cared? Because I thought I was your daughter, I thought you loved me!"

"Of course I love you, Bella, I am your mother, in every other sense of the word." She was now sobbing so hard it was difficult to even understand what she was saying.

"You are not my mother! A real mother would never lie to me like that!"

"But she did. Victoria lied to you, just as much as we did."

That was of course true. And that meant that every single one of the adults in my life I'd trusted, at least to some level, had betrayed me and lied to me my whole life. Basically my whole existence was a one big lie.

"I _hate_ you," I cried out as I run upstairs. I couldn't look at her anymore. "I fucking hate you all."

"Bella, don't say that, you're just mad," mom ran after me, trying to grab my hand, but I jerked free.

"Don't fucking touch me," I yelled as I run to my room and to my closet.

"What are you doing?" mom asked, sounding terrified.

"I'm leaving, of course," I shouted. Somehow I couldn't stop screaming, once I'd started. I pulled my old backbag from my closet and started to stuff it with anything that reached my hand, clothes, underwear, toothbrush, anything.

"Bella, what are you doing? Please stop, let's talk."

"I don't have anything to say to you anymore! Oh except one thing." I turned to look at her. "What made you think that you'd be a better mom than she? How would you ever think so?"

"You don't know what it was like, she didn't want you."

It did hurt hearing that. Luckily I'd already packed the backbag so full there wasn't space for anything else. "That is no excuse for lying. If you call yourself my mom, I don't know how anyone could lie like that to their daughter."

I walked past her out of my room.

"You're not really leaving, right? You can't, Bella!" Mom screamed trying to grab me again, but I was faster.

"Right, and why? Because you two are not able to take care of yourself? Well, it's time you do some fucking growing up then."

"That's not what I meant –"

"I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna see you ever again," I yelled, and slammed the door shut.

As soon as I shut the door behind me I felt like collapsing right on the front porch and never moving again. But I had to keep going. I just kept walking, even though I didn't have any idea where I was going.

I didn't really know how long I kept walking, probably only for like ten minutes but it felt more like forever. Only later I realized that if I was going to run away from home it might have been cleverer to take the car, rather than literary _run_ away. But I was too shocked to think about that then.

I just kept going, put one foot before the other, knowing that the moment I would stop it would all just hit me and I would shatter to pieces and then there would be no going back. I picked up my phone – thank God I had remembered to take it with me – and called Alice.

She didn't pick up.

The phone just kept ringing and finally went to voice mail. Given that it was six in the morning it shouldn't have been a surprise that she didn't pick up, but somehow I felt betrayed. Like she should have been there because I needed her, but of course it was stupid, because she was asleep and just wouldn't hear her phone. But I was kind of out of options.

Even though I guess my mind was still in shock and not working at all, my subconscious mind worked, and so that's why I found myself at Edward's door.

I didn't even stop to think before I rung the doorbell. After a while Carlisle opened the door, awake and fully dressed. Maybe he was already going to work or something.

"Oh, Bella," he said looking more than a bit surprised. "That's a bit early time for a visit."

"I know and I'm sorry to bother you," I said breathlessly. "And I think that you probably question my mental health and maybe not in vain, but this is kind of an emergency and I really need to see Edward."

From his expression I saw that he clearly did have doubts about my sanity but after a while of hesitation he gave me a friendly but concerned smile and let me in.

"He's probably asleep but if it's that important I'm sure he won't mind you waking him up," Carlisle said. I realized that he was actually really nice to me, even though I'd already showed up at his house once completely wasted and now just appeared at his doorstep at six AM. "Bella, is everything all right?" He asked when I was already on my way upstairs.

"Yeah, sure," I said, trying to sound okay and probably failed miserably.

"You know it might be weird, with me being Edward's father," he started, looking at me straight in the eye. "But remember that I'm also a doctor and if you ever want to talk about something, anything, confidentially, you know where to find me."

"Thanks," I said, really meaning it. It made me feel a bit better, him being so nice to me, even though he could have just told me that Edward was sleeping and told me to go home.

I opened Edward's door slowly. He was sleeping on the edge of his bed and had tossed the cover away, wearing only light blue pajama bottoms. I wouldn't have wanted to wake him up, because he looked so calm and peaceful in his sleep.

I took a few steps towards him and that's when he opened his eyes. He rubbed his face and yawned, then focused his eyes on me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked in his sleepy voice. Then I guess he saw the expression in my voice, since he frowned and sat up. "Is everything okay?"

Suddenly I was unable to speak. I guess that was finally when it all hit me. The whole awfulness of this. I just shook my head and a small, miserable sob escaped my lips, even though I hated crying, especially in front of people. But I guess this was an exception.

Edward pulled me on the bed, close to him. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Everything," I whispered, and a few tears escaped my eyes.

"Look at me." Edward grabbed my chin gently to make me look at him in the eye. "What happened?"

Edward's voice was so intense and his hands so light and gentle on my face that it made me want to cry even harder. It took me a long time to tell him the whole story and by the time I was finished my face was all soaked in tears.

Edward stared at me and I could see the look of disbelief in his face too. "But, I don't understand… Victoria is really your mother? That's so crazy, like from some soap opera, these things don't really happen."

That of course made me cry even harder. "Shit, I'm sorry," Edward said, looking kind of helpless. I got it, since he'd never seen me like this before. Shit, I was sure even I hadn't seen me like this before.

"They've all been lying to me," I whispered, looking at Edward. "All my life."

"I know," Edward said. "What are we going to do?"

"I think I just ran away from home," I said quietly, pointing at my backbag.

"Oh," Edward said.

"I can't go back home. I can't face mom and dad or… Victoria," I said, looking at Edward, completely horrified. I didn't even want to think about her. "And I can't go to school; I can't just pretend that nothing's happened."

"Of course," Edward said, touching my cheek lightly. He'd never touched me quite like that, so lightly, as if he didn't know if he was going to break me. But it didn't matter; I was already broken beyond repair. "That doesn't leave us many options."

"Let's run away," I said in a husky whisper.

"Why not," Edward simply said.

"I wasn't exactly serious," I said, almost feeling like smiling, but I couldn't form that kind of expression on my face right now.

"Come on, why not? Kids do it all the time," Edward said, actually sounding excited. "And we have nothing to lose. I'm starting to think it's about time for a change of scene."

"That's crazy," I said, tucking Edward's hair a little. "We can't just suddenly run away."

"Why not?" Edward said, kissing me softly. "I thought you said you already did."

"True, but –"

"Bella, run away with me," Edward said, grinning a little and wiping away the tears from my cheeks.

I sighed and Edward pulled me in for a tight hug and held me for a long time. "Okay," I whispered into his ear.

**A/N: So, did you guess the big secret? :D  
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	16. Fuck them all

**A/N: _Vanguish13, IloveEAcullen, Sylvia Cullen _and_ EvangelineHale _thank you so much for reviwing! It means so much to me and your comments really inspire me to write :)**

**Here's the next chapter, hope you're all still reading. I had fun with this one, so enjoy!**

**And don't forget to review! :)  
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16. Fuck them all

**Bella's PoV**

This had no doubt been the craziest 24 hours of my life. My life had never before felt less like my life and more like a complete disaster. Edward was still driving and I sat on the passenger seat. It was a long time since we'd spoken. After a few ineffectual attempts of conversation Edward had just turned on the radio and kept quiet.

I closed my eyes and listened to the music, trying not to think, until I lost the sense of time.

It was just so completely, utterly horrible. I had no idea how to deal with all this. There was a time when I'd thought that whatever my parents would do, I could somehow handle it, and it wasn't that long until I'd be off to college and then it would all get better.

But not this.

This was changing my life forever. This would _never_ be okay. Basically my whole existence was a one big fat lie.

"Thanks," I finally said after what seemed like hours of silence.

"What?" Edward turned to look at me, a little startled.

"That you took me away from there," I said, not looking at him.

"Anytime," Edward said and gave me a small smile.

"Where are we going, by the way?" I asked after couple more minutes of silence had passed.

I could see Edward smile as he turned to a smaller road. "Why do you think I would know?"

"Well, maybe because you're behind the wheel," I said.

Edward shrugged and didn't say anything.

I guess we were runaways now, then. This morning we had climbed out of Edward's window and tiptoed to his car so that Esme and Carlisle wouldn't notice, both of us feeling quite sneaky. I'd never thought it would be that easy. And since then we had just kept driving. It was probably the weirdest, stupidest, most ridiculous thing I'd ever done in my life.

I guess it was about the time we should have been back home from school, when our phones started ringing about the same time.

"It's mom," I said, looking at the little screen. The word _mom_ made me wince.

"Esme," Edward said looking at his cell.

I turned my phone off and threw it on the back seat.

"How long are we going to keep driving?" I asked.

"Don't ask me," Edward said. "I've never ran from home before."

"Me neither," I sighed. I tried not to think about the reason why I had, because every time my thought crossed that subject, I felt like throwing up. I couldn't even think about it. The word _mom_ made me feel almost physically sick, like a part of me had been ripped out.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Edward asked.

I shook my head. "I feel so empty," I whispered and only a few tears escaped my eyes. I wondered when I had become such a cry baby. Where was the tough, strong Bella who never cried and was able to protect her heart?

"I know," Edward said and squeezed my hand.

"Can you pull over for a second?" I asked.

Edward gave me an odd look, but didn't say anything, just pulled the car over at the side of the road. As soon as the car was stopped I practically climbed on Edward's lap and squeezed him tight. I hated it, I hated to let it show how weak I was, but there wasn't any other way. I needed him to hold me together.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me as tightly as he could. He wiped the tears from my face and kissed me, strong and fierce and I kissed him back, throwing myself to him.

"I'm so scared," I whispered finally, burying my face on his neck. I didn't know if he realized how hard it was to say those words out loud. Or whether he knew that there was a time, not so far ago, when I wouldn't have said that out loud at any price.

"I know," Edward said. Then we were kissing again and I was crying all over our faces. It seemed to keep going forever. I didn't like crying, I'd never found that particularly relaxing, like some people, but now I didn't seem to be able to stop the tears from coming.

"How could they?" I asked. "How could they do that? My whole life…"

"People do all sorts of horrible stuff," Edward said, "either because they want to protect someone or because they are plain selfish."

I'd never thought that my parents were particularly selfless but that was the most selfish thing that they'd ever done. And Victoria… that was so much worse, because I'd trusted her and I thought she was there to take care of me. I thought she was on my side, I thought we were a team.

"I don't want to think about that now," I said finally. "I think I need some booze."

"Well, that I can do," Edward said, grinning. "If I'm right, we're couple of miles from Portland. I'm pretty sure they sell booze there."

"Yeah, I think so too," I said, rolling my eyes, "just not for people at our age."

"Don't worry about it, I have my ways," Edward winked at me.

I laughed a bit and even though it sounded hollow I felt a little more like myself. I climbed back to my own seat. Edward pulled at my hair gently. "You know – "

"Don't say it's all going to be okay, when you can't know if it is." I warned him.

"I wasn't going to say that," Edward said. "I was going to say that we'll get through this. Or if we don't, at least we're in this together."

I felt my heart make a little louder thump, as if it was still alive. His words made me feel just a bit warmer inside. "Why do you care so much?" I asked quietly.

"I don't know," Edward simply said. "Now let go find some booze, shall we?"

He started driving again and we fell back into the comfortable silence.

It was late in the afternoon when we got to Portland. Edward disappeared for a while, leaving me in the car. He came back after twenty minutes with a small bottle of Jack Daniel's and a bag of chips.

"You're my hero," I grinned.

"I know," Edward said, holding up the bottle victoriously. "I'm my own hero too."

We parked the car into some back road, and climbed on top of it. I lay down and lifted my feet on the roof of the car. Edward opened the bottle and gave it to me. I drank as long as I could and made a face.

"This stuff really sucks," I laughed. I didn't know how I was able to laugh, since I didn't really find anything funny in this situation.

I didn't know how long we laid there on the roof of Edward's car; it did feel like hours. Just talking, about anything else but stuff that had to do with our parents. I only got up when it had gotten pretty dark, and almost all of the Jack Daniel's was gone. I shivered from the night air without a jacket, but my head was comfortably dizzy and numb. I swayed a little, back and forth, just because I liked the way it made my head feel. Edward had drunk a lot less than I had, but his eyes looked a bit unfocused too.

"Come on," I said, jumping off of the car and spending a moment trying to steady myself. "Let's explore the city. After all, that's what runaways do, right?"

I opened my cell as Edward got down from the car. "Oh," I said, after looking at the small screen. Twenty missed calls. Eight from mom, two from dad, three from Alice and seven from Victoria. Alice had also sent two texts.

"Maybe you should answer," Edward said, looking at me.

I shook my head. "Why don't you call Esme then, too?"

"That's different, Esme would kill me. But your parent's wouldn't even have any right to be mad at you," Edward pointed out.

"I'm not going to call them," I said coldly. "They deserve it. Besides they don't care about me, none of them does."

"Alice does." Edward raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you didn't like Alice," I said.

"I don't like the fact that she hurt Jasper," Edward explained. "But you should at least let her know that you're okay."

"Fine, fine," I said and took a big gulp from the bottle.

Alice picked up immediately. "Bella, what the fuck is going on?" She sounded freaked out and a bit mad.

"Oh, I think I ran away with Edward. Don't worry about it, though, it's nothing serious," I said.

"Cut the sarcasm, Bella," Alice snapped. "It's not funny. I was really freaking out, no one seemed to know where you are and Victoria called me and she sounded really weird."

"I tried to call you this morning," I said to my defense.

"Oh yeah, about that, I have a really good excuse for not picking up. But first, you have to tell me what's going on." She was quiet for a while. "Is this about the thing with your parents?"

"Yeah," I said in an emotionless voice. "I figured it out."

"You sound really weird," Alice said in a freaked out voice. "Just tell me, before I really start to panic. It can't be anything that weird, can it?"

"Trust me, it is," I said. And then I told her the whole story as fast as I could. I didn't want to talk about it more than I absolutely had to.

"But… I don't understand. That's not possible," Alice said in a small voice.

"That's what I thought too."

"How could Victoria –?"

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I don't know."

"Come home," Alice said. "We'll figure it all out. You can stay at my place, I know mom won't mind."

"I don't think I can," I said and my voice was nothing more than a whisper.

"Bella, please." Alice sounded almost desperate. "You can't run away from everything forever. Sooner or later you're going to have to figure this all out."

"I'd rather do that later then," I said. "By the way, what was your great explanation for not picking up?"

"Don't try to change the subject," Alice said. lie

"Alice, my life is a one big mess, my whole family has been laying to me my whole life and turns out I don't even know the people I call my own parents, and I _just can't _deal with all that now. So let me please, please just change the subject now."

She was quiet for a long time. "Okay, but only this time and only because you're with Edward and I know he'll take care of you. But you have to be back home by tomorrow, okay?"

I didn't say anything to her. If it was up to me, I'd rather do anything else than be back home by tomorrow. "So what happened to you this morning?"

"You'll never guess," Alice said. "I was with Jasper."

"What?" I cried out. "You spent the night with him?"

"Yeah," Alice said.

"Did you have sex with him?"

"Yeah."

"How did that happen?"

"I don't even know myself," Alice sighed. "I guess he was lonely and I was lonely and we started talking and one thing lead to another, you know."

"So are you to back together now?" I asked.

"No, of course not," Alice said, but she couldn't keep the hope out of her voice. "But I just keep thinking that maybe, someday, we will be again. I just miss him so much, all the time. I never realized how important he was to me, never before I lost him. Don't ever make that mistake, Bella, don't ever take anyone for granted."

I glanced over at where Edward was, writing a text with his own cell. He raised his eyes and grinned when he saw me looking at him. "I won't. And I hope you and Jasper will be happy again, I really do."

"Thanks Bella," Alice said. "And I know that you will be happy again, someday."

"I have to go," I said.

"Okay," Alice sounded a bit helpless. "But please come home, we'll figure this out."

"I'll talk to you later," I said.

"Bella, just don't shut me out. I want to help you." Alice sounded distressed.

"I know that. Love you, bye bye." I hung up before she had time to convince me anymore.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked, walking to me and wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Let's go."

We wandered around the town probably for hours. Edward bought some more booze and we walked along the river. He didn't mention my parents anymore and I was grateful for that. Mostly he just let me take small sips from our bottle and wonder around in silence.

"Oh shit!" I cried out, when the second bottle had started to get emptier and I found it hard to keep my thoughts together anymore. "I think you should really call Esme."

"Why?" Edward asked, looking at me.

"Because otherwise they're going to call the police!" I almost screamed.

"Oh shit!" Edward exclaimed. "Why didn't you say that earlier?"

"Well, why didn't you?" I cried out.

"Shit," Edward said, taking his cell phone from his jeans pocket. "Shit, shit, _shit_."

"We really suck at this running away thing," I said in a nervous whisper, as Edward chose Esme from his speed dial.

She picked up just as fast as Alice had. "So, hi," Edward started, giving me a reassuring grin, so that I would stop biting my nails. "So Bella and I sort of ran away, don't worry about it, we're fine. So yeah, bye."

"Edward Anthony Cullen, don't you dare hung up on me!" Esme yelled so loud even I could hear it clearly. Edward literally jumped on the air. "Tell me where you are and we'll come pick you up immediately."

"No, I don't think – " Esme apparently cut Edward out but now she was talking at an almost normal volume again so I couldn't make out what she was saying. "No look, we're fine… No… No I didn't just suddenly get in my mind to run away, I did it for Bella!"

Edward was quiet for a long time. "Oh come on!" he yelled. "You did not call the police!"

"Of course we did," Esme was yelling again, so I could hear what she was saying. "What did you expect me to do? Even Emmett didn't know where you were. Your principle called that you weren't at school. Bella's parents didn't know where she was. I was so damn scared, you don't have any idea how that felt!"

"Shit," I mouthed to Edward. He nodded.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm almost adult, for fuck's sake," Edward said. "You're overreacting."

Esme said something but I couldn't hear what it was.

"No, I'm not drunk," Edward said in a defensive voice. Too bad, he was stumbling over the words a bit.

Esme said something more.

"Yeah, yeah, talk to you later, bye," Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"Don't you –" Esme started, but Edward had already hung up.

Edward turned to look at me. "That was bad."

I nodded. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Edward said. I pulled him closer to me and wrapped my arms around him.

"Did she really call the police?" I whispered. I knew I was supposed to be worried but because of all the liquor a little giggle escaped my lips.

"Yeah," Edward said. "Well, fuck them. Fuck them all."

"Yeah." I giggled a bit more, because it felt good. "Fuck them."

"Now do you want to go see if there's a bar they'll let us in?" Edward asked.

xxx

When I woke up, it took a while to remember where I was. The bed I slept in felt strange and unfamiliar. In fact, everything felt strange. Everything but Edward, who, I found as I opened my eyes, was sleeping next to me. Slowly it all came back to me.

Even though last night was a bit blurry I think I got the main points right. Running away with Edward, the Jack bottles, finding a small but rather nice pub from some back road… And then later, wandering around the city in the middle of the night, trying to find some place to sleep in. This small shithole was apparently the only place that would accommodate two completely wasted minors at three am. Guess they were in really desperate need of customers. And so that was how we had ended up into this understatement of a motel room that consisted of the bed, tiny table, one chair and a painting that looked like someone had thrown up on it.

"Oh God," I groaned, after I realized that actually I felt really sick. I jumped out of the bed and run to the small and dirty bathroom.

When I stumbled out of it, few minutes later, feeling pale and shitty, Edward had already woken up.

"Morning sunshine," Edward grinned as he saw me, "looking good today."

"Shut up or I'm going to have to kill you," I said and dragged myself back under the covers. "And why is it that you never get hangovers? It's so not fair."

I think I slept a bit after that, because when I woke up I felt better already. Edward was dressed and sitting in the only chair of the room. He was looking at me as I opened my eyes.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"Guess so." I sat up carefully and decided I was safe for now, since the nausea didn't hit me. "What's the time?"

"Twelve thirty," Edward said.

"Oh," I said.

Edward chuckled and moved to look out of the window. It had an idyllic view to some back road that looked suspicious enough to be the scene for some serious drug business. In the corner of the road there was a gun shop and some kind of pizza restaurant that looked like it had been closed down.

"Can you go look from the reception if they sell any food?" I asked Edward as I realized I was actually starving. I didn't even remember the last time I'd eaten a real meal.

"Sure," Edward shrugged and left me alone with my thoughts.

As soon as he left, I felt like screaming out loud. It just felt like being alone was too much right now, because there were so many things I didn't want to think about. And when Edward was there, he was able to distract me from anything I didn't want to think about.

Even thought I still felt a bit weak I got up from the bed and walked to the window. I pressed my forehead against the cold window glass. Why did everything have to be such a mess? I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew that at some point I would have to deal with it all and I didn't know how I would survive that. Because thinking about mom, dad and Victoria made me feel sick. So when even the thought of having to be in the same room with them and actually talk to them made me feel so panicked, how would I ever be able to face them?

And which one of them should I call my parents?

Because right now I felt like none of them were that. Parents were supposed to protect their children. And all mine did was hurt me.

"Hey don't look so sulky." Edward opened the door and stepped inside. I turned away from the window to look at him.

"So did they have any food?" I asked.

Edward gave me a weird look. "Well, not exactly."

"But?" I asked in a wary tone.

"They had something even better," Edward said excitedly and held out two joints.

"God, Edward," I cried out, lying back on the bed and burying my face in a pillow. "I should have known. You're the only person who I can send to get some food and get back with some weed."

"Come on, this is great," Edward said and lay down on the bed besides me. "Who needs food anyway, if you can have some of this instead?"

"Well, that's one healthy philosophy," I said, lifting my head up from the pillow.

"We're already runaways who have the police after us and parents who want to kill us," Edward said, "we couldn't be any more screwed, even if we did smoke a little bit of pot."

"Good point," I said.

"And besides –" Quickly, Edward caught me by the waist and before I even had time to notice what was happening he was on top of me on the bed. He kissed me long and hard and let his hand wander lower from my waist to my hips. "– it's fun. Do you want me to convince you more?"

"Yeah, actually," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me, as he slipped his hand even lower. "Some more convincing would be nice."

"Good," he said and then our lips met again, this time harder, more demanding. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and tossed it on the floor.

"Wait," Edward muttered as I was about to turn so that I would be on top of him. "Don't crush these," he said putting the joints he was still holding in his hand on the bedside table. I tried to give him an annoyed look but didn't quite manage because he looked so damn sexy with his ruffled hair.

A little later I leaned out of the open window, breathing in the smoke. Edward stepped closer to me, holding his own lit joint in the other hand and wrapping the other around my waist.

"This runaway life is pretty fun," Edward said into my ear. "Remind me to run away with you some other time too."

"Sure," I said. "After we're done with these, can we finally go find some food? I don't know about you, but I'm still starving."

By the time we walked into the street to find something to eat, we were already laughing at everything. We walked through the streets hand in hand, which felt weird but also sort of nice, until we found a fast food restaurant. It took a while to get our order done, since Edward kept messing up his words and laughing as he tried to order our double cheese burgers. We got more than a few annoyed looks from the people behind us in the queue.

"You know, running away is kind of fun," I giggled as I stuffed French fries on my mouth. My head felt all light and fluffy, everything seemed so different. Sure I'd tried weed before, but I doubted I'd ever smoked that much before.

"That's what I said." Edward grinned. "Maybe you should call Victoria."

"What?" I frowned, the smile fading from my face. "Where did you get that idea from?"

"Well, you said that you can't talk to her," Edward explained. "And you're going to have to talk to her eventually, so better do it now while you're high and it's easier?"

"That actually makes sense," I said and threw him with a French fry. Edward threw another one at me and I tried to catch it with my teeth but didn't quite manage. We both laughed so hard two guys from the next table turned and stared. However my face got darker as I switched on my cell. Ten new calls from mom and Victoria, and one text from Alice, asking whether I was okay and coming back already.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked, clutching my hand from the other side of the table.

I shook my head. "Not even close to ready."

"Well, you can't always be ready to everything, it would make life far too easy," he said and tightened his grip on my hand. I picked Victoria's number and as it started ringing I felt far too

sober for this despite the weed.

"Bella." Victoria picked up, sounding breathless and scared. She deserved it. "Are you okay?"

"Like you cared," I whispered, I was clutching Edward's hand so hard my knuckles turned white, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Bella, I'm sorry, please let me explain," Victoria said and I could clearly hear that she had been crying. Well, I didn't have any sympathy left. I had been crying too.

"There's no way you can explain," I said. "Except if you're going to say that it was all a big misunderstanding and none of it is true."

"I'm afraid I can't say that."

I closed my eyes. Of course I knew by now that it _was_ true. But maybe there had been a tiny part of me that would have hoped it was some kind of awful misunderstanding. Well, that part was gone now.

"Then I don't want to hear any explanations," I said. "I just called to let you know that we're okay, even though I don't know why you'd even deserve to know that, but so you can tell Edward's parents to call the police that we're fine and stuff."

"Are you drunk?" Victoria asked and I could almost hear her frowning from the other side of the phone. I would have hoped that she wouldn't notice the slight spluttering in my voice.

"No, I'm not in fact," I said and probably because of the weed all of this started to seem really funny again. "Actually I'm high, from the weed Edward bough from some stranger, so yeah, everything is more than fine."

Edward was shaking his head and mouthing 'no' with his lips, but it was too late.

"Bella, honey, actually the police knows that you're somewhere near Portland, they tracked Edward's call yesterday and while they are not particularly concerned, since you both are underage, when they find you they have the right to bring you home by force."

I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I tried so hard not to laugh that there were tears dropping from my eyes. None of this just made any sense. And the only thing I could think of to say to Victoria was "don't call me honey" and then I hung up.

Edward gave me a concerned look as I started to laugh and cry at the same time so hard that I almost fell off of the chair.

"What did she say?" Edward asked.

"Something about the police," I said, "and that she's sorry."

"Well, if the cops are after us, I think it's time for a change of scene," Edward said.

That of course made me laugh even harder. "Wow, when did our life turn into an action movie?"

Edward grinned at me and ate some more French fries, which were pretty cold by now. Then his expression turned serious. "Have you considered that it's time to go back home?"

"What, do you miss your parents already?" I teased.

"Don't you miss Alice at all?" Edward asked.

I was quiet for a long time. The truth was that I missed it all; I missed Alice, I missed the way things used to be, I missed the time I could trust Victoria. I missed the time Victoria was still my aunt. "I wish I'd never found out about Victoria," I said.

"So listen, here's what we'll do," Edward said. "First we'll go grab couple of beers, then go back to the car to get our back bags and tomorrow or sometime in the future, when we're sober enough we'll drive home, okay?"

xxx

A few beers and many hours later, we were in the same crappy bar we'd found earlier the same day and no closer to making any kind of decisions. I felt a bit drunk and a bit miserable. We were both staring in our pints absent-mindedly.

It had been a while since neither of us had said anything. We were both in quite a bad mood, really. Once in a while the other one would say something and the other one would answer with one word and that irritated the both of us, so we had just kept quiet.

"This is so stupid," I said. Edward didn't answer, and somehow that pissed me off even more. "It was a stupid idea to run away."

"That was your idea," Edward said grimly.

I turned to look at him. "No it wasn't."

"Yes it was, actually," Edward said in a sarcastic voice. "Or are you too drunk to remember that, too?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped. Suddenly I felt so angry, just completely enraged. How could he say something like that? How could he always be so mean when I needed him?

"I'm sorry," he said, but apparently he didn't realize that he'd already crossed the line. Because I was drunk and I was pissed off and that was never a good combination.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too," I cried out, smacking my palm on the table at full force. That hurt. "I'm sorry that _you_ didn't just find out your parents aren't your parents, so you don't have any way of knowing how I feel and I'm sorry that you have to be such a jackass when I need you."

"Oh right," Edward said, shaking his head. "Don't act like you're any better than I am, because you're not. Sorry to tell you, but you're not perfect either."

"I never said that I was perfect," I said, raising my voice. We were gathering odd looks from the other customers. "But you're just plain mean, and you don't know… How could you know how I feel?"

"Really?" Edward raised his voice too. "Didn't I tell you about my past? You're not the only damn person in the whole fucking world who's ever been hurt!" He yelled the last sentence so that it seemed like the whole bar turned to stare.

"But I am hurt now, so don't pull your old childhood traumas into that and don't act like you want to help me if you don't." I couldn't believe I'd stooped so low to actually mention that, but I was too mad to care.

Edward's eyes got darker. "Yeah, that figures. Just keep playing the victim here."

"But I am the victim, I didn't cause this mess," I yelled, only barely noticing how pathetic that sounded.

"It was you, who had to sneak around revealing your parents old secrets and it was you, who's idiotic idea it was to run away," Edward said.

"Fine," I said, trying to make my voice as emotionless and cold as I could. "I'll just leave then, when you obviously don't want me around."

I was almost out the door when Edward caught up with me. "Hey, don't just walk away from me, when I'm talking with you! Could you be any more irresponsible?"

"Now I'm being irresponsible, huh?" I said, almost slamming the door at his face. "You're not exactly the one to talk, are you? Fuck off, Edward."

"Actually that's what I'm doing," he said, turned around and started marching down the street. I almost considered just letting him go, but I didn't like the look on his face, so I followed him half running.

He walked straight to his car, which was only few streets away and hopped inside.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled at him, opening the door.

"Going home, since you obviously don't need me anymore," he said.

"You're the stupidest jerk I've ever met Edward," I said. "But despite that, you're drunk. Do you really think I'd let you drive like that?"

"Shut the door, Bella, I'm going," Edward just said.

"Fine," I said, hopped inside the car, and shut the door. "Let's go then. Do you want to kill me too?"

He turned the key. "Get off, Bella, because I'm going home."

"I'm going too, then," I said.

Edward looked at me for a moment. "Fine."

He started driving and I felt kind of unreal. I was sure it would work. I was sure he wouldn't want to put me at risk like that, even if he was drunk. I was sure he'd care more than that.

"Stop the car, Edward," I yelled. "Stop, the fucking car."

"Oh, you want out already?" Edward said speeding up, as he turned from the corner to a bigger street.

"Yes," I yelled, starting to actually get scared. "I want us both out."

I closed my eyes to calm myself down, but when I opened them, it was already too late. There was a huge thump and it felt like everything was upside down, and then it went all black.


	17. I dreamed that you said you loved me

**A/N: Thank you Sylvia Cullen and CupidoGirl, reviews always inspire me!  
>And sorry about the far too long break in uploading, you know, all the usual excuses; life's been hectic, school and writer's block and all that.<br>I'm already working on the next one, so hopping to get it here soon!**

**So hope you like this one and hope you haven't forgotten this! Reviews would honestly cheer me up :)  
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17. I dreamed that you said you loved me

**Edward's PoV**

It hurt. Everywhere. I didn't know if I was awake or dreaming. Reality and dream seemed to have been mixing up for a while now. I didn't know where I was.

I was thirsty, guess that was what woke me up. My mouth felt like a desert and my eyelids were heavy. The ceiling I was staring at was white, but definitely not my own. Everything felt blurry and strange.

"Honey?" That was Esme's voice, coming from next to me. I turned my head a bit to see her looking at me. "I'm so relieved right now that I can't even be mad at you."

It took me a while to gather the blurry memories from the back of my mind and put together the pieces of why Esme looked like she'd been crying, why I was laying in a hospital bed and why my head hurt _far_ more than a normal hangover should.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself and closed my eyes for a second, to see if it would all just go away. But when I opened them again I was still in the same room on the same bed and Esme looked just as miserable. I just stared at her with my mouth open. She didn't seem to know what to say either. "What happened?" I asked finally.

"You're fine," Esme said and I could hear the concern and relief in her voice. "Thank God you're fine, just a concussion and bruises all over your body. You don't even have a broken bone. You hit a tree."

"Shit," I groaned as it all started to get clearer. It seemed like I had really screwed up. I frowned as I tried to remember what had happened before that. Me driving the car, arguing with –

"Bella!" The word was just a panicked gasp, as I sat up not even caring that it hurt like hell and made my head pound even harder. "Where's Bella?"

Esme looked uneasy. "She was not quite as lucky as you were."

I felt like my brain wasn't alert enough to take in the meaning of the word. "Wait – what? _Where_ is she?" I realized that I was yelling, since two nurses hurried to my room looking concerned.

"Oh, so we've woken up here," the other one said in an over lively voice I hated right away. "How are you feeling?"

"Esme, where is she?" I asked, turning back to look at her.

"The doctor says she will be fine too, though." Esme tried to call me down. "She's kept in a different department."

I turned to look at the nurses. "Do you know where she is kept?"

I think the other one opened her mouth to try to explain Bella's condition. I didn't understand any of it, just a lot of medical terms and broken bones and internal damage. I couldn't fit any of it in my brain, just that she was hurt.

"So basically we've kept her on so strong medication, that she's still unconscious. The doctor can fully diagnose possible brain injury, only when she's woken up."

"Brain injury?" I whispered.

"She will probably be just fine." The nurse smiled.

"Probably is not good enough!" I yelled and jumped out of the bed, before any of them could stop me.

"Honey, please stop yelling and calm down," Esme said, closing her eyes for a second. She was talking to me like I was a little child. Well, maybe because I acted like one.

"I need to see her," I said, leaning against the side of the bed. None of this was making sense. I started to feel a bit nauseated, probably wasn't a good idea to get up from the bed. The room was too white, and my head felt too fluffy and Bella was hurt. And it was all my fault. This was a fucking nightmare.

It's just that I wasn't dreaming anymore.

"Calm down and we'll see if that's possible," Esme said. "And you're not exactly in a position to make any demands here."

She gave me a sharp look that made her message clear; this _was_ all my fault. I knew that, of course I did. I just didn't want to think about that right now.

"Let's see if we can work that out," one of the nurses said. "It's just… I don't know if the parents want him around."

The parents. That triggered another memory. "Right, which of them?" I asked in a sarcastic chuckle.

"Clearly he's still a bit confused," the nurse pointed out to Esme. "Might be a good idea to lie down for a while and take it easy. We'll go check on Bella and see if you can go see her."

The nurses were out the door before I could insist I'd go with them right away.

"I need to see her," I muttered to no one in particular.

"Now, sit down and be quiet for a while, Edward," Esme snapped. I turned to look at her and only then really realized how stressed out she looked. She had dark circles under her eyes, her face was pale and her eyes red and puffy.

I sat down on the bed, really hating myself right then. I ended up hurting everyone I cared. I didn't know why it was that I couldn't do anything right. It had never really bothered me before this. But now I couldn't even look Esme in the eye.

"Where's Carlisle?" I asked quietly.

"He's off to get some coffee," Esme said. "He should be back in a minute."

We waited in silence and in five minutes Carlisle rushed in from the door holding two cup of coffee. There was a look of relief and anxiety on his face as he saw that I had woken up.

"Hi," I said warily.

He rubbed his forehead and pulled out a chair next to me. "Edward, I don't even know what to say." He sounded equally stressed out as Esme.

"I'm sorry," I said. I really was.

"I sure hope you mean it," Carlisle said. "You know… we've forgiven a lot because of your past, but there's also a limit to that. And what you did – it was not okay, not despite of whatever happened to you earlier. You can't just run away, if you don't like the rules we set for you. We have to be able to trust each other, that's how it works. And you didn't prove out to be really trustworthy."

"I didn't run away because of anything like that," I said, still unable to look at them. Esme just being quiet made it all worse. "I did it for Bella."

"And now she's in hospital because of you," Esme said. "If you really care about that girl, you have to learn how to treat her right."

I didn't know what to say. It almost amazed me, that never before had I even considered that maybe I didn't deserve Bella. Guess I was just too busy trying to not let her mean so much to me. But I didn't deserve her, all I did was hurt her and make her unhappy.

"We know that you're sorry and we know that you've had a hard couple of days behind you, so we can continue this conversation later. Just know that we are going to have this conversation," Carlisle said. "You can't continue to shut us out of your life."

I nodded.

"And you do get that you're grounded for like the rest of your life?" Esme added.

"And you can kiss your driving license goodbye," Carlisle said.

I nodded, feeling like I didn't even care that much. I just wanted to see Bella. "Just, can I go see her?"

"I don't know. They won't let me see her, because I don't work in this hospital, and I'm not a relative," Carlisle said. "You can try."

"Just get right back here after that," Esme added.

I nodded and walked out of the room.

My head was still in pain and walking hurt my muscles, but I hardly even noticed. The hospital was far bigger than in Forks and it smelled different. I walked along the hallways and it took me a while to find the right department. "Can I see Bella Swan," I asked from a young doctor passing by.

She crossed her arms across her chest. "Are you a relative?"

"I'm her fiancée," I lied, looking as desperate as I could. It didn't take much effort, since I already felt desperate enough.

She thought for a minute whether to believe me or not, and then sighed. "Come this way."

She led me in front of one of the doors. "I think she has a visitor already," the doctor said and walked away.

I hesitated for a while. I had been so desperate to see her; I had just focused on how to get here. But now I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for what was waiting in the other side of the door. Finally I knocked and then opened the door.

Like the doctor had said, she wasn't alone. As soon as I opened the door, Alice, who had been sitting beside her bed, jumped up and walked to the door.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"What do you think?" I raised an eyebrow.

"And you think that after what you did, you have the right to just march in here and assume I'd let you near her?" She was furious, I could see that now. She had also clearly been crying. Was there a person on the planet I hadn't hurt in some way?

"I just want to see her," I said quietly. I knew apologizing wouldn't help anyway. "It won't hurt her."

"You never know," Alice muttered. "Do you even realize what you've done? How can you be such a stupid, immature, selfish jerk?"

"I don't know," I said. "I screwed up, big time. Do you think I'm not beating myself up from it already? I just want to see her, make sure she's alright. I won't touch her, if that's what you want."

Alice got away from the doorway to let me in. "Just one thing. After this, you don't get to judge me for my decisions, ever again," she said as she stepped out of the room. "I'll wait outside."

And then it was just me and Bella. Alone in the middle of all these white walls and bleeping monitors. She looked maybe the most vulnerable I'd seen her before, and I'd seen her pretty vulnerable these last few days. I hated myself for causing that. It was almost more than I could bear. Until now, I had just floated through life, doing whatever I wanted to do, and not really thinking about anyone else. If I ever did something wrong, I had my awful past to blame and nothing really affected me. I was immune to emotions, because I didn't want all the hurt and insecurity that came with emotions.

But now it turned out that didn't work out either.

I pulled a chair next to her and sat down. I broke my promise to Alice and swept her hair away from her face; I had to touch her, to make sure that she really was real. She looked almost like dead, barely breathing. She was so pale and there were few cuts on her face. She was the most beautiful thing. How could I break something so beautiful? How could it possibly have taken so long for me to figure out that I really didn't deserve her?

Looking at her now I realized something that I had probably subconsciously known for a long time. You couldn't go through all this with one person and reveal so much of yourself to them and not know.

"I love you."

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

Waking up in hospital is never fun. It's usually painful and confusing and there are lots of weeping relatives you have to reassure. At least that's what it's like in TV or movies, but when I finally woke up, there was only Alice in my room.

She helped me set a few facts straight. When I first woke up I felt fuzzy and confused and I had huge holes in my memory about what had happened before the accident. But apparently there had been a fight and then Edward had hit a tree.

"You've bruised your ribs pretty badly and broke your ankle. And the doctor was talking about some kind of head injury, I don't really get what they are saying, it's all so confusing," Alice said, frowning. "Oh and there was something about your neck. That it was twisted in some way." Suddenly Alice's eyes filled with tears.

"What is it?" I asked, frustrated. "I will be okay, right?"

"Yes," Alice said, and she was sobbing openly now. "It's just, I heard one doctor say that if you would have been in a bit different position you could have died and I got so scared –"

Alice rushed to hug me, and at first I tried to hug her back, but then I realized that moving so abruptly was so not a good idea.

"Ouch!" I cried out.

Alice quickly took a step black and covered her mouth with her hand, looking terrified. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said, trying to laugh, but it turned out that wasn't a good idea either, when you have bruised ribs.

"Should I get you some pain killers or something?" Alice looked worried.

"No, I'm fine," I tried to force out a smile, "just as long as I remember to not move or laugh or breathe too hard."

""I'm really sorry," Alice said smiling now too,

"I'll live," I said. "Wait! How's Edward?"

"He's just fine," Alice said, her expression getting darker. "He was here."

"Oh," I said. "Good."

"I don't know if that's good," Alice said grimly.

"What do you mean? Of course it's good that he's fine."

Alice looked difficult. "Well, don't you feel like he should be the one laying there on the bed instead of you? He's the one who caused this, anyway."

"It's not like that." I sighed. "I don't blame him."

"Well, I blame him enough for both of us," Alice said. "He's not good for you, Bella. You two are constantly fighting and he convinced you to run away and now you're in hospital. Can't you see that there's something wrong with that? You two just don't know how to be with each other."

Suddenly I felt kind of sad. I was hurting and tired and confused and none of this was making any sense. It was like everything was happening too fast and I needed to catch my breath, but there wasn't any time. The walls were all too white and strange and the monitors made those weird sounds that you only hear in TV and I felt kind of scared. And there was also the thing I hadn't let myself think about yet, the most awful thing.

"I'm really glad you're here with me," I said.

She took my hand in hers carefully. "I'll always be here."

I took a deep breath. "Alice, where are – "

"They're in the waiting room," Alice said immediately understanding what I meant. "They were here too, but they weren't sure if you'd want them to be here when you wake up."

"At least they were right about that. I don't," I said. "I don't want them here."

"They're your –"

"Don't say that word out loud," I interrupted Alice.

Alice looked almost as miserable as I felt. "I would like to see Edward." I didn't know where the words came from. Suddenly I just felt like I wanted to talk with him, even though I didn't even know what to say.

Alice sighed but didn't say anything.

"What is going to happen when I get off from the hospital?" I wondered out loud. I didn't really expect Alice to have the answer.

"Actually, I've been thinking about it," she said. "You could live with me, at least in the beginning. You know mom is never home and anyway, I doubt that she would mind."

"Thanks," I said.

"But you still have to speak with them," Alice added.

"I can't Alice, not now," I said and felt the panic boiling up in my throat. "I want to do it, when I'm better. Not now, when I wouldn't even be able to get out of the bed or yell at them."

Alice didn't seem to know what to say, but it didn't matter anyway, because before she had time to answer, a doctor had entered the room with a too-big smile on her face.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. She looked at the monitors. "Looks like you're a bit restless, are you in pain? I'll give you some medicine and you can go back to sleep, it's best to sleep as much as you can."

I was actually feeling too tired to object and soon I drifted off back to sleep.

xxx

The few following days were a blur of sleeping and being awake. Once I woke up and saw Victoria sitting in my room, so I just pretended I was asleep, until she went away. That meant that I didn't really see Edward either, since he left soon back to Forks with Esme and Carlisle, which was pity, because I kind of missed him. It was weird, considering everything – like Alice kept reminding me – but I really did.

So I couldn't have been more relieved when, after one routine visit, the doctor finally said that I was well enough to go home.

The afternoon I was finally going to go back home – or actually Alice's home, but in the light of everything, it was the most homelike place I had – I sat on my bed, already back in my own clothes. It felt so good to have my own clothes on instead of the hospital gowns. Alice knocked on the door and entered the room.

"Bella?" She looked uneasy.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Victoria is there," Alice said. "And she said that she really wants to talk to you before we leave. And I agree with her on this one, you really should talk to her."

"No." I shook my head.

"You should at least hear the whole story. I mean, if I were you, I'd probably want to know – "

"It wouldn't change a thing," I said.

"Better face your fears than make it even scarier each day you refuse to see her," Alice said.

"I'm not scared of her," I said even though I kind of knew she was right.

"So I'll go get her then," she said.

I didn't say anything, and Alice walked out of the door.

I was glad I wasn't wired in on the machines anymore, because my heart was beating like it wanted to escape from my chest. Shit, it probably wanted.

And then the door opened and Victoria was there. She looked really stressed out, pale and miserable. I couldn't even look at her.

I couldn't breathe.

"I'm really glad you're okay," Victoria said and took a few hesitant steps forward.

I didn't say anything. Not because I just wanted to be sulky, but because, now that she was actually here, I didn't have any idea what to say. I thought about all the names I'd wanted to call her and all the things I'd imagine me saying in this situation, and none of it felt fitting. Because none of it was going to make this any better.

"Do you want to hear my explanation?" she asked, keeping her distance. That was wise.

"No."

"Then I'm going to explain later, when you're ready." I doubted that would ever happen, but I just kept quiet. "I just wanted to see you. I miss you so much."

"Yeah, I miss my aunt too," I said. "Too bad she turned out to be a liar and not really my aunt at all."

"I don't know what to say, I could apologize forever, but it wouldn't make it any better," Victoria said.

"That's true."

"You should only know the circumstances, I was a different person back then, even I didn't like that person I was. And life was so hard for all of us –"

"I don't want to hear any of it," I interrupted her. I was still staring at the floor. "Do you think that I'll feel sorry for you because, oh, _life was hard for you_? Life is hard for fucking everyone." I wasn't yelling, I didn't even raise my voice, but still the words sounded loud and piercing in the room.

"I just wanted you to know that I love you, no matter what. Always will," Victoria whispered. "Nothing will ever change that. And I am so, so sorry for hurting you like that, I'll always regret it, always. I understand that you feel that you hate me, but I keep hoping that you could forgive me one day. That you would at least hear the whole story some day."

I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling out of my eyes. "You know what the worst part is? It's not that I trusted you. It's that you were _the only_ adult I trusted. It's that you were starting to feel a bit like a mother to me. If there really is God, at least the guy has a sense of humor."

Apparently Victoria didn't think it was funny. "I don't know what to say."

"You've said enough. Now can you please go?"

"Just wanted to say that even thought you might hate me now, I love you," Victoria said, walking back to the door. "And I'm not giving up on you. It might take time, but I'll be there for you whenever you're ready."

"I'm never ready," I mumbled as she walked away from the room and closed the door.

When she was gone, I just sat there. Feeling empty inside. Before I had seen her, there had been the burning hate, for all the three of them. And right now I couldn't even feel angry, just empty. Hopelessly, endlessly empty.

Alice stepped inside after a moment. "How did it go?"

I shrugged. "Well, what can you expect?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay," Alice said, sitting down on the bed beside me and taking my hand. I squeezed her hand hard.

"Can we go now?" I asked.

We were back in Alice's place late in the afternoon. Her mom was on a business trip and wouldn't be home until few days. We just lay down on the couch and ordered some pizza since we were both exhausted and starving.

When I was tucked under a blanket, staring at some brainless reality show and nibbling on my slice of pizza I started to feel a bit better. It felt just like before, when life was still simple and easy. Although I couldn't remember when was the last time I'd thought about the words simple and easy when thinking about my life, but at least it had been easier before.

The doorbell rung and startled us both.

"You gotta be kidding me," Alice muttered. "Can't we be left alone for a second?"

"It can be something important," I said.

"True," Alice sighed and got up.

A bit later she stepped back into the living room. Behind her was Edward.

"Guess you two want to be alone, then," Alice just said and walked upstairs.

I turned off the TV, suddenly feeling nervous for some reason.

"Hi," Edward said, staring at his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Just fine," I said. "Apart from the broken bones and stuff."

"You know Esme and Carlisle wouldn't have allowed me to leave the house at all, if they didn't think that it was time for me to apologize to you."

"Are they giving you a real hard time?" I asked.

"Yup, pretty much."

"I'm sorry," Edward and I said at the exactly same time.

Edward lifted his head up and walked closer. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"Pretty much everything," I said. "I'm sorry that you run away from me and Esme and Carlisle must be really mad. Just tell them that it was my fault, or I can tell them by myself. This is all my fault."

"You're really blaming yourself?" Edward sounded astonished as he sat down on the edge of the couch.

I nodded.

"You ended up in the hospital because of me, Bella," Edward said in such an intense voice he sounded almost angry. "You almost died because of me. I'm such a fucking idiot and I'm really, really sorry."

"It's okay. It's as much my fault as it is yours," I said. I didn't really want to fight or blame him for anything. I kind of felt like I needed him.

"It's not!" He cried out. "I was the one who was drunk and I was the one who was driving the fucking car! And I just keep thinking, what if –"

"No what ifs," I said, pulling at his hand. "I'm alright, you're alright."

"Well, if you don't think that it's my fault, at least everyone else does," he said, sounding almost sulky.

"Do you actually _want_ people to blame you?"

"Yes."

"You're ridiculous," I chuckled.

"It's not funny," he gritted through his teeth. "Can't you at least be mad at me, yell at me. That would make me feel better. But no, you have to be kind."

"Well I could yell at you for being such a stupid if I wouldn't just be so fucking tired and I don't want to fight when I know it's as much both of our fault and –"

"And what?" Edward asked as I stopped speaking suddenly.

"And I missed you," I admitted.

Edward didn't look at me or say anything. I would have wanted to touch him, but didn't know how. I didn't know anything. I just wanted him close. It was like a physical need, every cell in my body pulling towards him. I wondered if he felt it too.

"I'm so fucking sorry," Edward mumbled after a while. He sounded kind of angry. "You shouldn't have gotten into hospital because of me. That's wrong."

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked.

Edward sighed. "What would you want to talk about?"

"Tell me what did your parents say?" I asked.

"They think I need therapy," Edward said.

"Ouch," I said, and for some reason a giggle escaped my lips. "I didn't know it was that bad." Suddenly I couldn't help laughing a little. Edward grinned too, not really happily, but grinned anyway.

"They may as well be right," Edward said.

"We all need therapy," I said.

"True."

It felt so good being close to Edward again. The few days before the car accident… we'd been so close, physically and emotionally, and even though we hadn't even know each other that long, being close to him had started to feel kind of natural. Somewhere in the middle of this all he had kind of become my oxygen. When I felt like it was getting harder to breathe, he made me feel better. I don't know how he did it.

It reminded me of something that I wanted to mention to him.

"You know it's weird that when I was at the hospital and before I was fully woken up, I saw all these dream and then they mixed up with reality, I didn't really know it felt like that," I said. "Kind of like from some TV series."

Edward looked at me. There was something in his eyes. Even though I'd seen them so many times, the greenness of them took me aback.

"I dreamed that you said you loved me."

**A/N: Review and tell me what you think! :) (And please overlook any possible incorrect use of medical terms, unfortunately I know very little about these things :/)**


	18. Do you call me a complication?

**A/N: Thank you so much Sylvia Cullen and Nilla79 for reviews!  
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**Here is the next chapter, enjoy! (And leave a comment *puppy eyes*)  
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18. Do you call me a complication?

**Bella's PoV**

Going back to school was horrible. It wasn't just that I had the plaster on my ankle and still had to hop around with crutches but also everyone seemed to be gossiping about what had happened to Edward and me, and the stories seemed to get more and more unbelievable by the minute. At lunch break I was sure I heard a freshman say to her friend that we were kidnapped by aliens, and she wasn't even kidding. In addition to that, I had already missed so much school, that I was far behind in every subject and didn't have any idea what the teacher was taking about.

My first day back at school I felt exhausted already after the first class. However, I was happy to get back to school. I hadn't seen Edward since he came to see me at Alice's place. Probably, because Esme and Carlisle wouldn't leave him out of their sight. I felt guilty about that, I felt like if it wasn't for me and my stupid freaking out none of it wouldn't have happened.

I was making my way to the math class when Edward wrapped an arm around my hips. "Bella."

I turned around immediately recognizing his voice. "Hi."

Being this close to him was making my breath just a bit heavier. Like not seeing him for a while I'd forgotten just what kind of effect he could have on me. His hand was heavy on my hip and he was pulling me closer to him.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Just fine," I said. "Even the ribs don't hurt that much anymore. The doctor said they weren't that badly bruised after all. And my ankle will be fine soon; I don't even have to use these stupid crutches for long."

"Good," Edward said, even though he didn't look particularly happy.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Fine," he said.

"Are Esme and Carlisle still mad at you?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Have you seen your parents?" he asked then.

I shook my head.

"You're going to be late for your class," Edward pointed out, when I didn't say anything.

I thought for a second. "Do you feel like ditching?"

"You've already skipped lots of school." Edward frowned. "Are you sure that's a good idea."

I chuckled. "Since when did you start caring about that?"

"Just saying," Edward said. "I don't want to ruin your whole life."

I couldn't help laughing. I punched him on the shoulder. "Come on, cheer up. And anyway, I need to talk with you and how else am I going to get a change, Esme is so not going to let me see you."

"Fine." Edward grinned.

"I wouldn't have guessed that a day would come when I would convince you to ditch," I said, as we walked towards the front doors.

"Things change, my dear," Edward said, his grip tightening on my waist for a little while before he let go.

We walked to the benches behind the school building in silence. We sat down and suddenly I remembered the first time we'd been here together. Edward had gotten us both into detention and I'd been so mad. I chuckled at myself.

"What?" Edward asked.

"Nothing," I said. "I was just recalling the first time we were here."

Edward grinned too. "Damn, you were pissed off."

"I guess I was," I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder for a while. It was amazing; how we were so at ease with each other now. It felt natural, even though before everything; running away and the stupid accident, it felt like we were constantly having some kind of crisis or fight or misunderstanding.

But then again, maybe it was just because we hadn't seen each other so much lately.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Edward asked.

"What?" I turned to look at him. "Oh nothing, really. I just wanted to get you to ditch with me."

"Great," Edward said. "Just don't blame me, if you get expelled from school."

"Wouldn't even think about blaming you." I grinned.

Then we were quiet for a bit. Finally Edward sighed and turned to look at me. It seemed like he had something to say but he didn't quite know how to put it into words yet. Then he opened his mouth.

"Bella, I love you."

"What?" I gasped so strongly that I nearly chocked. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me, at least not that much. At some level I had known it, I must have. And that time at the hospital, I guess I had kind of known I wasn't dreaming. But I had just tried to not think about it; because to think about it meant, that I would have to think how I would react to that.

"I'm in love with you," he repeated, as if I hadn't heard clearly the first time. "But I don't know if that matters."

I stared at him with my mouth wide open, my thoughts all tangled up in my head. "So first you just say, completely out of the blue, that you love me and then you say it doesn't matter?" I half whispered.

"Or, I mean, of course it matters," Edward said, looking like he didn't know what to say either. "I just don't know if it changes anything. I mean, we're a pretty messed up couple, you have to agree. We don't know how to be with each other. I don't think saying those three words out loud will change that."

I was completely lost for words. I looked at Edward and then down on the ground and then at Edward again. How can he just say that and assume that it wouldn't matter? Maybe he was right, maybe it didn't change a thing in our twisted up, something like relationship. But to say that it didn't matter… When it seemed to shake up everything in my world just a bit. To make me a bit dizzy. Those three words that everyone seemed to hold in such a high pedestal even though I was sure, no one really knew what they meant. I certainly didn't.

Edward loved me.

"You're quiet," he pointed out, sounding nervous.

"I'm thinking about what to say," I said.

"Well, there would be a one response quite natural at this occasion," Edward said, grinning a little.

I frowned. I needed to think about this, clear my thoughts. I stood up. "We should go back to school. We really can't afford to miss any more school than we already have."

"Oh," Edward said, looking confused himself now. Which was no wonder, given that I had just convinced him to ditch with me and then changed my mind in a flash. But it was his fault, really, for saying he loved me.

I started to leap away with my stupid crutches and was just around to turn in the corner, when I turned back to look at Edward. He looked at me.

"I guess I love you too, just a bit," I said and turned around. I didn't know why I had said that, I certainly hadn't planned it. But now that I had said it, it did feel true.

Back at Alice's place that afternoon we both seemed to be deep in our own thoughts. Living with Alice had started off great. It was a huge relief, being away from my parents, even though most of the time I tried not to think about them. I knew that at some point I would have to come to terms with all that, but that would have to wait. And I knew that at some point, probably soon, I would have to go back there, since almost all of my stuff was still home.

"How's Jasper?" I asked later, when we were cooking dinner. Alice hadn't really talked much about what was going on with them. First, I guess we had been too preoccupied with me being in hospital and later, when I had asked, she'd just said, that she didn't even know herself.

"Fine," she said, not raising her eyes from the tomatoes she was chopping for our chicken salad.

"Have you talked about getting back together?"

She shook her head. "I don't think Jasper wants to get back together."

"Then what does he want?" I asked.

"I don't think he knows."

"What do you want?"

Alice finally turned to look at me. "I don't know anymore. It's just… when I'm close to him it's hard to think clearly."

"Okay."

"We haven't actually _talked_ that much," Alice said, I could see tears in her eyes and almost regretted bringing up the subject at all. "I feel kind of pathetic. I just want to be close to him. And when we're together, when he touches me… I don't even care what he wants from me, as long as he wants me."

I sighed. "Things will work out in time. And if they don't, you're just gonna have to forget him."

Alice gave me a small smile and then turned her attention back at the tomatoes.

xxx

The rest of the week went on and by the time it was Friday, I felt both exhausted and relieved. After the last period, Alice drove me the clinic, since Carlisle had said, that he would look at my leg.

"Hello, Bella," he said as I sat down in his office.

"Hi," I mumbled, staring at the floor.

"I hope this is not too weird." Carlisle smiled at me.

I smiled back, thinking that this was definitely just that weird. He asked me about how I had been and I answered with short mumbles. Then he unraveled the plaster on my ankle and examined it.

"The good news is that your ankle is healing fast, you don't even have to use the crutches anymore, if it doesn't hurt."

"Great," I said, trying to sound positive, as Carlisle began to bandage the feet again.

"Bella," he started with a concerned look in his eyes. "How are you feeling, otherwise?"

"Fine," I said. I did not want to go there now.

"Really," he said in a skeptical voice.

"I'm doing okay," I sighed. "You know, you shouldn't give Edward too hard time. It's entirely my fault. I asked him to run away with me."

Carlisle turned to look at me after he finished with my foot. "I do think that both of you made the wrong decisions and acted irresponsibly. The running away aside, for Edward to put you into that kind of danger, that was really not okay. You both could have ended a lot worse than with a few bruises and twists."

I sighed and after a moment of silence, opened my mouth again. "If Edward is grounded, am I at least allowed to come and see him if I want to?"

Carlisle was typing my medical report on his computer, so I didn't see his face. "I'm not going to say you can't see him, but I'm also asking you to consider if that's wise."

"Do you think that I'm bad influence for him?" I asked.

Carlisle chuckled. "You really think someone could be bad influence for Edward?" I chuckled too. "But maybe you are bad influence for each other. Have you considered that maybe both of you should first think things true separately?"

I laughed. Of course I had considered it, wasn't that exactly why I had been so hard trying to forget him earlier? But that was before. Before everything had went crazy, before Edward had said he loved me. Now I didn't know if we would ever be able to go back to that again.

"But aside from that Bella," Carlisle said. "What is going on with your family right now? Don't get scared or anything, but since you are underage, it's my responsibility as your doctor to report forward, if your legal guardians can't take care of you."

That took me aback. "No, it's not like that, don't –"

"Bella, calm down," Carlisle said and came to sit beside me. "I'm not saying I'm going to do anything right now. But you're almost adult and I believe that things should be told to you as they are. I'm just saying that in the future, if things still look that bad in your family, that's one possibility."

"No offence, but you don't really know what's going on in my family," I tried to say in the friendliest tone, so that my words wouldn't seem too rude.

"You're right, maybe I don't. But I'm not blind," Carlisle said.

"We'll sort it out," I said. "It's nothing really, everyone has problems."

"Okay," Carlisle said, making sure that I realized he didn't believe me, but would leave it to that now and give me some time.

After that he gave me another time to check on my ankle again and sent me off, reminding once again, that I knew where to find him if I needed to talk about anything.

At some level, Carlisle's concern made me feel warmer, but I was relieved to get out of his office. My relief didn't last long though, as I noticed who was sitting in the waiting room. Mom. She stood up when she saw me, looking nervous. I felt my whole body shivering from cold and I felt so numb I could hardly move my feet. She looked awful. She was pale, her hair was messy and there were dark circles around her eyes. She looked like she hadn't showered or slept in days.

"Don't," I said as I saw her opening her mouth. "I don't want to hear."

"Just listen," she said. "Come home, listen to my explanation. Just give me one chance to try to make you forgive me. Just give me one chance to explain. Then you can go back to hating me, if you want to. It's not like I can blame you for that."

She was damn right she couldn't. "I can't. I'm busy," I said. Even the thought of following her to her car and back to that place, gave me the chills.

"Tomorrow then," she said. "Just show up tomorrow, any time. Give me one chance."

"You don't deserve another chance anymore. You don't even have the right to ask," I pointed out coldly.

"You may be right. But that's what I'm asking."

I was going to say no, but something stopped me. Maybe it was the look in her eyes, the one full of endless sorrow I had seen so many times. "I might come tomorrow. Maybe. Half an hour, the most."

"Thank you, Bella." She looked so relieved. "I love you. I really do love you so much – "

"Stop," I interrupted her. "Don't think it means anything. Don't think I hate you any less."

Then I stormed out of the clinic, leaving her standing all alone. Fine, maybe she'd looked sad.

But it was nothing compared to how I felt.

When I got back to Alice's place she told me about a party at Eric Yorkie's tonight. I don't really know why we decided to go, because neither of us really felt like going that much. Maybe it was just the feeling of normality, getting ready for a party on a Friday night made us feel for a while like nothing had changed. That's why I hesitated before I brought up what had happened earlier today at the clinic.

After I had told the conversation we'd had, Alice turned to look at me. "And how do you feel about seeing her tomorrow."

"I don't know." I shrugged like it didn't mean that much. "I'm not sure if I'll go, anyway, I only said to her that I might come."

Alice didn't say anything. "Anyway, maybe it's good to go, at least I can get some of my stuff," I added.

"True," she said. Then I changed the subject into considering whether I should borrow her blue or red top and she didn't ask me about that anymore.

Once we got to Eric's place, it was already full of people and laughter. I had thought that this was a good idea, to get something else on my mind, but now that we were here I didn't know. I felt so out of place, in the middle of these people. I guess I had changed a little.

"Cheer up; I'll get you a drink." Alice nudged me on the shoulder.

I sat down on the couch nearby and tried to concentrate on the music. They were playing a song I used to like, but I hadn't heard in a long time.

"Bella!" Rosalie sat beside me on the couch. "What's been going on? I was so worried about you. I saw you at school few times, but I never really had the opportunity to come talk with you."

"Hi Rosalie," I said, smiling. I was honestly glad to see her, it had been ages since we'd last talked, and before all this we had really grown closer and even become something like friends.

"Did you really run away with Edward?" Rosalie asked. "There's been some pretty crazy gossip going on."

"I guess we did," I chuckled.

"Really?" Rosalie looked surprised.

I shrugged. "It's a long story."

"But are you alright? I heard that you were in a car accident." Rosalie frowned.

"Just fine, it's nothing really. But hey, there's something I've been meaning to ask from you." I changed the subject as quickly as I could. If I was trying to have some normality back in my life, running away wasn't a topic I wanted to discuss in a regular Friday night party.

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"How are things with Emmett and you?"

Rosalie smiled. "Oh well, I think this might actually lead to something…"

"Really," I tried to get as much enthusiasm in my voice as I could. I was really happy for them, I hopped it would work out, despite that Emmett wasn't the kind of person you'd thought would want a committed relationship any time soon. "He really wants to settle down with you, then?"

"Well, I don't know," Rosalie said. "Maybe it's really too early to say, but it seems like he really likes me after all. You know, for more than just sex. And guess what, yesterday we even walked hand in hand in school for a while."

"Wow." I laughed. "That sounds serious."

Rosalie shrugged. "But we're taking it slow. It's not worth it to get your hopes up too early if it doesn't work out in the end after all."

I gave her a little nod. I'd thought like that before, but now I didn't know anymore. It didn't much matter whether you got your hopes up or didn't, if you got hurt you got hurt anyway. "I'm happy for you," I said genuinely.

Then I excused myself, saying that I'd go find Alice, since she'd promised to find us drinks, but then disappeared somewhere.

I searched almost the whole first floor but Alice was nowhere to be found. It was only when I stepped outside, when I found her on the porch. Only she was not alone.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to find her tangled with Jasper so tightly, I couldn't figure out where she ended and he began.

I just tiptoed past them to the garden, without them even noticing. Something about the two of them made me suddenly irritated, I didn't even know what it was.

I walked to the back of the garden and realized that I didn't even want to be here. It was a lousy party anyway and even Alice wouldn't hang out with me, now that she'd found Jasper.

And also – Edward wasn't here.

I guess I missed him. I hated that. I was supposed to be strong and independent. It didn't work out, if I was constantly missing him. It was irritating.

But maybe it was just because our last conversation had been so confusing, and I kind of wanted to talk things trough with him. Neither of us knew what we were doing – and before it had been perfectly fine.

Now I just didn't know anymore.

Without even having made any conscious decision, I was walking away from Eric's house. Edward's home wasn't that far away. The clock wasn't that much; probably Carlisle and Esme wouldn't mind… Hopefully. And Edward was probably dead bored, spending Friday night all alone; he'd be just relieved to have some company.

Even though the walk wasn't that long, it was getting dark and chilly and the wind was blowing hard and messing up my hair, so by the time I got to their doorsteps I was already freezing and my ankle had started to throb with pain. Okay, maybe it wasn't that good an idea to use it, even though earlier today, it had felt perfectly fine.

I swayed back and forth, hesitating a little. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea otherwise either. Maybe Carlisle would be mad, he'd basically said that he thought Edward and I weren't good for each other. But I'd already come this far, even though right now I couldn't really remember why. I couldn't back off now.

I rang the doorbell and Edward answered the door almost immediately. First I felt relieved that it wasn't either of his parents. Then I saw that he wasn't alone, but that Emmett was standing behind him.

"Hi Bella, Emmett was just leaving," Edward said. Emmett grinned and winked at me behind Edward. I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, I didn't know you already had company," I said, suddenly feeling myself stupid. "I shouldn't have come."

"Don't be silly," Emmett said, walking past Edward and me out of the door. "I have to get going anyway, I promised to pick Rosalie up. I'll leave you two alone then." He said giving us a suggestive smirk that I pretended to ignore.

Once Emmett had left Edward closed the door behind us.

"Will Carlisle and Esme mind that I'm here?" I asked in an unusually nervous way for me. Edward seemed to notice that too, but he didn't say anything about it.

"Probably a bit," Edward said. "But they're being pretty fair with the term 'grounded'. I mean they let Emmett and Jasper hang around and everything."

As if Esme had sensed what we were talking about, she just then stepped into the hallway. "Hi Bella," she said smiling at me perfectly politely, so that there was no way of telling if she was mad at me. "How are you?"

"Just fine," I said giving her a bit wary smile.

"We'll go upstairs," Edward said to Esme and lead me up the stairs.

Up in his room I sat a bit awkwardly on his bed. It was a little weird to be back, after everything that had happened.

"Esme didn't look that irritated," I pointed out.

"They like you," Edward said simply. "And I think they're already forgiving me too. They're just happy that I'm being all nice and not causing any disaster at the moment."

I chuckled. "I'm going to see Renée tomorrow," I said. I didn't know why I said that.

Edward turned to look at me, a bit puzzled. "That's good," he said then. "It is, right?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"You could always look on the bright side of things. You have three parents, whereas none of mine are alive," Edward grinned.

"Not funny," I said.

"It's a bit."

"We should talk," I said.

"I was under the impression that we're talking already," Edward said, sitting on the edge of his desk.

"You know what I mean," I said. I hadn't drunk anything tonight, but I felt a bit dizzy.

"No actually I don't," Edward said, not looking at my face. "Few days ago at school I told you I loved you and I wanted to talk, but you walked away."

"You can't just say that you love me but that it doesn't matter anyway because we're such a fucked up couple and expect that I don't get confused at all," I said, not looking at Edward either. Looking at him made it all the more difficult to try to talk with him. Seeing his eyes and the emotions on his face made it hard to concentrate. Like right now, if I looked at him, I just wanted him to kiss me. To put his hands on me.

It had been a while from the last time we –

"I'm sorry I said we're a fucked up couple," Edward said, interrupting me from my thoughts and sitting beside me on the bed. He seemed a bit restless as he put and arm around my waist, as if guessing what I had been thinking just a while ago. His hand on my waist made it even more difficult to concentrate, which had probably been his intention after all.

I didn't say anything, so he pulled me even closer to him. I could smell him, the familiar scent, I was so oddly drawn to. "But you know, we could forget it all for a while, just _be_. Like we used to be, simple, easy," Edward said softly and planted his lips on my neck.

God, I wanted that guy. Every time more and more, it was senseless, just crazy. I tried to pull away from him. "We were never simple and easy," I pointed out. "Never."

"We could be," Edward said, kissing me again.

"Stop" I said, trying to pull my face away from his. "Look, fine. I'm messed up. I know that, I probably was even before, but right now… And I don't need any more complications in my life."

"Do you call me a complication?" Edward asked and somehow made even that sound sexy. That guy was impossible.

"I need something clear," I said. "Simple. Easy." I chuckled a bit ironically.

"We could be," Edward repeated, stroking my hair a bit, planting small kisses on my lips.

"I don't know if we can," I said.

"We'll just have to wait and see, then," Edward said and suddenly we were lying on the bed, him on top of me.

"But we could end up hurting each other again," I said, but not as serious anymore. He being so close to me made it hard to be serious.

"Just don't think," Edward muttered kissing my neck again. "Just for a while don't think at all, is that okay."

Maybe he was right; maybe I was thinking too much again. Maybe I was overanalyzing and messing everything up.

"You're right, though. We really are a fucked up couple," I laughed and wrapped my legs around his waist.

**A/N: Go check My Sweet Mistakes playlist from my profile! Do you have any songs that remind you of this fic? :)**


	19. I never planned to love you

**A/N: Thank you Nilla79, great that you liked it!**

**Here's another one, by the way, I have to say, there's not that many chapter coming in this fic anymore. Only a couple after this one :/ Hope you like this one!  
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19. I never planned to love you

**Bella's PoV**

"Fuck," I whispered as I woke up naked in Edward's bed the next morning. How did it always end up like that? I hadn't planned it. Edward was still fast asleep, breathing heavily, looking peaceful. It sent a range of emotions through my mind, so strong it made my heart ache a little. He looked so vulnerable when he was sleeping; I wanted to protect him, to make him feel good.

I felt stupid thinking about that, laying next to him, at least as vulnerable and clueless as he was and still feeling this urge to protect him. I guess I did kind of love him.

It was a funny feeling, love; I never thought it would feel like that. But then again, I didn't know what I would have expected; I never actually planned to fall for someone quite like this. Certainly not so suddenly, unexpectedly and in a fucked up way, like Edward had said yesterday.

But then again, you don't expect things like that to happen, they just do. And that's what I was never good at, letting things just happen. It made me feel out of control, defenseless.

I got up from the bed slowly, not wanting to wake him up. I liked the way his breathing sounded. I picked up my clothes on the floor and put them on. My jeans felt cold against my warm legs, I pulled on my sock, sitting on the edge of his bed.

After that I didn't know what to do. I could've just sneaked downstairs and out of the door and hope Carlisle and Esme wouldn't notice. But on the other hand I didn't want to leave.

Because if I did then I would have to actually face the day and decide what to do. I would have to go back home, see my parents –

I was playing the options back and forth in my head. I might not go; it was right for them, they deserved it. And I hadn't promised. They had no right to assume…

But then again, I needed to get my stuff. I didn't know what I was going to do, I couldn't just go on sleeping on Alice's couch, but I couldn't go back home either. That was not an option. That was not a home.

"I'll just go and get my stuff," I half-whispered to myself.

"What?" Edward muttered, still half asleep, startling me a bit.

"I should go," I said in a louder voice.

"Why? No!" Edward answered in a sleepy voice. "Don't go."

"I have to go see mom," I said, the word making me shiver a bit inside.

"Shit," Edward said, finally opening his eyes. "Do you want me to come with you?" he asked, looking like he'd rather do anything else.

I shook my head half smiling.

"You could come by later today. Esme probably wouldn't mind," Edward said.

"I don't know, maybe," I said and walked to the door. "Bye."

Edward looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't know what. Finally he just smiled at me tiredly. I couldn't help smiling back at him. And this time it was a real smile.

Luckily Esme and Carlisle weren't up yet, so I was able to sneak out without them noticing. I was relieved about that; otherwise it would have been one hell of an awkward situation.

Outside the morning air was chilly and grey. The fall was turning into winter fast and I was shivering in the wind. I ruffled through my small bag to make sure I'd taken my cell with me, it would be embarrassing to have to go back to get it. Finally I felt it on the bottom of the back and pulled it out.

Alice had tried to call me five times and sent two pretty worried sounding texts. Only then I realized I hadn't told her anything before I'd left the party yesterday.

She answered right away when I called. "Bella! Where the hell are you? Do you have any idea how worried I was when you didn't answer last night?"

"I'm sorry Alice, I totally forgot," I said in a regretful voice.

"You just forgot?" she asked in a frustrated voice. "Do you have any idea – ? I thought you'd run away again, or something worse! I was so fucking worried!"

"I'm sorry. Nothing like that really, I was just spending the night over at Edward's."

There was a short silence on the other end of the phone. "Really?" Alice asked then, in a sarcastic voice. "You were just spending the night over at Edward's. Of course."

"I really am sorry," I said in a quiet voice.

"It's okay," she said, sounding a bit worn out. I immediately felt guilty; she'd been so nice to me these last days. I should have at least called her last night. "Where are you now? Are you coming home?"

"I'm going to drop by my parent's house," I said, feeling my throat drying, and the panic bubbling up again. "I have to pick some clothes and stuff. I would have to go soon anyway, so better get it over with."

"Okay," Alice sighed. "I'll wait here."

"See you," I said and hung up.

I dropped the phone back to my bag and kept walking. I felt something wet on my face and first I thought that it was going to rain. But when I looked up to the sky, I realized that it was a snowflake. It was snowing first time this year, the snowflakes were big and fragile and they melted immediately when they touched down. There was something special in the first snowfall, it was like a fresh start, for a while everything seemed clear. It was stupid, but feeling the wet snowflakes on my face and hair made me feel a bit better. Like I could think clearer. In a second they were mixing with tears, burning hot on my cold cheeks.

By the time I reached my parents house I didn't cry anymore, I was actually feeling relatively calm. I could have used my own keys but I rung the doorbell anyway. Mom opened the door almost immediately.

She wasn't my mom, though. I didn't know why I still kept saying that. I tried to call her Renée, but I always forgot and thought her as my mom. But she wasn't.

She stared at me straight into eyes and I had to turn my face away.

"Come in," she said in a shivering voice.

I wrapped my arms around myself and followed her inside. It was weird being back. Everything was weird, everything was wrong. The house was the same, only dirtier than before, like neither of them had thought to clean up.

"It's just not the same without you," mom said quietly. She looked just as lost and hurt as I felt. I didn't say anything, just stepped past her into the living room.

"Where's dad?"

"He's not here," mom said. "Since you left, he's been quite a mess. Drinking a lot and disappearing for days and stuff."

I laughed bitterly. "Oh, he's been a mess? Well, that's something new."

I sat on the arm of the couch and concentrated on looking everywhere else but mom's direction.

"Do you want to eat something? Or coffee?" she asked nervously.

I shook my head.

"Okay," she said, tapped her fingers restlessly on the wall and then sighed and came to sit on the couch beside me. "Okay, look, you have to hear to whole story. There's so much that you don't know… You have to listen to me."

"Fine," I said. It broke my heart all over and over again to hear the tears in her voice, even though I wasn't looking at her. It had always been like that; as far as I could remember, every time I would have needed a strong mother, when I was breaking down. I had always been the one holding her up, and I didn't want to do that anymore.

She wasn't even my mother.

"Tell the whole story then, if you think it makes any difference. But it doesn't. I won't hate you any less."

"Just listen," she pleaded.

I nodded and for the first time turned to look at her. Then she began to speak.

"I guess I should start from the beginning. Charlie and I were very happily married then, we were both little under twenty-five and I couldn't have been happier. Our life was perfect then, Bella. Then we decided we wanted a baby. It just… it turned out to be not as easy as we'd planned. I'll never forget the day the doctor told me I couldn't have children. That's when our perfect marriage started to fall apart. Later on I blamed myself; I was the one who couldn't live with the idea, that we would never have our own child. I would never get pregnant and give birth and hold in my arms my own child. My world just collapsed; everything lost its meaning. I didn't used to be this weak, Bella, I was a strong woman once, more like you."

That was when I had to turn my face away again, since the first tears dropped on my cheeks. I didn't even remember anything else than this weak, fractured mom. I didn't know if she had been different before.

"That was when Victoria came to the picture. She came to live with us for a while. Now, you have to know something about her to understand. Out of the two of us she had always been the beautiful one. The wild, brave, free one. The one who got everything she ever wanted. She never seemed to be happy though. She was eighteen and unhappier than ever. Spending evenings at bars and every night with a different guy. She was broken. I had always been jealous for her for getting everything she wanted, so I guess I didn't even bother to look after her. I guess I should have known, Vicky always had a way of taking everything I wanted.

I didn't have a clue, though. I only found out when Victoria told me she was pregnant. Charlie swore that it was just the one night that they'd been drunk, but I'm not quite sure if I believe him. Obviously Victoria wouldn't have been able to take care of a baby, she couldn't even take care of herself, but of course she didn't listen to me. Destiny really does have a way of being a cruel bitch. I was the one who wanted Charlie's baby, the one who would be able to take care of her. For God's sake, she didn't even want children. Just like always, she got everything that I wanted.

I hated them both so much, but somehow I still had to help her. For the next nine months I dragged every cigarette out of her mouth, hid all the liquor in the house, held her hair when she threw up morning after morning. I did all that for Charlie's child. I hated him but I couldn't stop loving him. It was awful.

And what happened when the baby was born – we never planned any of it. I loved you instantly when I saw you, the most beautiful baby girl ever. Isabella Swan. Charlie's daughter."

Tears were now streaming from my eyes. I wanted to tell her to stop, to say that I didn't want to know any more, but I couldn't. There was a glazed look in mom's eyes, like she was from an entirely different time and place.

"But Victoria didn't. She didn't love her own child. She run away few weeks after you were born. We didn't hear from her for months, and if I'm honest, I didn't even care back then. Because I was taking care of you, having you all by myself. Finally I forgave Charlie. He moved back to live with me, promised he'd never cheat again. It was almost like we were the perfect family we should have always been. Finally I was happy again. Victoria came back, of course, months later. She held you in her arms so that your tiny face was wet from her tears and then she just handed her back to me. Asked me to take care of you and then walked out of our lives. When she came back ten years later it was the hardest thing to let her back into your life. But in the end I couldn't deny the fact that I wasn't well then and Charlie wasn't enough to take care of you, you needed an aunt. And since she promised never to be anything more to you than that it was okay. Or at least so I thought.

And the rest you already know."

Mom finally closed her mouth and stared out of the window. I felt breathless. I couldn't deny it; her story kind of broke my heart. Hearing about something like that, if it would have happened to someone I didn't know, I would have felt sorry for them. But I couldn't, I wouldn't. This whole situation was so twisted. And it wasn't my fault, it was theirs. And no matter how much mom got hurt somewhere back a few decades, it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who was supposed to get hurt now.

I stood up. "I gotta go get my stuff," I said.

Mom almost jumped up, grabbed my hand and pulled it with such a force I almost fell back. "Bella, you can't go."

"Let go," I gritted between my teeth.

"Your father's been a mess. I've been a mess. We need you," Mom said, holding me close to her, so that I could smell her familiar scent.

"Let go," I repeated, barely even noticing that I had started to yell. "That's how it's always been. You always need me. But how about the times when I would have needed you? You were never there for me, you never acted like a mother should – well I guess now I know why."

She let go of my arm and I could see the shock clearly on her face. "That's not true and you know it," she yelled at me when I was already heading towards the stairs. "I've loved you like you were my own child from the day you were born. If I wasn't always the perfect mother, it doesn't change that fact that I am your mother. You will always be my child. Always."

I couldn't listen anymore, so I just run up to my room and closed the door.

It was weird being back here, I hadn't realized it before, but I had kind of missed my old room. It was my own place, my favorite place from the whole house. It was just as messy as I'd left it last time and it brought all the memories back to my mind.

I sighed, grabbed a few bags and started stuffing my things into them. My laptop, clothes and the rest of my school stuff – everything I could reach. I wanted to get out of the house as soon as I could.

After packing the bags with about everything I could need I rushed out of the room. I didn't look back as I closed the door – what good would that have done? It was all in the past now, telling about a life I could never have back again.

When I went back downstairs, mom was sitting at the same spot I had left her a while ago.

"Are you leaving already?" she asked.

I pretended to not notice that she had been crying and just nodded.

"Are you going to move back to live with us at some point?"

I shrugged. "I don't know." I don't think so, I felt like adding.

"Just try to understand, Bella," mom said.

"That's what I've been trying to do my whole life," I said, walking past her towards the front door. For a while it looked like she was going to say something more, but then she just looked away. I stepped outside and once again closed a door without looking back.

Outside I leaned my head against the door, closing my eyes, just trying to keep myself calm. I couldn't break down now, I told to myself, even though I felt like crying. It was pathetic, before I never felt like crying, but now it seemed like I was using half of my energy to just trying to hold myself together. It was crazy, I couldn't go on like that, I knew I couldn't.

After a couple more seconds I opened my eyes again and started walking towards Alice's place. It was still snowing a little. It was a good thing that Forks was such a small town that the distances were so little, since my ankle had started to ache again a bit and the bags were really getting heavy.

So it was a relief when I finally got back to Alice's house. Alice rushed to open the door when I rung the doorbell.

"Hi," I said, as I stepped inside. Only then I realized that Alice looked almost as worn out as I felt.

"Hangover?" I asked.

She nodded and slouched back to the couch. "Maybe a bit."

"Did you have fun last night?" I asked.

"I don't know," Alice said.

"Were you with Jasper?" I asked.

Alice shrugged. "Anyway, what's up? How were things back home?"

"Nothing much," I mumbled. "Just the same. I really don't want to talk about it now. Tell me about Jasper and you."

Alice sighed. "Nothing to tell."

"Did you spend last night with him?" I asked.

Alice nodded silently. I raised my eyebrows and stayed quiet until she finally opened her mouth. "I don't know Bella, I do still love him, of course I do. But I don't think he loves me anymore."

"Then why would he keep you around? He's not like that, he wouldn't play with your feeling," I said.

"That's what I would have thought before. Now I don't know anymore. He has no reason to love me anymore." Alice said and kept staring at the wall with that endlessly sad expression on her face.

"Cheer up, he's just a guy," I said, punching her lightly on the arm.

"Easier said than done," Alice said. I smiled sadly and hugged her. "We'll be okay, though. You know that, right?"

"Remember the time when I was the one who told you that?" Alice asked.

"Yeah," I grinned. "I love you, Alice."

"I know," Alice smiled. "I love you too."

"But you gotta talk with Jasper, _really_ talk with him," I said.

"I know," Alice said.

We didn't do anything much for the rest of the day. Alice barely spoke anything and with no one to talk with I had far too much time to think. I tried to get some schoolwork done but couldn't concentrate so I just used my twisted ankle as an excuse and took a few painkillers so that I could doze off to sleep for a few hours.

When I woke up the house felt quiet and empty. I tried to clear up my thought as I noticed the note on Alice's desk. "_Jasper called, I'll drop by at his house to see what he wants. See you later_."

"Ouch," I said to myself as I took the note and really hopped Alice would be okay when she came back from Jasper's place.

I slouched back downstairs and into the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and sat down by the kitchen table. It was weird how fast this place has started to feel more and more like home. Even though Alice's mom was almost never home I thought she was nice and she didn't seem to mind me being here. I know that I couldn't stay forever though. I just didn't know what to do; I didn't even want to think about it. I knew mom would love to have me back at home, maybe she would need that too, but I just didn't think I could go back. I didn't want to.

I startled as the doorbell rung. I walked to the door thinking that maybe Alice forgot her keys. Who else would it be? As I opened the door I saw that it certainly wasn't Alice.

"What are you doing here?" I asked from Victoria after I'd recovered from the surprise enough to speak again.

"I just needed to talk with you," Victoria said, looking a bit desperate. "Can I come in for a minute? Please?"

I hesitated for a while. I really didn't want to talk with her now. On the other hand though, I'd given mom a change to tell her story, maybe I should listen to Victoria too. I opened the door wider so that she could step inside.

"Want something to drink?" I asked coldly.

"No thanks," she said stepping into the kitchen after me.

"Fine, what is it you wanted to talk about then?" I asked.

"I guess I just wanted to try to explain, if you're ready to listen," Victoria said.

"No need for that, mom already explained," I said. "So you screwed your sister's husband and then dashed the baby to your sister because you didn't love her, that's it."

"It's not that simple. I was so young back then, barely even nineteen. I didn't have any idea what I was doing; my life had absolutely no direction. I was messed up, it's not an excuse, but I just didn't know any better."

"There's just one thing I don't understand? Why bother coming back years later and pretend that you care?" I asked coldly. "Did you start to feel guilty?"

"Now you're being unfair and you know it," Victoria said. "I do care and I do love you."

"Don't say that," I said. "Don't say that when it doesn't make any difference. You can't fix anything with love. Love just isn't enough to fix all the lies." I didn't mean to sound bitter but I did anyway.

"But it's a start." Victoria said. "I'm not giving up, Bella. I know I screwed up, I more than screwed up, I ruined everything. But I'm here now, I'm sorry and I'm ready to own it up and make it better."

"I fucking trusted you," I said and my voice cracked a little. I didn't mind, I didn't want to act cold and distant anymore. I didn't want to act anything anymore, if Victoria claimed she cared about me, then she should be able to handle how awful she made me feel. "I trusted you and I told you how I felt and you should know that's not easy for me!" I was yelling from the top of my lungs, tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn't even care. "You know it's not easy for me to trust people but I fucking trusted you and you _ruined everything_!"

"I'm sorry, Bella," Victoria whispered and now she was crying too. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Then we sat there quietly. At the different sides of the table both crying silently and I wondered how things got that bad.

"Maybe you'll trust me someday again," she said, finally. "I promise I'll never lie to you again. Never."

"It's not enough," I said.

"Maybe it is someday," Victoria said. "Maybe it is."

"You should go," I said silently.

"Just one more thing," she said as she stood up. I looked up at her face questioningly. "You probably think I'm crazy for even saying it out loud, but just so you know," she started. "Maybe later, when things have cooled down, maybe if you've forgiven me, you'd want to come live with me. I know it probably sounds impossible to you now, but just so that you know that it's an option. I mean, you can't just live with Alice forever, and I know that you weren't happy living with your parents either. Not with Charlie's drinking and Renée's depression and everything. So just think about it."

I nodded. I was pretty sure I wasn't thinking about it any time soon, even the thought of it was absurd now, but I just wanted her out of here and be alone, not start a new fight.

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon. I'll give you a call, is that okay?" Victoria asked carefully.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

Alice came back home about half an hour after Victoria had left looking tired and miserable.

"What did you talk with Jasper?" I asked.

"Nothing much," Alice sighed. "It's just not going anywhere. Jasper can't trust me but I love him too much to let go."

I sighed. I started to feel that it would be better for Alice to just let go, but I couldn't say that. It was something she needed to figure out on her own and as much as I wanted to help her, I couldn't do anything else that be there for her if she would need a shoulder to cry on.

**xxx**

Monday at school went by slowly and by the time the last period was over I felt exhausted. I was walking towards the front doors when I bumped into Edward.

"Need a ride?" Edward asked, tugging my hair as he stepped on my side.

"Yeah," I said, even though I really didn't, since Alice could have driven me to her place as well, but I hadn't seen Edward since Saturday morning.

"Wanna drive around a bit?" Edward asked as I climbed on his passenger seat and sent Alice a quick text.

"Aren't you supposed to get straight back home? You're still grounded, remember?" I asked, frowning.

"Just for a while, it can't matter. I'm going crazy locked up there, honestly!" Edward looked so desperate that I nodded, thinking that it couldn't do any harm, if he wasn't gone for long. We drove around a bit and then ended up leaving the car and walked to the abandoned house in the forest. It had been a while since I had last been there.

"Forks is really growing on me," Edward grinned. "Just look at me, walking around in the forest and everything."

I laughed and stepped inside the house. Everything was just like before. Just as abandoned and dusty and empty. "Do you ever miss back in Phoenix?" I asked sitting down on the floor. "Your old friends and stuff?"

"Nope, not anymore," Edward said, sitting beside me. "I don't know if I ever did. Guess it's better this way, it turned out life in a small town can be interesting, also. Who would have thought?"

We sat there for a while, talking about nothing in particular, until I finally got up. "We should go; you're going to be in so much trouble if you're home any later."

"I don't want to go yet. It's awful, you don't know how bored I get sitting home all day," Edward said sounding a little grumpy.

"I'm sorry, but there's really nothing we can do about it now," I said.

"It was a stupid idea to run away," Edward said suddenly.

I turned to look at him. "Are you blaming me that you're grounded? Fine, it was a stupid idea, but I never – "

"I'm not blaming you," Edward cut me off. "Just saying."

"You are blaming me!" I said. I knew I shouldn't have gotten mad at such a stupid remark, but suddenly I felt irritated. Fine, I had blamed myself too, but I didn't want him to blame me. "Besides, you're the one who crashed the car and that's probably the reason you got grounded anyway."

"Well, that might have never happen if we hadn't run away in the first place," Edward muttered and stood up. "Let's go then if you want to so badly."

"Hey!" I snapped after him as he walked out of the cottage. "Don't try to blame me for that either, it was not my fault! It was you who drove the damn car even though you were angry at me and drunk!" We were both quiet after that, Edward turning to look at me slowly, and me staring back at him. "This is stupid," I whispered finally shaking my head. "Why are we even spending time together when we fight half the time about crazy, pointless things?"

"Don't start again, Bella," Edward said in an annoyed voice. "We're together because we like each other's company. Because we fell in love. I'm sorry, but these things just happen. I never planned to love you."

"Are you saying that you're sorry that you love me?" I asked breathlessly.

"No… Gosh, no Bella," Edward walked a frustrated circle around and pulled at his hair, looking irritated. "Don't always overanalyze and intentionally understand wrong everything I say."

I was quiet for a long time, wrapping my arms around myself and shivering a bit from the cold. This whole situation felt so stupid. "Then why are we fighting all the time? If we love each other, aren't we supposed to make each other happy or something?"

Edward stepped closer to me, grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him so suddenly I had to catch my breath. "You know I have a theory about it. Maybe we fight because we're scared of being together. Scared of it actually meaning something. It took me this long to get close to you. To figure out your secrets."

I didn't know why, but suddenly I felt like crying. Pulling Edward close to me and burying my face on his neck.

"And besides, you still make me happy. Even if we are constantly fighting, it doesn't matter as long as it's you I'm fighting with," Edward said and pulled a lock of my hair gently.

"But we always end up hurting each other," I pointed out. "That's not right."

"You know what I think? I think it's exactly right. Love is not like this perfect thing that you just fall into. It's imperfect and raw and easily breakable. It's supposed to hurt at times."

"I never knew there was a hidden romantic inside of you," I whispered in his ear.

"I'm full of surprises," Edward said and kissed me for a while.

"So what are we going to do?" I asked. "I know you don't want to label us or anything. But it's not any easier this way either, you have to admit it."

"Nothing's ever easy," Edward grinned. "But you know, I've thought about it too. We can be whatever you want, I don't care. I want to be with you, Bella. After the car accident, just for a while I thought I'd lost you and it made me realize just how much I don't want to lose you, I just want to be with you."

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Are we together, Edward?" I asked finally, after we'd stood there quiet for a long time. "Like really together? Like a _relationship_ kind of together?"

Edward smiled. "If you're not too scared?"

"Are you scared?" I asked with a grin.

"Terrified," Edward joked and rolled his eyes. Even though he made it clear it was a joke, I could see it in his eyes, that he was scared. But it didn't matter, I was terrified too.

**A/N: Reviews are nice :)**


	20. Are you breaking up with me?

**A/N: Wow, I can't believe how long it took me to write this chap! I haven't forgotten this fic, it's just, life's been hectic, and you know, I've got thousand excuses, but I'm not going to bore you with them.**

**Thanks for the reviews! Unfortunately after this one, there's only one more chapter coming in this fic :/ **

**Hope you enjoy and review if you haven't already forgotten this! (And the last chapter is coming faster than this, I promise!)  
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20. Are you breaking up with me?

**Edward's PoV**

Being grounded definitely didn't suit me. Of course Emmett and Jasper regularly visited and tried to keep me entertained and I took up every opportunity I had to sneak out for a while, but still after a while it got almost unbearably boring. That's why by Tuesday I was already begging Esme and Carlisle to let me go.

"I promise I'll be nice. I'll never run away or ditch or get in a car accident or do anything stupid ever again," I said in a desperate voice.

"Don't promise something you can't keep," Esme sighed from over the stove, where she was chopping tomatoes.

"Fine. I'll promise to be as nice as I possibly can," I corrected. "And I really am sorry."

Esme and Carlisle, who was sitting at the kitchen table, both looked at me with a serious looks on their face. "I really hope you mean that," Esme said. "You're almost eighteen; you have to stop acting so irresponsibly. I understand that sometimes it's hard, I really do. But you have to take some responsibility."

"I know," I said. "You're absolutely right."

"Edward, we don't want you to agree on this, just so that we would let you off the hook, we want you to really think about it," Carlisle said seriously.

I thought that sometimes they made things a far bigger deal than they should. "I do understand. And believe it or not, that car accident really scared the crap out of me too. I wouldn't let something like that happen to Bella anymore, at least not if I could prevent it," I said and as much as I wanted to just get away from this, I really meant it. I wouldn't hurt Bella again.

"Fine," Esme said. "You're not grounded anymore. Just remember that we can ground you again anytime we want to."

I nodded, fixed a humble expression on my face and was out of the room fast, before they could change their minds.

Fortunately it wasn't a long walk to Emmett's place, since I still didn't have my driver's license back. Still I was freezing before I was at Emmett's front door.

"Eddie!" Emmett sounded surprised as he opened the door. "You managed to escape!"

I shook my head proudly. "I was let go."

"Wow," Emmett laughed as he let me in. "They're getting softer."

"Nah, I'm just good with convincing," I grinned.

"What do you say we call Jasper over and get the party started?" Emmett asked, clearly excited about my new freedom.

"Cool," I said.

Couple of hours later the three of us were sitting on the floor of Emmett's room, listening to music and drinking beer. I had missed just chilling out with the guys so much. Just the three of us, couple of beers; we always had a good time.

Emmett and Jasper elbowed each other and kept chucking at some stupid jokes ever since I'd tell them that Bella and I were together. I rolled my eyes to show them how childish they were, even though I knew that if it was Emmett and not me, I would act just the same.

"I just can't believe that our little Eddie has grown up and got a real girlfriend." Emmett grinned.

"Hey, I have got real girlfriends before," I said.

"Two weeks relationships in seventh grade doesn't count, Edward," Jasper said.

"Oh," I said. "Well speak about yourself, Emmett. Everyone knows you're crazy over Rosalie," I tried to say to my defense.

"Yeah, but I'm not _together_ with him," Emmett said it like it was a curse word. "Everyone knows that's the dumbest thing to do. The minute you agree to be someone's boyfriend they feel like you belong to them, they have the right to know what you are doing twenty-four-seven and act like you were obligated to do whatever they wanted, any time they wanted it."

"That's not true," I said like I knew better.

"And how long have you been together? For like two days, both of whom you've spent grounded, until just now," Jasper said. "I have to admit, Emmett's got a point. Girls are needy."

"Bella's not like that," I said, and meant it, only it would have been more convincing if my phone hadn't rung at that exact time.

"Hi," I said to Bella after picking up the phone.

"Are you bored? I was thinking I could come over," she said.

"Actually I could come over. I'm not grounded anymore," I said. Emmett and Jasper were making meaningful glances, which I pretended to ignore.

"That's great!" Bella sounded excited.

"I'm at Emmett's place, I'll be there after a while," I said.

"Okay, see you then."

"See you," I said and hung up.

"So," Emmett said after I'd put the cell in my pocket. "That wasn't Bella, asking you to come over, because she doesn't have anything else to do, and you saying yes, even though you are hanging out with your best friends?"

"Sorry guys, but I haven't seen her all day and I've seen you already," I said, with a humble expression on my face.

"Don't you know that you don't ditch your guy friends over your girlfriend?" Emmett asked, but I could see that he wasn't really mad, just a bit annoyed.

"As if Jasper wouldn't have done it thousands of times back when he was dating Alice," I pointed out. "By the way, how are things with Alice?"

"Clever change of topic, but I actually want to know that too," Emmett said, turning to look at Jasper.

"What do you want to know?" Jasper shrugged. "There's really nothing to tell."

"That's what you always say," I pointed out. "And besides, when someone says there's nothing to tell, it usually means there's a lot, but the person just doesn't want to tell it."

"Except when it really means you don't have anything to say," Jasper said.

"So are you two back together then?" Emmett asked.

"God, no," Jasper shook his head. "You just told yourself how horrible relationships are."

"Oh come on, but you're not supposed to believe in that! You're supposed to be the romantic one," I said. "Are you going to get back together?"

Jasper's expression turned into a darker one; even though we were joking about it, Emmett and I both knew Jasper well enough to know that this wasn't easy for him. "I don't think so. It wouldn't work out, I know that already."

After that we fell into a somewhat comfortable silence. "Well, if Jasper's not going to tell any more juicy details, I have to go."

Emmett and Jasper whined a bit more about me leaving so early before I left. Even though I felt a bit guilty about leaving them, I was happy to see Bella again. I would have never admitted it to the guys, but I kind of missed her already, just a bit.

Bella opened the door and pulled me inside after I rung the doorbell. I wrapped one arm around her. "Hey."

"Did you miss me?" she asked with a daring smile on her face.

"No," I answered and kissed her. "Did you miss me?"

"Not a bit," Bella smiled and pulled me into the living room.

"Where's Alice?" I asked.

"She went to the grocery store to get us something to eat. We're not that good at grocery shopping," Bella said and sat down on the couch.

I sat beside her and pulled her in my arms. "So we are alone?" I said, sliding my hands under her top.

Bella laughed and tried to squirm away from me, but I only pulled her closer to me and kissed her neck. "Come on, Edward. Alice will be back soon," Bella said.

"Exactly," I said and tackled her on the couch so that I was on top of her. "So we have to be quick."

She giggled as I undid her bra. "Stop," she cried out and tried to tickle me. That lead to a short wrestling match which I pretended to let her win.

"You're awful," Bella grinned and nudged me on the shoulder.

"You too," I said and wrapped an arm around her. She leaned her head against my shoulder. It was amazing how natural it felt. After all this time of thinking that commitment was something terrifying and awful, being someone's boyfriend felt just right. She was my girl. And it felt good. It was overwhelming, how just being close to her could make me feel so much. How I wanted to protect her and make her feel good. She had no idea; I would do anything for her.

xxx

**Bella's PoV**

I was nodding off at math lesson and thinking that thank God it wasn't long until the holidays. It was almost like school had started to feel more and more boring every day.

Somehow I survived the rest of the lesson and walked to the cafeteria with Alice. Once we had our trays full we headed to the corner table where Edward, Emmett and Jasper already sat.

"Hey," I said and sat next to Edward.

"Hey," he said, wrapped one arm around my waist and kissed me quickly on the neck, making me smile. It was strange, like I was _his girl_. Which I guess I was. It was weird and lovely and a little scary. I wasn't used to being anyone's girlfriend. I wasn't used to belonging to anyone. And I didn't know what to think about that. I hadn't even known if I wanted that. I didn't still even know if I wanted it. I mean, sure, I wanted Edward. But I guess this just needed a little bit of adjusting.

"What's up?" Edward asked.

"The same. Just fed up with school," I said.

"Hey, only few days until Christmas holidays," Edward said.

"That's what I was thinking," I said.

"By the way, what are you guys going to do on Christmas?" Alice asked.

"Well, our parent's always organize this big Christmas dinner and pretty much all our relatives are coming," Jasper said.

"Yeah, and it's always pain in the ass because Jasper's mom tries to make us help in the kitchen and she never learns that some people just aren't meant to cook," Emmett grinned.

"And when your mom's finished her third class of wine she always starts singing those awful Christmas songs," Edward chuckled.

Jasper, Emmett and Edward all laughed at some shared childhood memory and I couldn't help smiling too. Their Christmases sounded nice, comfortable.

"I don't have any idea what I'm going to do," I said to Alice.

"My mom's asking some friends and relatives to come over and it's probably going to be really boring, so you could always hang out with me," Alice said.

"Or you could come with us," Edward said quickly. "Since you're my girlfriend now, you're practically part of the family. Or hey, you could both come, that would be fun."

"Or if it's really boring at least we could steal a few bottles of wine and run off," Emmett added.

"Sounds like fun," I laughed. "I don't really know what your parents would say about me being there," I said then, more seriously.

"They would like it, of course. They love you," Edward said.

I chuckled, shaking my head. "As far as they know, I've cause nothing but trouble. How could they possibly love me?"

"Because," Edward said and smiled at me.

I rolled my eyes but inside my chest my heart made a restless jump when he smiled. I guess I really did love that guy.

Alice and I were driving home from school when Victoria called me.

"Hi, Bella," she said, sounding wary as she now always did when she spoke to me. Like I was something that might explode at any moment.

"Hi," I said, equally warily. That was simply because I didn't know how to relate to her lately.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"Just going home," I said. "Or at Alice's place, I mean."

"Oh, okay," she said. Then after a break: "are you busy."

I considered saying yes, but then I sighed. "I guess no."

"Good. Do you want to come over? We could talk," she said, little nervously.

"I don't know," I said.

"Just for a while," she said.

"Fine," I said, realizing that I couldn't avoid her forever. After I had found out about her, I had tried to keep her away from my life, but it seemed like that didn't work either. And even though I couldn't really forgive her yet for all the lies and abandoning me, when I was little, the truth was that I really did miss her.

"See you soon," Victoria said.

"See you," I sighed and hung up the phone.

"Can you drive me at Victoria's?" I asked.

Alice nodded and gave me a curious glance.

I hesitated for a while once I was at Victoria's front door. I didn't know if I was ready for this. Maybe I knew that I wasn't being very mature, I probably should have thought about things from her perspective too, things weren't so black and white. But it was so much easier that way, if I could just keep blaming her.

Victoria opened the door almost immediately after I rung the bell.

"Come in," she said, smiling a little. I smiled back at her, it didn't feel completely natural. I couldn't help wondering if we had lost for good the easy, natural relationship we used to have.

"Do you want some coffee?" she asked.

"Yeah, that would be nice."

I sat behind the kitchen table as Victoria brought two cups of coffee and some chocolate chip cookies on the table.

"So what's up?" she asked then, sitting at the other side of the table. "How's school?"

"The same," I answered, tapping my fingers on the side of my cup little restlessly. "How's work?" I asked after a small, embarrassed silence.

"The same," Victoria smiled. "Busy as always. You know, have to get everything done before Christmas holidays."

"Look, Bella," Victoria started after yet another embarrassed silence. "Have you had time to think about what I said before?"

"Please, don't," I said, even though I _had_ been thinking about it. I couldn't stay in Alice's place forever, I was already starting to feel like I shouldn't stay there anymore and I was kind of running out of options.

"No, Bella, I have to," Victoria said. "You can't just keep running away from things that you don't want to deal with. You have to keep moving on, what happened, happened, and we can't change it. We have to move on."

"What if I'm not ready to move on? You all just assume that I'm so fucking strong," I said. "Just like my parents, you just assume that I'm so strong and I can handle everything. But I just don't – " suddenly I ran out of words and realized that I was about to cry. "I just can't… always… deal with fucking everything."

I buried my face in my hands and tried to pull myself together. It was just so embarrassing; I didn't want to cry in front of Victoria, I didn't want to be that vulnerable. When I raised my eyes again after a while, Victoria looked helpless, like she wanted to do something, but just didn't know what.

"I'm sorry that it's been like that," she said quietly.

I chuckled sarcastically. "There's nothing we can do about it now, is there? You can't repair what's been broken so long ago."

"I don't think that's true, Bella. You can fix things. I can fix this, just give me another chance," Victoria said and tried to look me in the eye, but I didn't look back at hers.

It was surprisingly hard, to give someone another chance. How do you do that? Open your heart again, after someone has broken it, completely torn apart the trust there was between you two and then ask you to trust them again. Maybe I was bitter and unforgiving, but it wasn't that easy. At least for me it wasn't, even though I could maybe even understand the circumstances and the decisions they had made, even though I didn't approve them, forgiving was a whole other thing.

"Bella, move to live with me," Victoria said, once again.

"I don't know," I said. Victoria's face lightened up, as she noticed that I didn't say no. Even though I certainly didn't say yes either.

"Where else are you going to go? I mean think about it, seriously," Victoria said. "You can't stay with Alice forever and I think we both know, it wouldn't go well if you went back home. No offence, but your parents are a mess, whereas I would be able to take care of us."

"I'm perfectly able to take care of myself and you know it," I said a bit coldly.

"You know what I mean," Victoria said.

"Mom wouldn't like it," I said thoughtfully. I didn't even know if I would like it.

Victoria leaned closer to me. "Let's just give it a try. If it doesn't work out, we'll figure out something else."

"I need to think about it," I sighed finally. Victoria smiled like I had already said yes. "I didn't say I would do it. I just said I'll think about it," I added.

"Sure. Just know that you can move in any time you want. Just bring your stuff here as soon as you want; I have a room ready for you."

"Don't," I said quietly. "I didn't say yes."

"I'm just glad you're talking to me at all," Victoria said quietly, almost as if she didn't intend me to hear it.

We sipped our coffees in a silence for a while. It was quite comfortable; I didn't even want to talk anything.

"I should go," I said, tapping my fingers against the wooden surface of the table.

"Don't go yet, we haven't really had time to talk about anything," Victoria said, looking a bit desperate.

"We can talk later," I said and stood up.

"But think about it, Bella," Victoria said as she walked behind me to the front door. "I don't want to pressure you or anything but – "

"You are already pressuring me," I snapped, maybe a little harder than I should have. "I already said I'll think about it, okay?"

After leaving Victoria's place I didn't really know what to do. After a while of hesitation I decided to drop by at Edward's.

Edward looked surprised to see me at his doorsteps. "Hi, baby," he said, not even seeming to notice that he just called me baby. I smiled a little as my heart made a little leap.

"Hi," I sighed. "I was at Victoria's place."

Edward looked surprised as he shut the door behind me. "What did you talk about?"

I shrugged and walked to the kitchen after Edward. "She asked me to move in with her."

"Wow," Edward said, turning to look at me. "Kind of fast or what do you think?"

"Yeah," I said and sat on one of the chairs. "Where's Esme and Carlisle by the way?"

"They went to meet a friend," Edward said and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"What are you going to do?" Edward asked after a short silence.

"I don't know," I said. I realized that I wasn't being very conversational today, but I really didn't have any idea.

"You could always move in my bedroom," Edward said.

I laughed sarcastically. "Yeah, that's a practical solution," I said. I felt weird, maybe it was just this day; so much had happened and suddenly I just felt like maybe I wanted to be alone. I didn't know why I had come to Edward's place. Something about the two of us… that just made me compulsively come to him when I didn't know what else to do.

It was just that usually he didn't know either.

We were both quiet for a while. Suddenly I couldn't think of anything to say. Once again I started to think about our relationship. Sometimes, quite often actually I thought that neither of us had any idea what we were doing.

"Why does life have to be so complicated?" I asked.

Edward shrugged. "That's just the way it is."

"Do you want to eat something?" Edward asked after a pause.

I shook my head.

"What do you want to do then?" Edward asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"Then why did you even come? Do you have to be in such a bad mood?" He didn't say it particularly angrily so I tried not to get irritated.

"I thought that was part of the deal, you know. Being together, to put up with someone even if they're not always in the best mood," I said and despite trying, sounded madder that I would have wanted to.

Edward didn't say anything, maybe it was because he didn't have anything to say to that.

"You know what I've been thinking," I said, even though I knew that I should have stopped. "This doesn't make any sense. Why are we even together, neither of us knows anything about relationships."

"Oh so now you don't want to be together anymore?" Edward asked sarcastically. "Great."

"That's not what I said."

"But that's what you meant, right?" Edward asked and started to sound mad. I wondered how I'd managed to get him angry with me in just few minutes. "Fine then, let's not be together. You know, I thought you wanted it. But if you don't want to be my girlfriend that's fine, then don't."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked.

"No, I'm not fucking breaking up with you," Edward snapped. "You're breaking up with me."

I stared at him for a while. "See, that's exactly what I meant. We don't know how to be in this relationship."

"You know what I think? I think you're just scared. You're just wondering will we last and if we don't how much you will get hurt. So you're just scared to even really try."

That made me shut my mouth. I hadn't thought about it like that. But now that he said it I knew that he was right.

"Why are you always pushing me, Bella? Is it to see will I walk away? Because I'm not going anywhere, try to understand that," Edward said in an annoyed voice.

I raised my eyes to look at him shyly. "Forgive me?" I whispered.

Edward didn't answer, but he pulled me close and I climbed on his lap and buried my face on his neck and that was an answer enough.

"Love is fragile, you're right about that," Edward said. "It's more breakable than people think."

"It makes people vulnerable," I said.

"I think I'll take the risk," Edward said. "You don't survive alive from life anyway."


	21. Like it would be so easy to stop caring

**A/N: Thank you so much _Nilla79_ anf _fan_ for reviews!****!**

**So here's the last chap but there is still an epilogue coming. I hope to get it here during this year! (It was my personal goal to get this finnished during this year :D)**

**Hope you like this one and remeber to review :)**

21. Like it would be so easy to stop caring

**Bella's PoV**

I startled awake and it took me a while to remember where I was sleeping. Then I felt Edward beside me, and realized that I was in his bed. How had I ended up spending the night here again?

"Oh fuck," I mumbled.

"What?" Edward asked and reached out to touch me.

"Are we late for school?" I asked and looked out for my cell to check what time it was.

Edward laughed and snuggled against my back. "We don't have school. It's Christmas holiday."

"Oh," I said, remembering now that he had said it.

"Let's go back to sleep," Edward mumbled, his eyes still closed. I chuckled softly and got up. I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned against the wall, glancing down at Edward. He turned around, yawned and opened his eyes to look at me. I smiled at him, thinking that I loved mornings like these with him.

"So what do you want to do today?" Edward asked. "We have the whole day before the party."

I smiled and leaned against Edward's shoulder. The party he was talking about was kind of a tradition. Emmett and Jasper usually had this big party every year the first day of winter break.

"I promised I'd do some Christmas shopping with Alice and Rosalie today," I said.

"Fine," Edward said and pulled his jeans on. "Have you thought about Christmas already? I actually quite like the idea of you being with us. At least then my aunts wouldn't have to keep asking about when I am finally going to get a girlfriend."

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. Are you sure that would be okay with Esme and Carlisle?"

"Of course. They like you," Edward said. "Think about it."

"I will," I promised.

"Come on, I'll make you breakfast," Edward said.

"Oooh, romantic." I grinned and jumped out of the bed.

Edward made us some eggs and toast and we sat at the kitchen table.

"I should get going," I said after we had eaten. "Alice is probably wondering where I am already."

"Don't go yet," Edward said.

"I'll see you tonight," I said and got up. Edward walked me to the door, kissed me for a while before letting me go.

It started snowing again while I walked back to Alice's house. Christmas was only couple of days away and somehow I felt restless. I didn't really know what I would do this Christmas, I had started to actually consider Edward's idea; their Christmases sounded nice. But I didn't know if his family would want me there, I guess I just would have liked some place where I belong. Like a family.

"Alice," I said a while later, when I was lying on her bed.

"Yeah?" she mumbled, only half concentrating on me, half on the website she was scanning through.

"Do you think I should move out?" I asked. Lately I had played with the thought. Now that Alice's mother was on a holiday she had been home more, and even though she never let me feel like I wasn't welcome, somehow I still felt awkward living in her house.

Alice finally turned to look at me. "No. What do you mean? Where would you go?"

"I don't know, I can't just live here forever," I said. And then after a long break: "Victoria did say I could move in with her anytime."

"You don't have to worry about it if you don't want to. You can stay for as long as you want to," Alice said. "But would you _like_ to move in with her?"

"I don't know. I mean, before I knew anything about this mess with my parents, I would have loved the idea of living with her. And I'm tired of this; to be honest I want my aunt back."

Alice came to sit on the bed with me. "Maybe you should then. You can't just hate her forever, can you?"

"I guess no," I sighed.

"It's gonna be okay. Talk to her," she said.

"I guess I should." Alice didn't have time to answer that, since that was when my cell started ringing. I glanced at the screen and then breathed in sharply.

"It's mom," I said to Alice.

"Well maybe you should talk to her too," Alice said and shrugged. "At some point you have to." Then she walked out of the room to let me speak with mom alone.

"Bella." Mom sounded slightly surprised that I'd picked up at all.

"What do you want?" I asked her.

"I just wanted to talk," mom said.

"Fine. Let's talk," I said.

"I thought – maybe you could come over?" mom asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I kind of have plans for today."

"Just for a while." Mom sounded desperate. "I need to talk to you."

I thought about that for a while. I thought about what Alice had said, I couldn't just keep hating them forever, despite of what they had done. Despite everything, she was still my mother. At least she was right about that, however mad I was with her, she would always be my mother, I couldn't change that even if I wanted. I didn't know if that was enough for me to forgive her, but maybe I should go see her.

"Is dad home?" I asked.

"No, he's –" Mom sounded uneasy. "He hasn't been home that much lately."

"Fine, I'll come," I said. "Just for a while."

When I stepped into our living room, I could see that mom had cleaned up and made some coffee.

"Hi, darling," she said, and for once her hair looked clean and she had even make up on. I didn't know what she was trying to prove.

I sat down on the couch feeling oddly formal as she poured me a cup of coffee.

"How are you?" mom asked.

I shrugged. "Okay. Nothing special."

"No really, what have you been doing?" She sounded genuinely interesting.

"I don't know, just hanging out with Alice and… um, Edward."

"Really?" Mom smiled.

"I guess we are kind of together now," I added, thinking that I probably should tell her at some point anyway, since we were doing this official relationship thing.

"That's nice!" Mom sounded pleased. "You like him?"

"Yeah." I chuckled. "I like him a lot."

"And he takes good care of you?"

"Mom, I don't need anyone to take care of me!" I exclaimed. "But yeah, I suppose he does."

"I'm happy for you," mom said. "How's Alice?"

"Fine."

Mom tapped her fingers restlessly on the table. "Have you thought about coming back home?"

"Stop it, mom," I said firmly, but not especially rudely. "I'm not coming home. I didn't even like living at home before."

"Bella, listen." Mom didn't seem so unsure anymore, she was speaking more sharply now. "Things have been a mess since you left. Fine, I'm not saying that we got it under control before, but even more of a mess. We need you back home."

"Well, I don't need you," I said. "And I'm tired of being in the middle of your dramas and disasters. _You_ two got to get it together, but this time you can't lean on me. I don't hate you anymore, maybe I never did that much and maybe one day I'll forgive you, but I'm not moving back. I can't." I felt kind of selfish saying that, but I assumed that I was entitled to be a little selfish.

"Please, Bella," mom said. "Where else would you go? You have to come back, this is your home."

"I was thinking about moving to live with Victoria."

For a moment there was a stunned silence. "_What_?" Mom cried out then.

"Don't freak out," I pleaded her. I felt like I couldn't take it if she had yet another one of her scenes. "It's just practical."

"It figures," Mom exclaimed bitterly. "That after all these years of taking care of you, I am just losing you to her. That easily. I should have never allowed you two to have a relationship. That's just sick. For God's sake, I raised you! Doesn't that mean anything? _You are not her daughter_."

"I fucking know that," I said, starting to get angry too. "And I don't even want her to be my mother. She will always be my aunt for me. But I don't want to live with you two."

"She doesn't deserve you. She's as guilty as we are, even more. And she abandoned you."

I could believe what she was saying, didn't she realize how childish she sounded? Couldn't I even reserve the right to be childish, I would have kind of thought it was my right, being the youngest. "Oh grow up, will you!" I yelled. "This is not about deserving me. This is not about who abandoned who and when. You know, thinking about it, you've abandoned me too. Just look at the way you've let dad threat us when he's drunk, and you've never defend me, the way I see it, that's abandoning too."

Mom was taken aback my change of subject, guess she couldn't think of anything to say to that.

"And you're my mother, after all. And she was just some teenager, who happened to give birth to me back then," I said tiredly.

Because mom didn't say anything I continued: "And besides, I'm not some object you can own or deserve, I'm a human. And if you so fiercely claim that I am your child you should want me to be happy. And it's been a long time since I've been happy here."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I am so sorry for that," mom said. "But we can fix it."

I stood up. "I don't think so. Not all can be fixed."

"Please don't go yet, we can talk about this," mom said, standing up too.

"You're right, we can. But not now, when you act like a selfish child and every time we try, we end up fighting," I said.

She followed me to the front door. "I love you, Bella. Despite everything I love you just as much as before, maybe even more. Just please, remember that. I love you." As she said that, she reminded me more of the mom she had been when I was a child. It felt odd seeing that expression on her face, so similar to the one she used to have when I was little and she was tucking me into bed every night. Her eyes looked much more alive and less sad then. I could almost see the person she was then behind her hollow sad eyes for a while.

I shut the door and held on to the handle for a while. "I love you too," I whispered to the closed door. I couldn't say it to her yet, but maybe someday I could again. I'd tried so hard to just throw them out of my life, but despite the fact, that they definitely weren't the perfect set of parents – any of them – I guess they weren't going anywhere.

xxx

That evening it seemed like everyone had come to the party at Emmett's. Even his enormously big house seemed to be full by the time Alice and I got there. We were pretty late though; because Alice said she looked fat in all her dresses and took forever to decide what she wanted to wear.

"I need a drink," I said to Alice once we stepped inside the living room.

"Me too," Alice said. However, on our way to the kitchen Jasper stopped us.

"Um, Alice? Can I talk with you?" Jasper sounded just slightly drunk already.

Alice glanced at me unsurely. "Okay, sure. I'll be back soon," she said to me before she walked away with Jasper.

So I continued to the kitchen where I found Rosalie. We chatted and drunk couple of beers together and then walked to the living room where we found Edward and Emmett. I sat on Edward's lap, because there wasn't much room left anymore. I gulped down few more drinks but then I saw Alice coming downstairs and heading for the kitchen looking rather dark. After her, Jasper walked from the same direction and headed for the front door, looking equally miserable.

I glanced at Edward and saw that he was looking at Jasper too. "What's up with those too?" I asked from Edward in a low voice.

"No idea," Edward answered.

"Maybe we should – " I started. Edward nodded and we both stood up. I gave him a small smile and headed towards the kitchen were Alice had gone and Edward walked towards the front door.

Alice stood by the kitchen sink looking out of the window.

"What's up" I asked, stepping beside her.

"I need to get really drunk," Alice said sipping from my beer.

"That bad?" I said looking at Alice. She looked like she was debating with herself whether to cry or not. "Did you fight with Jasper? Did you break up?"

"How can we break up when we aren't even together?" Alice snapped.

"I was just asking, no need to bite my head off," I said.

"Sorry," Alice said and walked over the fridge to get her own beer. "Something like that, I guess. We kind of fought."

"About what?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know, really. Everything. All the old stuff we didn't really talk through before. It got kind of nasty."

I wrapped and arm around her shoulder "It's going to be alright," I said the sentence she had been saying to me so often.

"I just wanna get really drunk," Alice answered.

About an hour later I was starting to feel pretty tipsy myself too, but it was nothing compared to Alice. Maybe her amazing ability to get so completely wasted in such a short time had something to do with her tiny size.

"You know, I don't care," Alice exclaimed to me. We were sitting on the kitchen table. I didn't quite remember how we had ended up there, but well, maybe all the chairs were taken.

"Care about what?" I asked and tried to focus my eyes on her and realized it was getting far too hard. Damn, I shouldn't have drunk so much.

"About him," Alice said and swept her hand so hard that she almost lost her balance and fell off from the table, but I grabbed her arms just in time.

"Really?" I asked. "Like it would be so easy to just stop caring. You love him, Alice."

"No, I don't," Alice said. "I _loved_ him, yes. But it's over now. I'm finally letting go, I don't want him back anymore. I'm better without him."

"Maybe you're right," I said thoughtfully.

"I _am_ right. Now let's go dancing!"

"No! I may be drunk but I am not drunk enough for that," I said as Alice pulled me down from the table despite of my resisting.

"Come on, don't be such a buzz kill," Alice laughed and pulled me on the dance floor.

I didn't feel like dancing at all, but soon I realized that I was dancing what so ever. Our dance moves were pretty ridiculous and unbalanced and we were holding on to each other to not to fall, but we still had fun. Soon we were both laughing so hard that dancing was quite impossible.

Alice cried out and hugged me tightly. "You're my best friend!" she screamed at my ear.

I laughed and hugged her back. "I know, Alice. I've been your best friend for like ten years, so nice that you noticed," I said and ruffled her hair.

After about fifteen minutes we stumbled away from the dance floor all sweaty and laughing. I had almost forgotten, how it felt. To feel that happy and carefree. Like things were finally starting to settle down. Like I could be happy again.

"What's up, girls?" Edward appeared from somewhere and wrapped one arms around my waist.

"We were dancing," I said still gasping for air.

"I can see that," Edward chuckled. "Is Alice okay?" He asked from me in a low voice, glancing at Alice who was still laughing.

I shrugged. "How about Jasper?"

"He's okay," Edward said. "Are you drunk?"

"I thought that was kind of the point of the party," I giggled and leaned against Edward to keep my balance. "Let's get new drinks."

Edward rolled his eyes but followed me and Alice to the kitchen.

"When did you become so boring?" I asked and threw him another beer.

"Since, you both decided to get wasted and I need to take care of you," Edward said.

"I'm not wasted, I'm just a liiittle drunk," I said but I guess my spluttering made it a bit unconvincing.

"Right," Edward said.

"And besides, I don't need anyone to take care of me, I'm a big girl," I said and winked at Edward.

"Oh, trust me, I know," Edward said and pulled me close.

"Could you guys stop?" Alice exclaimed, as Edward placed his lips on mine. "That's not really considerate. If you don't happen to remember, I just broke up."

"Sorry," I muttered, immediately moving from Edward's arms, beside Alice and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. I didn't think it was necessary to remind her that she had just a bit earlier said that she had not broken up.

"It's all right," Alice said, not looking at me in the eye. "I'm going to… find a bathroom."

Then she turned around and disappeared from the room before neither of us had time to say anything. I looked at Edward with a puzzled expression on my face.

"I should go look that she's alright," I said.

For a while Edward looked reluctant to let me go, but then he just nodded. "See you later," he said and gave me a quick kiss.

I knocked through all the bathrooms in the housed before I found Alice.

"Alice?"

"What?" Alice asked from the other side of the door with a muffled voice. It was her I'm-crying-but-I-don't-want-anyone-to-notice –voice.

"Let me in," I said.

"No."

"Alice, this is stupid, let me in," I shouted from the other side of the door.

There was a little silence and then she opened the lock. I stepped inside and locked the door again. I sat on the mat in front of the bathtub and looked at Alice who was sitting on the toilet, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"You do care," I said quietly.

Alice shook her head. "I'm just drunk."

"You're not just drunk. I'm your best friend; you think I don't know when your heart is broken?"

Alice stepped down from the toilet seat and sat next to me on the floor, leaning her head against my shoulder, so that my t-shirt was wet with tears but I didn't care. "Can't we both ever be happy at the same time?" Alice asked with a small, bitter chuckle.

I smiled too. "Maybe it's meant to be that way. So that when the other one feels so low, the other one can pull her back up again. If we were both unhappy, who would tell you it's gonna be alright."

"What if it's not?" Alice asked.

"I know you're going to be okay. You always keep telling that to me so you have to believe in that too. You know what, I am happy. Even though my family is a mess and I don't have a place to live in, I am happy like you always said I would be. You're going to get there too."

"I just can't see how," Alice said.

"I know it feels that way, but you're going to see it. Jasper doesn't have anything you can't live without. He was just you're first love, that's all. We're going to go to college and you're going to meet other guys and you're going to fall in love so many times and you'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore."

"But I don't even want it to stop hurting. I don't ever want to forget him," Alice said.

"You almost did, already. Don't you remember? When you two first broke up, you were fine."

Alice didn't say anything to that and the silence was filled with her small sobs that eventually turned into giggled.

"I'm quite miserable, aren't I," she asked laughing.

I turned to look at him and bursted into laughter too. "Yeah," I giggled, sweeping the tear off her face.

"Come on," I said and pulled her off the floor. We walked out of the bathroom hand in hand.

"Do you want to go home already?" I asked.

"Yeah," Alice said. "But you can stay."

"No, of course not." I shook my head, even thought I badly wanted to find Edward and just talk and be with him for a while.

"Bella, don't be silly. I can see that you want to be with Edward," Alice smiled. "It's okay; I want to be alone anyway. And besides, when Jasper and I were still together, how many times did I do that to you."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes! I want to be alone, really."

"And you're not just saying that so that I wouldn't feel guilty?"

"Of course not," Alice said. "Now go, I'll see you tomorrow." She gave me a quick hug and disappeared.

"Edward?" It took me a while to find him from upstairs where he was with Emmett, Jasper and couple of other guy from our school.

"Yes, baby," Edward said and pulled me close. I laughed at his mildly drunken expression.

"Can I come over tonight?" I asked.

"You're always welcome," Edward said and his hands slide a bit lower on my hips that I thought was necessary.

"Edward, behave!" I said and glanced at the other guys who were raising their eyebrows at us but couldn't help giggling.

"You wanna go already?" Edward asked.

"Yeah."

"I can't find my keys," Edward whispered to me at the front door.

"Oh come on," I exclaimed in a low voice and started feeling his pockets too. "Do you think Esme and Carlisle are awake?"

"Hope not, I'm far too drunk to talk to them," Edward said.

"Me too," I giggle. "They're so not going to let me in your Christmas party if they see me now."

"Oh, so you decided to come?" Edward asked. "Besides, they've seen you drunk before."

"Yeah, because you got me drunk to get out of trouble yourself," I snapped, not really angry at him though.

"I didn't get you drunk," Edward argued. "Let's just find the keys, before they wake up and come to see what the fuck we are doing."

I finally found Edward's keys from his jacket's pocket and aimed at the lock a few times, until Edward took it from me and opened the door. We stumbled inside and I bumped into the shoe stand.

"Careful," Edward snapped and grabbed my arm.

"Be quiet," I whisper.

"Oh, and who's being more noisy?" Edward asked sarcastically and pulled me towards the stairs.

We both sighed in relief when we finally closed the door in Edward's room.

"It's been quite a day," I said and lay down on Edward's bed.

"Yeah," Edward lay on top of me and kissed me softly. "I love you, Bella."

I kissed him back and slipped my hands under his t-shirt. "How did we end up this way?"

"What do you mean?" Edward asked, but he was already pulling off my shirt.

"So… happy. Like we really belong to each other, or something. Against all odds, it's so weird," I said and held on to him a little tighter. If I had something learned in life it was that never take love for granted.

"Yeah. I love you," Edward repeated, like it was just that easy.

"I don't want to live without you anymore," I mumbled as a response as he moved to kiss my neck.

xxx

When I went back to Alice's place the next morning, I found out something rather surprising. As I stepped inside with the spare key Alice had given me I found Alice in the living room – with Jasper.

I stared at the two of them talking on the couch like friends, my mouth hanging open for a while before they noticed me.

"Hi Bella," Alice said casually.

"I was just leaving," Jasper said.

"Oh, no hurry. Talk as long as you want to," I said. "I'll just go to your room Alice."

"No, I was really going," Jasper said, but I didn't listen but just jumped upstairs to Alice's room.

After about ten minutes Alice came up and sat on the bed sighing heavily.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"We talked," Alice said.

"So you're not fighting anymore?" I asked. Alice shook her head with a small smile playing on her lips.

"Are you together again?" I asked. She shook her head again.

"We're just friends. This time really," Alice said.

"And how do you feel about that?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Okay. I mean, it's going to take a while, but it's better this way. I still love him just a bit, I guess. But it's fine, it's just didn't work out between us."

I looked at Alice, there was still a hint of sadness in her eyes, but I could see that she was telling the truth. She was fine, or at least she would be, soon.

We both startled as my cell started ringing. "Victoria," I said to Alice and picked up.

"Hi, Bella," Victoria said. "Can you explain why your mother called me and accused me of stealing her daughter and manipulating her to move in with me?"

"Oh crap," I sighed. "It's mom. Of course she had to cause some trouble. Sorry"

"Don't worry about it," Victoria said and there was laughter in her voice. "I mean I'm not complaining, but you could have also told me. When are you moving in?"

I chuckled. "I don't know, today?"

"Great," she said. Then her tone of voice got serious. "Bella, are you really doing this."

I was quiet for a while. "Yes," I said then, not sure if I had just made a big mistake.

"That's good," Victoria said. "I won't let you down again."

"I really hope so," I said.

After I had ended the phone call Alice grabbed my hand. "Remember that if it's awful you can always move back here," she said.

"I'll keep that in mind."


	22. Epilogue:  I love you

**A/N: Thank you Supersaiyan909, I'm glad you like it!**

**So, here we are. I don't know what's the time in where you are, but here in Finland it's still over seven hour of this year left, so I did get this finished in time! :D  
>Now I just want to thank everyone who has read, favorited or reviewed. Espesially those who have reviewed, I would say that you have no idea what those reviews mean to me, but if you're writer yourself, then you probably have an idea :) It's nice how many of you have said that this deserves more reviews, I can't say if that's true, but I've enjoyed so much writing this, so I'm so happy if you've enjoyed reading as well.<br>I have already many ideas for my next fic, look out for it! :)**

**If you've read this far, please leave a review and tell me what you think, it would mean a lot to me. **

**Happy new year everyone!  
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Epilogue – I love you

It took me a few days to settle in to my new home. I didn't have much stuff and some of my things were still in my old room, but I hadn't had the courage to go get them yet. Still, living with Victoria was pretty weird. Not awful, but weird.

It was the morning of Christmas Eve; I had been living with Victoria for a couple of days when mom called. I hadn't heard from her since the last time we saw, when winter break had just begun.

"What do you want?" I asked. Maybe I was a little too harsh but it was morning and I was grumpy.

"I wanted to apologize," mom said.

"Okay."

"You're not making it easy on me."

"Should I?" I asked.

"Listen, Bella," mom said. "Maybe I was a bit too harsh last time we spoke. But you just really surprised me. It didn't seem fair at the time, that but of course I understand that it's your decision."

"Yeah," I said. And then after a while: "It doesn't make you any less my mother. I'm just not living with you right now. I think you and dad should figure out your stuff on your own for a while. Getting help to his drinking might also help."

"After you left, I really had to think this trough," mom sighed. "And I think you're right. It's not fair for you. I just don't want to lose you."

"You're not losing me," I said, hesitating a little. To be honest, I didn't know if that was true. I had been feeling like I've lost my mom for years now. But maybe I hadn't. Maybe there was a way to fix it all, I didn't know.

"I know. You really had me thinking about things. I realized that the best way to ensure I _am_ going to lose you is trying to posses you. I just want you to be happy."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"So Bella, you could come home for Christmas."

"Mom –"

She must have understood my tone of voice because she interrupted me with a calming voice. "I don't mean that you'd stay here if you don't want to. You don't have to even sleep over if you don't want to. It's just… it doesn't feel much like Christmas without you."

I sighed. Victoria had asked about the same thing after I'd moved in, but I didn't really want to spend Christmas with neither of them. I was still a bit unsure about how Esme and Carlisle would react – even though Edward kept telling me they were more than happy – but after this fall I knew where I wanted to spent this Christmas. And when even Alice had agreed to come with me, even though Jasper and they weren't together anymore, it had seemed like the best option.

"I already have plans for Christmas," I said.

For a while I thought mom was going to argue, but then she just sighed. "Fine then."

"But maybe I could drop by tomorrow," I said.

"That would be really nice," mom said.

"So are we all right then?" I asked, hesitating.

"As far as I'm concerned," mom said. "If you think you can forgive me."

"I'm working on it." I smiled. "By the way, mom. I love you, too."

I hung up and sat down on the bed. I felt all right. I was sure that mom and my relationship would never again be the way it used to be and honestly I didn't even know if dad and I had any relationship at all right now, but somehow I had the feeling that it would be all right. Sometimes I still felt like I had lost them forever; that I could never again trust them, but I couldn't help thinking that maybe I didn't need to. Because I still had people who cared about me, especially with Alice and Edward I felt like they were my family. After all, they were the people who had been by my side even when I had tried my best to push them away and it was so much more than I could say from my parents.

So I didn't know what would happen with them, I guess there was no way of knowing, except wait and see. But I felt okay.

Edward, Alice and I went to Jasper's place before everyone else came to help their parents with food and everything. And as Emmett had said it was quite a disaster but it was also kind of fun. The Christmas party was surprisingly nice too, Edward's aunts were nice and they seemed to like me. The food was good and everyone was laughing, they looked like a family, like they belonged together. I couldn't help thinking this was how a Christmas should look. Even Alice seemed to have fun; she had been reacting pretty well in Jasper. Despite sometimes having that sad look in her face, she seemed to be fine with being friends with Jasper.

The clock was well over midnight when Edward and I finally left with Esme and Carlisle. Carlisle and Esme were chatting in the front and I leaned my head against Edward's shoulder in the back seat. Once we got to Edward's place we said good night to Esme and Carlisle and went upstairs to Edward's room.

"Are you tired?" Edward asked.

I shook my head, even though it was late, I didn't feel like going to bed already. It was Christmas night after all.

"Good." Edward grinned.

"Why? Do you want to do something special?" I asked with a mischievous smile.

"Yeah," Edward said. "I have a Christmas present for you. You're going to get your real present tomorrow, but I have another one."

I sat down on the bed and to my surprise Edward reached out and grabbed his guitar from the top of his shelf. "Remember the first time you were in my room? You asked me to play for you some time."

I nodded, smiling.

"Come on," Edward said and opened the window.

"What are you doing?" I asked suspiciously.

"We're going to climb on the roof," Edward said.

"Oh no." I shook my head. "We are so not doing that."

I don't know how he managed it, but a few minutes later the two of us and his guitar were on the roof. It was absolutely beautiful. It was cloudy, so there weren't any start in the sky, but the moon was almost full.

"It was worth it, right?" Edward asked, looking at me.

I just smiled and sat down on the edge of the roof, thinking about what Esme and Carlisle would say if they knew what we were doing.

"You wanna hear the song?" Edward asked.

"Yeah."

"But you have to promise to never tell Emmett about this. Or I might have to kill you," Edward said.

"Romantic." I grinned.

Edward chuckled and then started playing. I recognized the song almost immediately; it was _Wonderwall_ by one of my favorite bands, Oasis. I remembered listening to their CD with Edward one time.

Edward caught me totally off guard; I never knew he could sing like that. Suddenly there was nothing else than he and I in the whole world. Seeing him like this, the dim moonlight on his face, a small smile playing on his lips, and the way he looked at me, like he meant every word he sung.

"_There are many things that I would like to say to you_

_But I don't know how_

_Because maybe_

_You're gonna be the one that saves me_

_And after all_

_You're my Wonderwall_."

I think, for the first time, it made me realize that he really did love me. Even though the whole moment was completely unreal, like from a movie, or something, it was weirdly more real than anything. Edward was here with me and he loved me. Despite all the times we had messed up, despite all my mistakes – or maybe because of them – he _loved_ me.

He ended the song and looked at me. "What do you think?"

I wasn't sure I was able to speak just yet without crying, so I just smiled at him and kissed him gently on the lips. I think he understood what I meant.

"I never knew you could sing like that," I whispered finally.

He kissed me again, so sweetly it took my breath away. I kept wondering if I would ever get used to his kisses – I hopped not. When he pulled away from me, my answer to his kiss was very simple, only three words. But sometimes the best things are like that, simple.

"I love you."


End file.
